ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER HAIRCUT, ANOTHER YEAR WITH NO GARDENING

Per the custom, I'd like to end the year by thanking our 2009 sponsor, Stripes' Original Toy Horse Wheelchairs out of Dundalk, Ontario.

And since it's now official you can all breathe a sigh of relief, as I just inked a new deal for 2010 with Ike Stripes, President and CEO of the company. If you have a toy horse and it's not injured enough to kill for glue, give Ike a call and he'll set you right up. Buy today and get a free cassette tape of the Dundalk Legion Pipes and Drums doing all your Scottish favourites including "Sand in my Kilt" and "The Lass Loves to get Partied".

2009 Year in Review

PROFESSIONAL

I continued to casually search for a new job again this year to no avail. But I did take steps toward something by taking an advertising class at Humber, which I dominated. I think I've learned that you can't just set a deadline to find a new job, you just kinda have to go with the flow and wait for an opportunity or go out there and give it 110% and create opportunities which is the toughest part of job meat. You stew that meat slowly and it'll become tender, so take your time and do some activities while you wait.

PERSONAL

2009 was another banner year on the personal front, with no tragedies and no emotional rollercoaster rides. I still have a woman and an apartment, and in 2009 I got to know Liv's family a bit better. They're all well made humans, from top to bottom, brain to toes. My brother and sister moved closer to me, so the Macaulay Clan has strengthened its stronghold on Queen West and we all look forward to taking down the McInnis' when we meet in the highlands for our annual battle.

My stomach problems persisted this year, which my mom keeps reminding me is "something I have to live with". I think I have learned to live with it for the most part, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to stop complaining about it or making myself feel better by bringing it out into the open.

RECREATION

I had another good year of writing this blog and doing comedy, although in the middle of the year I got kind of frustrated and was thinking of not doing it any longer. But thanks to the encouragement of my friends and because I love doing it, I'm still getting up and trying to make people laugh whether by myself or with Andy as part of Jet Fighter Pilots. We opened for Scott Thompson this year, got some new costumes and did some fun shows, but we still don't have a real plane, so if you have one for sale, let us know.

I think I've taken steps to alleviate the stress of growing up and I think I may be coming up of my quarter life crisis slowly. Me and some dudes are looking to get organized in terms of writing and producing some new comedy stuff and I figure as long as I work hard, I can't be upset at my progress. The 2010 slogan is going to be "If you're at a pet store, you might as well buy a frog", which I think speaks for itself.

Now with the final word on 2009, a year which I attended many sporting events, I am honoured to introduce our year end celebrity guest, Wade Boggs.

Hey Sluggers! Your old man, Daddy Wade here. I'm sorry I didn't send you any gifts this year, but my powerboat needed new decals and it was my other family's turn for new pants. I know I didn't see you guys at all, but trust me, I'm the same as I was at the end of 2008 -- my moustache remains, I still wear Reeboks no matter what and I haven't lost my lucky screw yet, so really you didn't miss anything. Hopefully you listened to me and didn't change at all, because I did warn you that I probably wouldn't see you in 2009.

Hey Wade, sorry to interrupt, but do you have anything you'd like to say to everyone out there and not just to your estranged children?

No no no, I wasn't talking to my kids, I was talking to my ghostwriters, Tom Clancy and Franklin W. Dixon. We've been working on my autobiography for six years now.

When's it going to be released?

We're aiming for an early 2006 release.

How's that going to work?

By the time this mother is done, time travel will be as common as burgers and fries and the publishing world is going to be a totally different industry. My book will be the first released prehumously.

That sounds ridiculous, and by the way, Franklin W. Dixon is a pen name referring to several different authors.

Holy shit you're annoying. The guy isn't the guy who wrote the Hardy Boyds, it's a different guy, and trust me, my Franklin W. Dixon is not only a better author, but he also makes a better Swordfish Picatta, my favourite dish.

Is there anything you want to add before you leave?

Yeah sure, um, let's see, okay, if you're writing an autobiography don't be scared to make some stuff up. For example, in real life I was a ball player, but in my autobiography I'm a plumber because everyone likes hearing stories about the yellows and browns if you know what I mean. Also, if you happen to visit Shanghai in 2010 take a peak around and see if you can find my watch. I lost it there last year. It's black, digital, and if you press all the buttons together a parachute pops out just in case. Thanks guys!

Thanks for reading in 2009 everyone. Who the hell knows what will happen in 2010, year of the bat? I'll probably get balder, older, more wise, less whiny and more dangerous because you never know when you'll learn karate.

Regards,