YAWNS UNLOCK SECRET ROOMS IN EGYPY

My assistant, Nanny Marie, is currently in Hollywood scoping out the latest trends in tacos and trying to find me a half decent belt. She was enjoying a glass of $300 water at the restaurant in the "H" of the Hollywood sign when she spotted A-Lister Ashton Kutcher having brunch with his talented wife Demi. She texted me the following:

"Ashley Butcher here wif Demo. U wan pic?"

(she knows I collect cell phone pictures of humanity's best)

I responded:

"See if u can steal his shit"

Then, 9 hours later, she sent back:

"Got hiz orginizer wif hiz summa sked. I send it 2 u"

She had it couriered via Porsche's high performance race team, The German Turbos, and I received it a few minutes later. What I'd like to do now is share some of his summer so you'll know what living large is really like.


JUNE

- wash new toes. doc says dirt can disintegrate skin.
- buy iron socks
- on the 15th - hosting all-you-can-buy diamonds at Cartier. Wear diamonds. Read up on diamonds
- on the 26th - shooting a new Nikon commercial $$$$ :) -- remember to have Donny re-insert soul so cameras pick up my image -- remove soul after and put in bacta-chamber along with Demi's old tits

JULY

- hosting July 4th beach party in Malibu - !!! Independence Day!!! (Not christmas, remember?)
- bring bathing suit that can get wet
- Brian said July is luckiest month in the world - bet Nikon cash on July's weather being hot, I think it usually is
- audition on the 11th - Big Ron Howard flick - make sure to have sex with his daughter pre-audition and for god's sake memorize something this time
- PAY MORTGAGE - I guess I still owe that guy money

AUGUST

- Renew SAG membership (poo in an envelope should suffice hahahaha)
- prepare for upcoming 2.5 Men gig - RESEARCH - rent that movie it was based on with Tom Selleck ('Three men and some babies'?)
- Rumer's b-day - maybe she's getting too old for kisses from her old man? buy her some bras I guess
- buy that bird!
- prepare for back to school - hopefully grade 16 will be easier than 15 (there was a crude drawing of a teacher licking an apple)
- renew bowling license

Wow! So interesting. My summer schedule is all "do this do that, eat this, kill that". We can't all be superstars can we? That would make a great epitaph along with a picture of a clown frowning. Do kids even know what clowns are anymore? Is the traditional circus all but extinct? Find out next week on The Big Bang Theory.

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY PANTS

I don't know what's up in your corner of the crust, but around here in Toronto it's been raining cats and dogs and water for a week straight. Even though most us of spend 98% of the day in a dry room filled with screens, our ancestors have passed onto us a feeling of gloom whenever the weather starts acting like I banged its wife. No, wait, that doesn't make sense -- our ancestors loved rain because it fed their crops, their babies and their belief that God can piss/cry. Maybe we can all just blame it on whoever wrote that song "Sunny Days". Was it Lighthouse? Blame it on Lighthouse.

I could've spent this last rainy week on a couch wrapped in blankets and freshly washed Nautica brand sleepwear (I did). But instead I was working alongside the talented team at Marf Interactive on my new iPhone app (I didn't). The new app features beautiful graphics, a user-friendly interface and first and foremost -- a whole lotta fun. It costs $29.99. Here's some of the outrageous features we developed:

The 6th edition of the Trivial Pursuit: Glenn that includes some brand new 2010 questions. As loyal readers of this blog, here is a bonus answer to probably the hardest question in the game:

Q: What's Glenn's password for everything?
A: JRRTOLKIEN

There's also a fun photo game called "Pickle Man" where you match a picture of my face with the pickle of your choosing giving me a pickle mustache, just like in the movies. This guy sorta looks like me so it will give you a good idea of what the app can do. The only difference is that the picture below features a pickle spear, while my app, at $29.99, will offer no less than full pickles.


Speaking of sorta looking like me, the app has a fun "Celebrity Chemistry" game, where you can upload a picture of your face and it'll tell you the precise mixture of celebrities you look like. You have to pay extra to use your own picture. Since mine is included in the price of the app and because I love everyone in this world more than the world loves everyone, here is my celebrity chemistry:





You'll also have access to my full stats:

Most frequented bathroom in the world? Parent's house, upstairs
Number of times eaten at Arby's? 3

Since the above are fairly well known stats they won't be included in the actual app. When you purchase the full version you'll have access to "Number of Dreams about New Shoes" and "Thoughts about aliens per hour".

In conclusion, I dare you to ask for a birthday cake for Christmas.