I just got back from a short, five day stint in beautiful, sunny, bright, temperate Florida (in the U.S.A.). The purpose of my trip was pleasure as opposed to business or funeral or wedding, meaning myself and my travel companion had free range over the sights and delights of the greater Venice area. If Venice had a local Olympics I would've won every event as the median age of the city is 69 according to Wikipedia. In fact, a local man challenged me to an impromtu of one-on-one and I beat him 20-0, finishing the game with a 360 windmill dunk from the free throw line. "Geeeeez kid," he said, "you should play for our team next fall." I lied and said that I couldn't because I was going back to school in Conneticut. I treated him to a beer and some gator bites though, and he turned out to be the Macho Man's dad!
A large part of the trip included venturing to American retail outlets to check out products they have that us Canadians don't. We found things like cake in a bowl (just add water), a complete hot dog (weiner and bun) that you microwave for 35 seconds (the bun remains soft!) and Pop Tarts that have both chocolate AND strawberry in them. I also ate at Chili's for the first time, which caused me to feel like Sharon Osbourne would feel after eating an entire roast turkey! Really full! That's because she had gastric bypass surgery so she can only eat about a syringe full of food a day... get it? I was really full. Like Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy's wife. Remember her? Oh man I was full. For a long time too.
I was also fortunate enough to witness a National Hockey Leauge contest in Tampa. That evening we got to the arena early and decided to kill time by visting Dave Andreychuck's Grille, which is right across the street from the St. Pete Times Forum. I had high hopes because I like Dave Andreychuck and I like grilles, but as soon as we entered the vicinity my mind was twisted and my dreams were smashed as if I were the puppet and the bar was my Master. The place smelled like 50 year old grease that someone tried to clean with really shitty soap. Luckily we had already eaten so I was fortunate enough not to try to the food, which would presumably taste like greasy, soapy shit. I also received reports from my female companions that the women's bathroom was littered with used sanitary napkins and human waste. So to you Dave Andreychuck, I say this: Your bar is the worst player-owned establishment I've ever been to. Worse than Boris Becker's Southwest Crab Shack, Davis Love III's Chicken and Biscuits and Bobby Bonilla's Boom-Boom Bon-Bons.
THINGS I BOUGHT
Star Wars Lego
Terminator 2
Extras the DVD collection
Reebok Toilet Tissue
A cat
Fresh rhubarb
Some good rope
Now play a game with your dad and find it which items I ACTUALLY bought. Play it on his birthday because it's a really special game. But it's fun too, don't worry guys.
January 29, 2008
January 20, 2008
A MARRIED MAN (NOT ME)
This weekend I went to my first wedding since I was a boy. I'd be lying if I said "I didn't want what to expect" because everyone knows what weddings are like. You're a dumb stupid idiot if you go into a wedding not knowing what's going to go down. Even if someone interrupts the ceremony and is all like "Stop the wedding sir! I love this woman!" it's not all that surprising because we've seen it a million times in popular film, tv, book, and probably video game.
Needless to say I had a wonderful time, even though the DJ played several songs twice and played one of only two songs the groom specifically told him NOT to play, the song being Chris de Burgh's "Lady in Red". Chris de Burgh kind of looks like Davy Jones. That guy from Sum 41 looks like Mickey Dolenz. Clive Owen looks like Michael Nesmith? Kathy Griffin = Peter Tork? I just gave you a conversation starter for your next hot date with a babe or a hunk. "Yo chick, who do you think looks like the Monkees?" Ten minutes later: "Oh baby, let's get these ribs to go and head over to my place." That's the babe talking. When you go back to her place, compliment her bathroom and lie down on her couch instead of sitting to show her that you're totally comfortable. I heard that's how Vanna White's husband scored.
At one point during the reception, my friend Andrew, who loves the outdoors, made the bold claim that he prefers weddings to cottage weekends. At first I was totally against this, but upon reflection, he may be correct, although overall I'd still have to give it to cottages. Sure, cottages lack the outpouring of positive love vibes and delicious complimentary meals, but they do have boats and corn roasts, which most weddings don't. So basically, have your wedding at a cottage and you'll be treating your guests to the time of their lives and if things get boring you can always play Return of the Jedi in the woods.
Because the wedding was in Whitby Ontario and my command centre is in Toronto, we had to stay over and instead of getting a hotel room, accepted the invitation of our friend Kevin and stayed at his parents' house. I brought a sleeping bag, a pillow and a foam thing. When I got into my bag, it felt so good and I remarked to the others in the room that sleeping bags are number one and that I was just so damn comfortable. But when I woke up from my beer induced slumber a couple of hours later (3 or 4 am), I couldn't get back to sleep and the bag became an uncomfortable, jail-like cryo-stasis pod. None of my standard toss and turn moves were executed properly because the bag was too tight or something. If you're thinking of getting me a new sleeping bag for my birthday, THINK AGAIN and get me a new board game that at first looks kind of shitty but you're like "no trust me, I played it at my cousin's and it's so good" then I play it and recommend playing it on a Friday night and everyone has a lot of fun and they thank me at the end of the night.
TIDBIT ABOUT ME.... OF THE DAY
I don't gamble unless someone forces me!
Needless to say I had a wonderful time, even though the DJ played several songs twice and played one of only two songs the groom specifically told him NOT to play, the song being Chris de Burgh's "Lady in Red". Chris de Burgh kind of looks like Davy Jones. That guy from Sum 41 looks like Mickey Dolenz. Clive Owen looks like Michael Nesmith? Kathy Griffin = Peter Tork? I just gave you a conversation starter for your next hot date with a babe or a hunk. "Yo chick, who do you think looks like the Monkees?" Ten minutes later: "Oh baby, let's get these ribs to go and head over to my place." That's the babe talking. When you go back to her place, compliment her bathroom and lie down on her couch instead of sitting to show her that you're totally comfortable. I heard that's how Vanna White's husband scored.
At one point during the reception, my friend Andrew, who loves the outdoors, made the bold claim that he prefers weddings to cottage weekends. At first I was totally against this, but upon reflection, he may be correct, although overall I'd still have to give it to cottages. Sure, cottages lack the outpouring of positive love vibes and delicious complimentary meals, but they do have boats and corn roasts, which most weddings don't. So basically, have your wedding at a cottage and you'll be treating your guests to the time of their lives and if things get boring you can always play Return of the Jedi in the woods.
Because the wedding was in Whitby Ontario and my command centre is in Toronto, we had to stay over and instead of getting a hotel room, accepted the invitation of our friend Kevin and stayed at his parents' house. I brought a sleeping bag, a pillow and a foam thing. When I got into my bag, it felt so good and I remarked to the others in the room that sleeping bags are number one and that I was just so damn comfortable. But when I woke up from my beer induced slumber a couple of hours later (3 or 4 am), I couldn't get back to sleep and the bag became an uncomfortable, jail-like cryo-stasis pod. None of my standard toss and turn moves were executed properly because the bag was too tight or something. If you're thinking of getting me a new sleeping bag for my birthday, THINK AGAIN and get me a new board game that at first looks kind of shitty but you're like "no trust me, I played it at my cousin's and it's so good" then I play it and recommend playing it on a Friday night and everyone has a lot of fun and they thank me at the end of the night.
TIDBIT ABOUT ME.... OF THE DAY
I don't gamble unless someone forces me!
January 8, 2008
GET SOME JEANS AND YOUR STEREO
I was in a department store recently buying a blender when I realized something – department stores are bad places!
I usually go into department stores around Christmas time because they give the impression that they have everything you’d want in one convenient location. So if I wanted to get my dad some shoes, my brother a duvet, my mom a video game and my sister some panties, I could presumably get all these things in one go and then have enough time to get a hamburger or a gyro from the food court. Then I’d stroll home checking out babes, whistling my favourite tune and maybe buying an iced tea from a convenience store on the way because I opted out of the combo meal back at the food court.
But listen up citizens. This is what they want you to think. Here are some of my private notes on department stores, fresh from storage in the bowels of UCLA’s Institute for Social Science Research Data Archives Library:
The worst time to go into a department store is when it isn’t very busy. It’s sort of like seeing a dead vampire. Vampires are technically dead, but when they go out to get you and suck your neck off, they’re pretty vibrant and also horny. That’s what a department store is like when it’s busy – it’s dead inside but has a horny, vibrant exterior. The perfume girls with their tight black pants and two dollar manicures are surrounded by clueless dudes and old ladies who actually enjoy the attention and the apparent wealth of olfactory knowledge provided. When the store isn’t busy you’ll see the same girls but without customers, they look no different than employees of a brothel. They wait for someone to approach them, but when nothing’s going down, they have time to think about what it is they do for work and the last time I checked, the thought of being a perfume girl doesn’t naturally produce smiles.
Luckily I don’t shop for fragrances very often, so I always end up on one of the upper floors, like small appliances or toys. Once I was trying to find the board games and I got lost somehow. As I got deeper into the store it got darker and more humid. I took off my coat because I was sweating so bad and because it wasn’t very busy there was no one around to ask where I could find what I was looking for. I then realized that these stores don’t have any windows, nor do they have clearly marked exits, which again likens them to something of a haven for the undead. I think I did find the board games but it looked like no one had been there since 1997 and I couldn’t find Boggle so I left.
If you do find something you want to buy, finding a cashier is a whole other story. A manned station is hard to find and if there is someone actually working, there’s usually something wrong with the computer so you can’t pay with Interac Direct Payment, a popular choice amongst consumers including myself.
When you think about it, having department stores in malls is the dumbest thing since sliced bread because the point of a mall is to provide people with a concentrate of stores, the exact same service Timothy Eaton, Hudson Bay and Pete Sears brought to life many millennia ago. The department store is like a stupid mall within an already pretty stupid mall.
NOTES ON TODAY
I’m sick today but I can still play sports, so if you get a game going give me a call. I’ve been thinking of producing a play that takes place in a tank during the French Revolution, but from the Japanese’s perspective. Let me know if you want in. Until then I’ll be at the juice bar gaining nutrients and thinking about my dream wedding.
I usually go into department stores around Christmas time because they give the impression that they have everything you’d want in one convenient location. So if I wanted to get my dad some shoes, my brother a duvet, my mom a video game and my sister some panties, I could presumably get all these things in one go and then have enough time to get a hamburger or a gyro from the food court. Then I’d stroll home checking out babes, whistling my favourite tune and maybe buying an iced tea from a convenience store on the way because I opted out of the combo meal back at the food court.
But listen up citizens. This is what they want you to think. Here are some of my private notes on department stores, fresh from storage in the bowels of UCLA’s Institute for Social Science Research Data Archives Library:
The worst time to go into a department store is when it isn’t very busy. It’s sort of like seeing a dead vampire. Vampires are technically dead, but when they go out to get you and suck your neck off, they’re pretty vibrant and also horny. That’s what a department store is like when it’s busy – it’s dead inside but has a horny, vibrant exterior. The perfume girls with their tight black pants and two dollar manicures are surrounded by clueless dudes and old ladies who actually enjoy the attention and the apparent wealth of olfactory knowledge provided. When the store isn’t busy you’ll see the same girls but without customers, they look no different than employees of a brothel. They wait for someone to approach them, but when nothing’s going down, they have time to think about what it is they do for work and the last time I checked, the thought of being a perfume girl doesn’t naturally produce smiles.
Luckily I don’t shop for fragrances very often, so I always end up on one of the upper floors, like small appliances or toys. Once I was trying to find the board games and I got lost somehow. As I got deeper into the store it got darker and more humid. I took off my coat because I was sweating so bad and because it wasn’t very busy there was no one around to ask where I could find what I was looking for. I then realized that these stores don’t have any windows, nor do they have clearly marked exits, which again likens them to something of a haven for the undead. I think I did find the board games but it looked like no one had been there since 1997 and I couldn’t find Boggle so I left.
If you do find something you want to buy, finding a cashier is a whole other story. A manned station is hard to find and if there is someone actually working, there’s usually something wrong with the computer so you can’t pay with Interac Direct Payment, a popular choice amongst consumers including myself.
When you think about it, having department stores in malls is the dumbest thing since sliced bread because the point of a mall is to provide people with a concentrate of stores, the exact same service Timothy Eaton, Hudson Bay and Pete Sears brought to life many millennia ago. The department store is like a stupid mall within an already pretty stupid mall.
NOTES ON TODAY
I’m sick today but I can still play sports, so if you get a game going give me a call. I’ve been thinking of producing a play that takes place in a tank during the French Revolution, but from the Japanese’s perspective. Let me know if you want in. Until then I’ll be at the juice bar gaining nutrients and thinking about my dream wedding.
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