November 16, 2012



James Bond Part 23 was a really fun movie with everything you like about the popular British sex machine. He shoots guns, drives vehicles really well, never seems to eat and bonks every attractive female he comes across. The villain was also great, this time portrayed by Javier Bardem, one of Hollywood's scariest Spaniards. There's this one part where he takes out his fake teeth because his real teeth are all messed up and it was very gross! You don't want your villains to be pretty, trust me. Just ask James Cameron if he regrets casting Billy Zane as the evil boatman in Titanic. He'd tell you, "Yes, I wish I had've hired this waiter at Denny's that I know of. Never have a seen a wartier neck."

This time around our main man Bond has to stop Bardem from killing his boss, M, played by Judi Dench who is so old she remembers a time when humans could eat rocks no problem. Kidding, she looks great for 160. Kidding, for real, kidding. There isn't that much more to say other than that. Sam Mendes did a great job telling everyone where to stand and how to walk and Adele wrote a cool song called "Skyfall", which is the perfect title for a movie called "Skyfall". 

Let's just cut the chase here -- James Bond's penis. There's one scene in Skyfall where our hero sneaks into a babe's shower and instantly bangs her even though they'd only had one conversation prior. Here's what I want to know -- did he give himself a boner well before he stepped into the shower or did he wait until the last second, inflating the balloon just before the ordeal was officially deemed "sex". He knows what women want and I don't so I can't say for sure. I'm willing to bet he waited. But he is a famous killing machine so there's a good "shot" he went "in" to the shower "fully loaded". 

With this latest incarnation of James Bond played by Daniel Craig, they've played around with all the classic James Bond characters and gadgets and stuff, but they still haven't addressed his penis. Here's how the next movie should go:

- We open as James Bond chases a man on a camel up the walls of the Great Pyramind of Giza. 
- As Bond reaches the apex of the pyramid, he looks down the other side and the culprit has disappared.
- He slides down the pyramid but when he reaches the bottom he falls through a secret passage. 
- A big snake bites off part of his dick but he still manages to shoot the man and retrieve the big crown  he was chasin'.

- Back at MI6 M tells Bond he needs a vacation. They both decide that Utah would be nice. 
- When he gets to Utah he goes to grab a burger and immediately wants to bang the cashier.
- He meets her in the bathroom, they start kissing but Bond remembers he only has half a dick.
- He rides his motorcycle into the desert.

- After eating cacti and snorting snake venom for a week straight, Bond is found passed out by a hippie who drags him into his igloo made of mud. 
- He helps Bond get over his addictions and Bond finally opens up and discusses his lost dick. 
- The hippie says he has lots of old dicks he's collected over the years and that Bond can have one. 
- He picks one that used to belong to a drag racer named Piston. 
- Bond begins his training again and re-learns how to use his dick like a pro -- Boner control, odd tricks, puppetry, and regular peeing.

- Bond heads back to England, bangs 200 girls in 48 hours then heads to a match between Chelsea and Tottenham. 
- A villain interupts the game and says he'll blow up the whole city unless someone willingly gives up their own dick. 
- Bond gives up his new dick because he can just go back to Utah and get a new one. 

JAMES BOND 007 in White Eclipse

November 14, 2012


If we were to take the world's money and re-distribute it, would we all make a decent wage? Imagine we hit the reset button and it turned out everyone ends up making like six figures a year and Bobby McFerrin becomes the new Haile Selassie? I bet someone knows the exact math and how well it would work out but they're too scared to reveal it. That's a good movie idea. Guy figures this out but a coalition of millionaires chase him across the world and try to kill him before he posts it on the Internet. Every time he stops at an Internet cafe to update his popular blog it mysteriously doesn't work then he looks out the window where there's an elite team wearing black gear and sunglasses moving to take him down. He then has to run through the back of the store which is always where an Asian family is having a quiet lunch. That's the movie!
Believe it or not, that's the easy step. The hard part is going to be deciding what everyone is going to do for work afterward. I think we need to simplify. An interview will determine whether or not you'll be a(n):

- Interviewer
- Farmer
- Chef
- Store Person
- Builder
- Entertainer
- Water Expert (fishing, pleasure cruise, transport)
- Air Expert (pilot, bird man, air defence, space guard)
- Accountant
- Teacher
- Police
- Scientist

Hey that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Everyone will get paid the same amount of money, which is the devil's nephew (socialism) but we've tried all this other stuff and too many people live amongst garbage. Some people still think you get AIDS from being gay while others look AIDS in the face every day. That couplet will be in the first verse of our new worldwide anthem, produced by Mutt Lange and Kanye West and featuring Buckethead on lead guitar.

I picture everyone being outside a lot more too so there will be an effort to move people toward the tropics. No more living in deserts, frozen tundra or Russia. Don't get me wrong, I'm very impressed with how we've adapted to these stupid places, but I bet if you showed the Michael Jordan of the Arctic a white sand beach and a fresh pina colada he'd forget all about how to turn snow into breakfast.

You'll have a very flexible work schedule and most days you'll spend outside BBQing with your friends and family, playing simple games using rubber balls and sidewalk chalk. Speaking of friends, you know how it stinks when they live far away? Not on my Planet Cool Dude. All of your neighbours will be friends and family and that's how everyone will arrange themselves, sort of like Facebook without computers. You know how popular Facebook is? I bet so many aliens have human Facebook but there's so many of us on we don't even know they're aliens.

You can spend your money on travel if you want but you really have to commit to it. You'll declare "hobo status" and be free to roam but you have to be a good story teller and know how to work with beads.


November 9, 2012



My phone has been buzzing in my pants non-stop since Barack Obama re-took the Eagle Bone Throne in Washington, D.C., A.D. And no, the calls haven't all been well-wishers, it's been mostly media and political analysts trying to get the scoop on how Obama's re-election will effect this funny website and myself personally. Instead of paying for studio time and an able-bodied crew to put together an hour long prime time special hosted by my girl Holly Robinson-Peete (she owes me a favour after I babysat her bat), I think I'll just address everything here.

And yes, I do know that I'm Canadian and that my sarge is Steve Harper, but most of my favourite shows and some of my all-time favourite snacks are from America, which if you know anything about NAFTA is basically a passport. Plus, I live about 90 minutes from Buffalo, commonly known as America's Best Kept Secret because they seriously don't want anyone to know it's there. 

I hope that Obama makes some strong moves on environmental policy that will hopefully influence some of our more conservative regulations. Two years ago I bought a nice slab of land to turn into an orchard that would allow me to start making baby food that isn't just Cheerios ground into oatmeal and Fruit Roll-Ups (we went belly up after three hours but that night's goodbye party where we took care of our existing stock was both crunchy AND chewy). Everything orchard-wise was ready to go until a Federal inspector audited the property and determined that my trees wouldn't be allowed to re-produce until 2017. Apparently the Government decided our country's trees had an international reputation for being too slutty after a group of Japanese diplomats were horrified to see a field of Douglas Firs absolutely covered in acorns, whirlibirds and sap while they toured the Canadian Tires of North Bay. So I was forced to throw what is known as a "Non-Penis Tree Sized Ultra Slim Sheath" over some of my most virile fruit trees meaning my second baby food business was again finished before it started. Instead I took what little fruit I had and sold fresh juices to the boys at the neighbouring FedEx hub and managed to gain great insight into modern logistics and how to send a dog to Brighton for less than thirty quid.

Hopefully this issue will come up when Obama and Harper meet up in February for Book Club (this year's book -- Novelization of 'No Holds Barred' by Nitro Gravenfire). I know I'll be in the vicinity with my sign that will read "Don't be Cruel, Don't Be Lazy, Let our trees fuck like crazy".

Now this seemingly doesn't have anything to do with this website but I find it very cathartic penning blog entries amidst blossoming trees. Last coupla years I've been doing most of my writing in the cellar instead and I've collected so many spider webs that I can donate them to the Cancer Society to make silk wigs for rich patients. While down there I also taught myself how to make a candle out of an empty can of Dr. Pepper and some gasoline.

The only other major issue I face is whether I should continue the moderately popular blog feature "CanadUSa -- Let's Chat". It was a mix of political cartoons and simple every day differences between two nations who should be husband and wife but are instead thought of as wig master and best boy. How about this -- one more cartoon for old times sake and then I'll retire the feature altogether and come up with something new for all you geography squares. Do you like Holland? Great! I love its infrastructure and willingness to put ANYTHING on toast. Compromise is what cyberspace was built on. Here we go, one last toon:

You probably won't understand it unless you read the Shnubb-Tasset Report on Economic Hegemony when viewed through the lens of Post-Colonial Pre-Authorized Stewardship which had some Dems laughing in the aisles of the House while calling up their spouses and telling them to get the camper ready for the move to Calgary. Anyway, that's a cactus in case you couldn't tell.


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