FIREFIGHTERS ARE KIND OF ARSONISTS

MOVIE REVIEW

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE (2010)

Hot Tub Time Machine spins the tale of four men going on a vacation to the slopes after their friend Rob Corddry almost dies in a suicide attempt. He’s one of the four men by the way - this adventure is about four men, not four men and Rob Corddry. Unfortunately, the ski resort that they loved in 1986 is total shit in 2010 and they complain for a bit before realizing that the hot tub in the backyard looks decent enough to party in. They drink a lot and then wake up in 1986 because the hot tub is a time machine when you pour an energy drink in its circuits – sounds a lot like my ex-wife!

After some solid brainstorming and a lot of utterances of the word “fuck”, the guys decide they’d better do exactly what they did in 1986 so as not to disrupt history. The audience sees them as their old guy selves, but everyone in the movie sees them as the wily teens they were in ’86, probably because sex scenes would be impossible otherwise. Speaking of which, Jessica Pare’s milkers make a fabulous cinematic comeback, when she gets nude with Craig Robinson in a bathtub. So far this is more of a synopsis. It's probably because I'm not very opinionated. Let's move on to the final act:

The guys have trouble sticking to the plan and everything gets shitty for awhile until the end when John Cusack’s nephew (Clark Duke) finds the lost energy drink that a ghost played by Chevy Chase tells him is the key to time travel in a the hot tub time machine. Rob Corddry decides to stay in the past and become a millionaire and when the gang gets back to present day they’re all millionaires because Rob Corddry is a great friend. This movie is about great friends and it stars, and was produced by, John Cusack. This movie was pretty good laughs, but I don't think you're going to go home wishing you were the main characters, like after you saw Field of Dreams.

After proofreading this movie review, I’ve decided a better film would’ve been “Ex-Wife Time Machine”. In my version, Rob Corddry has sex with John Cusack’s ex-wife after he feeds her the energy drink, and he travels to the future. She tells Cusack and his friend Craig Robinson about it and they decide they have to have sex with her, travel to the future and save Rob Corddry. When they get to the future they meet Clark Duke who is the son of the ex-wife and they all have to figure out whose son it really is. Craig Robinson says it isn’t his because he’s black, so he spends most of the movie trying to figure out who to have sex with to get back to 2010, because in the future the ex-wife died in a forest fire. There will be a lot of comic relief because he ends up having sex with a crazy cast of characters like a pot smoking grandma, a butchy woman cop, a woman with 4 boobs and 2 nipples and someone like Martha Stewart who isn’t actually Martha Stewart. Before every sex scene he says “day-amn, who knew time travel would be this hard” and then after he always says “day-amn”. In the end it turns out that they weren’t even in the future to begin with, they were just in a cool part of town and it was all a trick so the ex-wife could see if John Cusack has matured since they divorced because she ran out of money and was thinking of getting back together with him.

SUPER POWER OF THE DAY

One of the most underrated super powers would be one where you could convince yourself anything is fun. So during the week when you’re at the job you hate, you just use your powers and the most mundane tasks become surf safaris and your nad of a boss becomes a regular James J. Bullock. Then when the weekend comes around you either turn off your powers for regular fun or keep them on for power fun. In the movie version of this super power, the conflict arises when the guy’s parents die and he has to decide whether or not to turn on the fun.