MERRY CHRISTMAS AND PLEASE DO MY LAUNDRY

LAST MINUTE GIFT IDEAS

Yeah right! You should be done by now. Why should I help you? The whole point of a gift is to thoughtfully acknowledge one's existence by providing them with a material item or experience relevant to their interests, hopes or dreams. I shouldn't have even had to explain that clearly you idiot. Since you've once again neglected to come up with ideas yourself I'm instead going to help the people who have to deal with your bullshit year in and year out. When faced with an asshole looking for tips, retort with one of more of the following:

"Who doesn't love nutrients?"

"Give them the gift of life"

"Last year's calendar had some really cute Wednesdays"

"Feel free to grind up parts of my Christmas tree. It will sort of look like weed, man"

"Does she like lingerie? It's easy to make your own out of J-Cloths"

"A can of soup can easily double as fake vomit"

"A single cigarette may start a love affair that will last a lifetime"

"Two words -- onions"

"Give her a new name. I thought of a good one -- Bist"

"I always go with something authentic from planet Earth"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but gravel is all over the place and is free"

"Make some ice and pretend it's a beautiful crystal. Then get the hell out of there"

Above all, Christmas is about roast birds and shiny balls hanging from a fat, sappy tree so don't sweat the gifts too much. HA. Not true. Christmas is 90% gifts, 10% visits.

If you're currently hiding in your closet to avoid Uncle Stewart's famous penis noogies, enjoy this collection of past holiday writings courtesy of this website and the Internet Movie Database.

DUCK DUCK DUCK

I LIKE ESPIONAGE AND ANYTHING CRISP

Now that my Christmas shopping is all done, I can get an early start on New Year's barfing and Family Day kisses. Liv and I generally like to keep our New Year and Family Day celebrations low key, so we generally combine them on January 27th and just sit around in our pajamas kissing while also barfing into each other's mouths. I usually drink a lot of Coke and eat lots of Rolos beforehand, while she chugs Gatorade and eats chicken wings, so that we each get our favourite kinds of puke. The couple that sprays together, stays together until one of them finds someone normal.

I have to work this week so I won't be telling you about lazy, fun holiday stuff like baking movies and watching cookies. Instead, my week will look and feel like this:

Whoa, check out that highlighter!

You guys know me pretty well by now, but if you don't because you happened upon this post by searching "barf kisses" in Google because that turns you on because your parents neglected you and your best friend was your dirty old dog who barfed all the time, you should know that I'm antsy. I got ants in my pants and an itch in my ditch. Combine that with my love of Christmas and being on holiday and you get one full dude who can't stop shakin' his leg anytime he smells pine boughs or sees a jolly old Sants in the local mall. So what's a boy to do?

My guru, who would like to remain nameless because his name is Lardy Puffsmear, recommended I try to forget about Christmas and instead concentrate on work and extra-curricular activities, while avoiding heavy screaming and extra cheese on things. I immediately got to work on a new political cartoon:


As per usual, I got great coverage, including a sweet spot on the front cover of the New York City News Machine Daily. Unfortunately, most readers were distracted by this month's FunShine Girl:

Mona, 35, was never the same after she returned from outer space. Her breasts started producing fruit punch and she claims she understands what birds keep chirpin' about. She loves to ski and hopes that there's a big technological development in scissors in the next 10 years.

Full disclosure, I was quite taken with Mona myself, and as soon as I was done wiping the sweat from the brow after picturing me and her hand in hand, shopping for jam at the market, I turned the page and saw a full page spread advertising a big Christmas sale -- 50% off all rubber -- and I was right back to being excited.

Last weekend I went to a party that served a whole pig and I also put together a treadmill.

REINDEERS GAMES ARE FUN UNTIL SOMEONE GETS PREGNANT

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Since I'm almost done all my Christmas shopping, I thought I'd help all you saps out with a helpful gift guide that will make your loved ones cry tears of greed as they ungratefully rip open each package without any regard for me, the guy who made the gift guide that led to the gift that led to the tears.

$10-$30

The Internet


Grandma might be good at making jam, but she knows nothing about the world's most popular everything, the Internet. Since she probably already has the hardware -- your old computer that's full of malware old university essays -- you should be able to get away with the most inexpensive subscription your provider offers. Plus, she won't even be able to tell if it's slow or even if it's working. In fact, you can can probably just get away with giving her a flashlight with some loose wires taped to it.

Batteries

The world is quickly being taken over by electronics, which will inevitably lead to PETA-approved, ethical cyber-zoos that will lead to robo-kid surrogates because no parent will want their child on the streets with the ever-present threat of escaped ape-bots. What do these life forms run on? Nope, not vinegar, and not even blood, but BATTERIES. Buy as many as you can now, because in 10 years they'll be worth more than go-karts. Plus, if there's a nuclear war I'm pretty sure batteries will become a form of currency along with old trophies and decent pens.

Shares in laser company


I'm not even joking about this. Look at the facts - tattoos are more popular than ever right now. What people don't seem to realize is that tattoos last forever, but most relationships and bands you think are cool, don't. I bet that in 10-20 years, the tattoo removal business will be so big that even Steve Jobs will get in on the action with a laser that can not only change colour, but also automatically download the latest Feist track to play while your skin gets burned off.

$31-$73

Beach Pillow
(image not available)

I've spent years developing my only invention, THE BEACH PILLOW that will make going to the beach a pleasant experience for once. I can't say too much because I haven't secured the patents yet and that no-good idea thief Weasel Lemky was spotted recently at the beach with a feather pillow glued to an umbrella, so I gotta watch out. When this thing is finally released, the demand will be so high that it will probably cost around $700, but if you pre-order this Christmas I'll give you a voucher for ONE beach pillow that will only cost you $50 and I'll throw in an autographed 8x10.

Earmuff


A lot of dudes dig ears. A lot of dudes dig girls. A lot of dudes dig sex with girls. Add that up and you have the ultimate male fantasy - the earmuff. For just $45.99, you get two pairs of earmuffs, a full-bottomed panty for the office and a g-string (pictured above) for the nights when you force your woman to wear something sexy for once.

$74 - priceless

Cat Chauffeur

I know, I know, you can get a cat chauffeur for way less than $74 nowadays, but most of them don't know how to work the horn and they rarely change radio stations, even during commercials. Today's premium cat chauffeurs know how to smoke and read magazines while waiting for you to finish dinner at the restaurant, and some of them can even say the word "hi". Buy now and receive a free chauffeur's hat, an adorable little Bluetooth earpiece and a 2 month subscription to Sirius/XM satellite radio.

Human child


Pregnancy is absolutely gross. Your favourite chick gets fat and starts whining all the time and then all this shit comes out along with slimy baby who won't shut up. When you want a new TV, you don't pull one out of your wife's privates, you go to the store, so why not do the same with a kid? I don't really know where you can get a kid for a decent price but if I were you I'd just ask around because most parents are looking to get rid of one or two around this time of year as the price of toys is utterly ridiculous these days.

BRANDON BRAND'S LEGO LAND RUBBER BAND BAND

The main character of this Internet site is now done his holiday commitments, and can proceed to enjoy a week off, supping on leftover hams and birds and just generally kicking it 100% hot style.

I had a great little Griswold Family Christmas, the major themes being homemade soups, partying, Avatar, gay aprons and being tired.

Because my family's house only has two extra beds, one of us kids has to sleep on a couch. I took the bullet on Christmas Day and it sucked blood so bad. It was minus 40 and the couch in the basement is unreasonably narrow. I woke up at 6:30 after falling asleep around 3:00 and then got into my parent's bed once they woke up and dreamed about aliens and when I was awoken by my dad, I was like "man, there were some good shots in that dream, I gotta remember those".

What do you mean gay aprons? My mom got me a new apron, thinking it was really manly because it has a bunch of cowboys on it. But she didn't notice that the cowboys are shirtless and ripped, thus making the apron suitable for people who like that kind of thing - girls and boy-girls. We all had a good laugh and enjoyed a running joke for the holidays, kind of like the worldwide favourite of farting three times at Christmas and saying "ho ho ho Santa farts oh yeah".

The actual piece. Gay or not gay?

I got some other great stuff including some cookware, clothes, chocolates, Leaf tickies, Leafs coat, books and rare spices and silks.

Jon and I tried to mobilize a mass Mississauga Avatar screening, and we succeeded to a point. It all broke down when we got to the theatre and realized that movie theatres are really busy on Christmas night. Two different groups of people ended up seeing two different shows and we didn't even get to IMAX that shit. Anyway, the movie was visually splendid but the plot was too much Fern Gully Dances With Wolves. Positive vibes though, and I still say you should see it in 3-D because the look of the think will plump your hot dog to perfection.



On Boxing Night we put on a comedy show for our friends and the show itself was loose, silly and scary. Not really scary, but you gotta put tension in your writing guys. We partied hard and successfully afterward, drinking beers and playing this game called Butt-Head where teams put on velcro hats and attempt to score points by throwing balls and having them stick on one of the hat's scoring areas. Sounds like Christmas right? Kid tested, Santa approved, Jesus lukewarm.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS UNLESS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE

Merry Christmas!

Did Sants visit your home?

Get off the Internet and go fill up the old man's egg nog, would you? Help out your mom and clean up!



HUG YOUR SISTER FOR ONCE MAN
Play with the dog everyone's sick of

Don't throw out the stuff at the bottom of the cereal box, give it to your cat

Just have fun today

PROM WARTS

Happy Ch'Eve all you former little babies.

2009 years ago, the Virgin Mary was super pregnant and pretty pissed that she was having a baby even though she never got to boing. Joseph got her some bananas and some cinnamon, which back then was like perfume, dessert and money combined, but she still wouldn't stop nagging until the next day when she had Jesus and these rich guys showed up with free stuff. In the spirit of the season and the spirit of end of year end lists, here are Mary's top ten complaints while waiting in a dirty old barn on Christmas Eve:


10. "Joseph! Can you find me an actual blanket, this sheep won't stay still."
9. "I think my water just broke... no, wait, it's just more pig piss seeping into my dress again. Joseph, I swear, I hate you so much right now"
8. "For the 15th time, Joseph, would you get that fucking owl out of here?!"
7. "It's so damn cold in here I'm scared my birth canal is going to freeze."
6. "You may be a good carpenter Joseph, but you suck shit at finding hotel rooms."
5. "For the last time, if it's a boy we're naming him D'Angelo and if it's a girl I like Toopsy."
4. "First I don't develop breasts until I'm 19 and now this. What's next? Arthritis? Fucking grey hair Joseph?"
3. "You're buying me a goat after this Joseph, you know that, right?"
2. "I hate my nose so much. My nose combined with your common sense? This baby doesn't stand a chance."
1. "So cold, so tired, I'm hallucinating Joseph, I can see the...I see the future! It's glorious... there's a king named Weird Al and a tome called The DaVinci Code. Uh, It's over. Now all I see is a shitty husband, three rosters and a pile of cow shit."

This is also post number 400, and I thank anyone who's ever read this thing and wish you all good tidings this holiday season. I leave you with one of my favourite holiday songs:

SHARE YOUR RAISINS LIKE THE HONOURABLE GRAPER YOU ARE

Your December 23rd Advent Chocolate looks like this:

But you left your calendar next to your hot TV and it melted so now it looks like this:

When you finally eat it, you turn invisible and immediately decide to take it here:

Where you meet:

And together you build:

Sorry for recycling old gags, but I'm at the point now where I don't want to do any kind of work until the holidays are over, and even though this isn't my job and it's fun, I'd rather be watching UHF with a bag of Crispers and a Dr. Pepper. Plus my holiday hasn't even started yet so it makes me want to be lazy even more.

Tomorrow is going to be post number 400, which is just in time for the best day other the Christmas, which is of course,"Ch'Eve". I'm not going to do anything special so don't cancel your plans if you're a fan. If you're not a fan and you're reading this because you were searching for a picture of grandmas in a pool then I welcome you and hope that your home country is in good financial, social, and scientific shape. Merry!

MY STOMACH TEST RESULTS ARE PEPTO DISMAL

This time of year I should be in a really good mood, because Christmas is slowly making its way down the highway, ready to pull into the garage where holidays live. But since I got back from my vacation I've been really scroogy because I have a lot of stuff to do before I get to relax with nogs and nuts and because I've been spending money like I was a successful anesthesiologist. I also lost my camera and a prescription drug that helps my butt. "Bummer" for sure man.

Forget about all that, right? C'est la vie? Yeah dudes. I should be very happy right now. I have a fun packed December, and I think I have a handle on Christmas shopping, despite only one actual purchase. It also seems that I have several New Years Eve party options, which can be a blessing and a curse. I like to spend New Years with my friends instead of throngs of strangers whose years I could care less about, and multiple parties means friends will be scattered like dung across a turnip field. Maybe this year I'll just stay in and order the biggest pizza possible and drink 10 root beers instead of 10 beers. Instead of champagne I'll drink chocolate milk and instead of singing that song I'll put on Purple Rain.

THIS JUST IN

I just called the National Air Force Museum and my camera has been found! The old guy sounded like he was old enough to be dead and was tough to talk to, but in the end he assured me it'd be back in my grasp in a few days. Now I can show you the legends of the trip, such as "girl at bar with big cans", the Huddle House and "Leaf game". Too bad I didn't have it in Chicago, because I would've taken a million pictures of those delicious sausages we ate so you'd barf with jealousy. I'll try to get some from my man Chuck because I want you to barf.

THINGS I WANT RIGHT NOW AS I SIT IN MY HOUSE THAT'S SO COLD

WHEN THE SUN RISES TOMORROW I'LL BE THERE MAKING THE MARSHMALLOWS

Beak Week has been canceled due to strong winds coming off Bart's Old Cream Place, which has somehow stayed in business for 76 years.

The bad news didn't thwart Burlington's the Green family from enjoying a post-festival beer and dog roast in Parking Lot R West.

The autumn holiday season officially comes to a close following a wild Remembrance Day, setting the stage for ultimate human holiday, and worldwide consumer phenomenon, Christmas. Do you think that if science somehow proved Jesus didn't exist that Christmas would be canceled? I think they'd probably just change the name or maybe find another person who was born that day and name it after them instead -- options include Jimmy Buffet, Alannah Myles, Annie Lennox, Sissy Spacek, Shane MacGowan, Dido and Swiss-born American dairy educator Otto Frederick Hunziker. That's very reassuring.

But it's never going to happen. Even if people were to prove that Jesus wasn't a magician, they won't be able to disprove that he was a solid guy who was nice to everyone and who died for everyone, even the assholes.

"Jesus, we're all pretty shitty, but you still like us just fine, what's the big deal?"
"I don't know, I just like all you guys."
"I'm a bad guy Jesus! I coveted my neighbour's wife Janice , I ate way too many berries yesterday and I stole a clay pot just because I was bored."
"Brutal Dan, just brutal. But don't worry, I forgive you man. I'm going to the garden to meet up with Judas for a bit."
"Oh, cool. I like that guy except for his haircut and his sandals."
"Yeah totally agree on the sandals. I like his haircut because it's daring."
"Fair ball Jesus."

Before I dig myself a really deep, uninformed religious hole here, I'd like to pass on this related story. I bet the real reason for this decision is the Vatican wants to make sure they're pro-alien in case an invasion happens. "Check out Earth's news alien king! We supported you and now we worship you. With our combined power and influence, we can rule the galaxy together as one. Let's call our team The Red Robots because you guys are futuristic and red is a popular Earth colour" - the Pope. Little does the Pope know that aliens will find more in common with the creatures of Earth's vast oceans, and will sink our landmasses creating an aqua kingdom with dolphin guards and sharks that wear turtles for helmets.

NEW LINKS ADDED

Check out Marmalade Comics, Jon Blair, and Inessa Frantowski, for comics about a cool dog, a blog by a cool dogg and a website by Inessa, who has probably petted a dog, I don't know for sure.