WE HAVE A DECENT UNIVERSE

Here we go guys, another day of ruling the world as humans. What will you do today to assert your dominance? I've already chased three pigeons and ate Captain Crunch cereal. The only food a rooster ever invents is its own shit. When we make up new cereals we're basically playing God, so we really shouldn't get too upset about stem cell research and abortion. If you're going to protest all that you might as well protest gummi bears as well.

"If you have to do research it means you don't know anything"
- Glenn

Last night I "worked" with LIFE OF A CRAPHEAD again. I put "work" in quotations because it makes it look like the word has wings. Fly like an eagle, to the sea. Fly like an eagle, let my mommy carry me. We did a show with these's and I got to meet Dan Deacon, who was very funny along with the cast, many of whom looked like people I know from Canada, our home, a big land. What a crazy world! In the show I played a half Medusa, half man in bathrobe whose house was on fire, and if the pictures ever reach the public domain I'll put them up so you can complete your sticker books.

Half my face looked like her 100% face

"Treat your feet like you treat your own mother"
- Glenn

I haven't talked about my stomach in awhile. Rest easy party dudes, lately I've been drinking beer no problem. At this time last year I couldn't drink that sweet shit unless I was armed with a bottle of Pepto, a stomach full of potatoes, and no worries, because unfortunately, worries make us poo our pants and throw up sometimes. WEIRD. Anyway, I'm not totally cured, I still wake up every morning and burp like crazy. Some doctors would diagnose this as a case of being hilarious if you enjoy the sound of burps as much as I do. Others may call it Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Your choice!

"It's a damn shame Choclair never got big in the States"
- Glenn

And lets up heap praise toward Pat Thornton who raised over eleven thousand buckerdoos to comabt AIDS in Africa by doing stand-up for 24 hours straight. I was there for the first few hours and helped write jokes about popular topics like Luba Goy, marmalade, a six year old named Tristan, Rap Grimace and Kevin Sorbo. Here's Pat:



I've never even come close to raising that much money for anything. Once I won a prize when I was in Cubs for having the best basket at Apple Day, where you go door to door selling apples. I won because my basket said 'Thank You". Since then, I've wrote "Thank You" on everything I own, and even though I haven't won a prize for it since, I probably get more high fives per annum than most.

LIVING THE LIVE MY CAT ALWAYS WANTED

THANK YOUR GOD OR YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU'RE HUMAN TODAY

Hi Toronto, it's me again, and yeah, it's raining, it's cold, summer 2011 is as far away as it's going to get, but hey, we're human! Raise one of our innovative, non-natural beverages, and lets celebrate!



Chances are you haven't won the lottery. Even if you have, you probably just have a garage full of jet skis, a bunch of friends you don't want and a few cases of Teddy Grahams. Stop for a second and think like human leader Socrates -- you've already won the lottery -- you're a human!

There are millions of species here on Earth and only one is smart. Us. You could've been a worm or worse yet, a delicious mountain goat. You're privy to things, thoughts and stuff that ALL other animals around here can't even begin to comprehend. Next time you're bored just look at windows for goodness sake! They're a see-through, semi insulating, noise reducing forcefield and even our dumbest and poorest get to enjoy them whenever they want. The closest thing animals have to a simple window is the ocean, and we own that too. We don't even care that we can't breath in the water, we just have as much fun as we can in and around it. The water's beaches also gives our most attractive citizens the chance to show off the most ultimate bodies on the planet. Sharks, eagles, bears and gorillas have pretty smokin' bods, but to the point where only our weirdest and most perverted would take one over a homo sapien.

Don't be glum. Be smart like the human you are. Invent a new meal or build a fort. We build forts for shits and giggles, not for survival. Think you're tough wolves? Nice house.