THERE'S SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WHO EATS WORTS AND NONE OF HIS FRIENDS EVEN KNOW

HOLIDAY MOVIE PREVIEW

If you're bored and have a few extra nickels in your change sock, you'll inevitably end up at the film barns this holiday season. To save you time I'm about to preview a few movies that the "Hollywood Machine" is currently trying to trick you into seeing. If you don't like any of them, just remember that the best Christmas movie of all time is "Ernest Saves Christmas", which can be viewed on YouTube free of charge provided you have Internet access, a computer, and the willingness to view the most accurate portrayal of the legend of Santa Claus that's ever been put on film, all anchored by the funniest character in the business from 1987 - 1991.

AVATAR

"The pizza room is over there next to my John Lennon impersonator. He'll ask you for the password before you can go in. The password is 'Pregnant Bitch'."

Avatar is a highly anticipated blockbuster from Titanic survivor, James Cameron. The big buzz surrounding this film about blue elves fighting against big bots and cigar chomping Americans, is that is uses technology never before utilized by anyone ever. This sounds good, but if history has taught us anything it's that big technological leaps can lead to some pretty bad stuff like nuclear weapons, terminators, the SkyDome, Tron and the death of the quill.

Even though I'm looking forward to this film like a mechanic looks forward to a meatball sub, I'm cautiously optimistic because the battle sequences looking frighteningly similar to those in Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace. But I did see "Beowulf" twice in theatres in 3D and if Avatar is at least that good then I'll be happy.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

I hate cowboy hats more than I hate dogs

Studios like to make movies that appeal to the most people possible -- unfortunately, most people are stupid, which leads to films like this one. So far as I can tell it's about a couple from the big city who somehow end up in the country and have trouble fitting in, which sounds shockingly similar to the plots of 67% of major motion pictures. I don't really have a problem with Hugh Grant or Sarah Jessica Parker Broderick Bradshaw (who gave me one of my earliest boners thanks to her free swingin' character in 'L.A. Story'), but I do have a problem with dog shit.

Also, Liv noticed that the trailer features not one but TWO hilarious run ins with wildlife, the current must have gag in any romantic comedy. Between that, the plot and Hugh Grant, this is just about as typical as you can get for rom coms, which by default are terrible to guys like me who like Ernest movies.

The Young Victoria
I'm more interested in the story of that crown and those scepters

The main reason I hate period pieces is because in 1994 when I was a boy of twelve, this guy I knew somehow convinced me to see "The Madness of King George" in theatres. It was Oscar season and he was a big time film buff and wanted to check it out because it was getting award buzz. I've been bored more times than I can remember, but sitting through that movie easily makes my top 3 most bored of all time moments. We were the youngest people in the theatre by about 60 years, and all I remember is trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't because I can only sleep at night.

So I wouldn't recommend this movie unless you're well over the age of 12, enjoy boring things, and love the "Best Costume" category at the Oscars.

In conclusion, go see movies, but don't eat a Taco Bell Black Jack taco before, because you don't want to have weird diarrhea in the middle of it.