GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BIZZZAY

The other day I decided to order food from Swiss Chalet, the legendary Canadian rotisserie chicken chain whose Chalet Sauce is so good that even a bulimic wouldn't dare barf it. I decided to order online because when I talk to a real life Chalet representative I get flustered and can't stop complimenting them due to their association with the restaurant the Ottawa Sun mistakenly called "finger lickin' good". Once I told a "Swiss Miss" that her voice sounded like what Chalet Sauce tastes like (tangy, spicy, snotty). While on swisschalet.com I was elated to discover that their "Dip 'n Win" promotion is on, meaning that not only do I get chicken and shit, but also a chance to win fabulous prizes, like a dirt bike that runs on mashed potatoes with a bun for a seat.

Liv was the first to peal her dip sticker and she won some sort of cheese loaf that's available dine-in only. Date night! We'll have two waters, a free loaf, and as many birthday candles as you can muster. Is it my birthday? Life is so beautiful that everyday should be celebrated.


Then it was my turn. I drank all my sauce before peeling as per Swiss law, and won.........!!!.......???....

A free watch battery replacement.

What?

A FREE WATCH BATTERY REPLACEMENT

I'm pretty sure that if I tried just a little bit I could get all my watch batteries for free. All I'd have to do is convince the local time master that I run the score clock at the local rec centre. He'd be so impressed with my dedication to time, that he'd feel obligated. The funny and true thing is that I do get all my watch batteries for free (sort of) -- a while ago I got a battery replaced, paid $20 and now get free watch battery replacements for life thanks to this little card. I think the guy who made up the promotion was about to get fired because when I brought my watch in later on when I needed another new battery, the guy working there looked at my free battery card in puzzlement.


Anyway, this is about as dumb a prize as you can get from a chicken contest. I can understand being excited if I lived in one of those countries where watch batteries cost more than a year's supply of gasoline, but as it happens I live in a country where watches are as common as Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Jr.

I wish I could make fun of the details of this prize, but I threw out the prize sticker in exactly 1.1 seconds, a time I recorded using my fully functioning, far from dying watch.

The moral of the story is to be yourself no matter what your gym teacher sticks in you shorts.