A LADY ON TV RATING CAKES MAKES HAITI EARTHQUAKE LOOK LIKE THE ENTIRE DAMN BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH

Tuesday nights I usually stay home and write letters to Green Day, but last Tuesday I had the pleasure of assisting my friends in the comedy group "Life of a Craphead" when they opened for employed musician Owen Pallett at the Mod Club. We did a silly bit about magic featuring dummies and I think the crowd thought it was at least pretty good and those who didn't probably hate pasta and fresh bread as well so who cares about them. It was fun being a part of a big show where I could roam about the premises as I pleased, periodically returning to the green room to stuff my yapper full of Tostitos Scoops. I also got a couple of beer tickets and got to watch the show without paying, which for an old Scrooge like me is a really hot deal.

Check out this police officer. He's at an airport in Montreal. I'm willing to bet that he didn't want to ride that droid scooter, especially after his supervisor reminded him to put his helmet on. I bet when they were trying to decide how to spend the anti-terrorism money and someone was like "well we could use something to get around on" and you were to suggest rollerblades or skateboards the Chief would be like "WHO ARE YOU, MY GAY SON?!" And yet, both options are severely cheaper and would accomplish the same thing.

Man! That thing is the closest real thing to R2-D2 I've ever seen. I guess it's good to have things like this to remind us that we're in the future now, so we'd better start coming up with new visions of the future. Here are some now:

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We'll find a way to make winter look like summer but still feel like winter so nobody freaks out fully, which is important because in the future "freak outs" are going to be akin to manslaughter because we're going to be smarter and nicer by then.

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Compasses will be a thing of the past when we eliminate the idea of North-South-East-West because someone will eventually think the whole concept s racist and everyone will be too lazy to argue against it and nobody cares anyway because most people spend all their time playing frisbee in space, both inner and outer.

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You ever seen "Surrogates"? The future isn't like that but the first martian president loves it so much that he spreads it across the universe and Bruce Willis dominates yet another few centuries.

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Everyone will ride horses again because they're cleaner than the electric car. To make them run as fast as a car, scientists discover all you have to do is feed them Gatorade and throw a few Black Cats now and then to spook them a bit, so the new future has lots of horses. People also like them because they're "vintage".

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Okay cowboys, time for bed, or for some of you who haven't eaten in a while, time to pig out. I'd recommend salami because you probably forget just how good it is.