KIDS WANT TO SWING ON VINES AND CHECK OUT QUICK SAND, BUT MAN, IT NEVER HAPPENS

Hey buddies -- it's Tuesday, the most inoffensive day of the week. Should I make it offensive? Yeah man:

I bet this guy's favourite food is cotton candy. That's not even a face anymore, it's a Christmas tree.

"Hey Joe, I'd like to meet your son one day."
"I'll save you the trouble -- he looks like a Cenobite from Hellraiser, and a Muppet at the same time."
"Geez. What happened?"
"I think it's because I tried forcing him into football when he was nine."
"That's not too bad."
"Also, there was this time at the zoo when an elephant shit on his head in front of a girl he liked."
"Pretty bad, but still."

NEW LINKS ADDED

www.katiecrown.com -- Katie is a true wonder.
http://tomdhenry.blogspot.com -- I saw Tom do stand up recently and this is his funny internet.

Don't forget to check out the other links too. From now on I'm going to tell you when I add them and force you to visit so everyone gets along. According to society, a sense of community is as important as waste management, law and playgrounds.

I haven't watched Survivor starring Jeff Probst since season 2 or something, but Liv and I caught the season premiere of the new one and it was great because there's this little tough guy who is crazy.

This is Russell -- he's the type of guy whose nickname is probably "Tiny".

First, he made secret alliances with everyone on his team and then called all the women stupid. Then, while everyone was sleeping he emptied all the canteens and threw people's socks in the fire and when this poor guy woke up he was like "I don't know what happened to my socks, but my feet hurt and I need socks real bad". I thought Russell would get caught, but his plan worked and everyone got mad at each other probably because they had no socks or water. Then when this nice, hot lady got a bit wise to his dealings, he convinced everyone to vote her off. What a dung!

Jokes: What do you call barnyard nonsense? A crock-a-doodle-do.

Or a "Country Crock" if you're into spreads.

Pretty brutal, but they'll work on the old folks and kids, who think farms are the best until they discover multiplexes and "the mall".

I MADE A MOVIE WITH MY DAD CALLED 'PALS'

Have you ever got the feeling that you're due for an award?

I have a spotless driving record, I visit with my family all the time, I praise my friends for their accomplishments, I buy cancer lottery tickets, I know my basic dinosaurs, I support gay marriage, I'm good with money, I have a steady job, I can cook, I love birds, I play the guitar, I shower every day, I'm nice to strangers, I appreciated the night sky, I don't dumb down things when I talk to children, I feel bad for old people, I only mock those who mock others, and I ride a bike.

So please nominate me for something. I don't need a trophy, but a gala dinner would be nice.

Check out this buried treasure:

This blog is going to have a lot of different features and fun interviews with your favourite celebrities.

I’m the author and I’m 25 years old. I’m going to use this blog to make you think I do more with my life than you do. I’m also going to use it as a hangout for my thoughts. It’s going to be the Wendy’s of the Internet, but instead of cheeseburgers you get Times New Romans and instead of paying money you pay me with attention.

I found that on my computer's "Documents" folder. It's from when I was first formulating this blog a couple years back, along with a new kind of cola that also works as a marinade for lamb. Turns out kids don't like the cool taste of oregano.

My prophecies were true! Tthis blog truly IS the Wendy's of the Internet, and we've all had a lot of fun with some great celebrity interviews over the years, haven't we? Who can forget this classic with Survivor's Jeff Probst:

WIDAHIA - Hi Jeff, I noticed you're not wearing your signature khaki adventure wear.

JP - Yeah, weird! No big deal though. It's my daughter's wedding today and as they said in Survivor Australia, "Different pants for different evants".

WIDAHIA - When's the wedding?

JP - We're about ten minutes in now.

WIDAHIA - Shouldn't you be there?

JP - Who says I'm not, Buster Brown?

WIDAHIA - Okay, even if you are there, you're wearing a old t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Where's your tux?

JP - Up your butt and around the corner. You know where I first heard that retort? Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, 1976.

WIDAHIA - Can you tell us anything about the new season?

JP - Autumn?

WIDAHIA - No, your show on CBS - Survivor?

JP - Baby, that's real life!

Mr. Probst then exited, leaving behind an autographed 8x10 of himself and three packages of unopened Upper Deck baseball cards with a note that said "In your dreams big guy".