June 10, 2013


I've decided to write stuff full time at It's really stupid that I didn't do this a long time ago because I pay for that site while this Blogger platform is as free as oranges at the supermarket. It's very sad because this has been going on for a long time, but really it's not that sad because it doesn't have anything to do with living things. Maybe I'll come back and write something every now and then just so the site doesn't get covered in dust and spiders.

June 7, 2013


Subtle weekend partying

The clock has struck "Friday" and the weekend has begun. Back in the old days that meant buying cake and wine and going out to find the biggest butts in the burg. Now I'm thirty-one and although I still know how to grease the streets when push comes to shove, I can't rely on my powers of old. This has forced me to come up with some alternative ways of partying when I have the time to actually do so (my old lady is always after me to wash the rice and clean up after the bugs). Here's a quick list of some subtle ways you can party this weekend without all the vomit and tight clothes.

This is the kind of hangover you'll get if you take my advice
Use conditioner BEFORE shampoo

It feels pretty weird at first but so does snorting gin out of a wooden spoon the first few times you try it. I don't know if it actually makes a difference with regard to the shininess and lustre of your hair but it will make you feel alive before the eggs start frying. Quick note: if you get fond of this move and incorporate it into your daily routine then end up in prison somehow, you might want to stop using it. In the joint, using conditioner before shampoo signals to the other inmates that you're a vegetarian and next thing you know you'll be on garden duty faster than the warden can say "fresh peas?". 

Drink coffee from a bowl

What is a mug? Simply a vessel, not unlike a tub, half of a globe, a hole in the ground or a simple bowl. Drinking your morning joey from a bowl will ignite a sense that you probably didn't even know you had - the sense of quaff, meaning to drink down or guzzle. Too often we rely on our sense of sip in the morning, stunting some of the lesser known senses and partying is all about inhibition and the embrace of all senses from the top of the hair to the end of the warts on the toes. 

Use a grocery bag filled with clothes as your pillow

If you've already followed the first two tips then you'll be straight knackered by the time Saturday night rolls around. Traditional partiers seek thrills well into the night so we must strive to do the same. Find a regular sized grocery bag and fill it with your most interesting clothes to make a custom pillow that will lull your head into a world of unfamiliarity that will naturally metastasize into a safe version of psychedelia (you'll get tired and toss and turn a lot).

Watch TV wearing headphones

For this move you'll have to find a way to plug a pair of headphones into the audio output of your television. It might prove to be a lot of work but it will be worth it and you'll feel as if you're IN the TV rather than simply hanging around it and eavesdropping on all of its conversations.

Download three new fonts

It doesn't take a hacker to install new fonts, and many don't realize that there are millions of free ones on the Internet to experiment with just as a junkie eats garbage in case something within packs a zing. I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill variations on the ones you've grown sick of, I'm talking about fonts based on some of your favourite logos from film, TV and the handwriting of Kings of old. When I started using the Bladerunner font on all my homemade birthday cards, I received in return some of the best thank yous and pats on the back that I've ever experienced and I once saved an entire town from snakes.


No more potatoes!

I recently proclaimed to the world that my favourite food is fries. I realized this when I took notice of just how many fries I eat. "Salad or fries?" FRIES. If I'm at a hamburger cafe and I'm not that hungry but I still want a burger, I get fries with it no matter what. I can't live without fries but I'll frequently eat lunch without a drink, much to the chagrin of those around me who feel they need to "water down" their own lives.

I can see the damn wires
So if I eat fries like crazy then why did I write that title? Well, as you may have read yesterday, my stomach has been giving me some heinous guff lately and in trying to discover what's causing it, I realized that I eat potatoes almost every day.

Last week I think I might have had fries every day. I don't even mean to. The thing is, fries have gotten really good around here lately. No one does frozens anymore! If you don't have a fresh cut crispy on your menu then I'm going somewhere else, because sister, they ain't too hard to find. Heck, I could walk downstairs and get some right now (I live above a popular cafe that serves pan-Asian cuisine. And yeah, they got good fries. See?). And don't get me started on breakfast potatoes. Those hold my weekend morning plates together, giving my day a savoury edge that things like yogurt and raisins just can't provide.

Hash browns, mashed potatoes, fries, chips, scalloped potatoes, potato salad, potato latke. That's just me naming potato dishes off the top of my head and in the last three weeks I've had every variety listed except for scalloped, no joke. So I gotta lay off the spuds and see what happens. Holy shit I hope I'm wrong.

Imagine you went to a doctor and you asked it about the mysteries of your stomach trouble and he said "this is probably a case for a detective, not a doctor." I bet Sherlock Holmes would've figured this out a long time ago. Whenever he got sick he'd just look at his butt hole in the mirror and ten minutes later he'd know the cause. Was Sherlock Holmes ever wrong? Was Columbo ever wrong? I'm going to write a story about a detective who always gets it wrong. How will he make up for this? By accidently befriending every suspect and turning them into better people. Actually, that sounds a lot like Inspector Gadget. Now that guy was an idiot. I guess Inspector Clouseau got shit wrong too. Damn, for like, a few minutes there I thought I had a good idea.

I reacted the same way as this popular detective when I ate a hot pepper!
Hopefully this passes soon so I can get back to talking about my life as a Formula One champion, but my mind simply isn't on the points race right now. If you went back to Medieval Times and had the choice of bringing and F1 car with infinity gas, but you don't get to wear shoes, or having the best and most comfortable pair of boots and infinity gum, which would you choose? Keep in mind, an F1 car ain't no Jeep. Food for thought. Eat it. Digest it. Breath out some math.

June 5, 2013


cereal or eggs?

I don't have to make many big decisions during my day, which suits me just fine. It's not that I don't trust myself to make good decisions, it's that decisions can breed regret, regret can breed anger, and anger can breed diarrhea. I bet if you were to ask every major decision-making world leader about their butt troubles they could write you a book as long as the mighty Credit River and as graphic as the image of a world leader pooing big time. But for me, one big decision comes every day at the onset of breakfast. I'm of the mind that breakfast should be fast and easy, except on weekends when you should take the time to stir up all your favourite batters and culturally approved breakfast meat (pork, sausages, steak, but NO CHICKEN MEAT. Only the egg of the chicken).

It's singing a Busta Rhymes song

For me, a weekday breakfast (hard) boils down to two (percent milk) options: cereal or an egg bagel with cheese. Cereal is obviously the fastest option so if I'm in a pinch I'll pour myself a bowl and crunch it pre-soggies while watching Sports Centre (note that I watch Sports Centre with any kind of breakfast meal on any day). Anyway, an egg bagel is fairly quick to assemble as well, and is far heartier, but involves more dishes and more moving parts.

Time isn't the only factor though. If you've read this blog regularly over the last 10 years (it's probably been around for less time, but I didn't feel like checking, mostly because I don't want to stop the flow here. Have you seen how infrequently I've been writing lately? I gotta strike while the pants are still pressed), you'll know that my stomach feels weird a lot. This means that I must choose carefully my breakfast foods based on how I'm feeling. One big problem is that I don't know what causes my tum tum twuble, so it's really just a vibe kind of thing. Imagine I was lactose intolerant all these years and the cereal milk and bagel cheese has been the silent killer this whole time? Not bloody likely if you ask me. In fact, I don't believe that anyone has a gluten allergy or is lactose intolerant. I think it's all a big propaganda chess game between breakfast (dependent on milk) and dinner (reliant on gluten) interests with lunch constantly telling them "come on guys". You can tell which side your doctor is on by what they diagnose you with. If he or she tells you to relax and drink Gatorade it probably means they're one of the lunch guys.

Today I chose egg bagel because I've on a fairly steady cereal run over the last little while. I'm very proud to say that I rarely buy the sweet stuff, concentrating more on the rices, corns and crisps of the cereal world. I also only buy cereal that's on sale. I'd buy Crispix every damn time if it weren't seven dollars and never on sale. The ONLY reason I can think of is because it's in such high demand that they can charge that much, but whenever I tell people it's my favourite they laugh at me as if I preferred Dunn over Brooks.

God creates man, man creates this


Frequently I'll buy the ingredients to makes smoothies. I've definitely talked about these before because I recall renaming them Smooth Cools, so I won't get into too much depth, but here's what I've learned about smoothies:

- They're a good way to get rid of shitty bananas that you wouldn't eat otherwise. You could also make banana bread but I never do because I'm scared the delicious fresh smell will attract robbers.
- The blackberry is the honey dew melon of the berry world, meaning fruit companies and restaurants shove it down your throat because it's probably really cheap. Smoothie-wise they leave too many fat seeds in your drink
- don't blend in a multi-vitamin - you WILL taste it.
- Umm, I thought I'd be able to think of more smoothie tips. You need a blender! Yeah, and a decent sized glass.

That's pretty much it.

Next I'm going to find some pictures to spruce this thing up then I'm going to drink some peppermint tea, but that's a another story altogether....

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