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December 24, 2012

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND PLEASE DO MY LAUNDRY

LAST MINUTE GIFT IDEAS


Yeah right! You should be done by now. Why should I help you? The whole point of a gift is to thoughtfully acknowledge one's existence by providing them with a material item or experience relevant to their interests, hopes or dreams. I shouldn't have even had to explain that clearly you idiot. Since you've once again neglected to come up with ideas yourself I'm instead going to help the people who have to deal with your bullshit year in and year out. When faced with an asshole looking for tips, retort with one of more of the following:

"Who doesn't love nutrients?"

"Give them the gift of life"

"Last year's calendar had some really cute Wednesdays"

"Feel free to grind up parts of my Christmas tree. It will sort of look like weed, man"

"Does she like lingerie? It's easy to make your own out of J-Cloths"

"A can of soup can easily double as fake vomit"

"A single cigarette may start a love affair that will last a lifetime"

"Two words -- onions"

"Give her a new name. I thought of a good one -- Bist"

"I always go with something authentic from planet Earth"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but gravel is all over the place and is free"

"Make some ice and pretend it's a beautiful crystal. Then get the hell out of there"

Above all, Christmas is about roast birds and shiny balls hanging from a fat, sappy tree so don't sweat the gifts too much. HA. Not true. Christmas is 90% gifts, 10% visits.

If you're currently hiding in your closet to avoid Uncle Stewart's famous penis noogies, enjoy this collection of past holiday writings courtesy of this website and the Internet Movie Database.

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