IN OUR TOWN THE POLICE CHIEF IS CALLED 'THE ROYAL BOSS'

THE VITAL SIGNS

Temperature

Cold. I should've fattened up with tacos and deep fried peanut butter before winter reared its rear, but I stuck to the four majors instead and am now paying the price. The heating system in our apartment is sub-par, just like the temperature, so blankets have been deployed to all major sitting and lying areas. Does anyone have a toilet solution? If I were rich I'd make sure mine was filled with boiling water so every drop-off would be like a trip to the hot springs. The steam might cause some olfactory issues though.

Fashion

I bought some new brown cor - door - roys a little while back to replace an old pair of browns whose crotch perished some time ago. I bought them too hastily though, and from the first few wears determined they're a bit too long and dumpy. They're going to remain in the rotation, but I bought an auxiliary pair today at H&M, a place that's like a tropical jungle of clothes, where there are no rules and pants live alongside vests and not with the rest of their kind. So yeah, it took me a while to find the right ones. Just give me a damn dedicated pants section you twerps. Also, this little kid kept going back to the change room and yelling at his apparently fat friend "Guzman" to "hurry up" because there was no way he was going to fit into those "skinny pants". Good burns coming from that little kid, but so embarrassing for Guzman.

Haircuts

Haircuts are tough when your hair cuts itself by falling out, but regardless I'm not quite Patrick Stewart enough to keep it buzzed or fully scalped all the time. I finally smartened up though, and went to the Asian barbers in Chinatown who only charge six dollars and do a quick and efficient job. Plus, you don't even need to make small talk because they barely know English.

Those are today's vital signs. Today you should throw a dart at a large world map and decide something based on where it lands. Like if it lands on "Botswana" you should research hippos, learn Setswana or weave a basket. Let the dart determine thine fate, okay?

I PLAYED SOCCER BUT THEN I REALIZED IT WASN'T FOOTBALL

Everyone's going gonkers over the new Apple iPad because it's a big iPhone and people liked the iPhone because it's an iPod with a phone and people like phones because they meant no more telegrams and people liked telegrams because they were expensive. So pretty simple, right?

Anyway, forget all that. It won't be on your test and it won't make you cool with the skateboarders. I talked to Steve Jobs (the coolest babysitter I ever had) just before the big unveiling and he told me all the potential names they didn't end up using and who got fired for suggesting them:

Biblio Franco, Product Developer, suggested the "Apple Daddy Smith", a play on a popular fruit variety, changing "Granny" to "Daddy" because in Biblio's words "I highly doubt a raisin-brained girl can operate this thing".

Marco Noonnmn, Public Affairs Officer, suggested "American iDol" because he likes the show. Everyone thought it was kind of cute but then he spent an entire week screaming at everyone that he isn't gay for some reason, repeating "how many bras do I have to snap to convince people otherwise?" over and over again. He took a new job at Quaker Oats, finding a second calling as an oat diver at their Chicago headquarters.

Gremelda Cake, PR Specialist wanted to call it "Steve MacScreen" for obvious reasons, and Jobs considered it until he realized she stole it from a popular fish taco joint out in San Diego that the locals really dig.

Check out this Far Side cartoon I made:

Valentine's is coming up, get those condoms on while you can!

MY YEAR BOOK PROFILE SAID I WAS ALL-STATE IN MATING

It's due time to post and inform! Yeah dudes, back up in this techno-sphere with stories and anecdotes that are the antidote to other anecdotes that make you snooze and spit. Let's start it off with the top seed street-level observation that's been sitting in my memory since yesterday:

Yesterday it was raining and I saw a couple drag a pissing dog across the street. They were "pissed" that it was pissing.

On Sunday I played my in my first organized co-ed ball hockey game since last year and we lost real bad to this team of tennis players. They were fit and we were shit. Seriously though, they were winning 9-1 and a guy got mad at me for lifting his stick. For a guy like me who avoids confrontation like Jon Gosselin avoids responsibility (or like Kate Gosselin avoids competent style advice OR like Mady Gosselin avoids being a pleasant human child), this was strange. I've had little hockey arguments before throughout my illustrious career, spanning house leagues, rep leagues and the Adult Safe Hockey League, but I still don't like it and I consider myself so reasonable that I figure I'm always right so I project an attitude of "don't bother pal, you're being a twerp."

Last weekend I made my triumphant return to the Dixie Value Mall. I was hoping it was the same as when I was 13 and it was! The food court still included Chinese restaurant favourite "TIKI MING", and the Flea Market was exactly the same, including the video game guy who has yet to purchase any games post Playstation 1. Back in the underage days, the Flea Market was the only place some of my questionable friends could buy cigarettes and interesting lighters and steal rock shirts with little to no risk of getting caught. I went for the hockey cards and Star Wars figures.

Finally, how about that Conan O'Brien? That red headed stick dude inspired me to work harder in 2010 when in his farewell monologue he talked about "being kind and working hard". I figure I'm already pretty kind, so all I have to do is figure out how to work hard and I'll be hosting Late Night with Jimmy Fallon starring Glenn in no time. HA. Yeah right, and my hair will grow back and I'll become Canada's Fabio. It'd be a lot easier to become Fabio's Canadian. I wonder if he has one? I know for sure he owns a lot of Pantene and a half decent brush and lots of nice shirts.

AROUND HERE WE CALL CARS "DUDLEY SMOKERS"

POETRY SLAM

Put on your jazz, shoot some brown sugar and grab your beatnik baby by the bazookas, it's poetry time:

Fruit drink for breakfast
chicken rice for lunch
I barely ever have dinner
Sometimes chips

Ding Dong
Doorbell
Everyone has cell phones
Ding Dong
Doorbell
Call me on your cell phone
Ding Dong
Doorbell
I don't answer the door bell
Ding Dong
Doorbell
If you knew me you would call

1 poo a day is what I prefer
I prefer cats pre-furred
I like them alive
AC/DC Live
Afternoon Drive
Kim Mitchell.

Walk or bike? I don't know.
Socks and shoes? For sure, let's go.
Beef or pork? Do I have to choose?
At Red Lobster you can't lose.

Standing in the park staring at the kids
Trench coat flapping in the wind
Don't let the parents see me, go after the young
Don't stop until I'm done
I'm Van Helsing
The kids are vampires
The kids are vampires
Why are the kids vampires?
I hate it when kids are vampires
But I'll stab them anyway

WHO MADE WHO AND WHAT SWAM WHERE

WONDERIN' ABOUT US

I'm pretty glad that only our head hair grows long, but would like to live in a world where a guy could grow a butt braid.


UPDATE

Me and some of the fellas rented a tiny room in a giant place to use as an office so we can become professionals. I doubt we'll end up lawyers, but if we get famous we'll have lots of stories to tell late night talk show hosts (but who will it be?! What a situation!) about how we worked in a tiny room with a slanted roof etc. etc. then something about filling the place with farts blah blah, GUARANTEED.


It feels weird not writing here as "dedicatedly" as I did a couple of days ago, but I feel loose as a goose you juice. Really though, with this post I haven't missed a day yet, so I'm like those old guys on Kitchen Nightmares who always end up back in the kitchen even though Gordo Ram Jam calls them "useless old twats" who shouldn't be cooking anymore. Not only am I going to keep "blog jamming" but I'm going to stay in the kitchen and make the biggest casserole you've ever pooed.

A MESSAGE TO YOU WHILE WE STILL HAVE EYES

Dear Readers,

I'm going to stop posting daily for the next little while because it's finally gotten too hard and I think I should be putting my brain waves toward some other stuff I got going on. I'll still post a couple times a week depending on my mental state, and if I have sex with a celebrity you'll be the first to know.

The reason I started writing every day was to 1) prove to myself I could do it, 2) force myself to write something every day and 3) start something and actually stay committed to it. I'm pretty pleased I managed to go this long, but lately I feel like I'm forcing myself too much and that's no good because it means I'm raping my own mind in a way, and according to the human code of ethics drafted by King Midas, 'rape' is a negative thing.

Most of you probably don't come here every day anyway, so if I hadn't of said anything you probably wouldn't have noticed. And who knows? Maybe I'll ending posting more than before. In the words of Abraham Lincoln "Some days you shit standing up, some sitting down, but no matter what it's still shit". Stay tuned for more fun, games, lucky numbers, Lego project ideas and the hottest guitar tabs, all right here at What I Did and How I Am -- The blog.

Sincerely, your pal,

Glenn "The Terminator" Macaulay

WHAT TIME IS IT LADIES? KEN THIRTY

HOT MONDAY JOKES

'Monday' starts with 'M' and so does 'Mud'. Yeah right I didn't notice that.

How many Mondays does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't really care, I just want to see that butthole do some work like me for once.

Coffee, tea or me? Monday is all about these things.

Monday walks into a bar and everyone boos. Monday's like "don't hate the player, hate the game," and the crowd is silenced. Then it gets hustled at darts.

What do Mondays and your underpants options have in common? You don't really care about them until the sun rises.

What's Monday's favourite colour? Orange, just because everyone else hates it.

Who is Monday's worst enemy? Christmas.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh another classic Canadian weekend etched into the history slab that Prime Minister Stephen Harper keeps amongst his LPs. I successfully de-cluttered my home, ate Swiss Chalet, partied with beer, and saw a Raptors game. With that I won the Loblaws Weekend Bingo Challenge. The middle square was free and had a picture of a guy relaxing.

WEEKDAY CHALLENGE

with

Sword Randerchet

I challenge you to beat my time driving from Devil's Elbow to Snake Moon Pass Road -- 2 seconds. My cousin Rbryan was in the car with me and he saw it. Don't forget kid -- I'm the King of Orillia.

I'VE NEVER MET YOU BUT I KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU DIG HOLES WELL

Yesterday I was in a bad mood because the pressures of life squeezed the sunshine and baby cheeks out of my soul. I think it happens when everything I'm currently doing seems kind of stupid. I'm usually satisfied with at least one thing that I'm working on but some nights when the moon is full and the fridge is empty, I feel I have nothing to be excited about and I turn into a dick head werewolf that's more dick head than wolf. Fortunately it usually doesn't last that long and today I've regained some chi and can start thinking about how to maximize my weekend with an eloquent mix of partying, errands and reasonably priced meals.

Weekends certainly have changed over the course of growing up. When you're a kid the weekend is mostly about cartoons and no school. Friday nights were not even really part of the weekend and Sundays included church and homework so it was Saturday that was, and still is, the King of Days.

Instead of watching cartoons my kids program the software for an iPhone app that points you in the direction of the nearest Mortal Kombat machine.

When you're a teenager you begin to associate weekends with beers because you want to be an adult and because you still want to watch cartoons but don't want to admit it, so you drink beers thinking it'll cover that shit up and maybe if you're lucky you'll experience a hungover like in your favourite movie and skip cartoons altogether.

This poor guy did have sex but he was disappointed because it didn't feel as good as scoring a goal in the big soccer game and he was really looking forward to topping that.

Young adults use weekends to find mates and drink, this time using drinks to make it seem like mating isn't the first thing on everyone's mind, unless you're a Guido from the Shore, in which case you're so honest with your sexual motives that you reduce the opposite sex to mere "creatures".

Will you be our Jew?

When you get to my age the weekend means no work mostly with beers helping you to forget that Mondays always come back. This is unless Earth wins the space lottery and everyone gets six hundred Malrax dollars each, which, believe me, is more than enough to live comfortably for the rest of your life without Mondays. We'd probably resort to the calendar of GenManz 7, the party planet, where every day is Hot Dog Day.

I assume that when you have kids you basically just show them that cartoons are on in the morning and they do the rest.

If you think of it as a baby sandwich latching itself onto human man to drain man's life force, it takes on a new meaning.

A LADY ON TV RATING CAKES MAKES HAITI EARTHQUAKE LOOK LIKE THE ENTIRE DAMN BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH

Tuesday nights I usually stay home and write letters to Green Day, but last Tuesday I had the pleasure of assisting my friends in the comedy group "Life of a Craphead" when they opened for employed musician Owen Pallett at the Mod Club. We did a silly bit about magic featuring dummies and I think the crowd thought it was at least pretty good and those who didn't probably hate pasta and fresh bread as well so who cares about them. It was fun being a part of a big show where I could roam about the premises as I pleased, periodically returning to the green room to stuff my yapper full of Tostitos Scoops. I also got a couple of beer tickets and got to watch the show without paying, which for an old Scrooge like me is a really hot deal.

Check out this police officer. He's at an airport in Montreal. I'm willing to bet that he didn't want to ride that droid scooter, especially after his supervisor reminded him to put his helmet on. I bet when they were trying to decide how to spend the anti-terrorism money and someone was like "well we could use something to get around on" and you were to suggest rollerblades or skateboards the Chief would be like "WHO ARE YOU, MY GAY SON?!" And yet, both options are severely cheaper and would accomplish the same thing.

Man! That thing is the closest real thing to R2-D2 I've ever seen. I guess it's good to have things like this to remind us that we're in the future now, so we'd better start coming up with new visions of the future. Here are some now:

------------------

We'll find a way to make winter look like summer but still feel like winter so nobody freaks out fully, which is important because in the future "freak outs" are going to be akin to manslaughter because we're going to be smarter and nicer by then.

------------------

Compasses will be a thing of the past when we eliminate the idea of North-South-East-West because someone will eventually think the whole concept s racist and everyone will be too lazy to argue against it and nobody cares anyway because most people spend all their time playing frisbee in space, both inner and outer.

------------------

You ever seen "Surrogates"? The future isn't like that but the first martian president loves it so much that he spreads it across the universe and Bruce Willis dominates yet another few centuries.

------------------

Everyone will ride horses again because they're cleaner than the electric car. To make them run as fast as a car, scientists discover all you have to do is feed them Gatorade and throw a few Black Cats now and then to spook them a bit, so the new future has lots of horses. People also like them because they're "vintage".

------------------

Okay cowboys, time for bed, or for some of you who haven't eaten in a while, time to pig out. I'd recommend salami because you probably forget just how good it is.

BUN CAKE MEGA OUTLET PROPIETOR'S CONFERENCE AND DOCUMENTARY SHOOT

Before I eat my usual breakfast of coffee pie with Shreddies bits and chocolate pancakes with milk sopping, I check out free news from the Internet to ensure I can discuss any current event with potential Beach Pillow investors I may happen upon during regular business hours.

Me as one of the Avatar "Blue Goons"

Yesterday I read about how the "blogosphere" is all fired up over allegations that Jimmy Cameron's Avatar is racist because of its depiction of the "white man's burden", which has something to do with white people convincing themselves that they're pretty good guys despite stealing everything from everyone. I think there's some legitimacy to this claim because in the movie this white wheelchair army man saves the blue African guys from the other white army guys, so it's like "we may take your minerals but we can also save you" sort of thing.

BUTTTTT

Because this movie is on its way to becoming the most $$$$$$$$ of all time, it has to be the ultimate expression of what the film-going public wants to see at this exact point in history, right? So I think Cameron included this racist stuff not because he feels bad about Christopher Columbus and Horace T. Slavedriver, but because the story elements he chose just happened to melt together that makes it seem racist.

Here are the elements that make Avatar the king of dollars for the humans right now:

1. Video Games and Computers - Everything about this movie screams "Good Graphics", and since computers and video games are undeniably more popular than even the Queen herself, it's no wonder Cameron thought to exploit them, both in his film making process and the look of the film itself. Also, don't forget that the aliens of the film ride horses and listen to trees only after downloading data through their ponytails, and what 13-year old can't relate to that?

2. The colour blue - The tall E.T.s of Avatar are blue. Blue is probably the world's most popular colour because it's the colour of our Lord's roof, the oceans which surfers love so much and because it's not really associated with any major holiday so it belongs to everyone.

3. The environment - Everyone loves the environment right now because concrete doesn't go well with paisley or something. In any case, Avatar exploits our renewed love of the natural world and preaches the dangers of destroying it.

4. Army Dudes - Cameron didn't forget about all the people in the world who hate nature and the people who live freely in it, so he made his main villain, the scar faced colonel man, one of the more likable characters in the film. He was funny, confident, cigar-chomping and if it were rated R I'm sure he would've said something funny about bikinis and their buxom inhabitants.

5. Love - Love gives hope to the hopeless and gives teens something to talk about other than their changing bodies.

6. Wheelchairs

So any racism found in the film is just a bi-product of the above, which Cameron needed to include to make it the best movie of all-time.

Case. Closed.

Okay, so that wasn't the most scholarly dissection of the argument, but I think you kind of see what I'm talking about, right? No? Who cares, I didn't even like Avatar that much. Terminator 2 is far more perfect and deserves our praises.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD OR INFORMATION OVERLORD?

THIS DAY IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY

A surefire sign that I don't have anything to tell the Earth today. I do have something to tell the aliens though - "Check Earth's Internet before touching down for a significant strategic advantage".

Here's an excerpt from 2006 a few months after I moved to Toronto, post-university, four years ago today:

[12 Jan 2006|09:18pm]

Also, everyone come and see the still camera film festival that jon made. me and andy made a movie and i'm in another one too. It was my first foray into the world of digital editing and it worked! I think the thing is on Jan 20th. The polecats group is doing a show on Feb 12 so everyone come to that too. Tha so clar crew will also be performiong and there'll be stand ups an lots more to be announced later. we need to pay back my dad with the money made. He's a good man and you're all good people.

I was working on topical humour today for the show . . and i came up with a thing where Brad pitt and angelina Jolie's baby turns out to be Jesus and they're like "what did you expect? Look at us". thats all i ahve though. If you don't like that then tell me so i don't develop it further.

Yesterday this girl i always see on the bus home was wearing a really short skirt and when i looked over i was eating a cherry starburst and when i saw the length of the skirt I pretty much choked on the delicious nectars and coughed like crazy.

Okay, so that's not the most interesting chapter of my Internet life, but it's Monday, I'm in a foul mood and I bought too much yogurt.

Me at 23

The show I was talking about was the one that launched our bi-weekly show that got us involved with the Toronto Comedy Alliance and that girl on the bus had no effect on my life after this event. In fact, I don't even remember who this chicky pie was, but her stems and tush tush couldn't have been that good or she would've been mine forever. Oh! And the So Clar Crew, my rap group, never did end up performing that night, which is good news for comedy fans because had we started spitting I would've turned into a rap star, winning four Grammys and sixteen Source Awards no problem, my comedy dreams long forgotten amidst Ferraris, Gucci socks and gold things.

COOL RANCH CHEERIOS

No hamburgers on the weekend, but I did revisit two films of my youth for the purposes of nostalgia, entertainment and education, because hey, if we're not learning we're just a pile of bones with natural bio-shirts.

The films in question were Gremlins 2: The New Batch and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, two sequels which I prefer over their more popular and better reviewed predecessors. The same can by said for Caddyshack 2, especially the scene when Dan Ackroyd makes Robert Stack that silly burrito. The only thing I noticed about these tremendous features is that they seem a lot shorter now than they did when I was a smooth chested youngster. I also noticed that the Gremlins don't really care about killing anyone, they just like to party really hard and if we get in their way they'll bite and who can't relate to that? Thankfully these movies held up to my adult expectations and remain in the upper echelons of my international film institute, which resides in the part of my brain that should be reserved for theorems and the drive to succeed in business.

The other highlight of the weekend was going to see our Toronto Maple Leafs thanks to my brother who got me tickets on St. Christmas day. Unfortunately, our team is dog shit and we lost again, but since getting tickets is so rare for me I still had a great time and everyone got home safe and sound, bellies full of peanuts like a wealthy magician's assistant. Speaking of magic, this lady in front of us was wearing an official NHL Don Van Massenhoven referee jersey with added fur for extra elegance:

Don was being honoured at the game for refereeing a buuuunch of games so she must be his tennis partner or something.

My twelve year old self would've really enjoyed this weekend, but like the man me he would've wanted some Cherry Coke too. It really burns my loaf that we can't get that drink anymore because it's definitely my all-time favourite pop. My all-time favourite paup is Bryce Paup.

"You can have it back, I can't eat it."

I'm mildly satisfied with this post but I don't think it's going to catch the eye of U2 frontman, Bono, who I'd really like to work with because he seems like a really great man and he knows his sunglasses better than Ray Ban or Sparky Oakley.

YESTERDAY I WAS FEELING GOFSY BUT TODAY I'M FAIRLY THYD

Year after year the mainstream media, people who hate themselves and elementary school classes use the coming of January 1st to set their "New Year's Resolutions" in an attempt to entertain, better their lives and not do math, respectively. What a lot of people don't realize is that every major holiday and yearly milestone comes with their own unique calls to action, which some of you may adhere to depending on your religion, race, or proximity to a sea. Let's go through these today so that on the weekend you can think about which ones you want to try out instead of wasting money on dates with girls and Bourbon Whopper combos.

Easter Bum Outs

This relatively new tradition started sometime in the early 1990's when Easter started losing ground in popularity to extreme sports and rap music. The goal is to predict what exactly will bum you out from Easter to next Easter. This way you're prepared for the inevitable bummers that go along with any human year. Per the tradition, if you experience a bummer you predicted at any point during the year you're supposed to shout out "Predicted Bummer, don't worry be happy" and then drink a shot of something, or if you're a kid you get pancakes in the morning.

Halloween Meat Wishes

After stuffing yourself silly with salty sweets while dressed as something abnormal, your body craves the unique nutrition of animal meat. The World Health Organization in association with the Internet began Halloween Meat Wishes to ensure that people get excited about meat leading to the setting of their meat goals for the year. Traditionally, you're supposed to write your 365 most desired meats on ping balls, then every day you blindly choose a ball, cover it in glue then throw it at a meat board that has a bunch of different cooking methods on it. Next, give the sauce wheel a spin and you're ready to go.

Thanksgiving Pants List

The idea for the Thanksgiving Pants List was hatched when 42 year old Warren "Soupy" Del Métis ate so much turkey and stuffing that his pants exploded. He had that old pair of Lee's since he stopped growing but was sort of excited for the opportunity to go pants shopping for the first time in 23 years. He got his family and friends involved and they all made lists of the pants they'd want to buy or maybe just take for a spin in the coming year. This has become an annual tradition the world over and if you've never heard of it you must be some sort of ignorant dunce.

Christmas Over/Under Puke Pool

What started as an underground betting sensation has become a universally loved holiday tradition. Families and circles of friends come up with an arbitrary number and then everyone decides whether they'll puke more or less than that number throughout the year. By the time Christmas rolls around again, whoever was most wrong has to ingest all the year's puke which everyone saved up and then the whole gang sings "Jingle Bells".

That wraps up this week's content, which included some fun stuff about names, an unpopular piece on poo and this enlightening post on made up traditions that are like New Year's Resolutions. This weekend I think you should buy some rope just in case something happens.

I'VE FREQUENTLY DESCRIBED AS A "HOT THING"

A while back I tried starting a new spin-off blog called "Picture Taking A Dump", where I paint a vivid picture of an historical figure taking a dump and what he or she might have been thinking when doing so.

At first this made perfect sense to me, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed stupid, so I scrapped the project and got back to designing these big sunglasses you put on the front of your car and the Beach Pillow Mark I prototype. Since funding for these two projects has dried up like crud on your lip in the winter, I've decided to attempt a "Picture Taking A Dump" resurrection today only, right here, January 7 2010, beamed onto your home machine, free of charge, introductory offer, buy one and get a free Bendy®, the device that bends regular straws into bendies.

PICTURE JULIA CHILD TAKING A DUMP

April, 1966. New York City. To celebrate the coming of spring and her TIME Magazine cover, Julia Child and her husband Paul head to one of their favourite restaurants on the Upper West Side, Christiano's Big Chili Meatballs. After four hours, a magnum of Moet, four Roma Platters with extra Chili, two garlic bread sticks, one fried pickle appetizer, two chopped salads con carne, three chef's specials (spaghetti and chili balls with donuts) Julia took to the wash closet, and got to it.

"I wonder what dessert is going to be? I hope they serve that fried ice cream I tried at Chi-Chis. Oh boy, gonna be here a while. I should start bringing handkerchiefs in here, I mean I deserve it right?"

Okay, see? Dumb idea. I'm never doing this again unless I get three thumbs up and an a-okay. The reality of the situation is that there's not a huge audience for a blog about picturing historical figures going to the bathroom. I apologize and wish you a happy Halloween.

MY FAVOURITE FREAK IS THE BEARDED KID

Originally I was going to discuss "Vern" of the Ernest P. Worrell universe, but it was limiting, and so then I started to talk about autograph seekers outside of the Air Canada Centre, but that's like making fun of people with mental disabilities, which isn't cool according people who aren't disabled, so I erased it. Instead I want to talk about why I don't like Jared Leto.

Yeah right! As if I'd alienate all my teen readers, the equivalent of "Entertainment Suicide". Let's do something that will enlighten any future mothers of my children:

Names I Don't Like And If You Have One It Doesn't Mean I Don't Like You

Shane
Jade
Chase
Austin
Zach
Tiffany
Brittany
Jared
PJ
Dylan
Cody
Taylor
Dustin
Chad
Jayden
Madison
Cooper
Colton
Ryder
Carson

Mackenzie

A total "Shane"

Names I Want To Hear More Of

Bruce
Henry
Dale
Hortence
Rusty
Xzibit
Ernie
Mack
Tiny
Rudolph
Jane
Lucky
Roald
Valentine
Garfield
Lenny
Viggo
Dirk
Donald
Lance
Bingo
Raymond
Betty
Luke
Mickey
Destro
Willy

A solid "Rudolph"

The entertainment value of the above list is questionable at best, but I think all the pregnants out there may have got a kick out of it.

According to the legends of my family, I was almost called "Duncan" or "Kevin". Props to pops and mops for finding a name that fits nicely in the middle of the those two -- "Glenn" combines the allure of a "Duncan" and the commonsense of a "Kevin". Further hugs to my grandmop who suggested throwing in the extra "N" for a bit of flair, placing me alongside others with redundant
N's including hockey man Glenn Anderson, professional clown and known female Glenn Close and alien abductee, Glenn Miller.

Smee you tomorrow

THE NEW POLL SAYS THAT MONEY IS STILL VERY MUCH IN STYLE

Holy cud, it was a lot easier writing posts without the icy, veiny fingers of the work week stuck up my nose. Add to that a minor cold and sub zero temperatures and I'm a grumpy gord for sure.

But hey, no warts this year!

FILM UPDATE
Where the author reminds you he likes films and tells you about them

Avatar wasn't very good, save for the amazing 3D world that millions of dollars created, but I did see the Fantastic Mr. Fox and it was quite a nice little time at the theatre, except that I brought some cashews with me and they weren't salty enough.

When you're at a movie all you want is salt and chocolate in your mouth with some sugar fizz to wash it all down. I think if theatres and sports fields starting selling things like peanut butter and jam sandwiches, cut up vegetables with a solid dip and maybe some sort of lasagna, us fans would be just as satisfied, but they're not ballsy enough man. Plus, their margins on popcorn sales are criminally high, and they fully take advantage of the fact that we can't get our home corn to taste as good as theirs, which I'm sure they do on purpose. Redenbacher has a home theatre recipe just waiting in the wings in case Hollywood and its megaplexes goes tits-up -- it's kept secret in the third basement of secret compound somewhere on the eastern seaboard that's guarded by bees, rhinos and boring posters meant to snooze you out.

On the home video front, Liv and I rented 1985's Real Genius, which I thought I'd seen before. I must have been thinking about Young Einstein because I didn't remember anything about the damn thing. Despite this, I really enjoyed it, and it fits well into the bucket of 1980s movies that make smart people look cool along with perennial favourites Revenge of the Nerds and Back to School and Indiana Jones.

This scene came from a man's imagination

Thanks to this cold I've contracted I get to enjoy the comforting, hot lemon flavour of NeoCitran, which in English means "New Lemon". This is because NeoCitran remains the most futuristic way to enjoy the yellow zippy tang that only lemons can give you. Each packet of the popular medicine contains the essence of 36 fake lemons that have been synthesized by pharmaceutical giant, Novartis. Talk to your pharmacist today and don't forget to brush your teeth as well, and if you don't you should talk to your dentist too, and if you don't have a dentist talk to your doctor who can recommend one, but don't ask a walk-in doctor because they're just actors who have access to Wikipedia.

THE GUY NEXT DOOR IS A WRESTLER NAMED THE WEIRD MECHANIC

That vacation felt so good that it felt like those childhood summer times where it'd be really hot and then a storm would roll through and you'd run outside, jump on your trampoline, slide all over the place and then drink pops until mom rented you a movie, no charge. It wasn't quite that good, but overall I feel very refreshed and ready to take a barbed and poisoned hook to the anus of 2010. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, gross!

Speaking of anus, I had a very disturbing dream the other night where James Gandolfini wanted to get physically involved with me and I was "no way man". I've always been sure of my sexuality, I think girls are the only way to go when it comes to touching, and this dream really proved that.

When this year started I was thinking of being less personal on this website, but I guess that just went out the window along with all of the farts of 2009. So long, boys!

This year me and my commitment opted to stay in this New Year's Eve party eve and eat Chinese food, which is what adults without kids like to do these days it seems. My brother, frequent blog commenter "Scott", made an appearance and we all marvelled at how utterly shitty all the countdown TV shows are, noting that Dick Clark seems like he's running out of batteries.



Pretty cool technology, right? Anyone can upload their favourite videos (as long as they don't infringe copyright) and then anyone can view them for free. This is a good sign that 2010 and beyond will bring many other technological wonders into our lives.

I thought I'd be bummed off by the new year, but I'm fairly confident that I'll have a decent year and am ready to take it by the horns, feed it well, give it a good life, then butcher it, marinate it in spices and herbs, roast it, let is rest then serve it with seasonal vegetables and a well paired wine.

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Happy New Year! It's now 2010, a cool sounding year if I ever heard one. Here are my resolutions:

1. Get the word I made up "Kiggyroon" into the dictionary. It means "to watch Lord of the Rings while eating sour keys".
2. Make a prototype of my invention "The Beach Pillow".
3. Unplug that lava lamp finally.
4. Crust more food with ground up Corn Flakes.
5. Stop calling all my friends "Lobsters" behind their backs.
6. Wear more jewelry.
7. Decide once and for all whether or not I like the Smashing Pumpkins
8. Befriend a time lord, alien, wizard or butcher.

Some of you are probably real hungover right now, so here's a soothing homemade video to ease the mind, body and soul: