I PLAYED SOCCER BUT THEN I REALIZED IT WASN'T FOOTBALL

Everyone's going gonkers over the new Apple iPad because it's a big iPhone and people liked the iPhone because it's an iPod with a phone and people like phones because they meant no more telegrams and people liked telegrams because they were expensive. So pretty simple, right?

Anyway, forget all that. It won't be on your test and it won't make you cool with the skateboarders. I talked to Steve Jobs (the coolest babysitter I ever had) just before the big unveiling and he told me all the potential names they didn't end up using and who got fired for suggesting them:

Biblio Franco, Product Developer, suggested the "Apple Daddy Smith", a play on a popular fruit variety, changing "Granny" to "Daddy" because in Biblio's words "I highly doubt a raisin-brained girl can operate this thing".

Marco Noonnmn, Public Affairs Officer, suggested "American iDol" because he likes the show. Everyone thought it was kind of cute but then he spent an entire week screaming at everyone that he isn't gay for some reason, repeating "how many bras do I have to snap to convince people otherwise?" over and over again. He took a new job at Quaker Oats, finding a second calling as an oat diver at their Chicago headquarters.

Gremelda Cake, PR Specialist wanted to call it "Steve MacScreen" for obvious reasons, and Jobs considered it until he realized she stole it from a popular fish taco joint out in San Diego that the locals really dig.

Check out this Far Side cartoon I made:

Valentine's is coming up, get those condoms on while you can!