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Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts

August 17, 2011

SIGMUND FRAUD

UPSIDE BACKWARD

A short story of neo-fiction


Mikk and Drip work for the city.

They've been best friends since the day they met, Marf 36th, 3045. Over the years they shared many interests - tubby girls, vintage silk, and finding the freshest produce in town. They'd share ripe Zengarn Apples picked fresh off the trees growing out of the side of the cat museum and talk about their future while pulling carrots from the toilet garden in the new mall powered by hugs. Back then it didn't really matter where they'd end up in life, as long as they were together.

They had originally applied to be garbage makers, but when the clerk saw they had filled out their applications using a sugarcane quill with blueberry ink, they were immediately flagged and sent to Zone West for a then top secret municipal project. Opportunities for young bucks fresh out of water school don't come around that often so the choice to stick around was an easy one.

Training took the better part of a lunch hour and by the time the fresh week began the two faux brauxthers hit the streets with new responsibilities, new equipment, new belts, and new names. Mikk took the name "Penis" after the great liberator who freed the basketball players 250 years prior. Drip always liked him name so he dropped the "D" and added a "P". The woman working down in name tags had never tingled as fiercely as that afternoon when Prip put in the request. His daddy used to say "If you make the girls tingle, soon they'll want your dingle".

Their first call came that same day when the Priest of Police himself rang their bell and alerted them to a hot spot at a nearby domed barn. It was dark. Training was always so well lit! Hearts pumped and sweat said hello as they cautiously made their way through the barn looking like Frankenstein when he went anywhere. When they smelled it they knew they were in the right spot.

Unnatural. Thick. Somewhat desirable, then very desirable. Right outta the guidebook. The Great Masters said anti-freeze tastes like a cool summer breeze, but that don't make it right. They proceeded blindly into a large chamber, whispers in the dark. A low level sizzle could be heard, but where was it coming from?

"By the order of the Mayor and all his birds, we order you to cease and turn some lights on."

Prip knew it was an empty statement, but rules are rules. Surprisingly, the suspects obliged and the chamber was alight.

Three men. Four men? No, seven. Seven men, two units, three shelves. The calculations seemed quick enough to Penis but before he knew it an eighth man had him upside down by his feet. Prip wasn't faring any better, as two men proceeded to drag him to the bigger of the two units. It wasn't rocket math to figure out what would happen next.

The shortest man in the bunch attended the active unit and removed an alloy cage from it, moving its brown contents onto what appeared to be toilet paper laid out on a platter. Penis recognized the spread from one of the visions they were fed in training - fried bird and potato fries. A Class 5 violation punishable to either death or hung feet first from a helicopter for three weeks straight. He went for his flasher but was quickly detained by his captors and led to the shelves where he saw boxes of Class 4 cocoa strips and some other illegals he didn't recognize.

They got fed fried chicken and candy (which is illegal in the future) and they loved it so they quit.

It's not done yet, but I didn't want to rob you of a satisfying conclusion. The future. Live well. The end.

January 14, 2010

A LADY ON TV RATING CAKES MAKES HAITI EARTHQUAKE LOOK LIKE THE ENTIRE DAMN BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH

Tuesday nights I usually stay home and write letters to Green Day, but last Tuesday I had the pleasure of assisting my friends in the comedy group "Life of a Craphead" when they opened for employed musician Owen Pallett at the Mod Club. We did a silly bit about magic featuring dummies and I think the crowd thought it was at least pretty good and those who didn't probably hate pasta and fresh bread as well so who cares about them. It was fun being a part of a big show where I could roam about the premises as I pleased, periodically returning to the green room to stuff my yapper full of Tostitos Scoops. I also got a couple of beer tickets and got to watch the show without paying, which for an old Scrooge like me is a really hot deal.

Check out this police officer. He's at an airport in Montreal. I'm willing to bet that he didn't want to ride that droid scooter, especially after his supervisor reminded him to put his helmet on. I bet when they were trying to decide how to spend the anti-terrorism money and someone was like "well we could use something to get around on" and you were to suggest rollerblades or skateboards the Chief would be like "WHO ARE YOU, MY GAY SON?!" And yet, both options are severely cheaper and would accomplish the same thing.

Man! That thing is the closest real thing to R2-D2 I've ever seen. I guess it's good to have things like this to remind us that we're in the future now, so we'd better start coming up with new visions of the future. Here are some now:

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We'll find a way to make winter look like summer but still feel like winter so nobody freaks out fully, which is important because in the future "freak outs" are going to be akin to manslaughter because we're going to be smarter and nicer by then.

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Compasses will be a thing of the past when we eliminate the idea of North-South-East-West because someone will eventually think the whole concept s racist and everyone will be too lazy to argue against it and nobody cares anyway because most people spend all their time playing frisbee in space, both inner and outer.

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You ever seen "Surrogates"? The future isn't like that but the first martian president loves it so much that he spreads it across the universe and Bruce Willis dominates yet another few centuries.

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Everyone will ride horses again because they're cleaner than the electric car. To make them run as fast as a car, scientists discover all you have to do is feed them Gatorade and throw a few Black Cats now and then to spook them a bit, so the new future has lots of horses. People also like them because they're "vintage".

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Okay cowboys, time for bed, or for some of you who haven't eaten in a while, time to pig out. I'd recommend salami because you probably forget just how good it is.

August 27, 2009

SOME NICE WORDS FROM OUR PRESIDENT - LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, HHEEERREEE'SSS GRANDMA

Last night I slept so soundly, and yet today I feel like a groggy goose, thus proving that too much sleep can be a detriment. In fact, I've been tired a lot lately. Maybe I have a disease, or maybe one of my vital organs is malfunctioning. Imagine the kind of medical technologies the future holds? I pretty much picture it being like this:

Bacta chambers and 2-1B Medical Droids

In the future there will be a bunch more body scanning for sure. Like if I were in the future right now, feeling consistently tired like I have been lately, I'd just go to my droid and get scanned and he'd be like:

"Systems normal. You need more iron though, Master."

And instead of eating kale for two weeks straight, I'd just take some sort of supplement or injection, like how they inject future drug "Nuke" in Robocop 2.

Does that mean we'll do away with doctors?

Not necessarily, but there definitely won't be as many. Those who go to normal doctors will kind of be like people today who eat only organic, local foods - it's kind of a good idea, but there are far more convenient options. Advanced technology will be to medicine as grocery stores were to dinner. Get it?

SILLY REAL INTERNET FOR YOUR LEISURE

Check out this real company. How has "Buttcon" stayed in business since 1979 with a name like that? If I were a business man and I had to choose between "Buttcon" and say a company like "Gold Trophy Inc.", the choice would be obvious. Buttcon must have the best damn salesmen in the biz. You want a challenge? Work for Buttcon.

"So why don't you want to do business with us? Gold Trophy has higher prices, terrible customer service and their president's name is Snake Murder."
"Ummm, I just don't think Buttcon is right for us."
"It's the name isn't it."
"Yes sir it is."

Slogans

Buttcon - Only our name is garbage
Buttcon - The good kind of Butt
Buttcon - Wouldn't you love to tell your friends about our name?

And there's one of my old favourites. I remember finding this when I was bored on the Internet, which I'm sure is where half of their traffic comes from.

Slogans

WE. ARE. BORING.
Work for us. Get a Boring career.
Get a Boring experience

Etc., etc.

HavE a siiiiickkkkkkkkkkkk ********* Thurzdei ::::::>>>>>>>
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