KIDS WANT TO SWING ON VINES AND CHECK OUT QUICK SAND, BUT MAN, IT NEVER HAPPENS

Hey buddies -- it's Tuesday, the most inoffensive day of the week. Should I make it offensive? Yeah man:

I bet this guy's favourite food is cotton candy. That's not even a face anymore, it's a Christmas tree.

"Hey Joe, I'd like to meet your son one day."
"I'll save you the trouble -- he looks like a Cenobite from Hellraiser, and a Muppet at the same time."
"Geez. What happened?"
"I think it's because I tried forcing him into football when he was nine."
"That's not too bad."
"Also, there was this time at the zoo when an elephant shit on his head in front of a girl he liked."
"Pretty bad, but still."

NEW LINKS ADDED

www.katiecrown.com -- Katie is a true wonder.
http://tomdhenry.blogspot.com -- I saw Tom do stand up recently and this is his funny internet.

Don't forget to check out the other links too. From now on I'm going to tell you when I add them and force you to visit so everyone gets along. According to society, a sense of community is as important as waste management, law and playgrounds.

I haven't watched Survivor starring Jeff Probst since season 2 or something, but Liv and I caught the season premiere of the new one and it was great because there's this little tough guy who is crazy.

This is Russell -- he's the type of guy whose nickname is probably "Tiny".

First, he made secret alliances with everyone on his team and then called all the women stupid. Then, while everyone was sleeping he emptied all the canteens and threw people's socks in the fire and when this poor guy woke up he was like "I don't know what happened to my socks, but my feet hurt and I need socks real bad". I thought Russell would get caught, but his plan worked and everyone got mad at each other probably because they had no socks or water. Then when this nice, hot lady got a bit wise to his dealings, he convinced everyone to vote her off. What a dung!

Jokes: What do you call barnyard nonsense? A crock-a-doodle-do.

Or a "Country Crock" if you're into spreads.

Pretty brutal, but they'll work on the old folks and kids, who think farms are the best until they discover multiplexes and "the mall".