Ok, so it's just past 1pm now and I'm slightly more awake than before. Seriously though, jalapenos are dangerous little guys. When I touched my nards I had actually already washed my hands, so I guess there was still some residue. Good thing I didn't touch my eyeball or even my anus for that matter. Sorry, but it's true. But why would I be touching my anus? HA. Safe. It was never a threat to being with.
Now I'm associating the chili I made last night with not sleeping so I don't feel like eating any. That's total garbage. I wished I wanted some. I know it's good. Spicy kick. Meaty. Warm.
November 28, 2008
OHHHH NOOO
I had to wake up at 6:30 this morning because I'm working earlier to facilitate the Toronto Raptors, so I knew I had to go to bed early last night. But man. MAN. Nothing went right. First, I was making chili for our upcoming Bills tailgate experience and I forgot to wash my hands after I chopped a jalapeno pepper. I must have then touched my nose and my nards because before I knew it, they were both on fire. The pain eventually went away and it was time for bed. But wouldn't you know it? My next door neighbour was playing music at a volume just above tolerable and so it took me far too long to fall asleep. I even tried drugging myself with Neo Citran, but if there's one thing in this world that makes me not sleep it's the soft thud of bass in my face. It wasn't even very loud, but loud enough to make me go crazy.
I'm so tired right now that I could fall asleep in a lake.
I'm so tired right now I could fall asleep on a glass bed
I'm off coffee again because it makes my stomach go GRREEEEEEEEEEWSSSH so I'd better go get a soda. I might update you later, but I might not. I can't think straight right now. To the bathroom!
I'm so tired right now that I could fall asleep in a lake.
I'm so tired right now I could fall asleep on a glass bed
I'm off coffee again because it makes my stomach go GRREEEEEEEEEEWSSSH so I'd better go get a soda. I might update you later, but I might not. I can't think straight right now. To the bathroom!
November 27, 2008
THEN WHY DON'T WE LIVE IN TREES, HUH?
What's with Gossip Girl? How does she know so much? I bet all these nerdy girls in high schools across the United States have tried to start a Gossip Girl style blog only to have no one read it.
"It's too tough. I can't be at like 500 places at once."
Here's what it might be like:
I think B might have kissed J, but I don't know for sure because my source isn't very reliable. I guess everyone heard already that N's dad left her mom. Nicky that is. Yeah you already know that. I don't have anything new really. The lasagna in the cafeteria was sooooo good today!
See? That's it. So dumb. That's reality. Do girls watch that show for the hot romance, the hunks or the fashions? I'll stick to Top Chef thank you very much. That show has everthing: Food and suspense. Give me those two elements and I'm a happy child. A big, beautiful happy child, full of life and ready to discover the world with mirth and enthusiasm. Open those big new eyes beautiful boy! The sun wants to bathe you in his/her nuclear laser rays. Don't go too close! When humans start to dominate space like we totally dominate Earth then that stuff I wrote up there will be true. When parents go out for dinner to the protein bar, they'll just throw their babies in space and let them float around for awhile. There will be tracking devices of course, so retrieval will be no problem at all. But like I was saying, beware the sun and be wary of space ghosts a la that shitty episode of the X-Files. I'm now going to share some wisdom:
Humans got smart and started to explain the universe through science, not religion
Then science birthed industry out of its brilliant womb and humans make big steps
Humans then dirtied up the planet because of technology
Now we have to get smart again and choose whether to keep being dirty and go to space for better living or fix things here
Obviously we're going with Option B, which means that there's a revolution going on right now. The world is connected because of the biggest thing going (the Internet) and everyone wants to improve things. But I think we should consider space some more. I know what you're saying to your friend right now:
"Would this guy shut up about space already?"
No. Remember when I said that winter is like Canada's default season, all natural? When you think about it, space is like default existence. That's the big picture man. Planets are really just turds hanging around. We should get on that train ASAP. What if we go and find a planet that's California all over? I like Earth just fine, but it seems like a waste of time if there's a better planet out there filled with big fruits and delicious creatures that taste like BBQ sauce to begin with.
Let's switch gears. I don't like how so many people have issues with public bathrooms. Some are bad. I'm not crazy here. I hate bathrooms caked in shit and shining with pee pee as much as the next guy, but a solid clean public bathroom can be a sanctuary, especially the ones at work. It's the place where no one can bother you no matter how long you're in there for - it's none of their business and if they so want to know what you're up to then they're crazy anyway, even if you are just sitting there playing Nintendo DS. I guess most people have a problem with the number of potentially dirty cheeks that have graced the surface. Whatever to that. If you can shake hands with a stranger, you can sit on the same bowl as them. It's not like butts are any dirtier than any other body part, I mean heck, my back if probably dirtier than my wiggler (butt). And women, who are generally more squeamish, don't even have to worry that someone has whizzed on the seat. So to you I say this: Once you trust the public washroom it can be a very relaxing and safe place. Just open your mind, and your butt will follow. I seriously don't get why people leave the can such a mess, you know? Like at bars? Why don't people just flush? Why do they use so much TP?
As they say in the circus biz, "Time to pack everything up and head to the next town. Davey, you're on coffee tonight." I bid you adieu and I hope and pray that you get the iPhone you wanted for Christmas. I talked it over with your parents and things are looking REAL good.
"It's too tough. I can't be at like 500 places at once."
Here's what it might be like:
I think B might have kissed J, but I don't know for sure because my source isn't very reliable. I guess everyone heard already that N's dad left her mom. Nicky that is. Yeah you already know that. I don't have anything new really. The lasagna in the cafeteria was sooooo good today!
See? That's it. So dumb. That's reality. Do girls watch that show for the hot romance, the hunks or the fashions? I'll stick to Top Chef thank you very much. That show has everthing: Food and suspense. Give me those two elements and I'm a happy child. A big, beautiful happy child, full of life and ready to discover the world with mirth and enthusiasm. Open those big new eyes beautiful boy! The sun wants to bathe you in his/her nuclear laser rays. Don't go too close! When humans start to dominate space like we totally dominate Earth then that stuff I wrote up there will be true. When parents go out for dinner to the protein bar, they'll just throw their babies in space and let them float around for awhile. There will be tracking devices of course, so retrieval will be no problem at all. But like I was saying, beware the sun and be wary of space ghosts a la that shitty episode of the X-Files. I'm now going to share some wisdom:
Humans got smart and started to explain the universe through science, not religion
Then science birthed industry out of its brilliant womb and humans make big steps
Humans then dirtied up the planet because of technology
Now we have to get smart again and choose whether to keep being dirty and go to space for better living or fix things here
Obviously we're going with Option B, which means that there's a revolution going on right now. The world is connected because of the biggest thing going (the Internet) and everyone wants to improve things. But I think we should consider space some more. I know what you're saying to your friend right now:
"Would this guy shut up about space already?"
No. Remember when I said that winter is like Canada's default season, all natural? When you think about it, space is like default existence. That's the big picture man. Planets are really just turds hanging around. We should get on that train ASAP. What if we go and find a planet that's California all over? I like Earth just fine, but it seems like a waste of time if there's a better planet out there filled with big fruits and delicious creatures that taste like BBQ sauce to begin with.
Let's switch gears. I don't like how so many people have issues with public bathrooms. Some are bad. I'm not crazy here. I hate bathrooms caked in shit and shining with pee pee as much as the next guy, but a solid clean public bathroom can be a sanctuary, especially the ones at work. It's the place where no one can bother you no matter how long you're in there for - it's none of their business and if they so want to know what you're up to then they're crazy anyway, even if you are just sitting there playing Nintendo DS. I guess most people have a problem with the number of potentially dirty cheeks that have graced the surface. Whatever to that. If you can shake hands with a stranger, you can sit on the same bowl as them. It's not like butts are any dirtier than any other body part, I mean heck, my back if probably dirtier than my wiggler (butt). And women, who are generally more squeamish, don't even have to worry that someone has whizzed on the seat. So to you I say this: Once you trust the public washroom it can be a very relaxing and safe place. Just open your mind, and your butt will follow. I seriously don't get why people leave the can such a mess, you know? Like at bars? Why don't people just flush? Why do they use so much TP?
As they say in the circus biz, "Time to pack everything up and head to the next town. Davey, you're on coffee tonight." I bid you adieu and I hope and pray that you get the iPhone you wanted for Christmas. I talked it over with your parents and things are looking REAL good.
November 26, 2008
100TH POST MEANS I'M CELEBRATING WITH PEANUTS AND YOGURT
This is post number one hundred. Since I rarely see things through from beginning to end, I'm fairly proud of myself. But don't fret! This isn't the end my friends, but more of a beginning to another end that will come at post two hundred that will be another beginning to get to three hundred and so on until one thousand comes and maybe then I'll quit depending on how old and successful I am. What's a bigger deal, one hundred posts or the BIG one year anniversary? One hundred posts sounds better but the one year anniversary is more nostalgic. I fear my "YEAR IN REVIEW SPECIAL STARRING HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST 30 UNDER 30" because this has been kind of a crummy year for me, relatively speaking of course. <-----------There's your spoiler for the YEAR IN REVIEW SPECIAL STARRING HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST 30 UNDER 30, coming in December or January. I can't remember when this started and I don't feel like checking.
Every so often I think like this:
"What's up with Doctor Who? It's beloved but I've never watched it. Would I like it? Probably. Am I going to watch it? Probably not. What's it about anyway?"
Then I read a description of the show and I think:
"That sounds sort of confusing. I'll stick to something a little less complicated thank you very much!"
WELLLLLL
LAST
NIGHT
I finally watched some Doctor Who and it was rock solid with cherries on top served in a miniature Milwaukee Brewers baseball helmet for $3.99 plus applicable taxes for a limited time only in select stores nationwide (Dairy Queens). Yeah dude. It was the Doctor I remember when my dad used to watch it: The Tom Baker years. It was sort of like watching Star Trek but more silly and Tom Baker is like Gene Wilder plus Sherlock Holmes plus a 40 foot scarf plus a whole lot of teeth. I think I'd really enjoy sitting around my parent's house during the holidays watching a SHIT LOAD of Doctor Who with a stocked fridge of cold meats and cheeses at my disposal. Olives too. The salty personality is a perfect companion to a lazy Christmas day. HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, GLORY TO THE OLIVE KING! And to think I nay sayed olives for most of my life!? I should be tried of heresy! I should be sentenced to the depths of the brine prisons of Olivegard, the white city in the kingdom of Pickled Delights, which is probably in Italy, I don't know. To sum things up, my interest in Doctor Who has piqued and olives are great.
It really bad when you feel like garbage and the weather is garbage and you're like "Ah man I thought you were on my side". Then when you're really happy and the weather stinks you're like "cheer up pal, you'll get better" and then when the weather is nice and you stink you're like "thanks for trying pal, I'll try to cheer up but I'm not making any promises". I usually feel shitty when I'm stagnant. I felt really stagnant earlier today. Stagnant water births mosquitoes and stagnant Glenn breeds bummer times, so same thing really.
You never here people say positive things about mosquitoes like they do bees or spiders. Mosquitoes are the B4-4 of the insect kingdom (no love) while bees and spiders are more like Justin Timberlake - there's a lot of people who hate him but most think he's a-ok. Actually, they're more like Wilco - people are divided on alt country. I don't know, you get it right? I don't need another example. I personally don't like bees and spiders but I respect their work. Mosquitoes can all burn in hell for all I care. Fuckin vampires. Stupid idiots. I'll make you itchy you shithead, see how it feels. If the world worked liked mosquitoes did it would suck. Every time I get hungry I make someone itchy. Want some popcorn? ITCH. Some salad? SCRATCH. Fuck you. You make summer as well as exotic locales shitty. Nobody likes you. You were born in a shitty pond that no one likes.
I think we all learned a lot of valuable stuff today. Try to use some of my advice in real life situations, okay? That was a test. There was no advice. Go back and read it over again. Don't skip the olive part this time.
Every so often I think like this:
"What's up with Doctor Who? It's beloved but I've never watched it. Would I like it? Probably. Am I going to watch it? Probably not. What's it about anyway?"
Then I read a description of the show and I think:
"That sounds sort of confusing. I'll stick to something a little less complicated thank you very much!"
WELLLLLL
LAST
NIGHT
I finally watched some Doctor Who and it was rock solid with cherries on top served in a miniature Milwaukee Brewers baseball helmet for $3.99 plus applicable taxes for a limited time only in select stores nationwide (Dairy Queens). Yeah dude. It was the Doctor I remember when my dad used to watch it: The Tom Baker years. It was sort of like watching Star Trek but more silly and Tom Baker is like Gene Wilder plus Sherlock Holmes plus a 40 foot scarf plus a whole lot of teeth. I think I'd really enjoy sitting around my parent's house during the holidays watching a SHIT LOAD of Doctor Who with a stocked fridge of cold meats and cheeses at my disposal. Olives too. The salty personality is a perfect companion to a lazy Christmas day. HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, GLORY TO THE OLIVE KING! And to think I nay sayed olives for most of my life!? I should be tried of heresy! I should be sentenced to the depths of the brine prisons of Olivegard, the white city in the kingdom of Pickled Delights, which is probably in Italy, I don't know. To sum things up, my interest in Doctor Who has piqued and olives are great.
It really bad when you feel like garbage and the weather is garbage and you're like "Ah man I thought you were on my side". Then when you're really happy and the weather stinks you're like "cheer up pal, you'll get better" and then when the weather is nice and you stink you're like "thanks for trying pal, I'll try to cheer up but I'm not making any promises". I usually feel shitty when I'm stagnant. I felt really stagnant earlier today. Stagnant water births mosquitoes and stagnant Glenn breeds bummer times, so same thing really.
You never here people say positive things about mosquitoes like they do bees or spiders. Mosquitoes are the B4-4 of the insect kingdom (no love) while bees and spiders are more like Justin Timberlake - there's a lot of people who hate him but most think he's a-ok. Actually, they're more like Wilco - people are divided on alt country. I don't know, you get it right? I don't need another example. I personally don't like bees and spiders but I respect their work. Mosquitoes can all burn in hell for all I care. Fuckin vampires. Stupid idiots. I'll make you itchy you shithead, see how it feels. If the world worked liked mosquitoes did it would suck. Every time I get hungry I make someone itchy. Want some popcorn? ITCH. Some salad? SCRATCH. Fuck you. You make summer as well as exotic locales shitty. Nobody likes you. You were born in a shitty pond that no one likes.
I think we all learned a lot of valuable stuff today. Try to use some of my advice in real life situations, okay? That was a test. There was no advice. Go back and read it over again. Don't skip the olive part this time.
November 25, 2008
TODAY'S CONTENT
Favourite chips - Dill
Favourite ketchup - Heinz (duh)
Favourite warm drink - tea
Favourite tree - maple
Favourite toilet - parent's house
Favourite shoe brand - Adidas
Favourite bird - Eagle
Favourite thing - good times
Favourite summer drink - lemonade
Favourite winter drink - lemonade
Check those out short stuff. Those should give you an idea of what to get me for Christmas. I have a lot of fun things to do before the holidays OFFICIALLY arrive. By official I mean that day when Jesus visits the North Pole and him and Santa have their annual soup off. Then they throw the switch and the pine needle covered cross gets lit up with thousands of LED lights. But before that, BEFORE THAT, this is what I will do:
Buffalo Bills game - It's going to be really cold and shitty outside but inside my heart it's going to be warm and flowing and inside my brain it's going to be sports, chili and beers. Inside my pockets are going to be hard candies and extra mitties.
President's Choice Raptors Basketball - Inside the ACC it's going to be bright and warm, but inside my wallet is going to be the usual stuff. I'm going to the game this Friday for a total dudes night where we'll talk about all the latest boobs, developments in tight pants for ladies, gay rumours and beer flavours.
Neil Young - I've never seen Neil L-I-V-E before so it'll be S-I-C-K and when the N-I-G-H-T is over I'll H-A-V-E memories to last a life time. I'll probably treat myself to a pre-show burrito and maybe some fries.
Office party - Our party is set atop the Sutton Place Hotel and everything is free, including the fermented drinks that adults have at get togethers. Two years ago the DJs decided they were going to sing "If I had a Million Dollars" for some reason and needless to say, they failed. Keep in mind this was in no way a karaoke event and I still for the life of me can't figure out why they did that. It would've been better had they performed a spoof version called "If I had a Million Dullards" about hanging out with bunch of idiots, or "If I had a Million Donalds" about hanging out with some cool Donalds. Have you ever tried to come up with your own parody song? You can't go to college for that shit son. Y'all learn it from tha streetz.
Our family also has to go on our yearly goose hunt and potatoe bake and I still have to perform in the church production of "A Christmas Story". This year I'm playing the dad who wins the leg lamp. Good role. Beefy role. I'm trying to get them to add a sex scene with the mom because I don't think the relationship comes out on stage as it does on film. Luckily we have a really open minded director this year. It's someone famous. It's Jason Alexander (!!!!). Don't tell anyone until opening night.
Favourite ketchup - Heinz (duh)
Favourite warm drink - tea
Favourite tree - maple
Favourite toilet - parent's house
Favourite shoe brand - Adidas
Favourite bird - Eagle
Favourite thing - good times
Favourite summer drink - lemonade
Favourite winter drink - lemonade
Check those out short stuff. Those should give you an idea of what to get me for Christmas. I have a lot of fun things to do before the holidays OFFICIALLY arrive. By official I mean that day when Jesus visits the North Pole and him and Santa have their annual soup off. Then they throw the switch and the pine needle covered cross gets lit up with thousands of LED lights. But before that, BEFORE THAT, this is what I will do:
Buffalo Bills game - It's going to be really cold and shitty outside but inside my heart it's going to be warm and flowing and inside my brain it's going to be sports, chili and beers. Inside my pockets are going to be hard candies and extra mitties.
President's Choice Raptors Basketball - Inside the ACC it's going to be bright and warm, but inside my wallet is going to be the usual stuff. I'm going to the game this Friday for a total dudes night where we'll talk about all the latest boobs, developments in tight pants for ladies, gay rumours and beer flavours.
Neil Young - I've never seen Neil L-I-V-E before so it'll be S-I-C-K and when the N-I-G-H-T is over I'll H-A-V-E memories to last a life time. I'll probably treat myself to a pre-show burrito and maybe some fries.
Office party - Our party is set atop the Sutton Place Hotel and everything is free, including the fermented drinks that adults have at get togethers. Two years ago the DJs decided they were going to sing "If I had a Million Dollars" for some reason and needless to say, they failed. Keep in mind this was in no way a karaoke event and I still for the life of me can't figure out why they did that. It would've been better had they performed a spoof version called "If I had a Million Dullards" about hanging out with bunch of idiots, or "If I had a Million Donalds" about hanging out with some cool Donalds. Have you ever tried to come up with your own parody song? You can't go to college for that shit son. Y'all learn it from tha streetz.
Our family also has to go on our yearly goose hunt and potatoe bake and I still have to perform in the church production of "A Christmas Story". This year I'm playing the dad who wins the leg lamp. Good role. Beefy role. I'm trying to get them to add a sex scene with the mom because I don't think the relationship comes out on stage as it does on film. Luckily we have a really open minded director this year. It's someone famous. It's Jason Alexander (!!!!). Don't tell anyone until opening night.
November 24, 2008
IF MONEY GREW ON TREES THEN COINS WOULD JUST TAKE OVER, NO BIG DEAL
Last week I watched a Joy Division documentary and it made me think long and hard about the classics. I made a decision that from now on, when it comes to music and books, I'm sticking to the classics. How can I go wrong? The risk factor is very very low, classics are easily accessible and no one can argue with the them. I'm not including films in this category because I don't really like old movies. With classic books and music you can use your imagination or something right? For example, I'm reading the Grapes of Wrath right now, and if I want I can picture them being in a dystopic future instead of the 1930's. The special effects are in my brain. Maybe I'll picture at as taking place in the "Firefly" universe. Makes sense right? That show combined cowboys and spaceships so why not Grapes of Wrath? Tom Joad is basically Captain Malcolm Reynolds and that preacher is Shepherd Book. That's as far as I've got in the book so I can't do any other comparisons. For those of you who haven't seen Firefly I'll be quiet now. I'm sorry you felt left out. I can't please everyone here. If that were the case I'd have to talk about international standards like cold, clean drinking water and a solid roof over my head. I'd complain about broad based issues like the world economy and rising gas prices. I don't do that stuff. Picture this blog as the newspaper of the city that's in my head: The latest issues, the hottest gossip and the best commentaries on the dumbest things, all coming right up after we talk more about gravy. There's no commercials here because they stink. Nothing stinks because stink is negative. Nothing is bad here so there's no stink, no must, no hassles. Put your feet up anywhere because that's what everyone should do. There are pillows in the shower. There's a fridge in the TV. Cold? The Kleenex box contains mittens and there's always a hot pot of soup on.
Back to the classics - It doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on new books and new music, but I'm going to be more cautious probably. I definitely don't want to turn into one of those guys who's stuck in one particular time period and refuses to get out. I agree that music isn't as good as it used to be, but that doesn't mean I'm going to grow my hair, buy a Zeppelin shirt and walk around brandishing a frown all day. Heard that new Britney Spears single? Heavens to Gregory that's a catchy song! And that video? She's naked in it! And when she's not naked she's humping a dude. It's kind of funny because they could've given that song to anyone, but Spears is the biggest so everyone gives their best songs to her. She really had nothing to do with it, except get naked to its smooooove rhythms and sing some bars that get robotically enhanced and looped a million times to make a song. Actually, all she has to do is hum for a few seconds and they can mold it into lyrics with some big computers. Anyway, welcome back Britney.
I ended up at a gentleman's club on Saturday night. I haven't been to one in awhile. Despite all the live naked books and bare cheeks around, I don't really like these places because they trick you into giving them money. I don't fall for that. Once this stripper was trying to get me to pay for a lap dance or something and I asked if she knew Star Wars and she said it was her favourite and then I quizzed her on it and she failed. HA. She was trying to trick me. It's just not a very positive place is all. The women are trying to make a living in a sort of crummy way, and the men are so lonely and horny that they're willing to pay for it. Someone should open a silly strip club where things aren't as serious. Its clientele will be guys like me who go because live boobs make us giggle and everyone will dance to Weird Al songs. It'll be a lighter atmosphere you know? There will be free candy all over and screens playing comedy classics like Caddyshack. Lighter atmosphere. Better quality. Better pizza. Papa John's.
Last night I had a dream that my family went on a Russian adventure but didn't invite me and I was soooooooooooooooooooo mad. A similar thing happened in real life when I was visiting my friend in Ohio and my family went to Medieval Times without me. I was so pissed. I still haven't been. Frig mom, frig. I think I was just jealous that everyone got a whole chicken to themselves. Last night I ate so much damn Swiss Chalet. Those soggy fries are like chalet sauce sponges. Oh baby.
Back to the classics - It doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on new books and new music, but I'm going to be more cautious probably. I definitely don't want to turn into one of those guys who's stuck in one particular time period and refuses to get out. I agree that music isn't as good as it used to be, but that doesn't mean I'm going to grow my hair, buy a Zeppelin shirt and walk around brandishing a frown all day. Heard that new Britney Spears single? Heavens to Gregory that's a catchy song! And that video? She's naked in it! And when she's not naked she's humping a dude. It's kind of funny because they could've given that song to anyone, but Spears is the biggest so everyone gives their best songs to her. She really had nothing to do with it, except get naked to its smooooove rhythms and sing some bars that get robotically enhanced and looped a million times to make a song. Actually, all she has to do is hum for a few seconds and they can mold it into lyrics with some big computers. Anyway, welcome back Britney.
I ended up at a gentleman's club on Saturday night. I haven't been to one in awhile. Despite all the live naked books and bare cheeks around, I don't really like these places because they trick you into giving them money. I don't fall for that. Once this stripper was trying to get me to pay for a lap dance or something and I asked if she knew Star Wars and she said it was her favourite and then I quizzed her on it and she failed. HA. She was trying to trick me. It's just not a very positive place is all. The women are trying to make a living in a sort of crummy way, and the men are so lonely and horny that they're willing to pay for it. Someone should open a silly strip club where things aren't as serious. Its clientele will be guys like me who go because live boobs make us giggle and everyone will dance to Weird Al songs. It'll be a lighter atmosphere you know? There will be free candy all over and screens playing comedy classics like Caddyshack. Lighter atmosphere. Better quality. Better pizza. Papa John's.
Last night I had a dream that my family went on a Russian adventure but didn't invite me and I was soooooooooooooooooooo mad. A similar thing happened in real life when I was visiting my friend in Ohio and my family went to Medieval Times without me. I was so pissed. I still haven't been. Frig mom, frig. I think I was just jealous that everyone got a whole chicken to themselves. Last night I ate so much damn Swiss Chalet. Those soggy fries are like chalet sauce sponges. Oh baby.
November 21, 2008
ODDS ARE THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY IS THAT YOU FIND A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY.
I was fairly aggressive yesterday, so I'm going to try to keep things light today. I was angry because it wasn't Friday. I got happier once I realized that I can do all my Christmas shopping online. Let's have a lot of fun today, share some laughs and play some really good games.
But first allow me to point out that known stupid Ashley Simpson and her puffy faced cream pie husband Pete Wentz named their son "Bronx Mowgli". So everything I said yesterday is true. "Bronx" is one of Disney's Gargoyles and "Mowgli" screams Pete Wentz louder than checkered scarves and eyeliner. Let me also take this opportunity to shout out my man Mark Wahlberg who sticks to normal names like Brendan, Ella and Michael. He also said he didn't want his daughter growing up in Hollywood with role models like Britney and Lindsay hanging around. I'd be 100% behind this guy if it wasn't for the fact that he makes generally bad movies and that he was once a horrible role model who got young girls thinking about penises way earlier than they should have. That's your celebrity wrap up for today, Friday June 6th, 1999. I'm your host Mark Paul Gosselar and I just want to be taken seriously as an actor. I'm still handsome if you step back and take an objective view of me. Strip away that Zack Morris bull crap. You see? My natural hair colour is chestnut!
I wore some boots yesterday and got some blisters, which are terrible little guys. The first time I got blisters I went "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEOOOWW" and the first time I got the wind knocked out of me I thought I was dying. The only other time I thought I was dying was when I ate some roast beef too fast. You know how scientists always compare under water to an alien planet? That's wicked. Think about that for a few seconds. Maybe when you die that's where you go. You turn into a dolphin. That would explain a whole lot. It would explain where you go when you die and it would explain why dolphins are so much damn fun and have sex for pleasure and not necessarily to make bay-bays. When you think about it, dolphins are heavenly creatures - they surf, they play, they frolic, they sing, they do it all the time, they do flips.
I really do wish a big scientific discovery was around the corner. Being around the Scientific Revolution would have been the best. Everyday these guys were blowing your mind and unlike before when magicians would tell you what's what, these guys could actually explain it. It's too bad that most people thought they were warlocks or Bible eaters. If only we could bring them back to life for a few days and show them how much we appreciate them:
"COPERNICUS, YOU'RE THE BEST, COPERNICUS, NOT LIKE THE REST"
"KEPLER, KEPLER HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T DO IT NEWTON CAN"
"NEWTON NEWTON SAT ON A WALL, NEWTON NEWTON GRAVITY DOLL"
"GALILEO SAVE THE DAY-O, GALILEO TRY OUR FUTURE MAYO"
Those would be the chants at the parade the world throws for them. We'd give them a future party the likes of which has never been seen. We'd feed them coke and burgers, take them for rides on jet boats and Ferraris, treat them to an IMAX film, fly around for awhile, go to a hip hop show, watch Planet Earth and just let them fiddle around on the Internet for awhile. It'd be funny if they weren't all that impressed and thought we'd be further along. Or if they thought we were all really obnoxious and rude. Or if they were all real horn dogs and couldn't stop asking when they'd be given their women. "I am enjoying this submarine sandwich you've prepared, but I have to ask again - when do we get our whores?"
I think if I had unlimited money, one of the things I'd do is buy a super boat and just live on it for like 15 years and go around the world. Everything that's good on Earth is near water so you'd be able to see all the best. I'd hire a personal chef and a scuba expert as well as a doctor and maybe a scientist, so when we're in the middle of the ocean we don't waste time and can do experiments because I'll have the most sophisticated equipment available. I'd also do so much fishing that I become one of the best in the world. It'll get to a point where I don't even use a rod, I just stick my arm in and use my instincts, then when I finally stop the voyage after 15 years I find it hard to re-incorporate myself into society. THAT'S THE DREAM SON.
That's it for this week you little grizzly bears. On Saturday if you're bored I'd recommend going back to one of my previous posts, printing it out and standing on the street reciting it in the spirit of the season. On Sunday do the same thing, except instead of going out, go see your family and read it because the season is about family. Light a nice big fire and roast some seasonal vegetables. MMmmmmm smell that celery. Take it out and smother it in honey... mmmmm.....the turnips are done.... ohhh yah
But first allow me to point out that known stupid Ashley Simpson and her puffy faced cream pie husband Pete Wentz named their son "Bronx Mowgli". So everything I said yesterday is true. "Bronx" is one of Disney's Gargoyles and "Mowgli" screams Pete Wentz louder than checkered scarves and eyeliner. Let me also take this opportunity to shout out my man Mark Wahlberg who sticks to normal names like Brendan, Ella and Michael. He also said he didn't want his daughter growing up in Hollywood with role models like Britney and Lindsay hanging around. I'd be 100% behind this guy if it wasn't for the fact that he makes generally bad movies and that he was once a horrible role model who got young girls thinking about penises way earlier than they should have. That's your celebrity wrap up for today, Friday June 6th, 1999. I'm your host Mark Paul Gosselar and I just want to be taken seriously as an actor. I'm still handsome if you step back and take an objective view of me. Strip away that Zack Morris bull crap. You see? My natural hair colour is chestnut!
I wore some boots yesterday and got some blisters, which are terrible little guys. The first time I got blisters I went "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEOOOWW" and the first time I got the wind knocked out of me I thought I was dying. The only other time I thought I was dying was when I ate some roast beef too fast. You know how scientists always compare under water to an alien planet? That's wicked. Think about that for a few seconds. Maybe when you die that's where you go. You turn into a dolphin. That would explain a whole lot. It would explain where you go when you die and it would explain why dolphins are so much damn fun and have sex for pleasure and not necessarily to make bay-bays. When you think about it, dolphins are heavenly creatures - they surf, they play, they frolic, they sing, they do it all the time, they do flips.
I really do wish a big scientific discovery was around the corner. Being around the Scientific Revolution would have been the best. Everyday these guys were blowing your mind and unlike before when magicians would tell you what's what, these guys could actually explain it. It's too bad that most people thought they were warlocks or Bible eaters. If only we could bring them back to life for a few days and show them how much we appreciate them:
"COPERNICUS, YOU'RE THE BEST, COPERNICUS, NOT LIKE THE REST"
"KEPLER, KEPLER HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T DO IT NEWTON CAN"
"NEWTON NEWTON SAT ON A WALL, NEWTON NEWTON GRAVITY DOLL"
"GALILEO SAVE THE DAY-O, GALILEO TRY OUR FUTURE MAYO"
Those would be the chants at the parade the world throws for them. We'd give them a future party the likes of which has never been seen. We'd feed them coke and burgers, take them for rides on jet boats and Ferraris, treat them to an IMAX film, fly around for awhile, go to a hip hop show, watch Planet Earth and just let them fiddle around on the Internet for awhile. It'd be funny if they weren't all that impressed and thought we'd be further along. Or if they thought we were all really obnoxious and rude. Or if they were all real horn dogs and couldn't stop asking when they'd be given their women. "I am enjoying this submarine sandwich you've prepared, but I have to ask again - when do we get our whores?"
I think if I had unlimited money, one of the things I'd do is buy a super boat and just live on it for like 15 years and go around the world. Everything that's good on Earth is near water so you'd be able to see all the best. I'd hire a personal chef and a scuba expert as well as a doctor and maybe a scientist, so when we're in the middle of the ocean we don't waste time and can do experiments because I'll have the most sophisticated equipment available. I'd also do so much fishing that I become one of the best in the world. It'll get to a point where I don't even use a rod, I just stick my arm in and use my instincts, then when I finally stop the voyage after 15 years I find it hard to re-incorporate myself into society. THAT'S THE DREAM SON.
That's it for this week you little grizzly bears. On Saturday if you're bored I'd recommend going back to one of my previous posts, printing it out and standing on the street reciting it in the spirit of the season. On Sunday do the same thing, except instead of going out, go see your family and read it because the season is about family. Light a nice big fire and roast some seasonal vegetables. MMmmmmm smell that celery. Take it out and smother it in honey... mmmmm.....the turnips are done.... ohhh yah
November 20, 2008
IT SNOWED AND EVERYONE HAS THE SPIRIT OF SANTA IN THEIR SOULS
Have you been on the Internet lately? You know what I don't get? People who take pictures of themselves naked or in underpants and people who make sex videos. I guess it's not really the fact that they make them in the first place, but rather the fact that they're stupid enough to make them public. Well, maybe it is that they make them in the first place. What are they planning on doing with them? Showing their friends? Am I missing something here? Do I sound like an old man? I feel like this blog is turning into a chronicle of me getting older and not understanding things. Humbug guy. I guess there's a chain of stupdity involved in this whole debate. Allow me to explain:
Step 1: The inherent stupidity of filming yourself doing it in the first place. What happens if you send your man some pictures and then you go kissing another dude? It would be the easiest revenge ever: "Oh you cheated on me? Hold on two seconds..."
"What are you doing Derrick?"
"I just emailed those nude pics of you to everyone I know. Your dad too. I put the subject as 'cool football stuff' so he'll see them for sure."
"Well played."
Step 2: If you're the type of person who films themselves having sex, you're also probably the type of person who doesn't know how to use a computer properly and has TONS of Spyware and malware and worms and black holes and mainframe security breaches because you just HAD TO download that puppy screensaver. Then some guy has access to all your stuff and when he finds you nude his mission is complete. Maybe people are even dumber than this and post pics on Flickr etc., not thinking that people can see them. Get it?
I just saw a tour bus go by and it said "Clique Girlz". According to Wikipedia "The Clique Girlz are an American girl group from Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey, comprised of sisters Paris and Destinee Monroe and their best friend Ariel Moore." I'll bet they have some nudes floating around somewhere on the Internet. Nice names. If your name is Paris or Destinee you're automatically an idiot in my mind. I will not give you the benefit of the doubt. I hate it when people name their kids something like "Dream, Destiny, Wish, Rainbow, Gift, Angel etc." ALL BABIES ARE GREAT AND PRECIOUS. 'Precious', that's another one. Remember that little girl on Leave it to Beaver named Puddin'? That was allllllllright. Your baby is special by default. No one doubts this. It's like naming your dog "Family Pet" or "Bark Master" or "Man's Best Friend". No duh. And come on man. You might as well name your kid "Boobs" if you're going to name her Paris. That name autmatically brings up images of dirty sluts and drunk idiots doing cocaine in bathrooms with their tits hanging out and their hands grasping on wieners all night. Why not try a different city, like 'Tulsa' or 'Sarasota'?
Okay, so my exposé on homemade porno wasn't the most succinct thing ever, and I got a bit side tracked thanks to the Clique Girls, but you get it right? Esentially I'm saying that those who allow their nudes to get on the Internet have to be stupid in several ways, so at the end of the day, those who are nude on the web by accident are the stuidest of them all. It actually makes porn stars look smart - at least they get paid.
You ever have those times in life when you realize something about yourself that you never realized before? I remember once in grade 9 or 10 or something my friends and I were filming ourselves doing tricks on a trampoline and when we watched it I noticed that I was an awkward beanpole. I was good at sports and everything and I could do flips, but I just looked funny doing them. From then on I had a different view of myself, which actually helped when I started doing comedy because I could exploit my awkwardness. A similar thing happened recently when I looked at my feet in the mirror. My feet are no good. It's because I had in-grown toenails a while back so now the my big toe nails are all curvy. BUT since I wear socks ALL the time I am callous free! My feet are as soft as a baby's cheeks. If I could somehow solve this nail issue and maybe shave some of the hair off, I could be the best nude foot model this side of the Atlantic! I'll need a stage name....'Doug Windsor', regal, yet rustic. You like?
More complaining:
I'm getting pretty sick of the families on TLC. Jon and Kate have gone Hollywood and now their kids are way spoiled. The Roloffs are jerks and complain about money although they star in a national TV show, own a giant farm and were apparently very wealthy BEFORE the show because that dickhead dad of theirs made millions on software deals.
I got a lot off my chest today. Thank you for listening. If you disagree with any of the above then please contact my manager, Gorb Trunt. He'll be at the Eaton Centre from 5-7 this evening. I'm also sorry if you know anyone who has a name that I berated today. Again, talk to Gorb if you have any issues. He'll probably be in the food court eating a Teen Burger from A&W. I don't like those burgers. Too much mustard.
Step 1: The inherent stupidity of filming yourself doing it in the first place. What happens if you send your man some pictures and then you go kissing another dude? It would be the easiest revenge ever: "Oh you cheated on me? Hold on two seconds..."
"What are you doing Derrick?"
"I just emailed those nude pics of you to everyone I know. Your dad too. I put the subject as 'cool football stuff' so he'll see them for sure."
"Well played."
Step 2: If you're the type of person who films themselves having sex, you're also probably the type of person who doesn't know how to use a computer properly and has TONS of Spyware and malware and worms and black holes and mainframe security breaches because you just HAD TO download that puppy screensaver. Then some guy has access to all your stuff and when he finds you nude his mission is complete. Maybe people are even dumber than this and post pics on Flickr etc., not thinking that people can see them. Get it?
I just saw a tour bus go by and it said "Clique Girlz". According to Wikipedia "The Clique Girlz are an American girl group from Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey, comprised of sisters Paris and Destinee Monroe and their best friend Ariel Moore." I'll bet they have some nudes floating around somewhere on the Internet. Nice names. If your name is Paris or Destinee you're automatically an idiot in my mind. I will not give you the benefit of the doubt. I hate it when people name their kids something like "Dream, Destiny, Wish, Rainbow, Gift, Angel etc." ALL BABIES ARE GREAT AND PRECIOUS. 'Precious', that's another one. Remember that little girl on Leave it to Beaver named Puddin'? That was allllllllright. Your baby is special by default. No one doubts this. It's like naming your dog "Family Pet" or "Bark Master" or "Man's Best Friend". No duh. And come on man. You might as well name your kid "Boobs" if you're going to name her Paris. That name autmatically brings up images of dirty sluts and drunk idiots doing cocaine in bathrooms with their tits hanging out and their hands grasping on wieners all night. Why not try a different city, like 'Tulsa' or 'Sarasota'?
Okay, so my exposé on homemade porno wasn't the most succinct thing ever, and I got a bit side tracked thanks to the Clique Girls, but you get it right? Esentially I'm saying that those who allow their nudes to get on the Internet have to be stupid in several ways, so at the end of the day, those who are nude on the web by accident are the stuidest of them all. It actually makes porn stars look smart - at least they get paid.
You ever have those times in life when you realize something about yourself that you never realized before? I remember once in grade 9 or 10 or something my friends and I were filming ourselves doing tricks on a trampoline and when we watched it I noticed that I was an awkward beanpole. I was good at sports and everything and I could do flips, but I just looked funny doing them. From then on I had a different view of myself, which actually helped when I started doing comedy because I could exploit my awkwardness. A similar thing happened recently when I looked at my feet in the mirror. My feet are no good. It's because I had in-grown toenails a while back so now the my big toe nails are all curvy. BUT since I wear socks ALL the time I am callous free! My feet are as soft as a baby's cheeks. If I could somehow solve this nail issue and maybe shave some of the hair off, I could be the best nude foot model this side of the Atlantic! I'll need a stage name....'Doug Windsor', regal, yet rustic. You like?
More complaining:
I'm getting pretty sick of the families on TLC. Jon and Kate have gone Hollywood and now their kids are way spoiled. The Roloffs are jerks and complain about money although they star in a national TV show, own a giant farm and were apparently very wealthy BEFORE the show because that dickhead dad of theirs made millions on software deals.
I got a lot off my chest today. Thank you for listening. If you disagree with any of the above then please contact my manager, Gorb Trunt. He'll be at the Eaton Centre from 5-7 this evening. I'm also sorry if you know anyone who has a name that I berated today. Again, talk to Gorb if you have any issues. He'll probably be in the food court eating a Teen Burger from A&W. I don't like those burgers. Too much mustard.
November 19, 2008
2 PARTS WATER, 3 PARTS HORSE
I had a dream last night that I was appointed head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was one of those where I was really excited but then it dawned on me that I had no business being there and that I'd never coached a game in my life. I even had trouble remembering who was on the team. I had a similar dream once when I somehow got into the Beastie Boys. Why would they hire me?
Let's discuss this for a second. What would my actual dream job be? I'm more or less a traditionalist, so rock star and king are definitely up there. I've thought more and more about becoming a beach bum, but for that lifestyle I'd need to learn some patience and maybe get a dirty old dog - two things I'm not entirely down with. Patience is important because you need to be able to lie on the beach for hours on end. I can usually last an hour tops doing that but then I get restless and want a burger, because California has some really good burgers and that's the place whose beach bum culture I enjoy the most. Florida's is too old and everywhere else is too European. I need a beach where people go because they skip school or work because they want to surf surf instead of going because they just worked out and want to see what people think or their arms, legs, tits or butts. A beach guy needs a dirty old dog just because. Don't question it. Why do ballplayers chew tobacco? Who knows? Why do homeboys carry towels around? Who knows? Why do hippies like tie dyed shirts? Because they look totally groovy man.
Despite the nip of Jack Frost's icicle claws on my damn face, I'm still riding my bike to work and around town. There's really only one reason for this: I'm cheap. I figure I can endure a little cold and save the $2.75 each way. I'd be more down with transit if we had a zone system as it doesn't make sense for me to pay the same amount as someone coming from Kipling when I live down the street. Plus, it means I can save money to buy some kicking new threads: New snowboard jacket, Timberland boots, sheepskin mitts, FUBU hat (?) Is that stuff still around?
Some guy just called me and was like "This is Jeff from the Toronto Blue Jays" and for a second I thought my dreams were about to come true. But instead of saying "We'd like you to be our manager this season" he said, "How did you enjoy your '08 Season Pass?" I told him I liked it but didn't want to commit to renewing at this juncture. Are crank calls still in? Back in my teenage days it was so much easier because only millionaires had call display. They had call display, the internet, a laser disc player, and one of those big TVs that take up the entire room.
I don't know guys, my heart's not in it today. I kept trying to think of some silly anecdotes but none came to mind. I really wanted to explore my cheapness some more but I would've came off sounding like either a miser or some guy who says things like "I don't fund large corporations man, fight the system yeah". I must be somewhere in between those two. I want a burrito so bad right now. Cheese, guacamole, chicken, sauces, ingredios. Oh baby. First one to bring me a burrito will win a 2008 Blue Jays Season Pass, autographed by me, a pair of cool gloves with the fingers cut off and a Snapple. The second person to bring me a burrito will win 20 dollars and the hardiest handshake you've ever seen.
Let's discuss this for a second. What would my actual dream job be? I'm more or less a traditionalist, so rock star and king are definitely up there. I've thought more and more about becoming a beach bum, but for that lifestyle I'd need to learn some patience and maybe get a dirty old dog - two things I'm not entirely down with. Patience is important because you need to be able to lie on the beach for hours on end. I can usually last an hour tops doing that but then I get restless and want a burger, because California has some really good burgers and that's the place whose beach bum culture I enjoy the most. Florida's is too old and everywhere else is too European. I need a beach where people go because they skip school or work because they want to surf surf instead of going because they just worked out and want to see what people think or their arms, legs, tits or butts. A beach guy needs a dirty old dog just because. Don't question it. Why do ballplayers chew tobacco? Who knows? Why do homeboys carry towels around? Who knows? Why do hippies like tie dyed shirts? Because they look totally groovy man.
Despite the nip of Jack Frost's icicle claws on my damn face, I'm still riding my bike to work and around town. There's really only one reason for this: I'm cheap. I figure I can endure a little cold and save the $2.75 each way. I'd be more down with transit if we had a zone system as it doesn't make sense for me to pay the same amount as someone coming from Kipling when I live down the street. Plus, it means I can save money to buy some kicking new threads: New snowboard jacket, Timberland boots, sheepskin mitts, FUBU hat (?) Is that stuff still around?
Some guy just called me and was like "This is Jeff from the Toronto Blue Jays" and for a second I thought my dreams were about to come true. But instead of saying "We'd like you to be our manager this season" he said, "How did you enjoy your '08 Season Pass?" I told him I liked it but didn't want to commit to renewing at this juncture. Are crank calls still in? Back in my teenage days it was so much easier because only millionaires had call display. They had call display, the internet, a laser disc player, and one of those big TVs that take up the entire room.
I don't know guys, my heart's not in it today. I kept trying to think of some silly anecdotes but none came to mind. I really wanted to explore my cheapness some more but I would've came off sounding like either a miser or some guy who says things like "I don't fund large corporations man, fight the system yeah". I must be somewhere in between those two. I want a burrito so bad right now. Cheese, guacamole, chicken, sauces, ingredios. Oh baby. First one to bring me a burrito will win a 2008 Blue Jays Season Pass, autographed by me, a pair of cool gloves with the fingers cut off and a Snapple. The second person to bring me a burrito will win 20 dollars and the hardiest handshake you've ever seen.
November 18, 2008
DULL THOSE KNIVES AND MAKE THEM SAFE
Notice how there's been two Tara Reid references in the last two posts? What does this mean for you, the reader? It means that maybe, just maybe, this blog is slowly turning into a gossip haven, where overly obsessed bozos perpetuate a pop culture of voyeurism, excess, superficiality and general stupidity. Maybe, just maybe...
Last night in Hollywood Josh Hartnett was spotted hanging out and smoking. What kind of cigarettes? THE BAD KIND.
Last night in New York City Owen Wilson rode a bike around and bought a baguette. For what? DINNER.
Last night in London Amy Winehouse looked like a bag of shit and got her mail. What kind of mail? DRUG MAIL.
Last night in Italy George Clooney tried to party on a boat but there were too many photographers to have a good time. What kind of a good time? THE BABE AND MONEY KIND.
That's your entertainment update for today. I think I've got it out of my system for now, but stay tuned all this week because I've got roving reporters in all the major celebrity centres and even one in Calgary just in case someone shows up. Let's check in on him:
"Guys I'm sitting here on a milk crate at the Calgary airport waiting for something to happen. I heard a rumour that some the Calgary Stampeders might be coming through this afternoon en route to the Grey Cup in Montreal, but who knows? More on this later."
That's my friend Sclark Thoms who is so poor that he agreed to do this job for me for 2 cans of ravioli and this old hat of mine that he likes.
Just kidding, I don't know anyone by that name. But once when I was watching "Pimp My Ride" and the guy who's ride was pimped had these two friends named "Flint" and "Sclark". No joke guy. If they gave fake names it's funny and if that's their real names it's also funny. Either way, the public wins big time.
What's in the news? How about that new proposed legislation restricting the rights of young drivers in Ontario. I'm all for it, except the part that says Drivers between 16 and 19 will be limited to having only one teenage passenger in the vehicle. That sucks so bad man. The whole point of getting your license is to drive your friends around. And what if a teen is at a party and has to drive all his/her drunk friends home? What are they going to do, just leave them there or let them drive home drunk? Teen aged drivers can be really stupid, but I think that's going a bit far. You might as well say they only drive between the hours of 8 am and 4 pm and they can't leave the vehicle at any time. The thing that really bothers me is that a lot of this was started by the father of one of the teens who was killed in the summer in Muskoka, remember? I don't think the graduated licensing system is to blame but more so the parents. He was driving a damn Audi and was partying with his friends. How about you don't let the guy drive a high performance vehicle and let him loose in summer party central and maybe teach him not to drink and drive. This is getting too political. Let's check in on my fake friend Sclark:
"Still nothing here guys. I found a toonie on the ground and I'm thinking of buying some gummi bears. I am really hungry right now folks. Ten minutes ago I thought I saw that wrestler "Edge" but it turned out to be just a really big guy. I asked for his autograph just in case and he told me to scram. Bye!"
Great stuff Sclark, thanks a lot. It's only 2:5o pm and I'm starving. I generally don't eat again until 5 pm. What do I do? Maybe I'll go buy a great bag of chips. Just a real crunchy old bag of damn chips, seasoned to perfection.
Last night in Hollywood Josh Hartnett was spotted hanging out and smoking. What kind of cigarettes? THE BAD KIND.
Last night in New York City Owen Wilson rode a bike around and bought a baguette. For what? DINNER.
Last night in London Amy Winehouse looked like a bag of shit and got her mail. What kind of mail? DRUG MAIL.
Last night in Italy George Clooney tried to party on a boat but there were too many photographers to have a good time. What kind of a good time? THE BABE AND MONEY KIND.
That's your entertainment update for today. I think I've got it out of my system for now, but stay tuned all this week because I've got roving reporters in all the major celebrity centres and even one in Calgary just in case someone shows up. Let's check in on him:
"Guys I'm sitting here on a milk crate at the Calgary airport waiting for something to happen. I heard a rumour that some the Calgary Stampeders might be coming through this afternoon en route to the Grey Cup in Montreal, but who knows? More on this later."
That's my friend Sclark Thoms who is so poor that he agreed to do this job for me for 2 cans of ravioli and this old hat of mine that he likes.
Just kidding, I don't know anyone by that name. But once when I was watching "Pimp My Ride" and the guy who's ride was pimped had these two friends named "Flint" and "Sclark". No joke guy. If they gave fake names it's funny and if that's their real names it's also funny. Either way, the public wins big time.
What's in the news? How about that new proposed legislation restricting the rights of young drivers in Ontario. I'm all for it, except the part that says Drivers between 16 and 19 will be limited to having only one teenage passenger in the vehicle. That sucks so bad man. The whole point of getting your license is to drive your friends around. And what if a teen is at a party and has to drive all his/her drunk friends home? What are they going to do, just leave them there or let them drive home drunk? Teen aged drivers can be really stupid, but I think that's going a bit far. You might as well say they only drive between the hours of 8 am and 4 pm and they can't leave the vehicle at any time. The thing that really bothers me is that a lot of this was started by the father of one of the teens who was killed in the summer in Muskoka, remember? I don't think the graduated licensing system is to blame but more so the parents. He was driving a damn Audi and was partying with his friends. How about you don't let the guy drive a high performance vehicle and let him loose in summer party central and maybe teach him not to drink and drive. This is getting too political. Let's check in on my fake friend Sclark:
"Still nothing here guys. I found a toonie on the ground and I'm thinking of buying some gummi bears. I am really hungry right now folks. Ten minutes ago I thought I saw that wrestler "Edge" but it turned out to be just a really big guy. I asked for his autograph just in case and he told me to scram. Bye!"
Great stuff Sclark, thanks a lot. It's only 2:5o pm and I'm starving. I generally don't eat again until 5 pm. What do I do? Maybe I'll go buy a great bag of chips. Just a real crunchy old bag of damn chips, seasoned to perfection.
November 17, 2008
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PROCESS OF DRY CLEANING
This weekend was one of contrasts. Despite the God-seems-mad-at-us weather, I had a great little Saturday of eating a California Sandwich and practicing for the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival. Wence night fell, we hosted a jamjam at our house to generally rave reviews.
Pure passion for parties.
Later on Elton John stopped by to tickle those ivories. No one paid attention though.
The cops showed up at 6am and demanded everyone's passports. They requested some Public Enemy then left.
Pete Wardopolus of the San Francisco Chronicle said, "Despite the lack of snacks, I had a great time overall. The guests were fun but well-behaved and the atmosphere was akin to that of a Super Bowl Game combined with a really good dog show, the kind where they do tricks."
Myself and my fake hip hop group, "Tha So Clar Crew" were the DJs and we tried to create an epic dance party much like the one we had a few months ago at our old house. Throughout the night we learned that when you have a bunch of girls who want to dance you have to play songs they know, even if the ones that you want to play that they don't know are real funky bum bum shakers. They'll stop dancing and look like they want to go home. I tried to sneak in a GWAR tune during one of the lulls and I was instantly berated by some female party goers. Once we figured this out the room started smoking and people were having sex in every nook and cranny of our apartment. Actually, no one had sex, but when you're a DJ you have to make people think that way and think that way they might have. I saw one guy licking his lips all through James Brown's "Cold Sweat".
Pure passion for parties.
Later on Elton John stopped by to tickle those ivories. No one paid attention though.
The cops showed up at 6am and demanded everyone's passports. They requested some Public Enemy then left.I don't know how many brews I drank, but in any case I had a hangover of epic proportions the next day. I threw up some bile, had a headache and make several bathroom stops before lying down on the couch for most of the day. The worst part was that I was scheduled to perform that night on my favourite comedy show. After a nap and an apple I got a bit better and made a couple of people laugh I think.
See? Contrasts. Saturday was great and Sunday wasn't so great. Directly proportional. There's math in there somewhere. HUMAN MATH. I'm sorry for being so specific about the bile and pooing and everything earlier, but I I really wanted you, the reader, to feel that hangover. I was going to see the new Bond movie on Sunday with the old man and the younger brother, but the old man had a lazy Sunday of his own because he had just finished jury duty in an epic murder trial. You heard of that one in Brampton where the deaf guy got stabbed at the party? Oh man. Rough business. I think he was shaken up by the whole thing because for one thing he helped decided some teenager's fate and secondly because it was kind of gruesome and the jurors had to hear and see some pretty heavy stuff. This is getting too serious again. Let's turn it down a little:
I was talking jury duty and how to get out of it to with a friend of mine and he mentioned that Iggy Pop got out of the army because he made sure he had a boner when they were inspecting or something. Boners can probably get you out of anything because no one save the horniest girl in the world, or the horniest homosexual dude in the world wants to be around a boner all the time. Everyone knows that men are horn dogs all the time, but a boner is the clearest sign. If you see someone with a boner you instantly know what they're thinking. Well, actually they may be thinking one of two things:
Either:
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah"
or
"Ohhhhhh man I gotta hide this thing, oh geez."
Usually the first thoughts belong to crazy guys and the second to normal guys with bad luck. I remember sometime in the puberty days someone was talking about nipples and how it's like the boner for girls and I thought they were kidding. I think it actually blew my mind. Good thing nipples aren't the exact same thing as boners. If men got boners when it's cold outside we'd have a lot of explaining to do during those winter months. Life would be different. Your dad would come inside after shoveling the driveway and said stuff like "Damn, it is boner cold outside. Check it." and he points to his wiener.
Imagine you're at the Santa Claus Parade and the guy who's Santa got one? That'd be a bad thing man. If you were that guy and you hated your boss, that would be a great way to get him back. I remember going to the parade as a kid and after it was over all I could think about was toys and my mom had to keep reminding me that Christmas was still over a month away.
I realize that the last few paragraphs here were fairly immature, but maybe the problem is that you don't talk openly about human anatomy as much as you should. Also, I had to balance out the jury duty mention and the hangover specifics, and what better way than with a solid boner analysis with nipple acknowledgements?
Did you like this one? It was all over the place, just like real life, so I guess in that regard I succeeded. There were a few incomplete thoughts though. I should've expanded on both the Santa Claus Parade and Sunday evening around the time of the comedy show. I've also considered adding a recipe to each post, but my market research hasn't arrived yet so until I get that data I'm playing it safe. When I wrote for my University's paper I did this drink recipe thing but I don't think they liked it because I chose one purely based on its name and not its flavour. I remember you were supposed to add an egg to it. EEWWWW
November 14, 2008
NOSE NOOSE NOSE NOOSE
I saw the film "Role Models" yesterday starring McLovin, Stiffler, Paul Rudd and a smart mouthed kid who was on The Tracy Morgan Show I think. I'd give it two bagels with garlic cream cheese out of 4 english muffins with jam. I'd recommend waiting until it comes out on home video because it wasn't thirteen dollars good, but there were some really good laughs and some top notch KISS references. The story was a bit weak but the jokes and performances grabbed my ear and kissed my eyes and I was especially surprised by Stiffler who I thought really stole the show. People forget that he was funny in American Pie. But then they gave us so many more pies that we were full of pie and wanted to barf Stiffler and that nerd who bangs moms all over the place.
That cast really went nowhere didn't it? Jason Biggs is the type of actor that if I made my own movie, I could probably get him to be in it. Natasha Lyonne might be dead, and if she's not she's damn close to it. Tara Reid decided that she was a hot slut and not a kind of cute, sort of talented actress, so she put some balloons in her chest and now she can't get a job save hosting Gino parties in cities like Duluth. I haven't seen that dweeb or Henry Rowengartner for awhile so that's that and Elizabeth whoever (the one that gets totally nakes) is off the radar as well. STIFFLER WINS. And Buffy's friend the red head who's on How I Met Your Mother. She wins too. Did I already talk about the cast of American Pie at some point? Maybe I saw it on Entertainment Tonight. Mary Hart was VERY concerned about the cast of American Pie.
I don't like going to the theatre at 10:00 on weeknights. You usually get a bunch of moronic twenty-somethings that laugh way too long and don't hesitate to repeat jokes OUT LOUD right after they happen. I witnessed this phenomenon when I saw Step Brothers as well. Too bad I'm a non-confrontational wiener, or I might've just said something, but that usually makes matters worse. That's what I assume leads to the stabbings of today. And that's why I don't ever mess with teenagers, because they have knives and they don't seem to know that knives can kill you and if utilized they'll have an awful life filled with jail and guilt. Before they stab someone they must all picture is a slutty girl kissing them after it's done. Take that Mayor David Miller. You should deliver a speech like this:
"Youth of Toronto: Before you stab someone I just want to tell you probably won't have sex if you go through with it. Walk away and you're more likely to have sex. Girls like passivity. Don't be stupid. Jail sucks bad. Trust me, I visited one once. The food isn't that bad though. Sometimes they give you KFC."
Problem solved! Crime vanquished!
The weekend I'm going to be receiving a strong dose of partying down with an injection of relaxation combined with a an IV bag filled with jokes. I'm going to be at the Loner Show at the Rivoli on Sunday doing a bit as a guy from the film business. He's a bit crazy! The strange thing about doing comedy by yourself is that you don't have anyone to tell you if it's funny beforehand. When you get up there you can usually tell right off the top whether it's going to work or not and if it isn't working you just plough through and maybe throw in some pop culture references that everyone likes. INSIDER INFO. For more on comedy, please check out my instruction VHS tape called "Winning the Room - An insider's guide to live comedy":
That wasn't it, but maybe you can use that information anyway.
That cast really went nowhere didn't it? Jason Biggs is the type of actor that if I made my own movie, I could probably get him to be in it. Natasha Lyonne might be dead, and if she's not she's damn close to it. Tara Reid decided that she was a hot slut and not a kind of cute, sort of talented actress, so she put some balloons in her chest and now she can't get a job save hosting Gino parties in cities like Duluth. I haven't seen that dweeb or Henry Rowengartner for awhile so that's that and Elizabeth whoever (the one that gets totally nakes) is off the radar as well. STIFFLER WINS. And Buffy's friend the red head who's on How I Met Your Mother. She wins too. Did I already talk about the cast of American Pie at some point? Maybe I saw it on Entertainment Tonight. Mary Hart was VERY concerned about the cast of American Pie.
I don't like going to the theatre at 10:00 on weeknights. You usually get a bunch of moronic twenty-somethings that laugh way too long and don't hesitate to repeat jokes OUT LOUD right after they happen. I witnessed this phenomenon when I saw Step Brothers as well. Too bad I'm a non-confrontational wiener, or I might've just said something, but that usually makes matters worse. That's what I assume leads to the stabbings of today. And that's why I don't ever mess with teenagers, because they have knives and they don't seem to know that knives can kill you and if utilized they'll have an awful life filled with jail and guilt. Before they stab someone they must all picture is a slutty girl kissing them after it's done. Take that Mayor David Miller. You should deliver a speech like this:
"Youth of Toronto: Before you stab someone I just want to tell you probably won't have sex if you go through with it. Walk away and you're more likely to have sex. Girls like passivity. Don't be stupid. Jail sucks bad. Trust me, I visited one once. The food isn't that bad though. Sometimes they give you KFC."
Problem solved! Crime vanquished!
The weekend I'm going to be receiving a strong dose of partying down with an injection of relaxation combined with a an IV bag filled with jokes. I'm going to be at the Loner Show at the Rivoli on Sunday doing a bit as a guy from the film business. He's a bit crazy! The strange thing about doing comedy by yourself is that you don't have anyone to tell you if it's funny beforehand. When you get up there you can usually tell right off the top whether it's going to work or not and if it isn't working you just plough through and maybe throw in some pop culture references that everyone likes. INSIDER INFO. For more on comedy, please check out my instruction VHS tape called "Winning the Room - An insider's guide to live comedy":
That wasn't it, but maybe you can use that information anyway.
November 13, 2008
THE TREES ARE SHEDDING AND THE DOGS AREN'T
Today I'd like to welcome special guest contributor, a weird old man named Gargamel who I met on a plane in 2003.
Hello readers! I'm Gargamel. I'd really like to thank Glenn for allowing me to compose today. I don't get a lot of writing done in my cabin because I'm a scientist who is married to his work.
Speaking of which, I'm not married. My cabin is in an isolated valley somewhere in a small European nation. The only time I get to see girls is when I trek into town for seasonal supplies and the odd treat (gingerbread, candy sticks, raspberry cordial). I spoil myself with a whore at every crescent moon, but at the end of the day I'm looking for love. That's why I'm so pissed off all the time.
I'm strongly considering moving to North America to re-invent myself and find happiness the way the people in the town have. I see them laughing and drinking mead whenever I go and I try to talk to them and make friends but it just doesn't work. They ignore me. Is it my robes? My hook nose? I smell like cats and vinegar, so maybe that's why. I heard a young boy talk about New York City last time I was there and it really got me thinking. He said "Guy, Brooklyn is the place to be now. No one parties in Manhattan anymore. Have you heard the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs? LAAME." I think I'll buy a new hat and some leather boots and move to Brooklyn.
I can probably find a job in a lab somewhere in the city, and if that doesn't work I can sell my homemade ragu sauces on the street. I have quite a few coins saved up so I don't think money will be a problem (at least not right away!). I like that New York is an artistic city, because contrary to popular belief, I'm no philistine. I collect precious stones and write the odd folk song about my work and my yearning for love on my lute, which I am planning to record one day if I get the chance. I need a drummer though.
In conclusion, I'd just like to set the record straight. I'm not that weird. I have some strange habits and bizarre obsessions, but who doesn't? I once knew a guy who was so weird that he ate his own hair. I'm not one to judge, but come on, I'm better than him. Anyone want a cat? I got this cat named Azrael who's going to be a real pain in the ass if I move. Free of charge.
Geeeeez. Sorry about that. I really thought he was going to tell a story. His stories are actually pretty good. No wonder no one likes him. COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN.
Did anyone see Top Chef last night where they were fighting about what a vinaigrette is? Watch that damn show and come back to the comments section and we'll discuss in an immature kind of way. Like we'll talk about hottest girl, gayest guy etc.
Hello readers! I'm Gargamel. I'd really like to thank Glenn for allowing me to compose today. I don't get a lot of writing done in my cabin because I'm a scientist who is married to his work.
Speaking of which, I'm not married. My cabin is in an isolated valley somewhere in a small European nation. The only time I get to see girls is when I trek into town for seasonal supplies and the odd treat (gingerbread, candy sticks, raspberry cordial). I spoil myself with a whore at every crescent moon, but at the end of the day I'm looking for love. That's why I'm so pissed off all the time.
I'm strongly considering moving to North America to re-invent myself and find happiness the way the people in the town have. I see them laughing and drinking mead whenever I go and I try to talk to them and make friends but it just doesn't work. They ignore me. Is it my robes? My hook nose? I smell like cats and vinegar, so maybe that's why. I heard a young boy talk about New York City last time I was there and it really got me thinking. He said "Guy, Brooklyn is the place to be now. No one parties in Manhattan anymore. Have you heard the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs? LAAME." I think I'll buy a new hat and some leather boots and move to Brooklyn.
I can probably find a job in a lab somewhere in the city, and if that doesn't work I can sell my homemade ragu sauces on the street. I have quite a few coins saved up so I don't think money will be a problem (at least not right away!). I like that New York is an artistic city, because contrary to popular belief, I'm no philistine. I collect precious stones and write the odd folk song about my work and my yearning for love on my lute, which I am planning to record one day if I get the chance. I need a drummer though.
In conclusion, I'd just like to set the record straight. I'm not that weird. I have some strange habits and bizarre obsessions, but who doesn't? I once knew a guy who was so weird that he ate his own hair. I'm not one to judge, but come on, I'm better than him. Anyone want a cat? I got this cat named Azrael who's going to be a real pain in the ass if I move. Free of charge.
Geeeeez. Sorry about that. I really thought he was going to tell a story. His stories are actually pretty good. No wonder no one likes him. COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN.
Did anyone see Top Chef last night where they were fighting about what a vinaigrette is? Watch that damn show and come back to the comments section and we'll discuss in an immature kind of way. Like we'll talk about hottest girl, gayest guy etc.
November 12, 2008
ASK A FORTUNE TELLER WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO TOMORROW
It's not secret that the culture of today is very much a product of cultures of the past. With all the movie remakes and retro jerseys floating around, we've picked all the best parts of past generations and made a stew that tastes pretty good. Obviously this will change at some point because as humans we hate being the same for more than a decade or so, which begs the question, "What's next?". I think it's going to be crazy! Think about it. When culture goes stale and becomes saturated, trend-setters rebel because they're mad that everyone copied them and that their style of jeans can be bought at Sears no problem. So if our culture now is totally un-original, the next will be ORIGINAL. It might be like the eighties only with better computers. I think technology is going to play a big big part. Duh. Did that make sense? Cultural studies 101 guy. Here are some broad predictions:
1) Clothes will get baggy again
Right now, trendy clothes can't get much tighter, which is good for butt lovers but bad for people with bad butts but wear tighties anyway because I guess they think people love their butt. Girls wear tights as pants and I've seen men wear jeans that are so tight that you can see their skin. BANG. So that means that eventually, and I'm not sure how long, clothes will get baggy again. Maybe not early 90's baggy, but baggier than now. I hear wide leg pants are back for girls. I've also heard that parachute pants have made a comeback in some of the western states, but in rock n roll, not dance friendly hip hop. I made that one up. Those things will come back eventually I bet, but not for another century probably.
2) Clothes will mellow out
Hopefully this will spell the end of a trend I hate so much that I feel like squeezing my eyeballs just thinking about it. My dad once had his eyeball popped out. Medical purposes. Anyway, you know those hoodies that have dumb, colourful patterns on them that teens wear? Those are on their way out. Once a trend reaches teens, it's over. No one my age wants to wear it anymore. Same with hairdos. You don't see many people over 20 with a Zac Efron, but teens can't get enough. The style goes well with zits. So anyway, clothes might mellow out a bit. Bland colours (the kind I like) will emerge: Browns, forest greens, grays, royal blues, blacks and maroons will be the colours of the future. Bright is almost over I think.
3) I'm tired of talking about clothes
I guess it's kind of strange that as the modern age ages, we've sort of run out of ideas. That means it's probably time to start thinking more about space, which truly is the final frontier. I've always said that the only reason I fear death is because I don't want to miss out on things like flying cars and flying boats. Lately that's changed a bit. Being an old man is probably going to be really shitty and dying is going to be brutal, especially if on my death bed I'm like, "Ah geez, I should've done more stuff." That's the ulitmate bummer. Hands down. That or being tortured I guess. I don't know! Sorry. This is getting too dark. This blog is more about sunshine and ponytails, so I appologize.
4) House Raffle
Did you guys hear about that guy in Michigan who couldn't sell his house so he decided to raffle it off instead? He's selling 2500 tickets at $100 dollars each, so he'll make a bunch of cash, get rid of his house and some lucky person will win a house for $100. WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINW. This is clearly the wave of the future. My friend Andy and I tried to think of a negative to this and we couldn't. Everyone should do this. In the future economics will be guided by raffles. Raffles is a funny name for a pet, but a really bad name for a human child.
Okay I'm outta here. You can find me at the arcade by Terminator 2 pinball. I'll be wearing the Macaulay tartan.
1) Clothes will get baggy again
Right now, trendy clothes can't get much tighter, which is good for butt lovers but bad for people with bad butts but wear tighties anyway because I guess they think people love their butt. Girls wear tights as pants and I've seen men wear jeans that are so tight that you can see their skin. BANG. So that means that eventually, and I'm not sure how long, clothes will get baggy again. Maybe not early 90's baggy, but baggier than now. I hear wide leg pants are back for girls. I've also heard that parachute pants have made a comeback in some of the western states, but in rock n roll, not dance friendly hip hop. I made that one up. Those things will come back eventually I bet, but not for another century probably.
2) Clothes will mellow out
Hopefully this will spell the end of a trend I hate so much that I feel like squeezing my eyeballs just thinking about it. My dad once had his eyeball popped out. Medical purposes. Anyway, you know those hoodies that have dumb, colourful patterns on them that teens wear? Those are on their way out. Once a trend reaches teens, it's over. No one my age wants to wear it anymore. Same with hairdos. You don't see many people over 20 with a Zac Efron, but teens can't get enough. The style goes well with zits. So anyway, clothes might mellow out a bit. Bland colours (the kind I like) will emerge: Browns, forest greens, grays, royal blues, blacks and maroons will be the colours of the future. Bright is almost over I think.
3) I'm tired of talking about clothes
I guess it's kind of strange that as the modern age ages, we've sort of run out of ideas. That means it's probably time to start thinking more about space, which truly is the final frontier. I've always said that the only reason I fear death is because I don't want to miss out on things like flying cars and flying boats. Lately that's changed a bit. Being an old man is probably going to be really shitty and dying is going to be brutal, especially if on my death bed I'm like, "Ah geez, I should've done more stuff." That's the ulitmate bummer. Hands down. That or being tortured I guess. I don't know! Sorry. This is getting too dark. This blog is more about sunshine and ponytails, so I appologize.
4) House Raffle
Did you guys hear about that guy in Michigan who couldn't sell his house so he decided to raffle it off instead? He's selling 2500 tickets at $100 dollars each, so he'll make a bunch of cash, get rid of his house and some lucky person will win a house for $100. WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINW. This is clearly the wave of the future. My friend Andy and I tried to think of a negative to this and we couldn't. Everyone should do this. In the future economics will be guided by raffles. Raffles is a funny name for a pet, but a really bad name for a human child.
Okay I'm outta here. You can find me at the arcade by Terminator 2 pinball. I'll be wearing the Macaulay tartan.
November 11, 2008
TID BITS, RIBBITS, SCIENCES, STUFF YOU WILL EXPLODE WITH
Despite my cocky exterior, I'm a fairly self-conscious human. I strive to exude confident modesty with a smile on my face at all times. I don't want people thinking I'm a dick face. Sometimes when I trim my fingernails I'll miss one by accident, and yesterday I noticed that I missed my right pinky, so I automatically assume that if people see this they'll think I like cocaine. Nothing could be further from the truth as cocaine is as foreign to me as food from Guyana. Or like, Wales. A similar thing happened in grade 10 when I had this cool Zig Zag rolling papers t-shirt that I wore because I liked the design, and not the culture. I wore it to my friend's birthday party and when I saw his parents I looked down and was scared that they'd think I'm a bad dude, which of course I wasn't. I must have worn it to make the girls think I was a bad boy. That's tough business, trying to act tough around girls but at the same time looking kind around parents. Did I pull it off? YEAH. I'm in with the ladies and I have a good relationship with my friend's parents.
That's the happiest story you'll hear all day unless you attend a Remembrance Day assembly and a veteran gives you hope and peace. Or maybe it'll be sad. Where are all the poppies at today? I saw like seven total. I was buying bananas on Queen St. and I only saw approximately three. It's probably because no one knows how to pin them on properly. My man Steenberg suggested they move to a magnet system. Magnets are somethin' else man. Think about it for a second.........force fields exist right? Let's go deeper into the mystery and wonder of science:
First off, think about the sun and the moon for a second. We take those beauties for granted. Check them out man! You know what's crazy? Whisk yourself back in time before science but after we were ape men, so like Mesopotamia I guess. What did those guys think the sun and moon were? They must have thought it was total magic. I guess they probably thought it was God's eyes or you know, like, uh Zeus' reproductive organs. No matter what you thought it didn't matter because you could say the craziest thing about the sun or moon and no one could tell you that you were wrong because every idea was fair game. Just check this out man.
Those names are totally rude. I like Phobos and Oberon. The one called 'Puck' is really stupid. You have a chance to name a moon or a planet and you call it 'Puck'? Why not fulfil our fantasies and call it "Gravitron" or "Omnitechcron" or anything that ends in "cron". Scientists shouldn't be funny or cute when naming these things. All they should be thinking is, "What would Issac Asimov call it?" or even George Lucas for that matter.
Today we've learned that humans should think moon more often. I think it's kind of crazy how men haven't mooned since the seventies, because you always hear things like "Today's personal computers are more powerful than all the Apollo missions combined" right? So why aren't we flying to the moon all the damn time?? Probably $$$$$$$$, but seriously, wouldn't it be totally easy now? Look how much has changed. WE'VE MADE ROBOTS MAN. The fact that there's nothing really all that good on the moon is also an issue I'm sure. The only reason they went in the first place was for the U.S. to show the Soviets how big their science dicks were. Ain't no water or corn on the moon, so why bother? I hope you can see that awesome picture up there. It's probably too big.
Tonight when you're knitting or putting the finishing touches on this week's pudding, imagine the moon as our idiot ancestors did and you'll stop taking it for granted. I did and I'm a happier person. But you don't have to do what I tell you. You can do whatever you want to do. Dream big, wish hard, smile all the time. For CBC Newsworld, I'm a boring guy that old people watch.
That's the happiest story you'll hear all day unless you attend a Remembrance Day assembly and a veteran gives you hope and peace. Or maybe it'll be sad. Where are all the poppies at today? I saw like seven total. I was buying bananas on Queen St. and I only saw approximately three. It's probably because no one knows how to pin them on properly. My man Steenberg suggested they move to a magnet system. Magnets are somethin' else man. Think about it for a second.........force fields exist right? Let's go deeper into the mystery and wonder of science:
First off, think about the sun and the moon for a second. We take those beauties for granted. Check them out man! You know what's crazy? Whisk yourself back in time before science but after we were ape men, so like Mesopotamia I guess. What did those guys think the sun and moon were? They must have thought it was total magic. I guess they probably thought it was God's eyes or you know, like, uh Zeus' reproductive organs. No matter what you thought it didn't matter because you could say the craziest thing about the sun or moon and no one could tell you that you were wrong because every idea was fair game. Just check this out man.
Those names are totally rude. I like Phobos and Oberon. The one called 'Puck' is really stupid. You have a chance to name a moon or a planet and you call it 'Puck'? Why not fulfil our fantasies and call it "Gravitron" or "Omnitechcron" or anything that ends in "cron". Scientists shouldn't be funny or cute when naming these things. All they should be thinking is, "What would Issac Asimov call it?" or even George Lucas for that matter.
Today we've learned that humans should think moon more often. I think it's kind of crazy how men haven't mooned since the seventies, because you always hear things like "Today's personal computers are more powerful than all the Apollo missions combined" right? So why aren't we flying to the moon all the damn time?? Probably $$$$$$$$, but seriously, wouldn't it be totally easy now? Look how much has changed. WE'VE MADE ROBOTS MAN. The fact that there's nothing really all that good on the moon is also an issue I'm sure. The only reason they went in the first place was for the U.S. to show the Soviets how big their science dicks were. Ain't no water or corn on the moon, so why bother? I hope you can see that awesome picture up there. It's probably too big.
Tonight when you're knitting or putting the finishing touches on this week's pudding, imagine the moon as our idiot ancestors did and you'll stop taking it for granted. I did and I'm a happier person. But you don't have to do what I tell you. You can do whatever you want to do. Dream big, wish hard, smile all the time. For CBC Newsworld, I'm a boring guy that old people watch.
November 10, 2008
REFRESHED REFRESHRED REEFFFF
My anger over Saturday night's debacle has subsided. Party on guys!
It may be several months until next year's Halloween, but everyone's talking about it! Heck, my mom just bought a new spooky wreath from the seasonal store on sale. My dad made 8 quarts of Spiced Pumpkin Soup. He puts little crackers in it! As for myself, I already have a costume - a PhYsIoTherAPisT (SCaARRYyy). Here's a Halloween '09 treat, served hot and fresh courtesy of my production company, Hamburger Films.
What a fright! Orginally my man Dermot Mulroney was going to play the lead, but he went to the Leafs game instead. Don't worry we're still friends. He once gave me this gold ring for my birthday and I was like "what the hell?" and he said "nonono, don't be humble, I give all my best friends gold rings so that at any given time, wherever I am on Earth, I can look at my ring, think about the circle of friends, smile to myself and get on with it." I didn't cry after that but I shook for a while.
After 3 years at my same job, I'm finally starting to think about GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. I never thought I would, but it seems companies don't like guys with arts degrees and not much practical experince in anything but selling pools, hauling garbage, and proofreading press releases. Who knew? At least it'll give me something to talk about. I've been stretchin' it lately with tales of haircuts and trying to sleep. If I were your boring uncle you'd be really bored:
"Hey (insert your name) it's me, your uncle (insert uncle's name). What have you been doing lately?"
"Same stuff man."
"Well let me tell you about a haircut I got recently. It's shorter now! I went in there and got a haircut and lollipop like a little boy haraharharharharh."
"That was a bad story uncle."
"You thought that was bad? Yesterday all I did was read Calvin and Hobbes and made stew. It all started at 10am. I found a Calvin and Hobbes treasury in my neighbour's garbage. I sat by my window on a grey and quiet afternoon. First I was bored. Then I got sort of happy. Then bored again."
"Did you bring me a birthday present or not?"
"'Course I did! Calvin and Hobbes treasury!"
That story takes place on your birthday. I have good uncles though, so this story only applies to you and your dumb uncles.
In conclusion, November is a bad month for weather, but good for North American sports action. Tomorrow is Rememberance Day, so everyone go buy a poppy and kiss a veteran. I've done one of those things so far but I won't tell you which until next time!
It may be several months until next year's Halloween, but everyone's talking about it! Heck, my mom just bought a new spooky wreath from the seasonal store on sale. My dad made 8 quarts of Spiced Pumpkin Soup. He puts little crackers in it! As for myself, I already have a costume - a PhYsIoTherAPisT (SCaARRYyy). Here's a Halloween '09 treat, served hot and fresh courtesy of my production company, Hamburger Films.
What a fright! Orginally my man Dermot Mulroney was going to play the lead, but he went to the Leafs game instead. Don't worry we're still friends. He once gave me this gold ring for my birthday and I was like "what the hell?" and he said "nonono, don't be humble, I give all my best friends gold rings so that at any given time, wherever I am on Earth, I can look at my ring, think about the circle of friends, smile to myself and get on with it." I didn't cry after that but I shook for a while.
After 3 years at my same job, I'm finally starting to think about GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. I never thought I would, but it seems companies don't like guys with arts degrees and not much practical experince in anything but selling pools, hauling garbage, and proofreading press releases. Who knew? At least it'll give me something to talk about. I've been stretchin' it lately with tales of haircuts and trying to sleep. If I were your boring uncle you'd be really bored:
"Hey (insert your name) it's me, your uncle (insert uncle's name). What have you been doing lately?"
"Same stuff man."
"Well let me tell you about a haircut I got recently. It's shorter now! I went in there and got a haircut and lollipop like a little boy haraharharharharh."
"That was a bad story uncle."
"You thought that was bad? Yesterday all I did was read Calvin and Hobbes and made stew. It all started at 10am. I found a Calvin and Hobbes treasury in my neighbour's garbage. I sat by my window on a grey and quiet afternoon. First I was bored. Then I got sort of happy. Then bored again."
"Did you bring me a birthday present or not?"
"'Course I did! Calvin and Hobbes treasury!"
That story takes place on your birthday. I have good uncles though, so this story only applies to you and your dumb uncles.
In conclusion, November is a bad month for weather, but good for North American sports action. Tomorrow is Rememberance Day, so everyone go buy a poppy and kiss a veteran. I've done one of those things so far but I won't tell you which until next time!
November 9, 2008
A RESPONSIBLE MAN DOING RESPONSIBLE THINGS
I've been home alone all weekend and last night I was playing video games late when I heard some loud tunes coming from my neighbours' place.
"Oh, they're partying," I said.
The clock struck 3 am and I decided to put my playoff series against the Ottawa Senators on hold until the next day. When I went upstairs, the music was still on.
"Oh. They're still partying. This can't last too much longer."
I put in some earplugs and tried to sleep. But the bass was too much. I tried to muster the strength to go downstairs and maybe knock on their door.
"They must know it's 4 am and that they're music is loud. They're nice. They must be courteous as well."
It was around this time that instead of going to their place and asking them to turn it off, I figured I'd just kick the wall a few times and they'd get the picture. I was in my underpants, you know? I didn't want to get up all the way and put on clothes.
"I've kicked this wall a bunch now and it's 5 am. I can't believe these people."
I gave it one final double slam and FINALLY the party stopped. I hope it's because of my constant kicking of the wall, otherwise they probably think I didn't mind. But seriously. That's pretty late to be BLASTING music. And the music kept getting worse. It started off and I was like "hey this is okay, I can sleep to this." By the time the shitty song "Cordellia" or whatever came on I was ready to lose it. It got so bad that I actually expected them to come by and apologize today. Nothing yet.
Since I have a party planned next weekend, I'm going to blow their asses off until 6 am. When the music first started it reminded me of the party and I thought to myself, "oh yeah the neighbours. I guess our party can't go too late." I think I'm going to start the party at 4 am. Maybe they're mad that my friends keep ringing their doorbell.
New Topic
I can't drink a lot anymore without being really hungover the next day. On Friday I went to the Comedy Bar grand opening and it was a lot of fun. I was hammered. The next morning I woke up and I had a standard hangover:
First it's not so bad, but I'll have a headache. I think that everything's okay.
I get up and it gets worse
My stomach is the next to go
My butt ends up hurting
I had to go to a meeting for this play and I felt like the above and all I wanted to do was sit on my couch and enjoy a hot drink.
"Oh, they're partying," I said.
The clock struck 3 am and I decided to put my playoff series against the Ottawa Senators on hold until the next day. When I went upstairs, the music was still on.
"Oh. They're still partying. This can't last too much longer."
I put in some earplugs and tried to sleep. But the bass was too much. I tried to muster the strength to go downstairs and maybe knock on their door.
"They must know it's 4 am and that they're music is loud. They're nice. They must be courteous as well."
It was around this time that instead of going to their place and asking them to turn it off, I figured I'd just kick the wall a few times and they'd get the picture. I was in my underpants, you know? I didn't want to get up all the way and put on clothes.
"I've kicked this wall a bunch now and it's 5 am. I can't believe these people."
I gave it one final double slam and FINALLY the party stopped. I hope it's because of my constant kicking of the wall, otherwise they probably think I didn't mind. But seriously. That's pretty late to be BLASTING music. And the music kept getting worse. It started off and I was like "hey this is okay, I can sleep to this." By the time the shitty song "Cordellia" or whatever came on I was ready to lose it. It got so bad that I actually expected them to come by and apologize today. Nothing yet.
Since I have a party planned next weekend, I'm going to blow their asses off until 6 am. When the music first started it reminded me of the party and I thought to myself, "oh yeah the neighbours. I guess our party can't go too late." I think I'm going to start the party at 4 am. Maybe they're mad that my friends keep ringing their doorbell.
New Topic
I can't drink a lot anymore without being really hungover the next day. On Friday I went to the Comedy Bar grand opening and it was a lot of fun. I was hammered. The next morning I woke up and I had a standard hangover:
First it's not so bad, but I'll have a headache. I think that everything's okay.
I get up and it gets worse
My stomach is the next to go
My butt ends up hurting
I had to go to a meeting for this play and I felt like the above and all I wanted to do was sit on my couch and enjoy a hot drink.
November 7, 2008
GO NUTS FOR DOE NUTS
Apologies for not blowing your nose off with witticisms yesterday, but it was a hectic day for this old dog. Work was busy ramone and then I went to do a show at the now officially open "Comedy Bar". You guys should check out shows there. The Prime Minister calls it "The next big thing". 'Prime Minister' sounds way better than 'President'. Don't forget that next time an American presidential race is at the same time as a boring Canadian Prime Minister contest.
This week I decided to eat healthy because of the meat and candy intake of last weekend. Fruits were sliced, vegetables chopped, milk squeezed and the verdict is in: Eating healthy is great but junk food tastes better. So all you have to do is balance the two. Wrap gummi worms around a banana, wrap bacon around cauliflower, crush vitamins into your Fun Dip, garnish whole wheat pasta with Nerds. Just kidding, I'm not that crazy. Did everyone get the Ready or Not reference off the top? If not, don't worry, that show wasn't very good. I sort of remember my mom trying to get me watch it, which in retrospect was probably because she wanted it to explain puberty to me so she wouldn't have to. Once when I was pre-pubic we were in the car and she asked if I needed to know anything about sex to which I famously replied "If dad can do it I can". I was very, very intelligent.
With Christmas around the corner, I thought it might be useful to provide you with....
GIFT IDEAS THAT YOU'LL BE LIKE "OH YEAH, I COULD USE THAT"
1. Steak
One year my dad gave me a box of steaks. This is great because steak is expensive and you don't buy it that often right? You do? Who are you? I see. Very well then. What?
2. Lego
Don't you ever forget about Lego. I treated myself to a Star Wars Lego AT-ST when I was in Florida last year and I enjoyed every second putting that baby together. The only bad part is when you move you have to take your Lego in a special trip so it doesn't all fall apart. For my special trip, my brother held it in the car. No big deal right? It'll give you something to do and it's one of those things where if someone comes over they're like "Ohhhhh! You have Lego!", and in your mind it's like "Yeah big deal, whatever". I hate it when people get overly excited about things and stuff. That's a tale for another day though. There's no tale actually, that's pretty much it.
3. Magazine Subscription
This is honestly the hidden gem in the.... gift-giving box of... precious stones...
If you give someone a subscription and they don't like it, then there's something seriously wrong with them. I'm batting 1.000 on magazine subscriptions. Everyone likes getting one. Unless you totally mess up and get them a magazine they don't like. But then what were you doing buying them a present in the first place? Are you playing a trick? Are you bribing them? Are you trying to get in their pants and you thought a present would be a good idea but you don't know them quite well enough to pick a magazine for them?! ANSWER ME!!!!
4. Something they like X 10
This is sort of like the steak idea, but expanded. I never plan these entries out so there's bound to be some repeats once and awhile right? Let's say your friend really likes Twix Bars. Buy them a box of Twix bars. Let's say they really like Sour Kids. Get them a box of Sour Kids. This only works for candy really. Get them a lot of candy. This is dumb. I shouldn't be wasting time promoting consumerism. I should be promoting science. Here is one of my recent time travel theories:
We can pretty much tell that time travel is not, and will never be, possible. But why?
Let us first safely assume that if time travel became possible and accessible that it would fall into the wrong hands at least once a la Timecop.
That being true, at some point in history a time bandit would've made his mark. History would've recorded this and we'd automatically know about it. So since history has no record of time bandits, time travel is never going to work.
There is the possibility that time bandits are just really good at what they do and they've managed to blend in. Maybe Bin Laden is a time bandit and he's hiding not in a cave in 2008, but a cave in 3067 or 1245 where he sits around with all the best stuff from every generation and no one really knows because it's a cave.
Did I blow your mind? I think I'm right about this. I love thinking that time travel is real and that people go back in time a lot and are changing the future constantly. So like just a second ago, maybe all humans walked around nude, but some guy from the future just changed it, but to us nothing happened because it's always been that way. WOWOWOWOWOOWO
Today we learned about Lego, time travel and magazines amongst other things. Today when you're on the street pick someone who has cool clothes and then try to find the exact outfit but cheaper! It's your own Slice Network show. HOMEWORK.
This week I decided to eat healthy because of the meat and candy intake of last weekend. Fruits were sliced, vegetables chopped, milk squeezed and the verdict is in: Eating healthy is great but junk food tastes better. So all you have to do is balance the two. Wrap gummi worms around a banana, wrap bacon around cauliflower, crush vitamins into your Fun Dip, garnish whole wheat pasta with Nerds. Just kidding, I'm not that crazy. Did everyone get the Ready or Not reference off the top? If not, don't worry, that show wasn't very good. I sort of remember my mom trying to get me watch it, which in retrospect was probably because she wanted it to explain puberty to me so she wouldn't have to. Once when I was pre-pubic we were in the car and she asked if I needed to know anything about sex to which I famously replied "If dad can do it I can". I was very, very intelligent.
With Christmas around the corner, I thought it might be useful to provide you with....
GIFT IDEAS THAT YOU'LL BE LIKE "OH YEAH, I COULD USE THAT"
1. Steak
One year my dad gave me a box of steaks. This is great because steak is expensive and you don't buy it that often right? You do? Who are you? I see. Very well then. What?
2. Lego
Don't you ever forget about Lego. I treated myself to a Star Wars Lego AT-ST when I was in Florida last year and I enjoyed every second putting that baby together. The only bad part is when you move you have to take your Lego in a special trip so it doesn't all fall apart. For my special trip, my brother held it in the car. No big deal right? It'll give you something to do and it's one of those things where if someone comes over they're like "Ohhhhh! You have Lego!", and in your mind it's like "Yeah big deal, whatever". I hate it when people get overly excited about things and stuff. That's a tale for another day though. There's no tale actually, that's pretty much it.
3. Magazine Subscription
This is honestly the hidden gem in the.... gift-giving box of... precious stones...
If you give someone a subscription and they don't like it, then there's something seriously wrong with them. I'm batting 1.000 on magazine subscriptions. Everyone likes getting one. Unless you totally mess up and get them a magazine they don't like. But then what were you doing buying them a present in the first place? Are you playing a trick? Are you bribing them? Are you trying to get in their pants and you thought a present would be a good idea but you don't know them quite well enough to pick a magazine for them?! ANSWER ME!!!!
4. Something they like X 10
This is sort of like the steak idea, but expanded. I never plan these entries out so there's bound to be some repeats once and awhile right? Let's say your friend really likes Twix Bars. Buy them a box of Twix bars. Let's say they really like Sour Kids. Get them a box of Sour Kids. This only works for candy really. Get them a lot of candy. This is dumb. I shouldn't be wasting time promoting consumerism. I should be promoting science. Here is one of my recent time travel theories:
We can pretty much tell that time travel is not, and will never be, possible. But why?
Let us first safely assume that if time travel became possible and accessible that it would fall into the wrong hands at least once a la Timecop.
That being true, at some point in history a time bandit would've made his mark. History would've recorded this and we'd automatically know about it. So since history has no record of time bandits, time travel is never going to work.
There is the possibility that time bandits are just really good at what they do and they've managed to blend in. Maybe Bin Laden is a time bandit and he's hiding not in a cave in 2008, but a cave in 3067 or 1245 where he sits around with all the best stuff from every generation and no one really knows because it's a cave.
Did I blow your mind? I think I'm right about this. I love thinking that time travel is real and that people go back in time a lot and are changing the future constantly. So like just a second ago, maybe all humans walked around nude, but some guy from the future just changed it, but to us nothing happened because it's always been that way. WOWOWOWOWOOWO
Today we learned about Lego, time travel and magazines amongst other things. Today when you're on the street pick someone who has cool clothes and then try to find the exact outfit but cheaper! It's your own Slice Network show. HOMEWORK.
November 5, 2008
AMERICA YOU'RE BACK AND YOU PUT ON SOME COOOOOL SHADES
America has been a pretty silly place since Bill Clinton had sexual relations with Tom Green's wife back in the nineties. That's my entire adult life. Now, they're back. It's literally a new era and all jokes aside, it's an exiting time and even me, an emotionless robot, felt pretty good about humans, specifically American humans last night. Back to silly jokes.
When the dust clears and the confetti and corn chips are cleaned up by both black and white cleaner people and everyone stops hugging each other, what exactly will the world be like under Barack Obama? Will there be rainbows every day? Will it rain money? Will there be money rainbows? Where will the racists go and what will they do? I kinda wish I was American and I worked with a racist and I could see the look on their face today. I can't imagine how mad racists must be today. This is like the end of the world for them. I wonder if they'll come to Canada like Iraq War resisters. I hope that doesn't happen. If an American racist is reading this, I just want to let you know that we don't like you and we've been cool for awhile now, so don't bother. Anyway, I've done the research, worked out the economic algorithms and come up with some predictions as to what the world will look like after this historic occasion.
Impact on culture
Culture is highly influenced by politics, so you can bet that American pop culture will no doubt change thanks to Obama. Michael Moore, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Eminem, Oliver Stone, Neil Young, Elizabeth Hasslebeck and the Dixie Chicks will no doubt retire by the end of the week, while Michael Jackson, Steven Spielberg, hip hop music, hippies and gay people will enjoy a career resurgence. Why Michael Jackson and Steven Spielberg? Why not? Some songs of the past will lose meaning, such as Eazy E's classic, "Niggaz My Height Don't Fight":
Fuck the White House
It ain't my house
Cuz you can burn the mutha fucka down for all I care
Cuz t-shirts and khakis is all I wear
Obviously the African-American community is smiling all over right now and they're going to see some changes too. Expect Obama to dominate politics just as his fellow brothers have dominated every major sport over the last 30 years. Thanks to Obama, this proud race will no doubt begin to prosper in other areas that they've never dominated before such as dentistry, horse racing, fortune telling, hockey, polka, and I don't know maybe darts or something. In any case, Oprah is not the most famous black person in America anymore, and I for one am pleased with that, because she's been number one for awhile now and all she does is sit on a couch and talk to people who think they're the most important people in the world, but all they do is act or invent candy or write books that aren't real.
Tom Cruise goes crazy
Speaking of Oprah, last night I re-watched the episode where Tom Cruise goes crazy. It's totally worth watching again. I forgot just how crazy he got. Even the crowd looks nutso for encouraging it. It makes you want to barf and laugh at the same time. Then again, if Scientology can make you so happy that all you want to do is jump around speechless, then maybe we should all sign up. What say you? Let's go bOnKers!!! Also, that new movie of his? HAAHAHAHA. He plays a German guy but makes no effort to put on an accent a la Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Some actor he is. That movie will tank more than Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson who loves tanks and owns some and rides them all day. He "tanks". Get it?
Quick Fire Round
When the dust clears and the confetti and corn chips are cleaned up by both black and white cleaner people and everyone stops hugging each other, what exactly will the world be like under Barack Obama? Will there be rainbows every day? Will it rain money? Will there be money rainbows? Where will the racists go and what will they do? I kinda wish I was American and I worked with a racist and I could see the look on their face today. I can't imagine how mad racists must be today. This is like the end of the world for them. I wonder if they'll come to Canada like Iraq War resisters. I hope that doesn't happen. If an American racist is reading this, I just want to let you know that we don't like you and we've been cool for awhile now, so don't bother. Anyway, I've done the research, worked out the economic algorithms and come up with some predictions as to what the world will look like after this historic occasion.
Impact on culture
Culture is highly influenced by politics, so you can bet that American pop culture will no doubt change thanks to Obama. Michael Moore, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Eminem, Oliver Stone, Neil Young, Elizabeth Hasslebeck and the Dixie Chicks will no doubt retire by the end of the week, while Michael Jackson, Steven Spielberg, hip hop music, hippies and gay people will enjoy a career resurgence. Why Michael Jackson and Steven Spielberg? Why not? Some songs of the past will lose meaning, such as Eazy E's classic, "Niggaz My Height Don't Fight":
Fuck the White House
It ain't my house
Cuz you can burn the mutha fucka down for all I care
Cuz t-shirts and khakis is all I wear
It is your house now Eazy! The dream is alive.
9/11 made comic book movies popular because they provided a fantastical escape to the grim realities of the real, regular-person-filled Earth. So what will this positive event mean? Probably the opposite. So we're going to see films about real people facing real challenges in regular New York instead of Spiderman New York. Hmmmmm. Maybe we'll see movies where African-Americans take more strides, like Ice Cube will be in a movie where he plays the first black astronaut. There might've already been one. A black astronaut that is. Not an Ice Cube movie about a black astronaut. Was Ice-T in Leprechaun in Space? If so, close enough.
Canadian Impact
What about Canada? For the last eight years we've been the envy of progressive, forward-thinking Americans. Canada is usually seen as America's younger brother who wants to copy everything its older brother does. For awhile, Canada was the older brother, a guy who listened to indie rock from Montreal, smoked weed and married his boyfriend. Now we're all like "ahhhh man" and we're back to being the little brother, especially considering we have a conservative government led by that guy who looks like he can turn into a snake, Stephen Harper. I predict we'll get jealous and the next Prime Minister will be either Master T or Dwight Drummond from CityTV.
African-American Community ImpactObviously the African-American community is smiling all over right now and they're going to see some changes too. Expect Obama to dominate politics just as his fellow brothers have dominated every major sport over the last 30 years. Thanks to Obama, this proud race will no doubt begin to prosper in other areas that they've never dominated before such as dentistry, horse racing, fortune telling, hockey, polka, and I don't know maybe darts or something. In any case, Oprah is not the most famous black person in America anymore, and I for one am pleased with that, because she's been number one for awhile now and all she does is sit on a couch and talk to people who think they're the most important people in the world, but all they do is act or invent candy or write books that aren't real.
Tom Cruise goes crazy
Speaking of Oprah, last night I re-watched the episode where Tom Cruise goes crazy. It's totally worth watching again. I forgot just how crazy he got. Even the crowd looks nutso for encouraging it. It makes you want to barf and laugh at the same time. Then again, if Scientology can make you so happy that all you want to do is jump around speechless, then maybe we should all sign up. What say you? Let's go bOnKers!!! Also, that new movie of his? HAAHAHAHA. He plays a German guy but makes no effort to put on an accent a la Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Some actor he is. That movie will tank more than Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson who loves tanks and owns some and rides them all day. He "tanks". Get it?
Quick Fire Round
Osama Bin Laden will call up and say "Yo don't kill me, I was just made at George Bush. Sick name by the way."
"I'm still coming after you. "
"Fair ball, fair ball."
Every black hip hop artist will have a line in their next album that's like "It's been fucked up since Osama's attack, but now a real brother leadin' named Obama, Barack."
The next president will be Chinese.
There will be a new generation of celebrities who speak out against Obama instead of Bush. They'll also speak out against good times, peace, good old fashioned rock n roll, parties, and maybe video games. Video games are big these days. You don't even know man. Big sales across the board.
November 4, 2008
AN HISTORIC A HISTORIC NIGHT
The election is tied and this guy is the only one left to vote
Just joking. That's a movie about a guy who gets to decide who wins. He is America. Steaks and trucks and heartlands and dusty old things.
This is a pretty big night obviously but it sort of makes me mad that Canadians are way more into this election than our own. I guess it's because everyone who ran in Canada was pretty much a clown, while Obama is a guy that us young people feel good about. I once did a joke on stage about Obama looking like Panthro from Thundercats. He doesn't really all that much but you can compare anyone to a character from Thundercats and it'll get a laugh. Your mother is so old, she makes Mumra look like Dakota Fanning. WHOA. Are you pissing right now? Are you pissing big time? After you change your pants come back and I'll tell you what I did today. That's the extent of my election coverage here on WIDAHIA. Those of you who still have clean pants, why don't you follow me my secret spot and we'll talk some more.
Make your way down the bamboo ladder and give the babe of the pond a kiss on the cheek. Then swim on through that cave.
Answer the sea nymphs' riddle. The answer is probably "Big Deal" but sometimes they trick you and all you have to do is say your name. You'll know what I'm talking about when you hear it.
This is kind of a weird picture.
Come out of this dirty old log and my tent is pretty much right there. I cooked some hare last night you can have. I don't really like it. Okay, so this morning I went to Top Cuts to get a trim. For the last while I've been cutting my own hair, so it kind of felt like when you go somewhere fancy and they pamper you and take your coat and shine your boots you know? When I got there I actually used the phrase "take a little off the top". Then myself and the stylist complained about the TTC. Then I had a red lolli. I thought I'd expand on my haircut but really that's all that happened. Not like that time at a different Top Cuts when the stylist's boyfriend was a cagefighter who owned several snakes. Do you think guys like that sometimes stop and think, "I'm doing it. I'm really doing it. I'm a badass cool dude. Cagefighter? Check. Snakes? Check. Blonde girlfriend with big cans? Check."
I had a dream last night that I went back in time and hung out in Kurt Cobain's bedroom with all the fellas. Dave, Kurt, Krist, a young Josh Homme for some reason only he looked like Deke Wilson for some reason. Remember that show? Deke Wilson? He was a cool teen detective solving crimes in the suburbs. Really cool dude.
What do you do with a Remembrance Day poppy after Remembrance Day? It feels weird throwing it out, but if you keep it for next year it kind of defeats the purpose. I guess you're supposed to just throw them out.
Just joking. That's a movie about a guy who gets to decide who wins. He is America. Steaks and trucks and heartlands and dusty old things.
This is a pretty big night obviously but it sort of makes me mad that Canadians are way more into this election than our own. I guess it's because everyone who ran in Canada was pretty much a clown, while Obama is a guy that us young people feel good about. I once did a joke on stage about Obama looking like Panthro from Thundercats. He doesn't really all that much but you can compare anyone to a character from Thundercats and it'll get a laugh. Your mother is so old, she makes Mumra look like Dakota Fanning. WHOA. Are you pissing right now? Are you pissing big time? After you change your pants come back and I'll tell you what I did today. That's the extent of my election coverage here on WIDAHIA. Those of you who still have clean pants, why don't you follow me my secret spot and we'll talk some more.
Make your way down the bamboo ladder and give the babe of the pond a kiss on the cheek. Then swim on through that cave.
Answer the sea nymphs' riddle. The answer is probably "Big Deal" but sometimes they trick you and all you have to do is say your name. You'll know what I'm talking about when you hear it.
This is kind of a weird picture.
Come out of this dirty old log and my tent is pretty much right there. I cooked some hare last night you can have. I don't really like it. Okay, so this morning I went to Top Cuts to get a trim. For the last while I've been cutting my own hair, so it kind of felt like when you go somewhere fancy and they pamper you and take your coat and shine your boots you know? When I got there I actually used the phrase "take a little off the top". Then myself and the stylist complained about the TTC. Then I had a red lolli. I thought I'd expand on my haircut but really that's all that happened. Not like that time at a different Top Cuts when the stylist's boyfriend was a cagefighter who owned several snakes. Do you think guys like that sometimes stop and think, "I'm doing it. I'm really doing it. I'm a badass cool dude. Cagefighter? Check. Snakes? Check. Blonde girlfriend with big cans? Check."
I had a dream last night that I went back in time and hung out in Kurt Cobain's bedroom with all the fellas. Dave, Kurt, Krist, a young Josh Homme for some reason only he looked like Deke Wilson for some reason. Remember that show? Deke Wilson? He was a cool teen detective solving crimes in the suburbs. Really cool dude.
What do you do with a Remembrance Day poppy after Remembrance Day? It feels weird throwing it out, but if you keep it for next year it kind of defeats the purpose. I guess you're supposed to just throw them out.
November 3, 2008
GOOD GOSH OH GEEZ
Here's a Halloween shot. If you don't know what's going on here and who we are then you can go back to the cave you were living in (in 1991), start a fire, roast me something savoury, come back, give me the meal and then I'll tell you what it's all about.
Halloween was pretty good. All weekend all I ate was candy and meat. I topped it off on Sunday by eating KFC. Here's a report:
Halloween was pretty good. All weekend all I ate was candy and meat. I topped it off on Sunday by eating KFC. Here's a report:
I'm now never going to eat KFC or Taco Bell again. Probably. I'm getting to an age where if I ate crappy things I feel it big time. I feel it all over. My stomach, my brain, my butt, everywhere. I used to love Taco Bell and KFC more than anything and I hated it when people were like "ahhhhh how can you eat that!", to which I would reply in all seriousness, "it's not like it's going to kill me you idiot." Now I'm one of those people and my fantasies of being a boy my whole life have evaporated like summer dew on a warm July mid-morning. Now I know how Peter Pan felt when he decided to go to college because he finally felt it was time for him to have sex. The pirates told him about it. He didn't understand boobs at first, but then he saw a picture and got red-in-the-face horny.
This weekend was really busy. I partied on Halloween, then spent all day Saturday shooting a video and then all day Sunday editing the video. I need a haircut to go with my fresh baby face. The beard is gone. I miss it. My face is smaller. You know in the Simpsons when Homer shaves and he looks different? That's what I always think of when I shave. That and "The Great Outdoors" when Ackroyd is clipping his nose hair.
Happy November. This month you can expect more fun and games, more complaining about the weather no doubt, video game reviews, recipes and some really great stuff you can do with the kids. I'll be having my annual November Subjective Photo Romp around the 16th where you send in a photo based on a word that I provide and I judge the best one. Last year the word was "jugular" and some chick won because she sent in a really cool photo of her trip to the aquarium. Why'd she win? I forget.
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