MY STOMACH TEST RESULTS ARE PEPTO DISMAL

This time of year I should be in a really good mood, because Christmas is slowly making its way down the highway, ready to pull into the garage where holidays live. But since I got back from my vacation I've been really scroogy because I have a lot of stuff to do before I get to relax with nogs and nuts and because I've been spending money like I was a successful anesthesiologist. I also lost my camera and a prescription drug that helps my butt. "Bummer" for sure man.

Forget about all that, right? C'est la vie? Yeah dudes. I should be very happy right now. I have a fun packed December, and I think I have a handle on Christmas shopping, despite only one actual purchase. It also seems that I have several New Years Eve party options, which can be a blessing and a curse. I like to spend New Years with my friends instead of throngs of strangers whose years I could care less about, and multiple parties means friends will be scattered like dung across a turnip field. Maybe this year I'll just stay in and order the biggest pizza possible and drink 10 root beers instead of 10 beers. Instead of champagne I'll drink chocolate milk and instead of singing that song I'll put on Purple Rain.

THIS JUST IN

I just called the National Air Force Museum and my camera has been found! The old guy sounded like he was old enough to be dead and was tough to talk to, but in the end he assured me it'd be back in my grasp in a few days. Now I can show you the legends of the trip, such as "girl at bar with big cans", the Huddle House and "Leaf game". Too bad I didn't have it in Chicago, because I would've taken a million pictures of those delicious sausages we ate so you'd barf with jealousy. I'll try to get some from my man Chuck because I want you to barf.

THINGS I WANT RIGHT NOW AS I SIT IN MY HOUSE THAT'S SO COLD