THE BASKETBALL IMP

Subtle weekend partying

The clock has struck "Friday" and the weekend has begun. Back in the old days that meant buying cake and wine and going out to find the biggest butts in the burg. Now I'm thirty-one and although I still know how to grease the streets when push comes to shove, I can't rely on my powers of old. This has forced me to come up with some alternative ways of partying when I have the time to actually do so (my old lady is always after me to wash the rice and clean up after the bugs). Here's a quick list of some subtle ways you can party this weekend without all the vomit and tight clothes.

This is the kind of hangover you'll get if you take my advice

Use conditioner BEFORE shampoo

It feels pretty weird at first but so does snorting gin out of a wooden spoon the first few times you try it. I don't know if it actually makes a difference with regard to the shininess and lustre of your hair but it will make you feel alive before the eggs start frying. Quick note: if you get fond of this move and incorporate it into your daily routine then end up in prison somehow, you might want to stop using it. In the joint, using conditioner before shampoo signals to the other inmates that you're a vegetarian and next thing you know you'll be on garden duty faster than the warden can say "fresh peas?". 

Drink coffee from a bowl

What is a mug? Simply a vessel, not unlike a tub, half of a globe, a hole in the ground or a simple bowl. Drinking your morning joey from a bowl will ignite a sense that you probably didn't even know you had - the sense of quaff, meaning to drink down or guzzle. Too often we rely on our sense of sip in the morning, stunting some of the lesser known senses and partying is all about inhibition and the embrace of all senses from the top of the hair to the end of the warts on the toes. 

Use a grocery bag filled with clothes as your pillow

If you've already followed the first two tips then you'll be straight knackered by the time Saturday night rolls around. Traditional partiers seek thrills well into the night so we must strive to do the same. Find a regular sized grocery bag and fill it with your most interesting clothes to make a custom pillow that will lull your head into a world of unfamiliarity that will naturally metastasize into a safe version of psychedelia (you'll get tired and toss and turn a lot).

Watch TV wearing headphones

For this move you'll have to find a way to plug a pair of headphones into the audio output of your television. It might prove to be a lot of work but it will be worth it and you'll feel as if you're IN the TV rather than simply hanging around it and eavesdropping on all of its conversations.

Download three new fonts

It doesn't take a hacker to install new fonts, and many don't realize that there are millions of free ones on the Internet to experiment with just as a junkie eats garbage in case something within packs a zing. I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill variations on the ones you've grown sick of, I'm talking about fonts based on some of your favourite logos from film, TV and the handwriting of Kings of old. When I started using the Bladerunner font on all my homemade birthday cards, I received in return some of the best thank yous and pats on the back that I've ever experienced and I once saved an entire town from snakes.

STOP DROP AND CHEW

Time for a Pup-date!

Little Spiro got into the corn again and after a scolding from his owner, Barry, Spiro said "I'M SOWY BAYWY" and all was forgiven until Spiro got caught eating belts five minutes later. Barry had no choice but to trade Spiro for those baseball cards he always wanted and the card shop finally got a mascot worthy of replacing the now retired "Big Jerk".

Time for an update!

I went to the Scottage on the weekend for some meat and lake. If you ever find yourself at the Scottage, here's what you need to do to have a cool time:

Once you get there, put on Tarzan Boy and take off your shirt because Tarzan Boy never even wore a shirt.





Old guys and mayors always say "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and in the morning we felt like flattering Christopher Wallace so we imitated his favourite meal: T-Bone Steak, Cheese, Eggs and Welch's Grape at the inaugural hip hop brunch. In an effort to stop the violence within the hip hop community, we also gave a nod to Tupac Shakur by mixing up the drink he invented, Thug Passion. Unfortunately, we're smart enough not to waste our wages on Cristal, so we used Spumante Bambino instead, which kind of sounds like it could be a Wu Tang song.

"Thug Passion"
(feat. Dramacydal, Storm, Jewell)

[Intro: 2Pac]

Aight, new drink
one part alize one part Cristal
Thugs Passion baby
y'all know what time it is

As you're waiting for the sun to come up, you might as well shoot promo pics for the sitcom you're producing. In this case we brought over the cast of "Ay Ay Captain?" and had celebrity photographer Will.I.Am come by. You'll be seeing the above image in next week's People.

Then you get into a big tube with four other half naked dudes and let the afternoon melt away, while the ladies sit ashore and get horny beyond words.

When night falls, you're probably going to want to party like this. Here's the Jersey Shore's The Situation, J-Wow and Flappy fist pumping a song they like.

Teamwork wins championships. In this case we enlisted the help of party legend Scott Butler, who is pictured above ready to cook a bacon explosion for the whole squad.



Next time I'll tell you the best place to barf at the zoo and what to do if you find yourself on the set of a major motion picture starring Nancy Travis.