SHE HAD TERMINATOR EYES AND TITANIC LIPS

Movie Review

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit takes most of its stuff from a book written by England's own JRR Tolkien, a man who was so dissatisfied with the amount of slime and magic in the stories he grew up with that he decided to make up his own. Rumour has it he once described Sherlock Holmes as "a miserable old cunt who wouldn't know a yo-yo string from a shoelace". For his books he made up a bunch of lies about what our planet is really like, renamed it Middle Earth and filled it with creatures who wouldn't stand a chance against Spiderman. Not all the creatures are bad though, there are some friendly guys too, most notably the Hobbits themselves. They're essentially pint-sized English gentlemen farmers except they don't like sports. They might like darts I guess but that isn't in the movie or the book. 

Gandalf the wizard rolls the dice and chooses Bilbo the Hobbit as the last member of a team of adventurous dwarves on a mission to reclaim the gold and diamonds a dragon once stole from their dads. Why does he choose a little barefoot man instead of a big bruiser who actually owns a sword? Because Gandalf is a smart old guy whom you can't picture being a teenager. Anyway, the team runs into trouble along the way culminating in a battle with some goblins and the finding of the famous ring that Bilbo essentially nicks from a crazy toad.   

What did we learn?

We learn that no matter how small you are, you can do whatever it is your magic ring lets you do. In the case of Bilbo Baggins it makes him invisible, which is probably the number one most desirable ring power a short guy could want. That or a ring that makes his hair tall. I'm kidding. Today I saw one of the tallest guys I've ever seen and to him I wasn't the stretched dream most women under 65 see me as. So it's all about perspective.

Were we amazed?

If you saw Lord of the Rings you probably won't tingle because The Hobbit was made by the same guy, Peter Jackson. He probably used the same computer too but with much needed upgrades -- new keyboard, mouse, sound card etc.

What will be its legacy?

This film will be remembered as the one that came after Lord of the Rings even though it should've come before. It will also be remembered for having been chopped into three whole movies even though there's only one book and it's only like, 300 pages. I don't mind though. Any excuse to get out of the house, know what I mean?

Popcorn or candy?

I'd recommend popcorn for this one. It's salty, buttery crunch makes an ideal companion to Peter Jackson's squishy sweet images and Howard Shore's sour score. 

DUST FOR PRINTS BUT SAVE THE DUST WE HAVE A HAUNTED HOUSE TO DRESS

MOVIE REVIEW -- JAMES BOND'S SKYFALL

James Bond Part 23 was a really fun movie with everything you like about the popular British sex machine. He shoots guns, drives vehicles really well, never seems to eat and bonks every attractive female he comes across. The villain was also great, this time portrayed by Javier Bardem, one of Hollywood's scariest Spaniards. There's this one part where he takes out his fake teeth because his real teeth are all messed up and it was very gross! You don't want your villains to be pretty, trust me. Just ask James Cameron if he regrets casting Billy Zane as the evil boatman in Titanic. He'd tell you, "Yes, I wish I had've hired this waiter at Denny's that I know of. Never have a seen a wartier neck."

This time around our main man Bond has to stop Bardem from killing his boss, M, played by Judi Dench who is so old she remembers a time when humans could eat rocks no problem. Kidding, she looks great for 160. Kidding, for real, kidding. There isn't that much more to say other than that. Sam Mendes did a great job telling everyone where to stand and how to walk and Adele wrote a cool song called "Skyfall", which is the perfect title for a movie called "Skyfall". 

Let's just cut the chase here -- James Bond's penis. There's one scene in Skyfall where our hero sneaks into a babe's shower and instantly bangs her even though they'd only had one conversation prior. Here's what I want to know -- did he give himself a boner well before he stepped into the shower or did he wait until the last second, inflating the balloon just before the ordeal was officially deemed "sex". He knows what women want and I don't so I can't say for sure. I'm willing to bet he waited. But he is a famous killing machine so there's a good "shot" he went "in" to the shower "fully loaded". 

With this latest incarnation of James Bond played by Daniel Craig, they've played around with all the classic James Bond characters and gadgets and stuff, but they still haven't addressed his penis. Here's how the next movie should go:

- We open as James Bond chases a man on a camel up the walls of the Great Pyramind of Giza. 

- As Bond reaches the apex of the pyramid, he looks down the other side and the culprit has disappared.

- He slides down the pyramid but when he reaches the bottom he falls through a secret passage. 

- A big snake bites off part of his dick but he still manages to shoot the man and retrieve the big crown  he was chasin'.

- Back at MI6 M tells Bond he needs a vacation. They both decide that Utah would be nice. 

- When he gets to Utah he goes to grab a burger and immediately wants to bang the cashier.

- He meets her in the bathroom, they start kissing but Bond remembers he only has half a dick.

- He rides his motorcycle into the desert.

- After eating cacti and snorting snake venom for a week straight, Bond is found passed out by a hippie who drags him into his igloo made of mud. 

- He helps Bond get over his addictions and Bond finally opens up and discusses his lost dick. 

- The hippie says he has lots of old dicks he's collected over the years and that Bond can have one. 

- He picks one that used to belong to a drag racer named Piston. 

- Bond begins his training again and re-learns how to use his dick like a pro -- Boner control, odd tricks, puppetry, and regular peeing.

- Bond heads back to England, bangs 200 girls in 48 hours then heads to a match between Chelsea and Tottenham. 

- A villain interupts the game and says he'll blow up the whole city unless someone willingly gives up their own dick. 

- Bond gives up his new dick because he can just go back to Utah and get a new one. 

JAMES BOND 007 in White Eclipse