DIVE DOWN AS DEEP AS YOU WANT BUT I'M TELLING YOU THERE'S NO HONEY DOWN THERE

SAMPLER

Apples, cheese, nails, and wall paper -- the kind of stuff you'd find in a traditional modern sampler. Today, like a lot of days on my Internet, I'm going to provide with a sample of thoughts and squirts meant to encourage conversation about the world we live in today. I feel like I haven't been very communicative lately both in real life and in cyberspace so if the following feels disjointed and doesn't make much sense at all, please realize I'm just having a good long barf. 

First up,

ART WORLD

Here's a digital piece I made yesterday. If I were going to lie to you in a funny way I'd say something like "The Prince of Tourism sent me an email asking if I'd be interested in helping them out with a new campaign. A barrel of figs and an email money transfer later, I took to the Photoshop." But I do that a lot and no one believes me anyway. I was just dickin' around! I wondered what C-3PO would look like with beautiful eyes and the rest wrote itself. In retrospect I should've added a little birdie on the the bot's finger. Or if I was better at Photoshop I could've added another human reacting to the smell of the finger, the result of the classic gas joke.

Art World Op-Ed

There's this beautiful time-lapse video of Toronto going around and everyone's like "I forgot how pretty this place is" and, "we're lucky to live here". I'm weary of this. I'm weary of photos that look better than real life. It's not about capturing a moment anymore, it's about making a things look as if the original FX team for TRON added a touch of their signature spice. I walk around this town every day and I look up and sideways and I see the same stuff but unfortunately my eyeballs don't have a telephoto lens and my brain doesn't have Nikon's SteadyShot CrystalVision HD HighGloss InferREAD technology. There's too many cameras out there. No one is satisfied with just looking at things anymore. Pass me the gin I'm thirsty!

WHERE'S WALDO?

Waldo is in the sparkle of every child's eye when they visit the aquarium for the first time and there's a penguin who shares their name.

Good Living Tip (cc Chatelaine Magazine)

Count your spoons every night before you go to bed so that lost spoons is one less thing you have to worry about during the quiet retrospection before the morning bungee jump.

The Best Way To Communicate Today

Because I have a degree in Communication Studies I often get asked, "What's the best way to communicate these days?". The easy answer is shouting and wiggles, but when it comes to today's technocracy a mobile phone hard wired to an ultra-fast multi-bit grid is your best bet. If you don't have the tools to build one yourself then take a couple hours, get out of the lab and head to the mall where quality, pre-made units are readily available, albeit for an inflated price. Don't be perturbed as these manufacturers need to take into account labour and staff dinners at the crab shack to recoup costs and turn a profit ensuring the gladness of their lords.

Once purchased fill your new unit with definite and probable contacts using your personal phone page that ideally should be locked away in the vault. In any case, call your definite contacts and re-introduce yourself, letting them know that due to your new equipment, your voice may seem distant and ghostly. If two or more of your definite contacts do not believe you, arrange for a community roundtable where you can give a live demo and ease their trembles. For your probable contacts, come up with a question that when answered correctly will allow the contact to move to your definite list. If they answer incorrectly, either delete them entirely and take down their photo from "The Wall of Them", or have them remain as probable and ask them a new question the following quarter. Here's an example of a conversation I had recently with a former co-worker, Bill, whose number I wasn't sure I needed to keep:

Me: Hello, Bill?
Bill: Yes, who is this? (Bill did not recognize my new number or the digital projection of my voice)
Me: Bill. Tell me: When the jester smiles, the king cries blood and two princes dance with shame. The queen lurks behind the throne but no one knows her name. Who killed the king, Bill?
Bill: Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Answer right, don't answer poor and I will assign you speed dial four.
*Bill Hangs Up*

I was now free to omit Bill from my new unit and move on to more potentially deserving candidates.

If this sounds like shit then just use flags.

Have a great weekend, no weak ends! It's getting cold outside so wrap your willy in a condom and do the wild thing, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ya. Ladies, bra away as usual, keep those bongos blazin'!

DON'T HAVE A FAVOURITE COLOUR? HOW ABOUT MEDIUM GREEN?

It's days like this that I feel like a big pile of hay -- hay being the most boring substance on Earth next to paper. It's hard to be the host of a website such as this when you feel like a pile of hay, because you readers are like sharks. Sharks don't eat hay because it tastes like hay, and like humans, sharks enjoy the pleasure derived from tasty things like meat and shrimp. Meat and shrimp are packed not only with nutrients and world class flavour nooks, but also hilarious jokes and pop culture critiques. I'm going to potentially make an ass out of you and me, and choose to believe that you understand what on God's Green Shirt I'm talking about.

The point of all that avoiding spelling out my mood, was to avoid stating the obvious which is:

I always start my day with a big mug of loose excrement

That fat cat Garfield was right about everything, from loving lasagna to hating dogs and Mondays. That guy hated Mondays and he didn't even work! Is that why people thought it was so funny, or was it because it was coming from a generally funny cat?

Anyway, it's real tough for the privileged to go to a job after a weekend packed with experiences that would get a "thumbs up" from most modern party champions. Not the kind of party champions who go to exclusive events and Internet-approved bars and clubs; the kind who need to be holding an open cell phone, a cigarette or a Internet-approved value beer or else see their cred be flushed down the cocaine-dusted toilet bowl. I don't go to those things because they never serve chicken wings and I can only handle so many female bangs before I throw up my arms and say "save us Vidal Sassoon!!"

On Friday me and the fellas put on the third edition of GONG THE SHOW and it was the best one yet. Here are some choice shots from disgruntled Raptors fan, Andrew Steenberg:

Law & Order alumnist Phil Burke gets some "face time" with host Brendan Halloran

Georgea and Sarah dressed as cats have a cat fight, which straddled the line between adult entertainment and funny adult entertainment.

I played a middle-aged man that happened to walk by the bar and became a judge, while Andy portrayed strung out businessman who didn't know what year it was.

Greg Cochrane amazes by playing something called a "Stringed Jolly"

Mark Andrada drinks 12 eggs with beer and spit, while cat lady Georgea and 3-time champ Jon Blair stand by to catch vomit.

I also played a rousing game of frisbee golf with DJ Wes Allen, and this guy from Connecticut we met on the course who loves the Legend of Zelda waaaaaay more than frisbee golf. He kind of reminded me of Gandhi from Clone High, but I say that about every American guy I meet.

On Sunday I went to the Queen West Art Crawl to check out Rachael and Julia's respective booths, while eating corn and pork before playing a three man tennis match. Beat that you socialites! I just love taking advantage of a mixed-use facility such as The Park. All your activities blend into a delicious smooth drink:

The art inspired my hunger, which led to the corn, which inspired my tum tum to eat a pork sandwich, which gave me fuel to play tennis, artful tennis, beautiful ground strokes inspired by the strokes of the art and artists I had just seen. Then I visited mom and dad!

My next post will be post #500, and will feature a collection of this site's top poo jokes over the years, as well as greetings from some of your favourite characters like fart king Dingbat Ploof and absentee father, Wade Boggs.