PROM WARTS

Happy Ch'Eve all you former little babies.

2009 years ago, the Virgin Mary was super pregnant and pretty pissed that she was having a baby even though she never got to boing. Joseph got her some bananas and some cinnamon, which back then was like perfume, dessert and money combined, but she still wouldn't stop nagging until the next day when she had Jesus and these rich guys showed up with free stuff. In the spirit of the season and the spirit of end of year end lists, here are Mary's top ten complaints while waiting in a dirty old barn on Christmas Eve:


10. "Joseph! Can you find me an actual blanket, this sheep won't stay still."
9. "I think my water just broke... no, wait, it's just more pig piss seeping into my dress again. Joseph, I swear, I hate you so much right now"
8. "For the 15th time, Joseph, would you get that fucking owl out of here?!"
7. "It's so damn cold in here I'm scared my birth canal is going to freeze."
6. "You may be a good carpenter Joseph, but you suck shit at finding hotel rooms."
5. "For the last time, if it's a boy we're naming him D'Angelo and if it's a girl I like Toopsy."
4. "First I don't develop breasts until I'm 19 and now this. What's next? Arthritis? Fucking grey hair Joseph?"
3. "You're buying me a goat after this Joseph, you know that, right?"
2. "I hate my nose so much. My nose combined with your common sense? This baby doesn't stand a chance."
1. "So cold, so tired, I'm hallucinating Joseph, I can see the...I see the future! It's glorious... there's a king named Weird Al and a tome called The DaVinci Code. Uh, It's over. Now all I see is a shitty husband, three rosters and a pile of cow shit."

This is also post number 400, and I thank anyone who's ever read this thing and wish you all good tidings this holiday season. I leave you with one of my favourite holiday songs: