ICE CREAM CROHN'S

Congratulations to Linger Dalhoploff! He earns the title of BEEF BEAST this month after successfully solving the Steak Enigma during Sunday's Beef Blast. You can pick up your scepter at Thursday's Au Jus social held this week at Wings, Things, and Fries restaurant.

With that we come to the real news of the day, which is that I just purchased a brand new copy of EA Sports' NHL 11. You know what's funny about life besides pubes? When you're a kid you base your entire year around school, your birthday, Christmas and summer vacation. Once you become smart enough to not go to school anymore, and humble enough to give, rather than receive, your calendar changes drastically, along with your body and preference of chocolate bar. When September strikes nowadays, I don't think about school, but rather hockey video games. If you were to go back and read posts from the last couple of years, this would become evident, along with the fact that I've been consistently producing the world's top website on all things Glenn Macaulay.

If you read this consistently, you'll find that year to year my life remains kind of similar:

January - I party with my friends on New Year's
February - I complain a whole lot about weather
March - I complain a whole lot about weather
April - My birthday
May - I complain a whole lot about weather
June - I complain a whole lot about weather
July - I get out of town as much as possible
August - I get out of town as much as possible
September - Buy NHL
October - Figure out Halloween costume
November - I complain a whole lot about weather
December - Christmas

(I promise this will be the last time I list months and talk about them.... UNTIL NEXT MONTH AHAHAHAHAppyGilmorEHEHEHEHEHEHE)

Just follow this template if you wish to become the next me, and this time maybe be more aggressive with networking, because networking is a go-getter's AK-47 and confidence and drive are the bullets and power lunches are the cool leather strap, right?

Don't worry though real me, the first three quarters of 2010 have shown high returns on fun and memorable experiences, while stomach discomfort and waves of blahs have decreased substantially. I eat tomatoes again!

PHONE UPDATE

See this jpeg image? It's me. In my office. TAKEN ON MY PHONE. I know, I know, "Ancient Feature", but I've slowly learned to appreciate the phone I so callously described as "dog shit". I guess it's still shitty, but I finally got a data plan and can now surf the web from any toilet in the world.

Let's review - do you think I should've named all the above months the silly names I used last week? I was going to, but I don't think enough of you read this consistently, and the last thing I want to do is confuse you....

"In two months I'll be ready to bear a child"

CANADY DRIED

CONSUMER REPORTS

I don't like buying things because things cost money and money is hard to come by if you're not someone who knows how to come by it easily. The other week I unhinged this anti-consumerist philosophy and got a new phone, even though I didn't really have to pay for it. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT

It's one of those phones that has the Internet on it, and since I'm a Scrooge McMan, I opted out of a data plan because I find it unnatural doing computer things outside in nature where technology isn't the main man. Anyway, whenever anyone plays with this new phone of mine, they end up signing me into Twitter by accident because this phone does everything in its power to get you on the Internet, making it as easy as pushing the "up" button, and now I owe a whole $13.50 for two weeks of accidental use.

So don't get this stupid phone unless you decide to pay for a data plan and have no problem being forced into being connected to social media all the damn time. I really just got it because it had a keyboard and the OPTION to use these applications if I ever find myself not satisfied with the amount of time I already spend on the Internet in the comfort of my home and workplace. And don't ask me if you can see it, because I won't let you, not based on you and your gross hands, but based on the diamond eating fat cats who designed this phone to suck as much dough as they can out of men like me and women like women who buy phones like me.

CHINESE FOOD REPORTS

Yesterday we got Chinese Food and I wanted it so bad that after I called I was watching the clock like a modern teen watches a hippie watch a rainbow on the computer. So yeah, I was sitting there with ants in my pants and I thought I'd be okay because "The Great Outdoors" was on TV. It didn't help though, and so I sat wiggling for 45 minutes and could barely contain myself when the man with the food finally arrived. I bought way too much hot and sour soup though. Anyone want some? Come on, free soup.

BACHELOR PARTY REPORTS

I went to a strip club on Saturday for the first time in years, and nothing much has changed. Girls dance on a stage and strip their clothes off while men drink and try to figure out how to get a girl to have sex with them next time they see a regular one.

BLOG POST REPORT

I don't know about this one. I think I'm so complainy because it's Monday, which everyone hates because it thinks it's so cool. Whatever to you Monday, I'm way cooler -- I know every Nirvana song on guitar and I have more than three pairs of shoes. Next time we speak (me and you, not me and Monday) I'm going to be so much happier because I'll be working with another day of the week, like Thursday who is a librarian type who knows a lot about movies and who will party when called upon.

WHEN I GO TO A RESTAURANT I LOVE A GOOD LIST OF TONICS

Despite the current economy and my penchant for pinching pennies and hating IKEA, I turned over two new leaves and obtained a new phone and bought a new bed frame from IKEA. My old phone (let's call him Nunzio for no particular reason), was sturdy as a half decent oak tree, but it didn't reflect the "Thug Life", which I strive for every day. Admittedly I didn't have to pay for this new phone (Cory, his actual name), but for me to put aside my loyalty to Nunzio is rare because I tend to create emotional attachments to my life accessories that I can fully rely on.

The picture is here merely for spruce

I was never a big fan of our old bed frame, which kind of reminded me of an old crib you'd find at a garage sale and think to yourself "they don't make them like this anymore". Its fate was sealed last week when I did a huge air mount and broke the shit out of it. We slept on a broken, slanty bed for a couple of days before I gathered enough courage and ignorance to actually go to IKEA, where every visit is its own worst day of the year. This time, everything was going fine until we reach the cash registers, where yet again the person in front of me couldn't grasp the concept of the pricing of goods. In this case, this scab of a human being, refused to accept that a pillow cost $12.99 and failed to notice the people (us) behind her scowling like a teen at dinner time. 20 minutes later, we payed for our pieces of bed and then spent another 20 in the hottest parking lot in the Milky Way Galaxy trying to fit these pieces into the car. It didn't work so we had to get it all delivered, meaning the trip was a total waste when you take the Internet and its e-commerce into consideration.

Then I of course had to put the thing together, which was going alright until one step that baffled logic. Luckily, I had to leave to perform summer poems at the Loner Show presented by Laugh Sabbath by a character named "Summer Dude", which I'll now give you for free:

The Weather this summer

Holy shit it’s been hot
Imagine you were a bear?

Those guys have body beards
And sweat their fair share

Hairy men suffer too
But enough with the gents

Are tits like insulators?
Are vaginas like vents?

Maybe women are like camels
Their humps keep them icy

But hot milk goes sour
Does heat make tits smell not nicey?

Picture a bear with big tits
she’d be in summer hell

Full circle poem huh?
Hot, bear, tits, milk, camels

This one is all wrapped up
So feel the damn heat

And men just remember boys
Chill out your wife’s teats

THE RACE TO BE MAYOR

Mayor Miller’s stepping down
Who the hell’s going to run this town?

Two Italians vie for the crown
So grab a calzone and I’ll run them down

First there’s Giorgio and of course little Joe
Which one’s the best? Who the hell knows?

Then there’s chick, her name is Sar-ah
I don’t care about her, only the colour of her bra

George Smitherman is openly homo
Does that mean he won’t support the Sky Domo?

The last one’s name is Robert Ford
In that movie he was a coward

It starred Brad Pitt, the hottest dude
Rob Ford is so fat he’s Medusa when nude

Vote this year for your favourite one
Or Rob Ford will eat you without a bun

Summer Woman

(the first line of this poem is an actual quote from a middle-aged woman I saw in a meat store)

I’ve been to my girlfriend’s trailer three times in Wasaga and it’s been bomb
I had sex with Dom, he has a Ford Mustang, have you ever played cuss tag?

It’s a drinking game where you name swears and chug rum Bitch, shit, asshole, then I said bum, and I had to drink up We ran out of rum so I drank ketchup

So many stars up there unlike the city where I live with my pets I named my dog after my daughter…wait.. maybe I got that backward

Anyway, about the name, it’s not English It’s a Jap word They’re both named Sushi kind of like Susie, but more exotic The is name I chose is versatile it’s classy and erotic, my husband fought it, It doesn’t matter He’s out the picture because he has a taste for young women I can’t blame him my hair is thinnin’ and my tits aren’t what they used to be But I still look good in a tie died shirt and a pair of Oakley shades

Next year we’re going to the Everglades my mom has a condo by the beach Her neighbor is tom, and last year I saw his dong, goddamn next year is going to be bomb.

INCEPTION

Warner Bros presents Inception
Have you even seen it?

It stars Leo DiCaprio
with hair like River Phoenix

In this one he can go through dreams
And there he meets batman

They team up to fight the Joker
And a villain named catman

Then there’s a part in outer space
And things get real funny

who cares if I haven’t seen it
movies cost tons of money

Instead I went to this cool stream
Close to the DVP

I pissed wherever I wanted
And wrote some Graffiti

Eat shit, cool tits and LSD
Were amongst the things I wrote

I brought some plums along for lunch
And tried to build a boat

A man named Flappy helped me out
We shared a beer or two

Then he got really mad at me
And hit me with his shoe

I went down fast and had a dream
About contraception

So in the end it was pretty good
That day I lived inception

Originally I was going to go up and just read them as me, but I added Summer Dude in at the 11th hour and as it turns out, he was probably the funniest part. Here's to Summer Dude, sturdy bed frames, and new phones and how about the sport of fishing for old time's sake?