WE HAVE A DECENT UNIVERSE

Here we go guys, another day of ruling the world as humans. What will you do today to assert your dominance? I've already chased three pigeons and ate Captain Crunch cereal. The only food a rooster ever invents is its own shit. When we make up new cereals we're basically playing God, so we really shouldn't get too upset about stem cell research and abortion. If you're going to protest all that you might as well protest gummi bears as well.

"If you have to do research it means you don't know anything"
- Glenn

Last night I "worked" with LIFE OF A CRAPHEAD again. I put "work" in quotations because it makes it look like the word has wings. Fly like an eagle, to the sea. Fly like an eagle, let my mommy carry me. We did a show with these's and I got to meet Dan Deacon, who was very funny along with the cast, many of whom looked like people I know from Canada, our home, a big land. What a crazy world! In the show I played a half Medusa, half man in bathrobe whose house was on fire, and if the pictures ever reach the public domain I'll put them up so you can complete your sticker books.

Half my face looked like her 100% face

"Treat your feet like you treat your own mother"
- Glenn

I haven't talked about my stomach in awhile. Rest easy party dudes, lately I've been drinking beer no problem. At this time last year I couldn't drink that sweet shit unless I was armed with a bottle of Pepto, a stomach full of potatoes, and no worries, because unfortunately, worries make us poo our pants and throw up sometimes. WEIRD. Anyway, I'm not totally cured, I still wake up every morning and burp like crazy. Some doctors would diagnose this as a case of being hilarious if you enjoy the sound of burps as much as I do. Others may call it Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Your choice!

"It's a damn shame Choclair never got big in the States"
- Glenn

And lets up heap praise toward Pat Thornton who raised over eleven thousand buckerdoos to comabt AIDS in Africa by doing stand-up for 24 hours straight. I was there for the first few hours and helped write jokes about popular topics like Luba Goy, marmalade, a six year old named Tristan, Rap Grimace and Kevin Sorbo. Here's Pat:



I've never even come close to raising that much money for anything. Once I won a prize when I was in Cubs for having the best basket at Apple Day, where you go door to door selling apples. I won because my basket said 'Thank You". Since then, I've wrote "Thank You" on everything I own, and even though I haven't won a prize for it since, I probably get more high fives per annum than most.

EVERY GIRL WEARS TANK TOPS BUT THEY HAVE YET TO WIN A MAJOR AWARD

EXCERPTS FROM A STOMACH JOURNAL

November 13, 2009

Last week my stomach was having a bad hair day and when this happens I usually backtrack to see if there's a food or liquid that might be the cause. This time around I was displeased to find that perhaps I have trouble with carrots, probably my all-time favourite vegetable and reliable lunch time side. The next step is to lay off the carrots for a bit and see if it makes a difference. I've already stopped eating tomatoes and tomato-based compounds, which is both sad and devastating, so to add my beloved orange roots to the list would be simply heartbreaking.

November 14, 2009

You know when you're nervous about an exam or a date with a sex machine, and your stomach reacts and you feel like throwing up or taking a big one? I know that feeling all too well because I get nervous about everything. If I was out and about in public as a child, I would get nervous that there wouldn't be a bathroom nearby if I had to go, and because I'd get nervous I'd end up having to go and so the stress built in my mind and my hind. It was like a catch twenty poo, know what I mean? Anyway, the point is that I've been really stressed over the last while because of several factors and since my autumn schedule is jam packed with due dates I think maybe my belly is reacting accordingly.

February 41st, 2032

Looking back I can chortle at the thought of digestive issues, what with the nanoids that inhabit our bodies in this plustaculop eden that we call New Earth. It turns out I was just stressed out, and after I won my first million playing Wendy's Kick for a Million at Ivor Wynne Stadium in Hamilton Ontario, my cares melted away. I think getting into power lifting also helped, as my mind got off stomachs and onto gigantic pectorals.

Santa Claus Parade (new topic)

We tried to go see A Serious Man at AMC on Sunday, but the Santa Claus Parade prevented us from getting there. This isn't the first time that fat guy's march has thwarted me:

1994 - Me and Jimmy Gringo were having a downhill skate jam to decide who would win the hand of Kelly Malibu, and I was winning hands down after knocking Jimmy over with mace I grabbed out of a garbage can. But then I ran into Bloor St, and had to stop while Jimmy ollied a rooftop gap.

1999 - I finally tracked down the legendary Rat Dude, a half human, quarter rat, quarter musician, in a sewer underneath the Eaton Centre. Having uncovered his lair and his army of dirty babes, I was able to pursue him until he surfaced and blended right in with Streetsville Pipes and Drums (that dig is for my mom), losing him and his moon chalice forever.

2004 - I decided to get out of town to avoid the Santa Claus Parade, so I headed to Miami for some much needed peace and quiet. Little did I know that there's a Santa Claus Parade that goes down every day in Miami, but instead of floats they have ludicrous cars, and instead of marching bands they have girls with low self-esteem.

"If I pull on this hood ornament, the Rolls turns into a hot tub and I turn into a star-spangled Fender Stratocaster"

I REALLY THINK THAT IF VIKINGS EVER MET NATIVES THEY'D GET ALONG AND CREATE SOME WONDERFUL FUSION CUISINE

I'll like to begin today by reminding you that every once in a while I'm prone to repeat an anecdote, fart joke, butt mystery or creative slam dunk description because unlike sausages, I'm not perfect.

To that end, I feel like I've told you about the following, but maybe not, or maybe there's a glitch in the Matrix and everything's messed. In any case, file this one in the "things that are wrong with me" file and if I ever talk about it again it probably means that it's really bothering me, so you should come by with some chicken soup and Ribena, which MIGHT just cheer me up.

I think I've forgotten how to eat. Either that or I have throat cancer. Both are bad, but only one is fixable, and since this isn't the year 3045, and we haven't yet unlocked the secrets of pears, I can probably manage to re-learn eating.

Here's the scoop:

Sometimes I get really hungry at home and just have to pig out, right? I grab a basket of food, sit down and feed, but the thing is I eat too fast, because:

1) Food tastes good, so logic would dictate that I'd want to get as much good into me as quickly and as efficiently as possible, thus the blinding speed.

2) I'm very impatient -- I'm leg shaker, a finger tapper and I don't like going to the bathroom because I don't know how long I'll be in there for, so when I got HOT FOOD in front of me, I make quick work of it because if I don't I get bored.

I don't know what this picture is all about, but I do know it's important

The problem is that I don't chew enough because as soon as bite 1 hits my licker, I'm already ready to take bite 2 and so on and so on. It's like that part on The Simpsons when Lenny says Homer eats like a duck.

The day after I chow down I feel full the whole day and my throat gets swollen. I guess it's because there's a mound of un-chewed, pre-poo food sitting down there and my throat is tired because I stretched it good.

So basically I have to stop doing it. Yesterday the culprit was left-over tacos that I smothered in sour cream and hot sauce. If you see me at a food hut or chow bar, make sure that I take my time and buy me a Coke to wash it all down.
Luckily for me, I can lard pies all day and not gain weight, so my hogging only effects me in the short-term. For more information go to the Mandarin and see how much Black Forest Cake you can eat in 5 minutes and wash it down with something fried.

COOK ME A CRAB DISH OR I'LL FOR SURE DROP THIS HAMSTER INTO THAT GORGE

On Sunday night/Monday morning I was feeling kind of scuzzy and had some trouble sleeping so I tossed and kicked for awhile and had a crazy dream where clones of my friends were at my house and I had to kill them. This must have been my body's way of telling me to expect diarrhea because I awoke Monday morning with diarrhea. Sucks so bad. All day I've had these stabbing abdominal pains and several trips to the toilet room. Is this what it's like to have a menstrual cycle? If so, then that sucks. If my reproductive organs did this to me once a month I'd whine all the time and punch walls.

Woody Allen always dates total babes in his movies. No way Meryl Streep at the peak of her hotness would do that little guy. I guess she turns into a lesbian so maybe that's the point. Manhattan is on right now.


In lieu of me doing nothing worth writing about today but watching the second Lord of the Rings, drinking Gatorade and reading fantasy movies, here is another installment of "This Day in LiveJournal History" featuring a short silly about my sister:

July 7 2001

my sister explained to me today why she might become a vegetarian. You see she used to hate chickens "because they're so stupid and I got pecked really bad by them once at Bronte farm and it was my life long mission to eat them. Then I saw this show on chickens and how they just throw away male chicks because they don't lay eggs and then they feed them to minks and i felt bad. then they showed chickens fighting or something and then i realized they are really stupid after all" then why don;t you want to eat them anymore Laura? Why?

Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, but if not maybe I'll live blog my day which will probably involve more Gatorade.

EYE BALL SLAMMER (RUM, TEQUILA, KOOL AID, JUNIPER BERRIES SERVED OVER ICE)

For the last month or so, my stomach issues subsided, leaving me smiling and waving at grandmas, doggies and children all day long. Yesterday the terrible feelings came back and I'm left wondering, "what went wrong?".

Based on my day, I've narrowed the culprits down to:

1. Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar Chips

While eating these yesterday I decided they just might be my favourite chip of all time. I think the only competition is "Dill Pickle Chips", any brand. I haven't had chips in a while, so I'm thinking they might be responsible, which I hope isn't true, because chips are the snack lifeblood of the modern dude. This particular brand and flavour take you on a journey to this place:

Not specifically "Harry's", but any fish and chip shop. You think that's Harry?

Suspect #2 is stress. I've been in a fairly decent and stress free mood as of late, but yesterday at work I got in a big time stink, which continued into the night. I'm trying to fight the mood but sometimes the bullshit piles so high that the sky turns brown.

Suspect #3 - This weird Portuguese turkey that Liv bought from a variety store. She told me that it was "slimey", which indeed it was. I only buy my deli meats fresh shaved, so maybe this slippery meat had something to do with my discomfort. In any case, I'm not taking the risk and will never eat that brand with the Portuguese flag again - unless it's shaved fresh- then they can stick on whatever flag they want.

I have a weekend full of activities planned, so hopefully these tum tum issues will resolve themselves by then. If not I'm going to kick the ass of the first weak looking teenager that crosses my path.