DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S HERE

When I got sick after I got back from my trip I was freaked out because being sick is not ssssick. After a couple days of staying home, drinking liquids and playing Ouija Board by myself to try discover new swear words (you bloot) I decided it was time to check in with my doctor friend, my doctor. He was all like "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you feel bad, there's no drug for shitting and having the flu", but he gave me a note that allowed me to cop some antibiotics just in case.

Well guy, I still felt like a wall of slaves on Monday and keeping with my family's motto of "By Any Means Necessary" I started taking antibiotics, even though the good bacteria in my body was screaming in my ear, "We have activities planned this week!". I don't like modifying my body as much as I don't like modifying people's perceptions of the Smokey and the Bandit series (it is what it is), and the side effects of 'shitty taste in mouth' and 'greater risk of watery d's' aren't my cup of rum, but I ate them anyway.

The Point?

This was all leading to something about me never getting Bacterial Vaginosis, but that's obvious considering I have one of the most talked-about dongs in North America due to its perfect symmetry. If you plug my the dimensions of my hose into the Pythagorean Theorum you end up with a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

What's happenin' in Egypt? If I lived in the country that invented paper, big pyramids and the concept of "babes", I'd be smiling more than the Cheshire Cat at Christmastime. Of course, the Cheshire Cat would be considered a God if he lived in Egypt, which probably means that cat sales and evening pettings are skyrocketing as we speak. I don't think the country is in big time trouble until we see herds of dogs chasing all the cats into the Nile. If I name my next kitty "God" will you be made at me? I once had a Nine Inch Nails shirt that said "closer to god" on the back and part of me was worried that if I wore it to school I'd get in trouble, as if "god" was a swear word. I'm naming my next t-shirt "closer to shit". I would've had a case had that been the case.


Dear Egyptians,

Clam down. I meant "calm". But you might also want to clam down. I'm pretty sure the Mediterranean (that big old salty bitch at your northern tip) has a bounty of fresh seafood, and I know that when me and my dad get into it, nothing calms us more than a clam down. Take your biggest pot, filled it with clams, potatoes (you guys have potatoes? Don't use figs), corn, garlic, white wine and maybe a splash of water and hot sauce, and just boil away while you watch the sun and talk about sports you might want to start ignoring. I'm no expert on the Red Sea (that skinny bean to your right), but it's probably good for something considering your cat gods decided to start your country on its bright pink shores. Surely there's some fish worthy of a cookout in there somewhere.

Love,
Canada

I'M SO STUPID I THINK LEATHER COMES FROM TREES

Fearing another wasted weekend day, I woke up this morning, tied up my pants, waxed my nose, grabbed my girl by the hair and was off to the AGO to check out King Tut on his last day in town. It was a pretty good experience because I love ancient things, but it was a bit crowded and everyone was moving slow.

Here are some thoughts on Egypt:

Every time you see something about Egypt and the Pharaohs, it's always very mysterious and mystical and there's all this spine tingling music and statements like "the Egyptians were a mysterious and mystical people". I bet if you went back in time though, you'd find them all pretty silly. The music that plays in your head would be more like Yakety Sax. People praying to cats, people not knowing what the sun is, people who don't even know about outer space, people who think farts are sacred... the list goes on. The only trouble is that murder wasn't as bad back then because they had way more excuses, so you would probably get killed pretty quick because you talk different and you keep asking dumb questions. Your murderer would get away scot-free because he'd just say he did it because Anubis came to him in a dream, dreams being the most trusted source of knowledge back then as well as legal tender.


I also think that the Ancient Egyptians didn't have a lot of fun. They spent their lives having kids, praying, and carving things all damn day. The only fun they ever had was probably swimming and maybe playing games that we'd think are total shit. But that's not their fault, and I'm sure they still knew how to party, except instead of music and DJs they'd get the best and most sacred cats together and just listen to the purs and meows while drinking alcoholic mud drinks and smoking old fur.

We got some grilled cheese at the Grilled Cheese after, and I was disappointed to find out that they had no soup on today. You guys don't even know how much I love soup. That's half the reason I even wanted to go the damn place. Anyway, the grilled cheese was good but didn't really make my ears flap all that much. I gotta have soup with my grilled cheese. It was like going to Hooters and having a boy serve you, am I right hetero males?

UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE LOST MY SENSE OF FART

This morning Liv informed me that she didn't "get" my Life of a Mohawk cartoon. Despite being a self-proclaimed "Master of Film", she didn't understand the Travis Bickle reference, or the fact that the main character is a mohawk hairdo. Now I leave it up to you, fans of the Internet, to either make me look stupid and tell me you didn't get it either, or make her look stupid by saying it was as easy to understand as the cooking instructions to these delicious, instant hot dogs I once enjoyed in Florida:
Or you can stay neutral and enjoy this simple, easy to understand classic from the archives:


I've been thinking a lot of Egypt lately because the AGO is about to unleash a King Tut exhibit and it's up the street from my house. This guy is standing out front to promote it:

How is a boy supposed to walk by that every day and not get hot for Egypt? Anyway, this morning I was shaving my beard fur, and I got thinking about haircuts in Ancient Egypt. Whenever you see pictures of what people believe Cleopatra and that young strapper, King Tut looked like, they appear beautiful and well kept, right? But were there hair dressers around back then? Did people even give a care? When did barbers come around? I like to think that they all cut their own hair, so if you went back in time you'd see a bunch of people who just figured out they could have a short style, but all they had to cut the hair was clay knives and cat's teeth so they all looked terrible. That's my kind of history.

Now lets say there were such a thing as professional hair stylists back then. If that's the case then they must have styled the weirdest 'dos, because of the tools available and because they're just totally crazy compared to us. Like, we can't even comprehend the crazy styles because it was all so long ago and the most futuristic thing they had around was beads. Either that or they all just looked like us, I don't really know.

In conclusion, I really want to go to Egypt and I'd love to learn more about the history of haircuts. I also solved the problem of having too much jam by getting into "Cheesecake Bagels" or "Bleeding Albinos" where you toast a bagel and smother it in cream cheese and jam. Feed it to your kids next time you're at the in-laws' or at the camper with Uncle Robes.