CHEZZNUT BOASTING 'BOUT HIS DOPE ON FIRE

I never really delved too deep into the details of my employment over the last five years, mostly because I feel that work should never get in the way of poo jokes. But I can now safely announce that I no longer do that thing I used to do, which was reading press releases all day. Instead I now listen to webcasts. I tell you this not to draw out congratulations but so you can adjust your fantasy sequences of me accordingly. Hopefully this new position won't mean less critically acclaimed blog posts, but if they do I have a back-up plan where I just start copying people.

This April, not only will I be celebrating the 9th anniversary of my 20th birthday, but HBO's Game of Thrones will premiere to the screams of millions of teenage girls across the world. Did I say teenage girls? I meant middle-aged freaks. Just kidding. I'm a big fan of the books and I consider myself more of a wimpy smiler who still thinks he's a young adult.

I've been reading the books since June and I'm still going, so when I'm an old man, telling my grand kids about the years 2010 and 2011 while they feed my milk and energy crisps, I'll be able to tell them that it was mostly me just enjoying stories about dragons. I guess it's better than two years characterized by weight gain or jail time. I'm no longer scared of years dominated by hair loss because I've had time to accept it. I believe I first noticed my hair leaving in first year university. What a ride it's been. Anyway, here's an exclusive Foot Locker® Sneaker Peaker Insider Peak™ that debuted after the new Taco Bell commercial debuting the new Nine Cheese Mexi-Shake that debuted during the second warm-up of last Thursday's NBA game between the Denver Nuggets and the St. Louis Battlebirds:



Kudos to the art department, who will no doubt be Emmy bound this year.

I truly am excited for this damn thing that will actually look like this:



To some of you, namely the ignorant ones who don't read books and have no sense of adventure, this will look just as silly as that fake footage. But you'll be sorry once bearded guys with swords who wrap themselves in fur become the new vampire, igniting a worldwide craze. The porno parody will be called Game of Thongs, Brad Pitt will play a guy in a movie with a name like Grogoz and horse traffic will increase to levels not seen since Henry Ford realized that burned gasoline smells a bit better than manure.

LET'S GET REAL HERE GUYS

If you've been a loyal follower of this web page since the beginning you'll know the following:

• I don't like department stores
• I like movies
• I write in book sometimes
• I can bench 450

I've decided that you need to know more about me because as any scientist will tell you, "The more you know about a man, the better. The more you know about a woman, the better. The more you know about kids? Get outta here!"

That was a science joke and if you don't get it, shut up go back to google.com. Just joking, you can stay.

So lets get personal. Since about January, I've been casually looking for a new job. If my superiors at my current job are reading, don't worry, I love you all and I have nothing against the company, its policies, its location or its carpets. It's just that sometimes a man of 26 needs a change.

Because I don't know what I want to do, I decided to scope out places that I like, mainly television and media companies. It's now May and I really haven't had any luck, as I'm still at the job I usually have. So basically I really hope I win the upcoming Heart and Stroke Lottery 1 million dollar grand prize so I can quit and get a boat. Just kidding, but finding a job is big-time frustration, not unlike trying to find a mate: it's tough and time-consuming and sometimes you think nothing's ever going go your way. Then something does and you're alright and you tell your past self to ease up and stop being a dick. And job interviews are like dates, and bosses are like... the girl's best friend who's a real bitch and keeps telling the girl, "I don't know about this guy. I've known you since grade 2 and like, I know you. Get rid of him. Seriously. Want to go get some salads? I hate these jeans. I want a new cell phone." I should write a self-help book called The Job and the Girl - Tips on both and how to dominate your life. The picture on the cover would have me in an office with a slutty secretary on one arm and holding the book in the other. Then it's like one of those cool things where the cover of the book is on the cover of the book then that cover is on the cover and it's like a vortex and it rules.

So like I was saying, I do get bummed sometimes when I start thinking that I'm in a bit of a rut, but then I think that there's tons of people like me and that I have some pretty cool stuff at home like guitars, computers, hats and comic books so I get happy again. I could describe my job search in more detail but you'd probably have a better time tying your shoes than reading about me looking at websites and sending resumes and poorly conceived cover letters.

This is probably going to be as personal as I get, and in retrospect it wasn't very personal at all. I was going to tell about an interview I went to, but nothing really interesting happened, except the fact that I'm probably not going to get the job. Even that isn't very interesting. Shit. But trust me, if I get married, or if I get a horrible disease I'll probably share it, but until then get ready for more of the same. I'm now accepting story ideas, so if you want to know something about me, leave a comment and if I think you're a nice person, the question will be answered. The segment will be called, The Spice Rack - Different Flavours from Different Neighbours. I don't care if you don't like the title, because my dad always told me to go with your first instinct.

Watch the following video before you go to bed and hope that it somehow makes it into your dreams!