MANY YEARS AGO, IN A TENT FAR, FAR FROM WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR BIKE

Everyone loves Shakespeare so much, and so many people think she's the best writer there ever was, right? Has there ever been a writer who fully admits to being influenced by Shakespeare and tries to write in the exact same style but it doesn't matter because they're all like "He's my greatest inspiration"? Here's how that might play out:

You 

What are you working on?

Friend 

Just trying to finish this new play. I'm on the second quarto.

You 

Uhh, Cool. I thought I heard you were writing a play, what's it all about?

Friend 

It's pretty much like, half Macbeth, half Merchant of Venice.

You 

Oh, sounds good, like loosely based?

Friend 

Of course, but Shakespeare is my biggest inspiration.

You 

That makes sense, that guy wrote some great stuff. Can you read me some?

Friend 

Sure! Here's a part where the farm girl, Nancy, is talking all sexy to Prince Barry: "Dost Twine upon a lovely boredom, for spring cannot and will not intend to justify the stars. Hark Barry! Me thought thine iPod twitch'd rarely in unseen majestics"

You 

Yeah man, that's uh, that's pretty funny.

Friend 

Um, no. She's talking about being depressed in the modern age. 

You 

Fuck you Troy. By the way, I know you've never seen Pulp Fiction even though you told me it was one of your favourites.

Friend 

Fuck you Lenny, I have seen it and my sister even owns it.

You 

Where does Christopher Walken hide the watch?

Friend 

A hollowed out book?

You 

I knew it!

Friend 

I haven't seen it since '95, I swear. I remember the part where John Travolta dances.

You 

Everyone knows that part. I'm leaving and I'm taking a Gatorade with me. 

Friend 

It's my last one, asshole, don't.

You 

There's like, four in here. 

Friend 

Okay, you can have one.  

Does that happen in the literary world? I'm just so full of questions today!


Why don't babies drink water?
Why don't ghosts ever go outside?
What was the last book Michael Jackson read?
Are all perverts who want to have sex with fish SCUBA divers?

The answer to the last one is 100% yes I bet.

Billiam Sharkspear (better name)


COOL CORNER

Turns out my air conditioner is just fine, which is damn good news considering today is so hot that ear wax is flowing onto the streets like chocolate milk out of the dick of a brown cow. 
 
To celebrate, here's a new cartoon featuring everyone's favourite scapegoat, the sun. I've been thinking a lot of about the sun and moon lately, and I think that if I were to worship anyone, it'd be those guys. The sun does everything God claims he can do (keep things alive, give you that nice tan you want) while the moon is so crazy it moves water and has something to do with menstruation which is crazy enough as it is. The sun is like Gandalf and the moon is like Saruman.
 

Click to bigger

TOON TANG

TODAY IS THE HOTTEST DAY OF ALL TIME

And I'm not even exaggerating like when I said nectarines are better than chocolate bars. Luckily, I'll spend the majority of the day in a modern, air conditioned office enjoying viral videos of Torontonians cooking things on things that aren't stoves and monitoring the news for stories about people complaining.

I could tell you about 50 ways to beat the heat, but you can't beat heat like this. You can't even wound heat like this. If you took this heat out for dinner it'd order the most expensive dish, make you pay then wait to take a dump at your place because it thinks the toilet paper at your place is better than the restaurant's.

To keep things light and airy today, here are the tombstones of three people who died from the heat today. And don't worry, all three were assholes and all three wouldn't shut up about how fans "just move the hot air around".





Imagine Christmas was in the summer? Is that what "Another Earth" is about?

OIL EXECS LOVE FINDING "STUFFED CRUST"

This image fits what you're about to read so perfectly that I don't even care if you read the rest.

Most of the world is hot right now, except those dumb places in the arctic and shit where they don't even have TVs so they don't know what's going on and who's banging who etc. The rest of us are having BBQs in swimming pools and breathing heat and farting lava. This weather is great for playing sports and providing an excuse for dumb haircuts, but I think it's more powerful than that. Here's what I mean:

What happens when you get hot? You get nude and thirsty. The popular belief is that either whales, Bono or aliens will create world peace, but I have a simpler, more refreshing idea - COLD DRINKS.

After most people take a glug from a coldy, they make the noise "aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" because it feels so damn good lubing up your hotter-than-hell throat. We wouldn't need cold drinks or cough lozenges if God had only blessed us with cool throats. Would our singers improve? Maybe that's why he did it. His favourite song is the one about pasta by Pavaroti, one of our best hot throats. Anyway, have you ever heard of someone murdering someone else while enjoying a cold glass of iced tea? If I walked down the street right now with a wagon full of cold piss I'd sell out in 5 minutes, making enough money to buy myself a drink that isn't piss but then would turn into more piss to sell, ice cold.

Instead of Earth Day lets just have Drink Day. The collective "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" would be so loud and comforting that dolphins would get nervous.

So yeah, pat me on the back and buy me a Mr. Big for this idea, but don't start praying to me yet. I know how to save the world but I also know how to destroy small parts of it. Yesterday, we left a window open by accident and instead of a cool breeze, the only thing we brought into our house was like, 30 flies. Flies mean two things - buzzing and... flies.

I killed so many damn flies, probably 20 at least. Like, I fucked up a lot flies. All I used was a t-shirt for whipping and a can of air freshener, which makes flies die from smelling good. You know the term "dropping like flies"? I experienced that term yesterday. After I freshened a couple of hard to get butt fuckers, they'd fly around for a bit, probably trying to find a pile of shit to eat before they die, and then they'd just fall out of the sky. I almost felt bad but then I pictured them being larvae and I was like "you're born disgusting then you turn disgusting, shit-eating and annoying. No pity".

This is how I picture my opponents when I play sports or go out looking for tail

BACK IS BLACK

I want to discuss how hot it is outside, but looking back, I've already written extensively on the topic. That's not to say that every hot day is the same, I mean some melt popsicles faster than others, but I don't want you to feel like I have 100 hot day anecdotes filed away in a shoe box mistakenly labelled "Polaroids of boys with silly eyes". The silly eye box actually has my collection of magazine ads with lingerie models who look like Christopher Lloyd, which I keep in case the Internet breaks so I can quench people's thirst for memes and become king of the new world. Are you confused? I hope so. Everything I own is mislabeled in case my worst fear comes true where moving companies take over the world by stealing and moving everyone's stuff to a dog-guarded, cat-encrusted mega warehouse where they'll stage a garage sale that will make them the richest labour force in the modern world, richer than the guys who clean volcanoes . If the unthinkable happens, I'm covered. Good luck categorizing my shit, AMJ Campbell.

Don't worry, I'm not actually going to stop myself from spewing out sentences about myself living in summer. I'm a mature man now. I own two bathing suits. One's for oceans, lakes and chlorine pools and the other is for ponds, rivers and streams. Just joking, they're both for water no matter where it gurgles, except that one is aimed at making blondes melt while the other gets the brunettes weak at the knees. I keep laminated copies of my phone number stashed in each suit's underpant lining just in case I meet a hot slice of Eve down in the depths.

Surprisingly, I haven't heard too many people complain about this latest stretch of heat. You know what would stop people complaining altogether? Palm trees. Palm trees looks like a reggae man's head, produce delicious palm treats (genus - nut, species - coconut) and can be found in Earth's mist acceptable hot ass places. When it's hot outside and I stop to scope out an extra-white birch tree I'm all like "you make me want to hang myself". You see, deciduous trees are just like us - they hate squirrels and they change with the seasons, so when we look at the them it's like we're looking at our frowning selves staring back at us. When you look at a palm tree you see Summer Dude who cringes at sweaters and has never even tasted snow.

Not THE summer dude, but A summer dude

Here's a summer poem written last summer. That means it's "vintage" now and THAT means it's smellier and cheaper but more fashionable than last time.

The Weather this summer

Holy shit it’s been hot
Imagine you were a bear?

Those guys have body beards
And sweat their fair share

Hairy men suffer too
But enough with the gents

Are tits like insulators?
Are vaginas like vents?

Maybe women are like camels
Their humps keep them icy

But hot milk goes sour
Does heat make tits smell not nicey?

Picture a bear with big tits
she’d be in summer hell

Full circle poem huh?
Hot, bear, tits, milk, camels

This one is all wrapped up
So feel the damn heat

And men just remember boys
Chill out your wife’s teats

HEY RED BARON, EAT CLOUDS!

I've been very busy lately tending to my pastures and watching the new Global Reality Channel, featuring some of your all-time faves - Survivor, Fear Factor, and even Snot Swap.

MID SUMMER REPORT CARD
The mind of a man created this

Is this even the middle of summer? What day is it? Who are you? I'm Glenn, a real guy from the well-planned roads of Toronto. This summer has been one hot mother fucker. My now deep black skin glistens like the Internet in January and I've eaten so many Creamsicles that Popsicle Pete is shaking in his frosty panties because he's scared he's going to run out I guess. The hot sun has drawn out a maximum amount of skin-baring babes like the cool round moon brings out werewolves and astro-dweebs. With that in mind, the summer already achieves an Eh Plus (OH CANADA, OUR HOME ON NATIVE LAND).

Maybe an A+ is a bit overboard, because I haven't played nearly as much tennis as I had planned to and I still think I should lay in grassy fields more. Also, I haven't been berry pickin' once! My mom used to take us all the time, but now that I'm an urban cosmopolitan yuppie type, I generally turn my nose up at leaving the confides of downtown to go bend over in the mud for a few hours. Just joking, I simply haven't the desire.



I think this rules?

What can we expect to see in Q2 summer 2010?

A new style of lady bathing wear that combines the sleek lines of a one-piece, with added flippers, a built in hood with goggle, and a thonged buttock.

LeBron James will take his talents to the Culinary Institute of America where he'll do some lovely things with tomatoes

Kids addicted to video games will finally go outside and get way into swings.

Waterworld

S'mores will replace roast beef on Sundays

This entry took me so damn long. My favourite part is the link to Tom Morello. What's yours this time?

GLENN
"Summer of 69s"