HELMETS WERE ONCE HEAD THIMBLES

Toronto is in the midst of the warmest March in recorded history. No, really, I checked out the Hall of Records, which is a lovely Germanic-style vault located in the catacombs of the city's top ranked Subway franchise. The previous record was set in 1925 when the city's temperature reached a scorching 32 degrees Celsius due to a combination of a large, aggressive warm front as well as the unexpected eruption of the Hogtown volcano.

For you outsiders, the volcano was the sight of the final battle between Ken Toronto and David Brampton. Toronto was victorious and cast Brampton's golden shirt into the molten lava ending a decades old land struggle that started because of a stolen lemonade recipe. Anyway, by 1925 the 'cano was used mostly for sledding and BBQs, and by the fall of the next year, it was replaced with the Royal York Hotel.

But hey, if you wanted a history lesson you'd go read a KFC bucket, right?

Liv and I used the warm weather as a sign we should finally clean our place, which was beginning to take on the kind of smell produced when you leave an old lawnmower in a shed for awhile. Because of my hand injury, we hadn't cleaned in about 3 months, and I found enough crumbs in and around the couch to feed an entire poorly-catered, poorly-attended family reunion.

My most hated part of cleaning is mopping the floors because I'm never confident I'm doing it right. Is it: dunk, squeeze, on floor, squeeze, dunk OR is it dunk, on floor, squeeze OR dunk, squeeze, on floor, dunk, squeeze? Is there one right way or does everyone have their own style?

I shouldn't have even brought it up. There's a million better things to do in warm weather than clean. Take yesterday for example, I did laundry. That's still cleaning in a sense, but I think it's more akin to babysitting.

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I wrote all that yesterday, and today it's not as warm or nice so there's no point in furthering the conversation.

YOUR FRIDAY TREAT

Take off your tie, throw it in the pot and make yourself some Business Tea, it's Friday! To reward you for all your hard work I've put together this week's treat. Don't read it all in one bite.

This isn't even really a treat because it's probably not that interesting or funny to anyone who didn't create it or know us in high school, but here's a web site me and my best pals made back then:

http://www.angelfire.com/fm/mfo/index.html

My writing style hasn't changed all that much except I don't swear as much, nor do I accuse everyone in the world of being some variation of a "ball licker". It was the style back then, it wasn't my fault.

DIGGING THIS NEW CORN ALBUM

To all those who were waiting on the edge of their seat all week to find out whether or not I cleaned oil residue off the top of a cabinet in my kitchen -- I did! I used the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, which is basically a nice, heavy piece of foam. So it wasn't magic, it was foam. But I gotta say guys, it was very satisfying to clean something that I could've got away with never cleaning. I had this incredibly sadistic image in my head of us moving out and the next tenants coming in, checking the top of the cabinet to see if we left any gold up there and cursing us for never cleaning it. I'm not that kind of guy though, I'm a liker, not a lover and not a fighter, but a nicer. At the end of the day I'm just a man who is willing to clean up his mess so others don't have to unless I don't like the other or the mess is poo.

The real question is: how do I prevent this from grease slick from happening again? I don't want to clean grease like that again because it had all my most hated feels - sticky and oily. And no, doctor, I'm not going to stop cooking with oil and frying bacon because I like the sound of sizzles and milk just doesn't do it for me. Actually, I love milk. I don't drink enough of that stuff. Ever since they stopped running those ads that framed milk as a magic elixir that turns frumps into babes and dumps into hunks I haven't really felt the urge. But damn, that stuff is the most refreshing white drink around so long as it's cold and not old.



I hope that by watching that you're enjoying this new paragraph with a cool glass of beef milk. The topic of this baby is Jackass 3D, a new movie that I saw on Saturday. What a nice little time at the theatre! The immortal words of Timothy Leary really help to describe the experience - "Turn on, tune in, drop out". First, the movie is turned on, then you tune in on all the funny stupid things then drop out of your seat laughing at farts, dicks, injuries, poo and barf.

And how about MAD MEN??? See, I'm no philistine. I love poo movies AND critically acclaimed television from a guy named Weiner. If Mel Gibson ever does a one man show or a Joaquin Phoenix style faux documentary or even some sort of an album, it should be called "CRITICALLY ASHAMED". Anyway, MAD MEN? How about the stunning Jessica Pare? I was in the Montreal Fringe Festival in 2003 or something, where she co-hosted the awards ceremony and having already seen her breasts several times and being a fan of her face, my heart went boi-oi-oing. I thought that when she ended up in Hot Tub Time Machine as "naked tits in hot tub", her career was shot, and now she's Don Draper's wife, which is one of the top female fantasies going today. Others include:

- Being Oprah's Gayle
- More singing in sports
- Being Kate Winslet
- Sexts from Brett Favre
- Purse tester

Am I right, ladies?

I know more about women than Jonah Hill knows about the Burger King menu.

I know so much about women, that when I go on a date I can go to the bathroom for 15 minutes and not even care.

I make Hugh Hefner look like a regular Hugh.