DUST FOR PRINTS BUT SAVE THE DUST WE HAVE A HAUNTED HOUSE TO DRESS

MOVIE REVIEW -- JAMES BOND'S SKYFALL

James Bond Part 23 was a really fun movie with everything you like about the popular British sex machine. He shoots guns, drives vehicles really well, never seems to eat and bonks every attractive female he comes across. The villain was also great, this time portrayed by Javier Bardem, one of Hollywood's scariest Spaniards. There's this one part where he takes out his fake teeth because his real teeth are all messed up and it was very gross! You don't want your villains to be pretty, trust me. Just ask James Cameron if he regrets casting Billy Zane as the evil boatman in Titanic. He'd tell you, "Yes, I wish I had've hired this waiter at Denny's that I know of. Never have a seen a wartier neck."

This time around our main man Bond has to stop Bardem from killing his boss, M, played by Judi Dench who is so old she remembers a time when humans could eat rocks no problem. Kidding, she looks great for 160. Kidding, for real, kidding. There isn't that much more to say other than that. Sam Mendes did a great job telling everyone where to stand and how to walk and Adele wrote a cool song called "Skyfall", which is the perfect title for a movie called "Skyfall". 

Let's just cut the chase here -- James Bond's penis. There's one scene in Skyfall where our hero sneaks into a babe's shower and instantly bangs her even though they'd only had one conversation prior. Here's what I want to know -- did he give himself a boner well before he stepped into the shower or did he wait until the last second, inflating the balloon just before the ordeal was officially deemed "sex". He knows what women want and I don't so I can't say for sure. I'm willing to bet he waited. But he is a famous killing machine so there's a good "shot" he went "in" to the shower "fully loaded". 

With this latest incarnation of James Bond played by Daniel Craig, they've played around with all the classic James Bond characters and gadgets and stuff, but they still haven't addressed his penis. Here's how the next movie should go:

- We open as James Bond chases a man on a camel up the walls of the Great Pyramind of Giza. 

- As Bond reaches the apex of the pyramid, he looks down the other side and the culprit has disappared.

- He slides down the pyramid but when he reaches the bottom he falls through a secret passage. 

- A big snake bites off part of his dick but he still manages to shoot the man and retrieve the big crown  he was chasin'.

- Back at MI6 M tells Bond he needs a vacation. They both decide that Utah would be nice. 

- When he gets to Utah he goes to grab a burger and immediately wants to bang the cashier.

- He meets her in the bathroom, they start kissing but Bond remembers he only has half a dick.

- He rides his motorcycle into the desert.

- After eating cacti and snorting snake venom for a week straight, Bond is found passed out by a hippie who drags him into his igloo made of mud. 

- He helps Bond get over his addictions and Bond finally opens up and discusses his lost dick. 

- The hippie says he has lots of old dicks he's collected over the years and that Bond can have one. 

- He picks one that used to belong to a drag racer named Piston. 

- Bond begins his training again and re-learns how to use his dick like a pro -- Boner control, odd tricks, puppetry, and regular peeing.

- Bond heads back to England, bangs 200 girls in 48 hours then heads to a match between Chelsea and Tottenham. 

- A villain interupts the game and says he'll blow up the whole city unless someone willingly gives up their own dick. 

- Bond gives up his new dick because he can just go back to Utah and get a new one. 

JAMES BOND 007 in White Eclipse

HECTIC RECTUMS

FILM REVIEW

Christopher Nolan's INCEPTION

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio

Spoilers Ahead

INCEPTION. Where to start? Here we have a film helmed by the same man who had the audacity to tell Batman what to do on TWO separate occasions. In this one he orders around the world's most famous Italian-American, Leonardo DiCaprio, who once again shows us that a River Phoenix haircut and a plot about a dead wife is what he's all about.

INCEPTION follows some snazzy dressers who fall asleep on a plane and then play serious games in each other's dreams. Leo, the most stylish of the bunch, is all topsy turvy because his wife keeps showing up in his dream games and doesn't once show him her "T-Balls". Him and his model friends, plus Ellen "Stephen" Page, are on a mission to make Cillian Murphy forget that his dead dad hates him so that Ken Watanabe's business doesn't go under. I don't remember/wasn't told what his business is, so let's go ahead and assume he manufactures hose.

Meanwhile, Leo faces murder charges back in his hometown of America, and Ken promises he'll have the charges pooed away if Leo can successfully brainwash Murphy without his clothed wife scaring him too bad. Watanabe must be one hell of a hose man to wield that kind of power. "Welcome to Ken's Hose - We hose the world (you know, that green kind of hose that everyone has)."

The Hollywood Machine

This movie is better than "A Nightmare on Elm Street", worse than the "Matrix", and better than "Willow", which my friends Andy and Greg claim is the best movie to judge other movies against.

PROS

- Even though the dream sequences in the movie don't look like my dreams (not enough surf boards and candy buffets), they were still done very well. Christopher Nolan wrote this guy himself, so one can only assume that the dreamscapes in the film are based on his own, meaning he dreams about upside down cities, James Bond snow fortresses and handsome men in suits with cool jobs.

JOES

- Learning the rules of dream-playing was like learning how to piss -- you have to learn it to better understand the world around you, but you'd rather just piss your pants. No, wait.... well it's kind of the same thing. Better than Willow.

I give this movie an "a-okay" and a "neat camerawork, Chris". I want Leo to do a comedy next because I think the public views him as a well-respected Principal type who always shows up to football games but never to the annual silly fashion show where there's always a nude or two. Did your school have those? Yeah, mine neither.

FIREFIGHTERS ARE KIND OF ARSONISTS

MOVIE REVIEW

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE (2010)

Hot Tub Time Machine spins the tale of four men going on a vacation to the slopes after their friend Rob Corddry almost dies in a suicide attempt. He’s one of the four men by the way - this adventure is about four men, not four men and Rob Corddry. Unfortunately, the ski resort that they loved in 1986 is total shit in 2010 and they complain for a bit before realizing that the hot tub in the backyard looks decent enough to party in. They drink a lot and then wake up in 1986 because the hot tub is a time machine when you pour an energy drink in its circuits – sounds a lot like my ex-wife!

After some solid brainstorming and a lot of utterances of the word “fuck”, the guys decide they’d better do exactly what they did in 1986 so as not to disrupt history. The audience sees them as their old guy selves, but everyone in the movie sees them as the wily teens they were in ’86, probably because sex scenes would be impossible otherwise. Speaking of which, Jessica Pare’s milkers make a fabulous cinematic comeback, when she gets nude with Craig Robinson in a bathtub. So far this is more of a synopsis. It's probably because I'm not very opinionated. Let's move on to the final act:

The guys have trouble sticking to the plan and everything gets shitty for awhile until the end when John Cusack’s nephew (Clark Duke) finds the lost energy drink that a ghost played by Chevy Chase tells him is the key to time travel in a the hot tub time machine. Rob Corddry decides to stay in the past and become a millionaire and when the gang gets back to present day they’re all millionaires because Rob Corddry is a great friend. This movie is about great friends and it stars, and was produced by, John Cusack. This movie was pretty good laughs, but I don't think you're going to go home wishing you were the main characters, like after you saw Field of Dreams.

After proofreading this movie review, I’ve decided a better film would’ve been “Ex-Wife Time Machine”. In my version, Rob Corddry has sex with John Cusack’s ex-wife after he feeds her the energy drink, and he travels to the future. She tells Cusack and his friend Craig Robinson about it and they decide they have to have sex with her, travel to the future and save Rob Corddry. When they get to the future they meet Clark Duke who is the son of the ex-wife and they all have to figure out whose son it really is. Craig Robinson says it isn’t his because he’s black, so he spends most of the movie trying to figure out who to have sex with to get back to 2010, because in the future the ex-wife died in a forest fire. There will be a lot of comic relief because he ends up having sex with a crazy cast of characters like a pot smoking grandma, a butchy woman cop, a woman with 4 boobs and 2 nipples and someone like Martha Stewart who isn’t actually Martha Stewart. Before every sex scene he says “day-amn, who knew time travel would be this hard” and then after he always says “day-amn”. In the end it turns out that they weren’t even in the future to begin with, they were just in a cool part of town and it was all a trick so the ex-wife could see if John Cusack has matured since they divorced because she ran out of money and was thinking of getting back together with him.

SUPER POWER OF THE DAY

One of the most underrated super powers would be one where you could convince yourself anything is fun. So during the week when you’re at the job you hate, you just use your powers and the most mundane tasks become surf safaris and your nad of a boss becomes a regular James J. Bullock. Then when the weekend comes around you either turn off your powers for regular fun or keep them on for power fun. In the movie version of this super power, the conflict arises when the guy’s parents die and he has to decide whether or not to turn on the fun.

PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I LOOK LIKE ROAST BEEF

A night at the pictures

S H U T T E R I S L A N D

The week before I saw new movie Shutter Island while vacationing in Sarnia, Ontario, I revisited grade 6 favourite, the Stewart Copeland scored Airborne. The latter is a movie about a surfer dude who moves to Cincinnati because his rich parents abandon him for some reason, and since he can't surf he rollerblades like crazy, is forced to play hockey, and tries to bed the town bully's sister. This movie sucks so bad. Its 91 minute running time is 85% occupied by montages and the main character is the most unlikable protagonist since Ferris Bueller. So yeah, Shutter Island is better than Airborne.



That doesn't mean Shutter Island is this year's Meatballs. It was kind of scary, kind of cool, kind of good and very rainy. The twists and turns were pretty good I guess, but since they were highly expected they didn't make me shit my slacks. It's like if you go to a haunted house at an amusement park -- you know there's a rube in a costume hiding somewhere, it's just a matter of when they're going to jump out and yell "fuck you!". But if you go to a real haunted house, you never know -- maybe the ghosts decide not to scare you or maybe there's a werewolf's nest in the pantry, and it's that unexpectedness that makes things chilly.

The movie starts Mark Buffalo and Leonard DeCapp and was directed by Bart Scores.

THE NEW POLL SAYS THAT MONEY IS STILL VERY MUCH IN STYLE

Holy cud, it was a lot easier writing posts without the icy, veiny fingers of the work week stuck up my nose. Add to that a minor cold and sub zero temperatures and I'm a grumpy gord for sure.

But hey, no warts this year!

FILM UPDATE
Where the author reminds you he likes films and tells you about them

Avatar wasn't very good, save for the amazing 3D world that millions of dollars created, but I did see the Fantastic Mr. Fox and it was quite a nice little time at the theatre, except that I brought some cashews with me and they weren't salty enough.

When you're at a movie all you want is salt and chocolate in your mouth with some sugar fizz to wash it all down. I think if theatres and sports fields starting selling things like peanut butter and jam sandwiches, cut up vegetables with a solid dip and maybe some sort of lasagna, us fans would be just as satisfied, but they're not ballsy enough man. Plus, their margins on popcorn sales are criminally high, and they fully take advantage of the fact that we can't get our home corn to taste as good as theirs, which I'm sure they do on purpose. Redenbacher has a home theatre recipe just waiting in the wings in case Hollywood and its megaplexes goes tits-up -- it's kept secret in the third basement of secret compound somewhere on the eastern seaboard that's guarded by bees, rhinos and boring posters meant to snooze you out.

On the home video front, Liv and I rented 1985's Real Genius, which I thought I'd seen before. I must have been thinking about Young Einstein because I didn't remember anything about the damn thing. Despite this, I really enjoyed it, and it fits well into the bucket of 1980s movies that make smart people look cool along with perennial favourites Revenge of the Nerds and Back to School and Indiana Jones.

This scene came from a man's imagination

Thanks to this cold I've contracted I get to enjoy the comforting, hot lemon flavour of NeoCitran, which in English means "New Lemon". This is because NeoCitran remains the most futuristic way to enjoy the yellow zippy tang that only lemons can give you. Each packet of the popular medicine contains the essence of 36 fake lemons that have been synthesized by pharmaceutical giant, Novartis. Talk to your pharmacist today and don't forget to brush your teeth as well, and if you don't you should talk to your dentist too, and if you don't have a dentist talk to your doctor who can recommend one, but don't ask a walk-in doctor because they're just actors who have access to Wikipedia.

THERE'S SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WHO EATS WORTS AND NONE OF HIS FRIENDS EVEN KNOW

HOLIDAY MOVIE PREVIEW

If you're bored and have a few extra nickels in your change sock, you'll inevitably end up at the film barns this holiday season. To save you time I'm about to preview a few movies that the "Hollywood Machine" is currently trying to trick you into seeing. If you don't like any of them, just remember that the best Christmas movie of all time is "Ernest Saves Christmas", which can be viewed on YouTube free of charge provided you have Internet access, a computer, and the willingness to view the most accurate portrayal of the legend of Santa Claus that's ever been put on film, all anchored by the funniest character in the business from 1987 - 1991.

AVATAR

"The pizza room is over there next to my John Lennon impersonator. He'll ask you for the password before you can go in. The password is 'Pregnant Bitch'."

Avatar is a highly anticipated blockbuster from Titanic survivor, James Cameron. The big buzz surrounding this film about blue elves fighting against big bots and cigar chomping Americans, is that is uses technology never before utilized by anyone ever. This sounds good, but if history has taught us anything it's that big technological leaps can lead to some pretty bad stuff like nuclear weapons, terminators, the SkyDome, Tron and the death of the quill.

Even though I'm looking forward to this film like a mechanic looks forward to a meatball sub, I'm cautiously optimistic because the battle sequences looking frighteningly similar to those in Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace. But I did see "Beowulf" twice in theatres in 3D and if Avatar is at least that good then I'll be happy.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

I hate cowboy hats more than I hate dogs

Studios like to make movies that appeal to the most people possible -- unfortunately, most people are stupid, which leads to films like this one. So far as I can tell it's about a couple from the big city who somehow end up in the country and have trouble fitting in, which sounds shockingly similar to the plots of 67% of major motion pictures. I don't really have a problem with Hugh Grant or Sarah Jessica Parker Broderick Bradshaw (who gave me one of my earliest boners thanks to her free swingin' character in 'L.A. Story'), but I do have a problem with dog shit.

Also, Liv noticed that the trailer features not one but TWO hilarious run ins with wildlife, the current must have gag in any romantic comedy. Between that, the plot and Hugh Grant, this is just about as typical as you can get for rom coms, which by default are terrible to guys like me who like Ernest movies.

The Young Victoria
I'm more interested in the story of that crown and those scepters

The main reason I hate period pieces is because in 1994 when I was a boy of twelve, this guy I knew somehow convinced me to see "The Madness of King George" in theatres. It was Oscar season and he was a big time film buff and wanted to check it out because it was getting award buzz. I've been bored more times than I can remember, but sitting through that movie easily makes my top 3 most bored of all time moments. We were the youngest people in the theatre by about 60 years, and all I remember is trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't because I can only sleep at night.

So I wouldn't recommend this movie unless you're well over the age of 12, enjoy boring things, and love the "Best Costume" category at the Oscars.

In conclusion, go see movies, but don't eat a Taco Bell Black Jack taco before, because you don't want to have weird diarrhea in the middle of it.