YAWNS UNLOCK SECRET ROOMS IN EGYPY

My assistant, Nanny Marie, is currently in Hollywood scoping out the latest trends in tacos and trying to find me a half decent belt. She was enjoying a glass of $300 water at the restaurant in the "H" of the Hollywood sign when she spotted A-Lister Ashton Kutcher having brunch with his talented wife Demi. She texted me the following:

"Ashley Butcher here wif Demo. U wan pic?"

(she knows I collect cell phone pictures of humanity's best)

I responded:

"See if u can steal his shit"

Then, 9 hours later, she sent back:

"Got hiz orginizer wif hiz summa sked. I send it 2 u"

She had it couriered via Porsche's high performance race team, The German Turbos, and I received it a few minutes later. What I'd like to do now is share some of his summer so you'll know what living large is really like.


JUNE

- wash new toes. doc says dirt can disintegrate skin.
- buy iron socks
- on the 15th - hosting all-you-can-buy diamonds at Cartier. Wear diamonds. Read up on diamonds
- on the 26th - shooting a new Nikon commercial $$$$ :) -- remember to have Donny re-insert soul so cameras pick up my image -- remove soul after and put in bacta-chamber along with Demi's old tits

JULY

- hosting July 4th beach party in Malibu - !!! Independence Day!!! (Not christmas, remember?)
- bring bathing suit that can get wet
- Brian said July is luckiest month in the world - bet Nikon cash on July's weather being hot, I think it usually is
- audition on the 11th - Big Ron Howard flick - make sure to have sex with his daughter pre-audition and for god's sake memorize something this time
- PAY MORTGAGE - I guess I still owe that guy money

AUGUST

- Renew SAG membership (poo in an envelope should suffice hahahaha)
- prepare for upcoming 2.5 Men gig - RESEARCH - rent that movie it was based on with Tom Selleck ('Three men and some babies'?)
- Rumer's b-day - maybe she's getting too old for kisses from her old man? buy her some bras I guess
- buy that bird!
- prepare for back to school - hopefully grade 16 will be easier than 15 (there was a crude drawing of a teacher licking an apple)
- renew bowling license

Wow! So interesting. My summer schedule is all "do this do that, eat this, kill that". We can't all be superstars can we? That would make a great epitaph along with a picture of a clown frowning. Do kids even know what clowns are anymore? Is the traditional circus all but extinct? Find out next week on The Big Bang Theory.