MANY YEARS AGO, IN A TENT FAR, FAR FROM WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR BIKE

Everyone loves Shakespeare so much, and so many people think she's the best writer there ever was, right? Has there ever been a writer who fully admits to being influenced by Shakespeare and tries to write in the exact same style but it doesn't matter because they're all like "He's my greatest inspiration"? Here's how that might play out:

You 

What are you working on?

Friend 

Just trying to finish this new play. I'm on the second quarto.

You 

Uhh, Cool. I thought I heard you were writing a play, what's it all about?

Friend 

It's pretty much like, half Macbeth, half Merchant of Venice.

You 

Oh, sounds good, like loosely based?

Friend 

Of course, but Shakespeare is my biggest inspiration.

You 

That makes sense, that guy wrote some great stuff. Can you read me some?

Friend 

Sure! Here's a part where the farm girl, Nancy, is talking all sexy to Prince Barry: "Dost Twine upon a lovely boredom, for spring cannot and will not intend to justify the stars. Hark Barry! Me thought thine iPod twitch'd rarely in unseen majestics"

You 

Yeah man, that's uh, that's pretty funny.

Friend 

Um, no. She's talking about being depressed in the modern age. 

You 

Fuck you Troy. By the way, I know you've never seen Pulp Fiction even though you told me it was one of your favourites.

Friend 

Fuck you Lenny, I have seen it and my sister even owns it.

You 

Where does Christopher Walken hide the watch?

Friend 

A hollowed out book?

You 

I knew it!

Friend 

I haven't seen it since '95, I swear. I remember the part where John Travolta dances.

You 

Everyone knows that part. I'm leaving and I'm taking a Gatorade with me. 

Friend 

It's my last one, asshole, don't.

You 

There's like, four in here. 

Friend 

Okay, you can have one.  

Does that happen in the literary world? I'm just so full of questions today!


Why don't babies drink water?
Why don't ghosts ever go outside?
What was the last book Michael Jackson read?
Are all perverts who want to have sex with fish SCUBA divers?

The answer to the last one is 100% yes I bet.

Billiam Sharkspear (better name)


COOL CORNER

Turns out my air conditioner is just fine, which is damn good news considering today is so hot that ear wax is flowing onto the streets like chocolate milk out of the dick of a brown cow. 
 
To celebrate, here's a new cartoon featuring everyone's favourite scapegoat, the sun. I've been thinking a lot of about the sun and moon lately, and I think that if I were to worship anyone, it'd be those guys. The sun does everything God claims he can do (keep things alive, give you that nice tan you want) while the moon is so crazy it moves water and has something to do with menstruation which is crazy enough as it is. The sun is like Gandalf and the moon is like Saruman.
 

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