CANADY DRIED

CONSUMER REPORTS

I don't like buying things because things cost money and money is hard to come by if you're not someone who knows how to come by it easily. The other week I unhinged this anti-consumerist philosophy and got a new phone, even though I didn't really have to pay for it. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT

It's one of those phones that has the Internet on it, and since I'm a Scrooge McMan, I opted out of a data plan because I find it unnatural doing computer things outside in nature where technology isn't the main man. Anyway, whenever anyone plays with this new phone of mine, they end up signing me into Twitter by accident because this phone does everything in its power to get you on the Internet, making it as easy as pushing the "up" button, and now I owe a whole $13.50 for two weeks of accidental use.

So don't get this stupid phone unless you decide to pay for a data plan and have no problem being forced into being connected to social media all the damn time. I really just got it because it had a keyboard and the OPTION to use these applications if I ever find myself not satisfied with the amount of time I already spend on the Internet in the comfort of my home and workplace. And don't ask me if you can see it, because I won't let you, not based on you and your gross hands, but based on the diamond eating fat cats who designed this phone to suck as much dough as they can out of men like me and women like women who buy phones like me.

CHINESE FOOD REPORTS

Yesterday we got Chinese Food and I wanted it so bad that after I called I was watching the clock like a modern teen watches a hippie watch a rainbow on the computer. So yeah, I was sitting there with ants in my pants and I thought I'd be okay because "The Great Outdoors" was on TV. It didn't help though, and so I sat wiggling for 45 minutes and could barely contain myself when the man with the food finally arrived. I bought way too much hot and sour soup though. Anyone want some? Come on, free soup.

BACHELOR PARTY REPORTS

I went to a strip club on Saturday for the first time in years, and nothing much has changed. Girls dance on a stage and strip their clothes off while men drink and try to figure out how to get a girl to have sex with them next time they see a regular one.

BLOG POST REPORT

I don't know about this one. I think I'm so complainy because it's Monday, which everyone hates because it thinks it's so cool. Whatever to you Monday, I'm way cooler -- I know every Nirvana song on guitar and I have more than three pairs of shoes. Next time we speak (me and you, not me and Monday) I'm going to be so much happier because I'll be working with another day of the week, like Thursday who is a librarian type who knows a lot about movies and who will party when called upon.

IF MONEY GREW ON TREES THEN COINS WOULD JUST TAKE OVER, NO BIG DEAL

Last week I watched a Joy Division documentary and it made me think long and hard about the classics. I made a decision that from now on, when it comes to music and books, I'm sticking to the classics. How can I go wrong? The risk factor is very very low, classics are easily accessible and no one can argue with the them. I'm not including films in this category because I don't really like old movies. With classic books and music you can use your imagination or something right? For example, I'm reading the Grapes of Wrath right now, and if I want I can picture them being in a dystopic future instead of the 1930's. The special effects are in my brain. Maybe I'll picture at as taking place in the "Firefly" universe. Makes sense right? That show combined cowboys and spaceships so why not Grapes of Wrath? Tom Joad is basically Captain Malcolm Reynolds and that preacher is Shepherd Book. That's as far as I've got in the book so I can't do any other comparisons. For those of you who haven't seen Firefly I'll be quiet now. I'm sorry you felt left out. I can't please everyone here. If that were the case I'd have to talk about international standards like cold, clean drinking water and a solid roof over my head. I'd complain about broad based issues like the world economy and rising gas prices. I don't do that stuff. Picture this blog as the newspaper of the city that's in my head: The latest issues, the hottest gossip and the best commentaries on the dumbest things, all coming right up after we talk more about gravy. There's no commercials here because they stink. Nothing stinks because stink is negative. Nothing is bad here so there's no stink, no must, no hassles. Put your feet up anywhere because that's what everyone should do. There are pillows in the shower. There's a fridge in the TV. Cold? The Kleenex box contains mittens and there's always a hot pot of soup on.

Back to the classics - It doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on new books and new music, but I'm going to be more cautious probably. I definitely don't want to turn into one of those guys who's stuck in one particular time period and refuses to get out. I agree that music isn't as good as it used to be, but that doesn't mean I'm going to grow my hair, buy a Zeppelin shirt and walk around brandishing a frown all day. Heard that new Britney Spears single? Heavens to Gregory that's a catchy song! And that video? She's naked in it! And when she's not naked she's humping a dude. It's kind of funny because they could've given that song to anyone, but Spears is the biggest so everyone gives their best songs to her. She really had nothing to do with it, except get naked to its smooooove rhythms and sing some bars that get robotically enhanced and looped a million times to make a song. Actually, all she has to do is hum for a few seconds and they can mold it into lyrics with some big computers. Anyway, welcome back Britney.

I ended up at a gentleman's club on Saturday night. I haven't been to one in awhile. Despite all the live naked books and bare cheeks around, I don't really like these places because they trick you into giving them money. I don't fall for that. Once this stripper was trying to get me to pay for a lap dance or something and I asked if she knew Star Wars and she said it was her favourite and then I quizzed her on it and she failed. HA. She was trying to trick me. It's just not a very positive place is all. The women are trying to make a living in a sort of crummy way, and the men are so lonely and horny that they're willing to pay for it. Someone should open a silly strip club where things aren't as serious. Its clientele will be guys like me who go because live boobs make us giggle and everyone will dance to Weird Al songs. It'll be a lighter atmosphere you know? There will be free candy all over and screens playing comedy classics like Caddyshack. Lighter atmosphere. Better quality. Better pizza. Papa John's.

Last night I had a dream that my family went on a Russian adventure but didn't invite me and I was soooooooooooooooooooo mad. A similar thing happened in real life when I was visiting my friend in Ohio and my family went to Medieval Times without me. I was so pissed. I still haven't been. Frig mom, frig. I think I was just jealous that everyone got a whole chicken to themselves. Last night I ate so much damn Swiss Chalet. Those soggy fries are like chalet sauce sponges. Oh baby.