December 24, 2012



Yeah right! You should be done by now. Why should I help you? The whole point of a gift is to thoughtfully acknowledge one's existence by providing them with a material item or experience relevant to their interests, hopes or dreams. I shouldn't have even had to explain that clearly you idiot. Since you've once again neglected to come up with ideas yourself I'm instead going to help the people who have to deal with your bullshit year in and year out. When faced with an asshole looking for tips, retort with one of more of the following:

"Who doesn't love nutrients?"

"Give them the gift of life"

"Last year's calendar had some really cute Wednesdays"

"Feel free to grind up parts of my Christmas tree. It will sort of look like weed, man"

"Does she like lingerie? It's easy to make your own out of J-Cloths"

"A can of soup can easily double as fake vomit"

"A single cigarette may start a love affair that will last a lifetime"

"Two words -- onions"

"Give her a new name. I thought of a good one -- Bist"

"I always go with something authentic from planet Earth"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but gravel is all over the place and is free"

"Make some ice and pretend it's a beautiful crystal. Then get the hell out of there"

Above all, Christmas is about roast birds and shiny balls hanging from a fat, sappy tree so don't sweat the gifts too much. HA. Not true. Christmas is 90% gifts, 10% visits.

If you're currently hiding in your closet to avoid Uncle Stewart's famous penis noogies, enjoy this collection of past holiday writings courtesy of this website and the Internet Movie Database.

December 20, 2012


Marvell Comics Presents:


As part of a partnership with Marvell Comics, WIDAHIA brings you the first in a series of Superhero profiles meant to increase awareness of a new roster of superheroes engineered for the fresh millennium. 


Real Name - Chad Dunk
Height - 6 foot 4 and nothing more
Weight - Not bad
Hometown - The fictional town of Toilet, Manitoba
Hair Colour - Caucasian Brown
Eye Colour - Dreamboat Brown
Superhero Team - The Dunce Craps (Captain Everything wants to change it but The Improviser still thinks it's funny)
Super Power - He can fly straight up or straight down. Obviously he can't go straight down if he's standing on the ground but he did teach himself to crouch lower than most people. He also tries to have all his showdowns take place on quicksand or over a large body of water, which is why he looks like this while on duty:


For Christmas he wants a KitchenAid stand mixer.

Can you even imagine?

I had a villain in mind but I forgot. Let's see if we can search the memory bank and figure it out:



....access granted

Mr. Elevator's Villlain

- Elevator goes up and down so his nemesis has to be able to combat it
- Maybe a guy who goes side to side? Dr. Horizontal? Boring?
- What's the opposite of an elevator? Escalator? No, they're cousins.People mover!

The People Mover

Not only can he fly from side to side, but he also love inspiration poetry and has a reggae band also called People Mover. Their first album? People Mover.

Move my People, People I Move
Island Sound, Zion Groove
Fly left, fly right, only get high widda spliff at night

Mr. Elevator tries to arrange all their battles at the airport to even the playing ground and it works fairly often. All Elevator has to do is spend a bit of cash and make People Mover believe he's won a free vacation. People Mover isn't that dumb though but he doesn't mind because the ceilings in airports are pretty low so most, if not all of their fights go like this:

- The People Mover wants to take over the world because he wants everyone to live in the tropics.
- Mr. Elevator gets wise and tricks The People Mover into arriving at the airport.
- Heading to the gate, The People Mover flaunts his mutant power by gliding alongside the actual people mover.
- He gets ambushed by Mr. Elevator and they wrestle for awhile, flying up, down, left and right.
- They declare a stalemate and decide to go on vacation together.
- They go somewhere with lots of quicksand. Another trick!
- Mr. Elevator saves the day again while beating The People Mover senseless while fighting on quicksand.

"Give me an open sky and some water or quicksand underneath my feet and I will save your planet. My planet, sorry, I'm from here too. I've never really felt at home though."
- Mr. Elevator

December 14, 2012


A Critical Look Into Modern Advertising

Today on Mad, Man I take issue with the latest trend in spokespeople, a trend I call the "Hyper Masculine Über-Confident Silly Magic Man".

It all started with the Old Spice guy who by using magic and nonsense, showed us that Old Spice deoderant will make girls want to rub you because you smell like "Volcano Gush". The campaign was a viral hit spawning a toy line, a cookbook as well as a half-hour children's cartoon called "Old Spicey", featuring an eponymously named storyteller telling tales of ancient noses.

"I smell like I murdered 39 Olympians for these medals, dude"

Realizing that Old Spice was eating into their profits, the Dos Equis beer company made up their own guy called "The Most Interesting Man in the World" who was a mix between the Old Spice super dude, Indiana Jones and Chuck Norris jokes from 2001. He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does he makes sure you know is puuuuure hetero. 

Since then the trend has exploded. A recent stroke-inducing incarnation is this Dairy Queen guy who just kind uses his magic to show that DQ is tasty or something. I honestly don't even know. The formula for these ads seems to be: 1) Find a guy 2) Have him perform magic 3) Say nonsense. Canadian Club whisky has this new guy called "The Chairman" who acts like Dos Equis man combined with TV's Ron Swanson and Kraft Dinner now has a Robin Hood type who makes cracks about his "orange noodle". I made the last one up because advertising is all lies.

Whatever your opinion of this trend is, you have to admit it's working a lot better than Uncle Ben's "Uncle Ben is Gay" campaign.

The Back Pages

The Human's History

I wonder if cavemen made the food - poo connection. Who were the first humans to figure it out? Poo is so different from food that I bet it took awhile. Egyptians I bet. 

Food for Thought

A "dick fart" is piss steam. 

December 13, 2012


Yesterday was 12/12/12, a date that apparently puts into motion some sort of apocalypse that will happen 21st. Who told us this? Those lizard-kissing chocolate masters, the Mayans. I don't believe that anything out of the ordinary will happen that day because like most civilizations that existed thousands of years ago, the Mayans were stupid compared to us. Sure, they built some great temples, invented an impressive written language complete with swears and several different words for "right on!", but that's about it. Ask a Mayan what the sun is, videotape it, and BANG you've won the grand prize on the season finale of AFV. Tom Bergeron whispers in your ear, "Don't spend all the dough on gum, save some for more permanent chewables". Then you're whisked away backstage where you're greeted by a Mr. Christie's snack tray featuring a prototype cookie called The Boogie Woogie Chew Chew Chocolate Chunk Champion - They got rice in 'em.

I happened to catch an episode of Ancient Aliens on the subject of the Mayan apocalypse and one alien discussed the significance of the location of the prophecies. I'm paraphrasing but he said something like, “Why would they write a date on a brick, put it in a cave and turn it backwards?”.

Because they were idiots. Think of how you spend the day -- you wake up, you read the news, you get on a streetcar, you buy pears, you go to work, you use a computer, you rank babies in order of potential for becoming a dentist etc. etc. Your neighbour probably does something entirely different because maybe he's a brick layer and you're just the captain of a hot air balloon team. The point is a Mayan's life was far simpler. The only things to do were cook, fight, shit, get bitten by something, stick your dick in something, write on bricks and play drums.

Another expert explained how the Mayans must have got all this information from aliens. He said "Their tablets speak of things in the sky." I know what those were -- birds, stars, the sun, the moon, dust, flower petals -- but they sure didn't.

On top of that, think of how often Mayans were poisoned either from plant life or from a jungle creature. There's still tons of scary things out there today, but imagine how many more there were back then before we started ripping apart rain forests to build smoke factories? They get poisoned so often that they probably hallucinated like crazy all the time. If Timothy Leary was on LSD and prophesied the end of the world back in the sixties, I don't think anyone would've taken him seriously and he definitely knew what the moon was.

In conclusion, the Mayan apocolypse prophecy was the result of a guy getting bit by a toad. He started hallucinating, found a brick, wrote some numbers down, saw a few birds, hid the brick, went to bed and did it all again the next day. There. End of argument. Now it's time to get excited for the release of THE HOBBIT. Here's a Tolkien-esque song in celebration:

Fantasy Party

The wind blows hard and the leafs grow green
And the Elves play songs with their tambourines

The night is cold and the stars glow white
Whoa, a dwarf and a man just got in a fight

The man is taller but the dwarf is sturdy
These books are long, the geography wordy

The dwarf gets knocked on his little bum
The man barfs bread out of his regular tum

Everyone laughs, a hobbit arrives late
A wizard piles turnips on a magic plate

What were turnips before are now something better
They are still turnips but now they're coverered in cheddar...

...cheese, sauce, across the room there's Bilbo, motherfuckers been acting like a chick without a dildo.
smoke that shire shit, wash it down with ale, Gollum's on your fuckin trail, he wants his shit back and he will attack even though he's frail and pale he's the king of bling, once a lord of the ring, gus fring, breaking bad, Walter white world's worst dad, 2012 Hobbit, Peter Jackson New Zealand STAND UP keep your guns shiny and your hoes tiny

December 12, 2012


My beautiful city of Toronto has faced its fair share of thumb downers over the last little while:

- All of our sports teams are bad
- Our mayor is/was a dumper
- Traffic!
- Hockey is cancelled
- We have no Premier
- There's still like, no Wendy's restaurants downtown

All this has a guy feeling like there isn't much worth goin' outside for.

But like most government approved waterslides, city life has its ups and downs and sometimes it gets peed on. Thankfully, over the past few weeks things seem to be getting slightly better. FINALLY. I can only enjoy the dinosaurs at the ROM so much before I give them little names and treat them as my cousins. In August I bought a stegosaurus a box of Pot of Gold chocolates.

If you don't live in Toronto and don't care, please proceed to Section 91 for alternative material that's geared toward a more global audience. 


First, our beloved Blue Jays managed to obtain some top notch talent meaning the Rogers Centre may finally become a place we don't associate with boredom and crud. The optimist in me envisions full crowds, first places and championships while the pessimist that lives somewhere near my butt is yelling in its raspy, gassy voice, "They're all going to get hurt!". In any case, my friends and I rolled the dice and bought season tickets. I hope that means you can live in your seat because I just sold all my stuff to buy a stale-beer powered George Foreman grill, a nice sleeping bag and that thing in Waterworld that turns you pee into water-flavoured pee.

THEN the Toronto Argonauts won the 100th Grey Cup. In celebration I drank of cup of Earl Grey and cooked a football stuffed with trout for dinner. The football is to represent football and the trout is something an actual Argonaut might like to eat on his birthday.

THEN our mayor got removed from office.The big guy messed up and everyone I know is happy. What's next for the man Toronto Life described as "Mayor Marshmallow Man"? Oh probably a nice bath, a Hardy Boys adventure and a chocolate cigar.

THEN a monkey in a coat was spotted in a local IKEA, giving us some much needed Internet cred, while cementing our reputation as a multicultural mecca.

What's next a Costco in the Portlands?


What's up with winter? I mean, I have headphones but I want to wear earmuffs. Are headphones earmuffs? And scarfs? More like big handkerchiefs. You're going to give a guy the snot neck from Christmas' sake. And Christmas? What a great time to be rich, you know! Remember that John Lennon song, "It's Tough Bein' Poor on Christmas"? No, you don't because Prince Charles banned it. Truth is the currency of the world and unfortunately most truth is stuffed in the oversized wallets of the elite. If you live in a region where winter is that time of year when you harvest pineapple, proceed to Section Y.


Blog Photoshop School Special

Welcome to Photoshop school where I teach you the art of using a computer to complete tasks that were once limited to stuck-up, talented, hands-on artists.Your first project is to re-create one of the most classic Photoshop gags of all time -- putting your own ugly face on the cover of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. Just do this:

December 11, 2012


I was perusing my blog stats today and I noticed that the number of posts per year have declined significantly since my heyday back in 2009. There are several reasons for this but the biggest is probably the fact that  this millionaire threatened to fill my house with snakes if I didn't satisfy his cravings for top notch Internet entertainment. In 2010 he was killed by a janitor who was being forced by the millionaire to spray paint pro-steak graffiti all over Chicago. Remember that? It started a brief war between tofu lobbyists and the Beef Brigade that culminated in a historic peace meal at Wrigley Field. If you subscribe to National Geographic you'll know all the details, but basically there was a hot table set up at each base and an umpire brandishing a 2x4 to make sure everyone got along.

Anyway, I noticed that last year I wrote a total of 50 posts. Not bad. That works out to around 25 posts a month, per day. This year I'm sitting at a lean 44 with but 20 moons left. My goal is to beat that total just in case a potential employer comes around and notices that my style  is to peak early then steadily decline. Guess I'd guess I'd have no problem getting hired at Hewlett-Packard!

I could just stop here and allow the above to count as post 45 but that would be cheating and people who cheat end up in embarrassing themselves at belching contests because who would cheat at a belching contest? Ahaha, joking, I did. You know how? No, beans are legal. I wore a big coat and filled it with beavers.

Alligator Shoes?


I'm seeking footage of a man or woman wearing regular-sized alligators as shoes. Picture this - one gator on each foot and some sort of rein system. I bet you a hundred dollies that Julius Caesar tried this at least once.

Was it James Bond or Indiana Jones who rides an alligator down a snowy hill like it were a common sled?

  • Location: Toronto
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • it IS ok to contact this poster with grocery store recommendations especially any new dairy type shit

How do u throw out soup?


I was home alone this past weekend and I found myself hungry for soup. I had one of those large cans of Habitant on hand and even though it would be too much for one man to eat, I made it anyway. Obviously I didn't finish the whole thing but when it came time to dispose of it I didn't know what to do.

Do you just throw the whole thing out in the garbage? I don't like this option because I like my garbage to remain dry. Moisture and garbage go together like water and mogwais, know what I mean?

Do you throw the whole thing down the drain? A minestrone is a hearty soup filled with beans and pasta. I don't like the idea of a sink clog due to soup.

Do you first strain the liquid into the sink then throw out the chunks? I think this is the correct answer, but if it is then how come you never see them do it in movies?

  • Location: Toronto
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • it IS ok to contact this poster with invitations to parties where the only stipulation is guests bring sleeping bags.

Blog Directory by Blog Flux