June 28, 2011


Dear Pretzels,

You covered yourself in chocolate? Avoid the tricks. We all wear masks to hide our true forms.

Love yourself.


Thanks to my Honk, my lead researcher for unearthing the above letter for today's edition Cory-spondence. The letter was addressed to a Mr. Uncle Cory, Pretzeldent of Rold Gold Corporation, Mordor, Alabama "Doughville USA". Sender: Unknown.

I like to pick my Cory letters personally, but this week I was too busy rating last week's Sunshine Girls.

I love the human female form so much that I'm not even gay, but I don't really look at Sunshine Girls to get zingy. I prefer to read their profiles, then cross reference their dreams and ambitions against their height, looks and style. I like to think of myself as a talent agency, the Sunshine Girls being my potential clients.

The most common girl is in her early 20's, just over five feet tall, loves the outdoors, dogs, and the Leafs and wants to be an actress/model. Most likely they'll continue to love dogs, the Leafs and the outdoors but most will probably end up being the hottest girl in East Sudbury.

Okay, hold on, I gotta get something off my chest and it's not this great shirt that's just see through enough to prove I have chest hair.

I bought these shoelaces and they keep coming undone. Shoelaces have been around since shoes and shoes have been around almost as long as feet, and in today's world, where flying to outerspace is old news, how in the name of Holy Shit are there still shoelaces that come undone?

If I have to double-knot a shoelace just so it won't come loose, then it seizes to be a shoelace, but rather a peice of reject material that is too ugly to be a Bolo tie and too slippery to be a shoelace. The double knot should only be used as a backup, and is by no means is it a primary knot. High performance athletes use the double knot, knot guys like me whose idea of exercise is wearing a metal watch.

Seriously, do people even test these things? Give me five minutes, a pair of shoes, your brand's laces and a peice of ground and I'll be able to tell you if your laces are fit for sale.

To all the fat cats living off lace money, lighting their their cigars with shoelaces that were lit with money that was lit with a Zippo with a picture of a shoe on it -- I wish nothing but zits for your babies. I wish nothing but interference on your satellite dishes, and nothing but Ringos at your birthday where you demanded your wife get a Beatle perform your favourite Beatles song, which knowing you is probably the widely panned and unreleased "Pinky's Tinky".


scott said...

Duke of Spook said...

why isn't this the most popular video in the world?

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