September 24, 2008


Disclaimer to women: Every time I say "babe", just picture a hunk instead. You'll see what I mean. I forgot to make this quest unisex, so I appologize. There's nothing I can do about it now, so just forget about it. Lay off. Stop being so serious all the time.

You're taking a walk with your cousin in the woods near the berry patch. You each have a basket, full to the brim with the most delicious assortment of summer berries you've ever seen. Your aunt is at home warming a pot to make her special summer's day fruit jam and you both couldn't be happier. When you reach the old rabbit trail, a bully from your school named Scum Friar jumps out and threatens your life with a big cool axe with goo all over it.

"Hey you zit, stay off my trail or I'll kill you fuckin' ass with my blade," says Scum.

"Take it easy! I can be here if I want. Old man Groolidge owns these lands and he's friends with my grandpa, so I can trek these trails any time I desire," you reply.

Scum comes over to you like he's going to kill you.

If you run away and leave your cousin click here and proceed to section A1.

If you face your fear face your fear face your fear and decide to defend yourself, click here then proceed to A2.


Okay so that picture is you as a baby running away. Fairly straight forward right?

When you get home your aunt asks where you cousin is. You lie and say that he split with his pals and that you think they were going to go drink in the pear groves. Your aunt gets pissed and goes out looking for your cousin. She finds his head cut off in the middle of the trail, but since your aunt is really a witch, she's actually kind of happy and makes a strong stew out of the head for dinner that night. Since you're sleeping over, you eat your cousin's head in the stew and have jam covered biscuits for dessert.

"Hey aunt, when's Terry coming back, did you find him?" you ask.

"Let's just say, he's headed home right now," she answered.

"Why did you emphasize 'headed'?"

"Shut up kid. Whatever. Stay out of my business and I'll stay out yours, idiot. Didn't you like that stew? Holy shit, I thought it was pretty good. I added tumeric this time. Gave it that yellow colour. Man, sometimes you really bother me you know?"

If you decide to say something smart to your aunt, click here and proceed to B1.

If you keep your mouth shut and enjoy the rest of your stay, click here and go to B2.



That picture is you and Scum fighting. You weren't doing very well until the Spirit of the Forest heard your screams and sent the Oak Guardian (that totally hot babe) to help you. She kills Scum and eats his heart right in front of you.

"Thanks a lot lady, you really saved my skin," you said.

"Fear not scrote, all is well in the forest once more. Let us sup on berries and then have sex. I know where there's this mossy clearing. So comfortable."

Just then you hear the sound of police sirens.

"Ah shit, the cops. We'll be okay though, right? You're not even real," you say to the Oak Guardian.

"I'm fucked. Did you see what happened back there? I ate the guy's heart! This is serious shit," she replied.

The police release dogs into the forest so you run up a tree.

If you wait it out up in the tree, and hope that the Oak Guardian will still be around when everything's cool so you can bang her, click here and go to C1.

If you get antsy and turn her in to the cops, click here and go to C2.



That's a picture of your aunt kissing you. Not only did she turn you into a horse, but she's also in love with you, which is weird enough. You live to be 237 years old and become the world's most fantastic horse, even though your aunt loves you, which you get used to. You're rewarded a Grammy for best Adult Pop compilation in the year 2089 for your work with Michael Jackson's son Blanket's daughter who's name is VaVoom Jackson. Not bad.



Your aunt likes your improved attitude and materializes these two chicks just for you. They end up being boring, and when you ask what their favourite movie is, one of them says "Seinfeld?" You end up kicking them out the next day because they complain there's no air conditioning. You ask your aunt where your cousin is again, and she decides to cut off your fingers because she warned you not to bring it up again. She uses the fingers in a spell that was supposed to turn all the leaves in the forest black, but if backfires and instead her liver explodes. You inherit the cottage and make friends with this guy named Bontar, who's been hunting your aunt because he hates witches. You harvest all sort of stuff and sell fresh bread along the old road. You read a lot but miss video games.



Oak Guardian ends up killing the entire police force using the power of nature and some karate too. You end up doing it on the moss, which was as good as you thought it would be. After, Oak Guardian makes fresh maple syrup and gets all the chipmunks to make a healthy meal to go with it, including nuts, berries, leaves and some neat wood that tastes really good. This picture is you at your wedding at Univesity and Dundas in Toronto. You're brought into the realm of the forest spirts and your new name is Planthon Nettlebush. You're new job is to make sure that all the strawberries in the land have enough seeds on them. It kind of sucks, but Oak Guardian is the best damn lover in the forest.



Oak Guardian does just fine handling the police force without you, but she gets really mad that you bailed. Instead of going back to your aunt's house, you go back home to your regular life and decide to generally follow your dreams. The only trouble is that every night Oak Guardian sends you visions (like the picture) and says stuff like, "You bailed on me you dick. You could've been my prince. Here's my butt in your face to remind you of just how hot I am. I'll be back tomorrow to remind you again."


How was that?

I lost interest toward the end. It got kinda weird didn't it?


Just Maintain said...

Kinda, but I like how if you stick to your guns you dominate the bully and get to bone.

Duke of Spook said...

Yeah! They should publish this story in public schools to teach kids how to stick to their guns

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