IF GLOBAL WARMING GETS REALLY BAD I BET THE SECRET LIES IN TREES

Hey lids, I'm back from my trip down the highway and into the place that football fans love most, the United States. The whole thing was a smushing success, as we came away with some fun stories, great memories, stomachs full of white gravy and two rare victories from our favourite Toronto franchises. The only downside is that I lost my camera, but thanks to the Internet I can seamlessly integrate found images to use as visual aids.

Me, Chuck, Andrew and Matt leave Toronto in a Honda Accord, headed for the land of the free and of the bacon cheeseburger

When we hit the road we vowed to eat the worst food possible, which is really easy to do in America because most restaurants offer several fried, gravy smothered options. We lucked out at our first stop in Ohio, finding the now legendary "Huddle House", whose food was so damn gross, one of our travellers stole as many napkins as possible just in case a roadside "d" was in the cards. Was he being a little too cautious? Check out what he ate and then decide:

The Southern Smothered includes:

Hearty helping of two biscuits

Hash browns

Sausage or bacon

Smothered in gravy

Topped with cheese

He ate all of it really fast. It's easy to be scared of shitting your pants when what you eat is already diarrhea. We washed this gross food down with "Sweet Tea" that was so thick and sugary it would be more likely to give someone dying of thirst diabetes far before refreshment. I love beverages and I didn't even come close to finishing it.

The poo-mergency never materialized and we made it to Columbus, a city whose downtown in dominated by jails, courthouses and bail bonds. The city's "Arena District" was more pleasant, with a spattering of bars and restaurants situated around an arena, duh.

Our seats were in the second row, but since no one in Columbus knows that hockey is cool, we were able to slide down the row 1 against the glass and support our Maple Dudes up close and personal. We ended up winning 6-3 and had so much fun that we decided to celebrate by drinking more beers, ending up at this hockey bar called "R Bar" where we threw popcorn at each other and met this hammered lady named "Kimber". Her finance was too and after talking to them for a bit, they invited us to this bar they work. Since the rule of vacations is to "live for the story" we went with them.

The man, "Jack" was driving and a couple of us were weary that perhaps this guy had been drinking, but our fellow travellers and "Kimber" ensured us it would be fine. Since cars can't fit six people comfortably I lay across my friend's laps and we were off into the unknown.

Things were fine until the guy started taking some really wide turns very aggressively, which we figured was because he was having fun entertaining his new, foreign friends. But when we stopped at the bar and he ran out to puke outside, we knew that we probably shouldn't have got in that car after all. We went in the bar anyway, because we were in the middle of nowhere, and had some drinks alongside these Samoan thugs who ended up being pretty nice. Things got really strange when this woman wearing a red business suit came around with her shirt open, showing the whole place her bra-encased tee-tees for all to see. Our single friends immediately moved in, with one being semi-successful, obtaining a phone number and some personal information. Why she was walking around with her shirt open is still a mystery, but I think it had something to do with self-confidence.

When we got back to the hotel we all got in a fight and made a big mess. And that was day one. Come back tomorrow for more information on Chicago.