Welcome loyal readers and disloyal illiterates, to the 500th post celebration post! Throughout the next bunch of words, I'll share with you some of my favourite things and excerpts on this blog that I found while skimming the whole damn thing yesterday. This is by no means a comprehensive review, so I implore you to read all 500 posts by next week just in time for Thanksgiving. My modern commentary will be highlighted in blue for easy viewing and aesthetic pleasure.DISCLAIMER - Since I copied and pasted a whole bunch of stuff, the font and size of font will change without warning, which actually looks pretty cool if you're looking at from the perspective of an artful mind such as Andre Leon Talley.
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When I first decided to embark on this journey of wasted words and predictions of the inevitable alien invasion, I wrote this to sum it all up and I'm very proud of sticking to the vision my 25 year old self had:
This blog is going to have a lot of different features and fun interviews with your favourite celebrities.
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TODAY'S QUIRK
You know what would be scary? If you saw a guy whose moustache matched EXACTLY with his eyebrows. That style is called the "2X4".
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I really do wish a big scientific discovery was around the corner. Being around the Scientific Revolution would have been the best. Everyday these guys were blowing your mind and unlike before when magicians would tell you what's what, these guys could actually explain it. It's too bad that most people thought they were warlocks or Bible eaters. If only we could bring them back to life for a few days and show them how much we appreciate them:
"COPERNICUS, YOU'RE THE BEST, COPERNICUS, NOT LIKE THE REST"
"KEPLER, KEPLER HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T DO IT NEWTON CAN"
"NEWTON NEWTON SAT ON A WALL, NEWTON NEWTON GRAVITY DOLL"
"GALILEO SAVE THE DAY-O, GALILEO TRY OUR FUTURE MAYO"
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This is some made up conversation with some made up uncle:
"Well let me tell you about a haircut I got recently. It's shorter now! I went in there and got a haircut and lollipop like a little boy haraharharharharh."
"That was a bad story uncle."
"You thought that was bad? Yesterday all I did was read Calvin and Hobbes and made stew. It all started at 10am. I found a Calvin and Hobbes treasury in my neighbour's garbage. I sat by my window on a grey and quiet afternoon. First I was bored. Then I got sort of happy. Then bored again."
"Did you bring me a birthday present or not?"
"'Course I did! Calvin and Hobbes treasury!"
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Last night I had a dream that I stole a bag of chips from a store and then immediately regretted it. They weren’t even the kind I wanted and I can easily afford chips. After this dream I tossed and turned all night long and it was really bothering me, so when I woke up I called my good friend Dr. Heath Prickler of the Ontario Dream Institute (ODI) and we met up to talk about my dreams:
The chips may indicate many things, paramount among them being the fact that you simply like chips.
Spot on Doc. I do love chips. Especially the savory crunch of Miss Vicki’s new Rosemary and Basil chips. Talk about a warm hug on a crisp autumn morn!
The stealing may indicate a need to take back what’s yours. Does this resonate with you?
Not really.
Have you stolen anything lately?
No.
Do you want to steal anything?
No.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Yeah, like forever ago.
Of course. Your subconscious is telling you that you have a yearning to steal again. Specifically chips. You should steal us some chips.
You just described what happened in my dream. Are you a real doctor?
You tell me.
Huh?
I know what your dreams mean.
…....is there such thing as the Ontario Dream Institute?
Can I have some chips?
Get out of here.
We’re in a McDonalds, I can be here if I please
Okay, then I’ll leave.
Please don’t....I'll tell you a joke..
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This may be trite, but I still think it's funny that a woman can show her whole breast, but it's not pornographic until you see a nipple and yet a man's nipple is fine no matter what. If we're talking butts then it's pretty much an even playing field - you can't really show butts but if you do it isn't that bad, man or woman. Same with genitalia - even steven. It must have something to do with milk. That's a pretty old fashioned way of thinking if you ask me. Girl nips probably became taboo because some bozo on 1765 was like:
"The sacred milk circles that emblazon a woman's breast shall henceforth be covered by silk at all times except on high holidays and when the female is feeding her calf by order of the King. Failure to comply shall result in death by a lobster pit or if the offender is part of the nobility she shall pay a small fine of three wooden nickels and two barrels of mead. The Queen doesn't have to comply at all because she is a sexy babe and she can do what she wants, when she wants. Meeting adjourned, now let's go hunt bears and go sailing before supper. Hey Queen, you can take that robe off you know. It's legal for you. I just decreed it. OH YEAH, CHECK THOSE NIPPIES OUT FELLAS!"
If you didn't think that quote was funny, go back and picture John Cleese reading it. Still nothing? I don't blame you. I didn't think Juno was any good, but a lot of other people seemed to like it. Let's all respect each other's opinions. But seriously, if you didn't like that you DEFINITELY won't like the next part of this entry.
Has anyone ever seen a time lapse boner? I'm very comfortable in my sexuality. I love ladies more than I love candy, but I really think seeing a time lapse boner would be kind of funny and somewhat interesting. There's gotta be one out there somewhere. I bet it would look like those time lapse shots of a plant growing, where it sort of flops up. That's some food for thought for your Thursday evening.
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If I looked up from where I was sitting I could see a giant Anne Hathaway ad for Lancome or something staring me right in the face. I thought it'd be funny if you saw a guy come into the Eaton Centre with a Thermos of coffee, plop himself down were I was sitting and gaze at that ad all day long.
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I'm quite fond of this Choose Your Own Adventure blog I did a while back. A lot of the links don't work, but it's as silly as it was on the day it was birthed from my head.
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Let's get back to it. I remember a time when twins were as rare as a picture of James Tolkan with hair. According to wikipedia, "The current rate in the United States is 31 twin births per 1,000 women", and yet the rate in Hollywood is more like 1 in 3. This must mean that doctors in L.A. know how to give you twins. I'll bet they can also cure baldness and zits no problem. You think some starlets go in to the doctor and are like, "I'll take some new tits, a pair of twins, some new hair, a new butt and..... do you guys have subs? Turkey? Yeah two of those and a cranberry juice. How much? 5 million? Okay make it three subs."
The doctor then says, "No problem at all. What are you going to name the twins once you pop 'em?"
"Football Jesus Horse Phalp Johnson for the boy and Stiletto Handbag Swiffer Wet Jet Lisa Johnson for my baby girl."
"Will she want new tits?"
"Yeah I'd better get her those. Babies don't have big ones do they?"
"Some do."
"Really?"
"No, you idiot."
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For all you aspiring word birds, this blurb from December, 2008 explained the secret to my creative process. It's still the same process I use today, except today I'm more one with my inner dragon:
1) Alright dude, time to write on that Internet site you do
2) What should I talk about? How about my trip to the Fall Fair
3) Okay yeah. Fall Fair. I saw my friend Harry, ate 5 candy apples, saw a ghost, won a Smurf and stole some raspberry delights. Now all I have to do is write about it.
4) Fall Fair blah blah, this isn't very interesting, let's talk about poo.
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I'm a babe magnet pretty much. All I have to do is stick my head out the window and five minutes later I'll have had four kisses at least. When I go to the mall I have to wear sunglasses so that the babes don't follow me around. I hate when that happens. Especially when I'm trying to eat New York Fries. My naked body is worth more than the Sphinx because of the theory of supply and demand; There's only one of me and billions of ladies out there. I haven't paid for a drink since 2001. My butt rules.
The above are the lyrics to the song "Great Guy" off an album I'm working on. It sort of sounds like "Little Deuce Coupe" but with more organ.
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I ran into my friend Robin Williams the other day and this is what he said:
"I'll have the steak with grape sauce, and some water, and then a sandwich, do you have an umbrella, weeeeo oww weeowww, it's raining here!! Does it rain in outerspace or did I just fart? TOOOT TOOOT HAVE some breakfast friend, it's two pesos cha cha cha wing wong wing wong I want a chevy but they're too heavy know what I mean, that's just life friend, gotta sneeze, waaaaazzzzooooooooo uh oh bang bang."
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Throughout the years, several celebrity guests have swung by for a chat, and one of my favourites has to be former pro baseball player, Wade Boggs:
Hey Sluggers! Your old man, Daddy Wade here. I'm sorry I didn't send you any gifts this year, but my powerboat needed new decals and it was my other family's turn for new pants. I know I didn't see you guys at all, but trust me, I'm the same as I was at the end of 2008 -- my moustache remains, I still wear Reeboks no matter what and I haven't lost my lucky screw yet, so really you didn't miss anything. Hopefully you listened to me and didn't change at all, because I did warn you that I probably wouldn't see you in 2009.
Hey Wade, sorry to interrupt, but do you have anything you'd like to say to everyone out there to the readers and not just to your estranged children?
No no no, I wasn't talking to my kids, I was talking to my ghostwriters, Tom Clancy and Franklin W. Dixon. We've been working on my autobiography for six years now.
When's it going to be released?
We're aiming for an early 2006 release.
How's that going to work?
By the time this mother is done, time travel will be as common as burgers and fries and the publishing world is going to be a totally different industry. My book will be the first released prehumously.
That sounds ridiculous, and by the way, Franklin W. Dixon is a pen name referring to several different authors.
Holy shit you're annoying. The guy isn't the guy who wrote the Hardy Boyds, it's a different guy, and trust me, my Franklin W. Dixon is not only a better author, but he also makes a better Swordfish Picatta, my favourite dish.
Is there anything you want to add before you leave?
Yeah sure, um, let's see, okay, if you're writing an autobiography don't be scared to make some stuff up. For example, in real life I was a ball player, but in my autobiography I'm a plumber because everyone likes hearing stories about the yellows and browns if you know what I mean. Also, if you happen to visit Shanghai in 2010 take a peak around and see if you can find my watch. I lost it there last year. It's black, digital, and if you press all the buttons together a parachute pops out just in case. Thanks guys!
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Christma$ is my favourite holiday no matter what my brother tells you, and so there's a lot of stuff about it on the blog. Here's a great little yarn about Mary's complaints while staying in that little stable in Bethlehem where Jesus was born:
10. "Joseph! Can you find me an actual blanket, this sheep won't stay still."
9. "I think my water just broke... no, wait, it's just more pig piss seeping into my dress again. Joseph, I swear, I hate you so much right now"
8. "For the 15th time, Joseph, would you get that fucking owl out of here?!"
7. "It's so damn cold in here I'm scared my birth canal is going to freeze."
6. "You may be a good carpenter Joseph, but you suck shit at finding hotel rooms."
5. "For the last time, if it's a boy we're naming him D'Angelo and if it's a girl I like Toopsy."
4. "First I don't develop breasts until I'm 19 and now this. What's next? Arthritis? Fucking grey hair Joseph?"
3. "You're buying me a goat after this Joseph, you know that, right?"
2. "I hate my nose so much. My nose combined with your common sense? This baby doesn't stand a chance."
1. "So cold, so tired, I'm hallucinating Joseph, I can see the...I see the future! It's glorious... there's a king named Weird Al and a tome called The DaVinci Code. Uh, It's over. Now all I see is a shitty husband, three rosters and a pile of cow shit."
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And here's a lost carol called...
"Bethlehem Snow"
I was there, I saw the birth, the new King brought to this Earth
The little town of Bethlehem was radiating mirth
But I sold rugs and had to split my camel packed and ready
I said "goodbye!", ate some figs and rode on, fast and steady
Before the gates, the sky went dark and a chill filled the air
I looked up to the stars above and white shit fell on my hair
"What the hell?" I asked Denis, my brown camel strong and true
But he just smiled, licked his lips and dropped some sandy poo
Chorus:
Snow in Bethlehem is bullshit even on Christmas Day
You get real cold, your feet get wet and cows eat frozen hay
Women wear more and beer ain't refreshing and I don't own a hat
I had to kill my camel Denis and wrap myself in his fat
Now I'd seen a lot of things, including bearded chicks
But it never snows in Bethlehem so I assumed dirty tricks
I punched a man who walked on by because he looked real dumb
By then the snow was four feet deep and my balls were getting numb
I ate some snow because it was free and all the world went black
It wasn't snow but instead was bleach that had fallen from my sack
Chorus:
Snow in Bethlehem is bullshit even on Christmas Day
You get real cold, your feet get wet and cows eat frozen hay
Women wear more and beer ain't refreshing and I don't own a hat
I had to kill my camel Denis and wrap myself in his fat
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FAVOURITE TRENDS OF 2009:
- Eating soup through licorice tubes then saving the licorice to wager at a monthly Pog Tournament at any local sports bar
- Tricking the elderly into buying hockey cards, saying they'll need them if they ever want to withdraw money ever again
- Tattoos of your favourite report card
- Calling pants "Leg Socks", socks "Foot Coats" and hats "Hair"
- Calling a pizza a "Cheesy Stuart"
- Claiming you're related to Tom Green and proving it by calling a friend of yours who will back up your story and who is also pretending to be related to Tom Green but to an entirely different group of people
- Sweating a lot just so you look wet and can brag that you have a pool that you don't have
- Filling your toilet with sand and making a garden and then shitting in your outside garden
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Unfortunately, this blog is subject to hacking just like any other mainframe.
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I had a lot of fun during our first ever Beak Week, although the public didn't seem as enthusiastic.
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My steady girl is convinced NHL defenceman Tomas Kaberle is gross purely based on this fake exchange with his girlfriend:
Tomas Kaberle - Hi baby, I order a pizza with Czech topping - carrots, milk sauce and blue meat
Kaberle's girlfriend - What's "blue meat"
Tomas Kaberle - Pickled goat vein.
Kaberles's girlfriend - What's milk sauce?
Tomas Kaberle - It pickled goat vein blended with cod roe mixed with crow semen.
Kaberle's girlfriend - I don't think Pizza Pizza has that.
Tomas Kaberle - Let us just put on Coldplay's Parachutes and I'll suck your toes.
Kaberle's girlfriend - ...will you buy me a new dress?
Tomas Kaberle - Of course baby, but only if you dip your toes in milk sauce before I lick them.
Kaberle's girlfriend - ...I don't think we have any, but there's some left over creamy garlic Pizza Pizza dipping sauce in the fridge.
Tomas Kaberle - A worthy substitute. Drop socks and let me dip and suck.
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I spent a lof of time in the early days complaining about work, which I've given up because I've learned that work is bad unless you're weird or lucky. On rare days I did find the lighter side.
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INTERVIEW WITH A BEAN MAN
Why choose beans?
Every man has a path brother.
But what is it about beans that made you want to grow them your whole life?
I don't grow beans.
I thought you were a bean man.
Yeah man, I just study the little guys. What do I know about growing them?
If you study them, shouldn't that mean you know a thing or two about growing them?
"A thing or two"? Who are you, Elliot Gould?
Why don't you just tell us something about beans.
Did you know there's a type of bean called the 'Volcano Bean'?
Now we're getting somewhere! Tell me about 'Volcano Beans'.
No, no wait, that doesn't work. Hold on...
Huh?
Okay, okay, ask me what a 'Haz Bean' is.
...What's a 'Haz Bean'?
David Charvet. HAHAHAHAHA.
So is there such thing as a 'Volcano Bean'?
Is there any way we can have a conversation about Volcano Beans that will lead to a joke about David Charvet?
I doubt it.
That could be his new nickname! Oh man!
Bean man picks up his cell phone and dials a number.
Nick? Yeah it's me. How about "Volcano Bean" for the nickname? Not for my daughter, for Charvet! I know, right! Okay, I'll print the hats.
Hangs up phone
Sorry Tiger I gotta jet, destiny awaits. Eat beans.
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Since a lot of comedy writers make their living making fun of real life news, I tried a few times in case David Letterman ever googles "Canadian poo jokes".
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Another celebrity interview, this time with Survivor host Jeff Probst:
WIDAHIA - Hi Jeff, I noticed you're not wearing your signature khaki adventure wear.
JP - Yeah, weird! No big deal though. It's my daughter's wedding today and as they said in Survivor Australia, "Different pants for different evants".
WIDAHIA - When's the wedding?
JP - We're about ten minutes in now.
WIDAHIA - Shouldn't you be there?
JP - Who says I'm not, Buster Brown?
WIDAHIA - Okay, even if you are there, you're wearing a old t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Where's your tux?
JP - Up your butt and around the corner. You know where I first heard that retort? Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, 1976.
WIDAHIA - Can you tell us anything about the new season?
JP - Autumn?
WIDAHIA - No, your show on CBS - Survivor?
JP - Baby, that's real life!
Mr. Probst then exited, leaving behind an autographed 8x10 of himself and three packages of unopened Upper Deck baseball cards with a note that said "In your dreams big guy".-----------------------------------------
I once posted a poetry contest, and the only entrant and clear winner was my brother, whose poem is worth repeating:
Untitled
I used to have a head of long straight hair,
Though I never used a bobby pin,
I cut it all off - almost bare,
After being mistaken for a girl at the Mandarin.
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I don't remember why, but at some point I posted tips from my favourite male brunette, Ben Affleck.
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I spent a lot of time on this post analyzing modern movie posters and the movies that inspired them.
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Mother's Day Greetings:
Roses are red, rice is from China, I wouldn't be here without your vagina
Mom - I'm old enough now that I could beat you up no problem, but of course I never would!
Mom - Our love is strictly emotional, but damn you look good
You raised me, fed me and nurtured me. All I can give in return is my love and a promise I'll give you the best damn funeral when you die.
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I celebrated at post 200 and my publicist got some great quotes from real celebrities:
Here are what some people had to say about this historic 200th post:
"Listen, I could sit here all day and gab about muscle cars, but I keep that stuff private and so should you."
- George Lucas, director
"My and my sister used to play this game called "Gum Bums" where we'd stick gum to each other's asses and then have our cat eat it off. Great blog."
- Mark Knopfler, musician
"You win some, you lose some. But when you tie, the whole world smiles. When you don't play at all, that's just a safe bet."
- Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager
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The ROM has requested the transcript of the day I live blogged Barack Obama's inauguration
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Right now, the dukes and lords are way into sushi and other stuff that isn't cooked because their yoga teachers got the game on lockdown, so they're back at the top of the cycle, but not for long. Once these trends trickle down to the commoners, and sushi is available in bags down at the local 7/11 in flavours such as Southwest Hot Dog, the richest of the rich will want to move on, which is when they'll hit Jerky. Ronco's Food Dehydrators will become as desirable as Faberge Eggs and the Fruit Roll-Up Co. will enjoy a resurgence.
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Robins - These red-titted birds are one of the first signs of "cheesin' season". They make nests out of our daintiest garbage, and lay beautiful blue eggs that make human mothers wish they weren't mammals. Robins are only good until May starts, at which point we remember how much better blue jays and cardinals are.
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SUPER POWER OF THE DAY
One of the most underrated super powers would be one where you could convince yourself anything is fun. So during the week when you’re at the job you hate, you just use your powers and the most mundane tasks become surf safaris and your nad of a boss becomes a regular James J. Bullock. Then when the weekend comes around you either turn off your powers for regular fun or keep them on for power fun. In the movie version of this super power, the conflict arises when the guy’s parents die and he has to decide whether or not to turn on the fun.
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♫ We are the four Chaz' and welcome to the show ♫
♫ Plug in our tuxedos, see our bow ties glow ♫
♫ We sing you a song, then cook you a roast ♫
♫ Then summon the fifth Chaz, he is but a ghost ♫
♫ He died in a robbery in fall '85 ♫
♫ By stealing the honey from a big old bee hive ♫
♫ He wasn't allergic, he fell off a tree ♫
♫ He climbed the damn thing to escape the damn bees ♫
♫ His wife is a widow and loves to sing jazz ♫
♫ She had surgery and is now the fourth Chaz ♫
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Over the years I seem to hate Mondays more and more, which is a sign I'm getting old, along with a new found fondness for Canadian Tire. Here are some Monday Jokes:
What do Mondays and your underpants options have in common? You don't really care about them until the sun rises.What's Monday's favourite colour? Orange, just because everyone else hates it.
Who is Monday's worst enemy? Christmas.
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This list of names was really popular amongst my female clientele:
Shane
Jade
Chase
Austin
Zach
Tiffany
Brittany
Jared
PJ
Dylan
Cody
Taylor
Dustin
Chad
Jayden
Madison
Cooper
Colton
Ryder
Carson
Mackenzie
Bruce
Henry
Dale
Hortence
Rusty
Xzibit
Ernie
Mack
Tiny
Rudolph
Jane
Lucky
Roald
Valentine
Garfield
Lenny
Viggo
Dirk
Donald
Lance
Bingo
Raymond
Betty
Luke
Mickey
Destro
Willy
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Thanks to everyone who has read this thing at least once. My goal was to keep it going to prove to myself that I can stick to something other than liking fries.
I don't get serious here too often, but I found this quote that I posted from the book Cannery Row that's worth repeating because it sums up the way I feel about everything in general, which is what I try to communicate with every entry:
Two nights ago I finished reading Steinbeck's "Cannery Row" and there's this great part where this guy Doc goes:
It has always seemed strange to me...The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second.
For post 1,000 all I have to do is paste this whole thing and I'm halfway there!
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