DUNSTAN CHECKS IN AND THEN ANIMAL CONTROL IS CALLED

SPORTS ROAD TRIP RECAP DESCRIPTION WITHOUT PERSONAL PHOTOS PART 2

Why not no photos? Well guys, on our way to Chicago post Columbus, we saw a billboard for the National Air Force Museum and just had to stop because airplanes with guns and missiles attached to them are things that a car full of males enjoy. The place is enormous, with 4 giant hangars packed full of winged war machines that make dudes say "oh baby". They have everything there -- an SR-71 Blackbird, the plane that dropped the bomb on Nagasaki, an F-22 Raptor and a couple of cockpits you can sit in and flick switches until your hand falls off.

This guy isn't me or my friends

We had such a good time that 3 out of 4 of us bought cool hats, which we then modeled for a photo op in the parking lot. Chuck handed me my camera back and then somehow I lost it somehow. I'm not mad about losing the actual device, but rather the memories inside its computer brain, including proof of that weird babe in Columbus and a nice snap of the Huddle House.

In any case, we powered ahead to Chicago, home of comedians, hot dogs, big pizzas and good fountains. We stopped off at Cracker Barrel on the way for some disgusting food that no one should ever eat and I had chicken and dumplings that was like chicken mixed with wet mounds covered in white snot.

This is exactly what I had, except replace the macaroni with puke coloured, severely overcooked green beans.

Arriving in Chicago, we checked into the Hotel Blake, which seemed like a really good hotel. But it was all a facade, as our Internet, phone and iPod docks didn't work. Luckily, the beds, TV and bathroom worked just fine.

We went to get deep dish pizza at Lou Malnati's for a late dinner, which was delicious, but completely knocked us out, stopping us from partying like we did the night before in Columbus. We were also confused by the gross bathrooms that had shit on the floor in an otherwise nice restaurant. If you think I've talked about shit too much during these recaps, you wouldn't have wanted to be on the actual trip where it was probably the number one topic next to "gravy".

The next day we saw some sights including that reflective bean and the Sears tower, which confirmed my recent suspicion that I have a fear of heights. I managed just fine without freaking out, but had we stayed any longer than we did my thoughts of the building collapsing under me might've led to a fainting, a sweating or just straight up pissing my pants.

After that I convinced the fellas to take the trip to "Hot Doug's" a hot dog and sausage restaurant that was featured on No Reservations once. We had to wait in line for about 1.5 hours, which a fellow line waiter said is short compared to its busier days. We took turns walking around the neighbourhood and peeing in alleys until it came our turn to enter into meat heaven. I had a Foie Gras and Sauternes Duck Sausage with Truffle Aioli, Foie Gras Mousse and Sel Gris, a Chicago-style dog with everything on it and an order of fries cooked in duck fat. It was every bit as delicious as you're thinking right now and I was so full I didn't feel like eating for 24 hours after that.


We then hit the Bulls-Raptors game, which the dinosaurs dominated from the start, making for a fairly dull basketball match. After that we went to a club full of loose women, then went to bed and came home the next day. Our last meal was at a Michigan Arby's where more garbage was eaten in a space shared with a pregnant teen and her baby's daddy, a fitting end to a journey through the mid-western United States.

I feel weird recapping a trip like this because I don't even know if it's something people want to read about. It's kind of selfish in a way, but I guess the whole blog industry is. I hope you came away with it with some good travel tips and enough mentions of poo poo to last through the week.