HONK ONCE FOR WASPS, TWICE FOR YOU'RE TIRED

CANADA DAY LONG WEEKEND

Canada, a country the whole world sees as being just fine, is turning 145 years old on Sunday. July is a strange time to have a birthday considering most foreigners think we got icy nips 365 out of 365, but I'm not complaining, July is when anyone across the country can make their own raisins.

To commemorate this great place that I've jammed in my whole life, I've written lyrics to a brand new birthday song that reflects our multiculturalism and relative young age compared to old heavy hitters such as Niger. I hope that singing this song around a bucket of cake will become your family's July 1 tradition for years to come.

"We're Canada"

It's a big fuckin' place with lots of great lakes

And we make the syrup that goes on your 'cakes

It's a friendly mass full of black oil and gas

And we invented sports, milk, pizza and jazz

We're not a bunch of assholes, just visit and see

We call soda 'pop' and we fuckin' love trees

We're CANADA!

Home of the best

We're CANADA!

This is our nest

We're CANADA!

We put gravy on fries

Let's get naked and watch that flag rise

We breed huge meese and the plumpest of geese

And when it gets cold we eat soup and wear fleece

We make lots of jokes about U.S.A. folks

And we bike with tennis balls stuck in our spokes

Our money looks awesome, and healthcare is free

Rest in Peace Mr. Dressup and John Candy

We're CANADA!

Home of the best

We're CANADA!

This is our nest

We're CANADA!

We're an attractive lot

Check out all the big fuckin' fish that we've caught

[Freestyle Hip Hop Interlude by the Rascalz]

[Reggae Interlude by Snow]

[Guitar Solo]

[Church Choir chanting]

Happy Birthday to my country dad

I can't believe all the fun we've had

From Nova Scotia all the way to BC

Fuckin' true north strong and free


And for those sticking around this weekend, I'll be hosting a fireworks potluck on the roof of the Eaton Centre starting at sundown. Don't bother bringing chips because I have a potato guy who's hooking me up with six sacks of PEI's finest. I'm going to debut a new type of home fry that might help bring molasses back into the mainstream. 

HONKY TONK TANK TOP

For the last, oh I don't know, 46 years, I've been having this recurring dream where I'm in school and there's these two or three classes that I never go to and the dream always involves me worrying that I'm too far behind. Finally, last night, amongst dreams of unsuccessfully making small talk with John Cusack, I think I may have reached the conclusion of the school saga.

In last night's episode the school year was almost ending and I again realized that I hadn't been to these few classes since the beginning of the year, only this time I loosened up and said to myself "who cares? I don't need a science credit! My career can still prosper". Hopefully this is a sign that in real life I WILL meet John Cusack and that I'll finally be able to accept that I never graduated high school. April fools, not only did I graduate but I did so with a 79 average. I feel like 79 is pretty much my average in all of life. The problem with those who ended up getting high grades like nutty nines, is that they scored very low in "skipping school and eating bagels", meaning they haven't really lived.

The other night I wanted a bowl of cereal, but not a whole bowl so I just filled my mouth with Corn Pops and then drank some milk. I felt so good about this afterward that I thought to myself, "this is something I may teach my kids".

I haven't been writing in this window much lately because I've been too wound up in beach parties and pineapple socials. It all sounds glamorous, but the reality is that for some people, managing high season fun can be difficult. Take me for example (obviously):

Age: 28
Sex: Male. yes please! Austin Powers 1
Hair: Brown and thin
Head: child 8-12

Analyze the data with a cold drink and hang out.


Don't worry if you didn't get it, who cares if you're stupid. Anyway, the problem for me is that I pretty much need to wear a hat in the sun or else my scalp with get scorched. I have enough hair that I can't sunscreen my head or else my hair will get greasy and I can't have that because I'm a Soc through and through. What about my perfect eyes? I'd like to protect them with glasses, but since I always have to wear a hat and since my head is so small, it's hard to fit so many things in such a tiny surface. I can make it work, but it's kind of uncomfortable and by the time I get it all on, the only pieces of face I get to show off is a bit of cheek and my mouth, which is my WORST feature!

My cousin used to always say, "a picture is worth a thousand dollars" so the Canada Day weekend is best summed up with this photo of my friend taken by my friend (and friend's girlfriend), Rachael at the place where us friends got together to eat and stay:

CANADA DAY SHOULD BE EVERY DAY BUT NOT LIKE THE ANNUAL CANADA DAY

Happy Canada Day! You're still a teenager in country years.




I wish I had the patience to compile a Douglas Coupland style list of unique Canadian things that I like, but as far as lists go if the content isn't available off the top of my head I don't bother. Here are some tidbits regardless because it's Canada's birthday and it's the one day in the year we all feel proud to be nice guys.

The best Canada Day I've had in recent memory was a few years ago when I was in London. It was toward the end of a European Tour and we went to this Canadian Pub to celebrate. I was feeling homesick but when we started partying the homesickness gave way to a sense of pride as we sipped Moosehead, listened to Tom Cochrane and ate poutine. It's kinda shit that I had to go to a different country to feel that way, but whatever works, right?

I felt the same way when my sister and I were in California and we saw the Tragically Hip in San Francisco. I don't like it when people nay say the Hip. If some guy from another nation was like "show me some Canadian music" I'd make him listen to the Hip for sure. If you disagree you can just frig out of here and eat some Haw Flakes in a dark corner.

I'm pretty Canadian. Hockey is one of my favourite things, I like our beer a whole lot and I love it when Canadians get world famous. When I went to San Francisco the first time, my friends and I were at a bar and talking to some locals when I started flashing my Health Card around and bragging about how easy it is if we get sick or injured.

So important

That's pretty much it for the Canada Day edition. Not the best, not the worst, just right. Stay tuned for my 4th of July BLOWOUT, where I heap praise upon Uncle Sam and his friends Abe Lincoln and Arnold Palmer.