REINDEERS GAMES ARE FUN UNTIL SOMEONE GETS PREGNANT

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Since I'm almost done all my Christmas shopping, I thought I'd help all you saps out with a helpful gift guide that will make your loved ones cry tears of greed as they ungratefully rip open each package without any regard for me, the guy who made the gift guide that led to the gift that led to the tears.

$10-$30

The Internet


Grandma might be good at making jam, but she knows nothing about the world's most popular everything, the Internet. Since she probably already has the hardware -- your old computer that's full of malware old university essays -- you should be able to get away with the most inexpensive subscription your provider offers. Plus, she won't even be able to tell if it's slow or even if it's working. In fact, you can can probably just get away with giving her a flashlight with some loose wires taped to it.

Batteries

The world is quickly being taken over by electronics, which will inevitably lead to PETA-approved, ethical cyber-zoos that will lead to robo-kid surrogates because no parent will want their child on the streets with the ever-present threat of escaped ape-bots. What do these life forms run on? Nope, not vinegar, and not even blood, but BATTERIES. Buy as many as you can now, because in 10 years they'll be worth more than go-karts. Plus, if there's a nuclear war I'm pretty sure batteries will become a form of currency along with old trophies and decent pens.

Shares in laser company


I'm not even joking about this. Look at the facts - tattoos are more popular than ever right now. What people don't seem to realize is that tattoos last forever, but most relationships and bands you think are cool, don't. I bet that in 10-20 years, the tattoo removal business will be so big that even Steve Jobs will get in on the action with a laser that can not only change colour, but also automatically download the latest Feist track to play while your skin gets burned off.

$31-$73

Beach Pillow
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I've spent years developing my only invention, THE BEACH PILLOW that will make going to the beach a pleasant experience for once. I can't say too much because I haven't secured the patents yet and that no-good idea thief Weasel Lemky was spotted recently at the beach with a feather pillow glued to an umbrella, so I gotta watch out. When this thing is finally released, the demand will be so high that it will probably cost around $700, but if you pre-order this Christmas I'll give you a voucher for ONE beach pillow that will only cost you $50 and I'll throw in an autographed 8x10.

Earmuff


A lot of dudes dig ears. A lot of dudes dig girls. A lot of dudes dig sex with girls. Add that up and you have the ultimate male fantasy - the earmuff. For just $45.99, you get two pairs of earmuffs, a full-bottomed panty for the office and a g-string (pictured above) for the nights when you force your woman to wear something sexy for once.

$74 - priceless

Cat Chauffeur

I know, I know, you can get a cat chauffeur for way less than $74 nowadays, but most of them don't know how to work the horn and they rarely change radio stations, even during commercials. Today's premium cat chauffeurs know how to smoke and read magazines while waiting for you to finish dinner at the restaurant, and some of them can even say the word "hi". Buy now and receive a free chauffeur's hat, an adorable little Bluetooth earpiece and a 2 month subscription to Sirius/XM satellite radio.

Human child


Pregnancy is absolutely gross. Your favourite chick gets fat and starts whining all the time and then all this shit comes out along with slimy baby who won't shut up. When you want a new TV, you don't pull one out of your wife's privates, you go to the store, so why not do the same with a kid? I don't really know where you can get a kid for a decent price but if I were you I'd just ask around because most parents are looking to get rid of one or two around this time of year as the price of toys is utterly ridiculous these days.