RINSE YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP BUT PUT FLIES IN SO THEY CAN HAVE A BATH

After a summer of hot, dry weather, threatening the existence of the Ontario Grape Club while simultaneously increasing the viability of the Raisin Boosters, we finally got some water over the past week. No one is as happy as the grass and all the critters who haven't had a shower and a good clean drink in a while. The party is unfortunately over for teenage critters who have been free to slurp garbage juice all summer without their mams and pams screaming at them to drink something pure. It simply wasn't available most of the summer unless they were able to crawl done one of those chimneys that leads directly into a toilet. That's the only way Richard Branson will shit.

If you gave an animal an addictive drug, there's no way it could Just Say 'No' because animals aren't privy to studies or After School Specials. I'm trying to think of a way that this could help human addicts, but all I can picture is a rehabilitation facility where you feed animals drugs and laugh all day. Maybe throw in some sort of video production element to get the furry tweakers onto YouTube then when the humans are safe and clean they're able to get a job in television.

It's been so hot and sunny this summer that the zucchini in my garden turned into cacti. No wait, someone just put needles in my zucchini. No wait, those are pickles and I still don't understand the needles.

It seems the post-apocalypse is here, meaning we didn't even notice the actual apocalypse, which according to this Farmer's Almanac that flew into my face while riding "The Bat", happened during this year's edition of Easter.

I'm going have a lot of trouble putting on a coat again. There's that feeling you get when you first put on a jacket when you haven't worn one for awhile and you're like "I'll never get used to this" then fifteen minutes later you feel naked in a t-shirt. Just once I'd like to feel the relief of a snake shedding its skin.

I often wonder if animals percieve that we wear clothes or that they just view our styles are different furs. Maybe they don't give a shit either way. I hope there's been an experiment where dogs are put front row at a fashion shows while researchers study their reactions. I'm not sure what we could learn from something like that, but maybe we'd end up with more efficient guards dogs, more obidient regular dogs, a new style of scarf and/or the abolishment of dog whisperers the world over. What I mean is that perhaps Cesar Millan is just a really good scientist who realized dogs respond very well to dudes wearing cotton basics and a winning smile. Maybe dogs bite mailmen beacuse of their uniforms and not because they can't stand correspondence. Maybe Cesar's just a highly evolved dog himself.

Dogs are at least smart enough to bark like crazy when we try to put a cute shirt on them. You wouldn't put a turtleneck over a winter jacket, would you?

When did humans lose their clothes? By that I mean hair, or as cavemen called it, "just another mystery". With all this talk lately of local, organic, homemade food and shit, you'd think there would arise a movement of people who are trying really hard to grow their fur back so they don't have to buy clothes and can live as the kitties do. The one thing that sci-fi authors have gotten right regarding aliens is that they're almost always nude. Clothes are the most prudish invention we've invented. Not only that, but without clothes we'd be a more enlightened, happier race. There would be way fewer of us and we'd all live in the tropics, which is where nature intended us to live, obviously. The cold parts of the world would be used as prisons or "experiences" where you ride up north in some sort of big van made of windows. Free hot chocolate.

"When did humans lose their clothes?" sounds like a children's book that could go either of two ways -- one is a Christian book about the dangers of nudes and how Jesus invented clothes just because he thought it might be a cool look, not because he wanted to start a revolution or anything. Or it could be a funny book for kids (and entertaining for adults!) about the joys of a natural lifestyle. There was something I wrote in my notebook along the same lines, but I can't really figure out what I meant. I think it might be the idea for that book. It just says:

Origin of Naked

- Dicks natural

- tight pants are weird but tits are fine

- dolphins wearing hats

I think that second bullet means that it's strange that women can wear tight shirts with cleavage but the minute a man wears tight trousers he's labeled anti-man. The last bullet is the final piece of the puzzle, which begs the question:

Will an animal ever evolve into clothes? We've tried it with cats and dogs and some of them seem to enjoy it but I don't think they'd actively seek a sweater. And it's not like we're going to get kittens and puppos who start licking socks not for the taste but as and indication that they want a hat. Cold blooded creatures would definitely dig clothes. Show a snake how a skirt works and it's hooked, guaranteed.

The last couple of posts here have been very nature-oriented, which maybe means I'm finally growing up. Until the next time I find a keyboard in the trash, have fun with all your activities and don't forget to write your website's URL on $20 bills.

AN INTERESTING ARTICLE ON THE MERITS OF SHOWER BATHS

COTTAGE SPECIAL 

I thought I'd get some journalism done while my ceramic cardinal bakes in the kiln, and since kilns are known for their heat, I got inspired to discuss cottaging, summer's answer to moteling (spring). Why a cardinal? Honestly, they make me so happy.

What is a Cottage?

A cottage is a small house on, or near a lake, surrounded by trees, containing questionable bathrooms, boats, old TVs and board games that even grandpa thinks are stupid. Cottages can be bought just the same as regular houses, or rented just the same as dogs. Renting is fairly widespread, but it's best to start looking early because all the best places get booked in the fall. One memorable summer I waited too long and ended up in a dump in Fort Lauderdale. My story was eventually turned into a film, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise.

Things to do in the rain

When you think of cottages you think of being outside in the sunshine, enjoying fresh coconuts while your honey bun tans naked out on the dock. Not every day can be sunny though, so you'll need a list of rainy day activities in your back pocket just in case. Canadian law stipulates that while at a cottage you must be outside at all times unless you're sleeping, making a meal that's not hamburgers, or using the bathroom for everything except vomiting. It may not be written in the history books, but most of cottage country was formed out from a glacier of puke that started at the best bar in Whitehorse known for its strong whiskey that gold miners would mix with moose piss. Anyway, because of this, the rainy day activities I'm about to make up aren't your everyday fuckin' arts and crafts, make a robot out of backpacks indoors type of shit.

- yell at some flowers. Say stuff like "enjoy it while it lasts" and "I could spit on you and you wouldn't know the difference"
- count raindrops with your best friend until one of you gets tired. The loser has to go be offensive to elderly locals
- put a pot over an open fire and enjoy a steady stream of fresh boiling water then add some birch bark to make a tea that will make your mind think the colour blue is the number 12
- record some thunder and then play it when the sun comes out again. Did you know that was how IMAX started?

The Fishing Report

Fish remain waterproof and fairly slippery. The best method to catch one is to use a traditional rod and reel baited with this summer's hottest new bait trend, a HUMAN EAR.

I'd advise against the method of tying a rope around your cat and tossing it in because cats can't swim very well at all, and you can't even talk to them about the experience afterward. In fact, don't bring your cat to the cottage at all. A cat loves being home alone because it hates how you smell. The best way to feed your cat while you're away is to just leave a pile of groceries in the middle of the living room. Throw a few lizards on the pile and that should regulate things enough so that it doesn't eat everything at once.

Cottage Recipe 

Basic Fish Dinner

1 Fresh Fish
Sugar
1 flag

Cook the fish any way you want. My favourite cottage method is to stick a cigarette in the fish's mouth while it's gasping for water. The chemicals from the smoke will cure the animal from the inside out and it makes for a cute photo you can turn into a desktop wallpaper at work.

Take your favourite flag and wrap the fish in it. Salute the package then submerge in a bucket for of sugar. Take it out after a few hours and serve with fresh berries.

Funny Pages

Use these cottage jokes all over cottage country. You might even impress the canoe salesman enough that he decides to invite you over to throw tomatoes at his wife.

(At the General Store in town) You guys don't sell Admirals here, do you?

What does a motor boat, some corn and a Jeep have in common? They're all American classics! 


 A rabbi, a priest and and a librarian walk into a lake. The rabbi says, "this is God's creation", the priest says "this is God's creation" and the librarian says "you guys ever read Roald Dahl?".


We were at the cottage and my son asked if we could go for a hike. I said yes, then gave him a wedgie and threw him in the woods. 


What do you call a cottage sunset? I don't know I'm too busy drying my bathing suit.

THE CRAP GAP (YOUR BUTT)

Summer Swim Guide

 

*Disclaimer*

Swimming should only be done under the supervision of a certified dive technician with at least 25 years of experience. Always keep a copy of Divid Flu's Swinning tucked safely into your wet pants in case there's an emergency during maneuvers. Don't let your cat drink pool water, it's turns their eyes black.

First off, thanks to everyone who signed up for last year's Snorkel Club. By the end of the summer we donated over forty five snorkels to the No Squat Squad who teaches wealthy, young female campers how to pee outdoors while standing up using nothing but a simple snorkel. After an intensive disinfection process, the snorkels were then re-purposed as fun straws for the poor camp across the way. To participate this year leave two mangoes on your dashboard by July 1st.

New Moves

No point delaying the most popular feature of the annual swim guide, the newest diving board tricks, pulled from some of the world's top all-season pools.

Half Raisin

It's a pretty simple aesthetic non-aerial nude dangle, marathon style. Simply hang yourself off the board exposing just your lower half to the water. Remain dangling for one hour while being careful not to get any upsplash on your torso or above. After one hour, pull yourself back up and let your prisoners gaze jealously at your nude body that should now display a perfect half-prune.

Chum

Simple is in the season. To start off a killer Chum, induce a nose or ear bleed somewhere out of sight, like in the rose bushes behind the board or in the storage shed. Once you've established a rapid gush, fill your mouth with canned tuna or simply your favourite sea or lake food. Freestyle a dope aerial then while underwater, spit out the food and apply pressure to the origin of the bleeding to ensure maximum leakage. Emerge to the awe of the funeral guests.

Wette Riddler

The is adapted from a famous David Blane illusion that got popular February of this year in the pool behind Larry's Card Games in Las Vegas, where pool parties are all too common. This is a complicated trick that takes all day to pull-off. During the daytime, you'll need to give yourself a vicious sunburn on one side of your body. I prefer to burn my back just because it brings back fond memories of my days as one of the human bacons. Once night falls, drink half a bottle of fresh gin and head to the highest diving board in your county. Gather together as many sluts and captains as you can and have them bet on either "Stomach" or "Back". When the time is right, perform a flop on the opposite side your burns are on, so in this example since my back is burned I'd perform a classic belly flop. Once emerged from the dark depths watch in delight as your guests try to figure out how you managed to pull off the thought to be impossible full body flop when in reality you fooled them like a dog who pretends he's a turkey on Easter.

How to Teach your Child to Swim

The Canadian Water Association has recently revamped their youth swimming teaching protocol, and instead of posting the entire 600 page pdf document, which I read during an 8 hour bath, I'll just give you the main points.

• Strip 'em then dip 'em
• If they don't scream, go inside and make lunch
• Put some snakes in the deep end so they don't swim over there
• If you don't have snakes threaten to disclose pertinent information regarding the validity of the Santa Claus
• to keep child from drowning, attach pizza to fishing rod and hold above water
• If your child is a real sinker show them some drowning victims then make them take a shot of bourbon. They'll learn
• Let them eat whatever they want before getting in the pool because diarrhea has been found to distract from drowning

Gadget Corner

I went to the Swimming Pool Consumer Expo last week and the big MUST GET pool gadget for 2012 is the Balston Water Mate.

Are you tired of filling your pool with hose water every summer only to have to turn it into pool water then into pickle brine come September? Yes, of course you are because you don't get enough sleep because the hum of your pool heater makes the dog go crazy and start barking then the baby wakes up then you have to bake it some milk and by the time the baby has been fed, washed and bound it's time to go to work again.

Simply attach the system to the tank of any standard toilet and then run a line back into your pool's filtration system with an extra line leading to your pickling table in the basement. Setup should only take a few seconds depending on the make and model of your household droid.

Encourage your family to use the bathroom as much as possible leading up to pool season and by the time Mr. Sun rears his hot fucking ass you should have a pool full of crystal clear, recycled water. Once it gets too cold to swim, hit the reverse button and enjoy a unique tasting pickle brine that's sure to impress local royalty. I was given a test unit to try out last summer and my pickles ended up crisper than ever with a distinct odor of sewage and chlorine, ideal for the serious connoisseur.

BACK IS BLACK

I want to discuss how hot it is outside, but looking back, I've already written extensively on the topic. That's not to say that every hot day is the same, I mean some melt popsicles faster than others, but I don't want you to feel like I have 100 hot day anecdotes filed away in a shoe box mistakenly labelled "Polaroids of boys with silly eyes". The silly eye box actually has my collection of magazine ads with lingerie models who look like Christopher Lloyd, which I keep in case the Internet breaks so I can quench people's thirst for memes and become king of the new world. Are you confused? I hope so. Everything I own is mislabeled in case my worst fear comes true where moving companies take over the world by stealing and moving everyone's stuff to a dog-guarded, cat-encrusted mega warehouse where they'll stage a garage sale that will make them the richest labour force in the modern world, richer than the guys who clean volcanoes . If the unthinkable happens, I'm covered. Good luck categorizing my shit, AMJ Campbell.

Don't worry, I'm not actually going to stop myself from spewing out sentences about myself living in summer. I'm a mature man now. I own two bathing suits. One's for oceans, lakes and chlorine pools and the other is for ponds, rivers and streams. Just joking, they're both for water no matter where it gurgles, except that one is aimed at making blondes melt while the other gets the brunettes weak at the knees. I keep laminated copies of my phone number stashed in each suit's underpant lining just in case I meet a hot slice of Eve down in the depths.

Surprisingly, I haven't heard too many people complain about this latest stretch of heat. You know what would stop people complaining altogether? Palm trees. Palm trees looks like a reggae man's head, produce delicious palm treats (genus - nut, species - coconut) and can be found in Earth's mist acceptable hot ass places. When it's hot outside and I stop to scope out an extra-white birch tree I'm all like "you make me want to hang myself". You see, deciduous trees are just like us - they hate squirrels and they change with the seasons, so when we look at the them it's like we're looking at our frowning selves staring back at us. When you look at a palm tree you see Summer Dude who cringes at sweaters and has never even tasted snow.

Not THE summer dude, but A summer dude

Here's a summer poem written last summer. That means it's "vintage" now and THAT means it's smellier and cheaper but more fashionable than last time.

The Weather this summer

Holy shit it’s been hot
Imagine you were a bear?

Those guys have body beards
And sweat their fair share

Hairy men suffer too
But enough with the gents

Are tits like insulators?
Are vaginas like vents?

Maybe women are like camels
Their humps keep them icy

But hot milk goes sour
Does heat make tits smell not nicey?

Picture a bear with big tits
she’d be in summer hell

Full circle poem huh?
Hot, bear, tits, milk, camels

This one is all wrapped up
So feel the damn heat

And men just remember boys
Chill out your wife’s teats

WHEN I GO TO A RESTAURANT I LOVE A GOOD LIST OF TONICS

Despite the current economy and my penchant for pinching pennies and hating IKEA, I turned over two new leaves and obtained a new phone and bought a new bed frame from IKEA. My old phone (let's call him Nunzio for no particular reason), was sturdy as a half decent oak tree, but it didn't reflect the "Thug Life", which I strive for every day. Admittedly I didn't have to pay for this new phone (Cory, his actual name), but for me to put aside my loyalty to Nunzio is rare because I tend to create emotional attachments to my life accessories that I can fully rely on.

The picture is here merely for spruce

I was never a big fan of our old bed frame, which kind of reminded me of an old crib you'd find at a garage sale and think to yourself "they don't make them like this anymore". Its fate was sealed last week when I did a huge air mount and broke the shit out of it. We slept on a broken, slanty bed for a couple of days before I gathered enough courage and ignorance to actually go to IKEA, where every visit is its own worst day of the year. This time, everything was going fine until we reach the cash registers, where yet again the person in front of me couldn't grasp the concept of the pricing of goods. In this case, this scab of a human being, refused to accept that a pillow cost $12.99 and failed to notice the people (us) behind her scowling like a teen at dinner time. 20 minutes later, we payed for our pieces of bed and then spent another 20 in the hottest parking lot in the Milky Way Galaxy trying to fit these pieces into the car. It didn't work so we had to get it all delivered, meaning the trip was a total waste when you take the Internet and its e-commerce into consideration.

Then I of course had to put the thing together, which was going alright until one step that baffled logic. Luckily, I had to leave to perform summer poems at the Loner Show presented by Laugh Sabbath by a character named "Summer Dude", which I'll now give you for free:

The Weather this summer

Holy shit it’s been hot
Imagine you were a bear?

Those guys have body beards
And sweat their fair share

Hairy men suffer too
But enough with the gents

Are tits like insulators?
Are vaginas like vents?

Maybe women are like camels
Their humps keep them icy

But hot milk goes sour
Does heat make tits smell not nicey?

Picture a bear with big tits
she’d be in summer hell

Full circle poem huh?
Hot, bear, tits, milk, camels

This one is all wrapped up
So feel the damn heat

And men just remember boys
Chill out your wife’s teats

THE RACE TO BE MAYOR

Mayor Miller’s stepping down
Who the hell’s going to run this town?

Two Italians vie for the crown
So grab a calzone and I’ll run them down

First there’s Giorgio and of course little Joe
Which one’s the best? Who the hell knows?

Then there’s chick, her name is Sar-ah
I don’t care about her, only the colour of her bra

George Smitherman is openly homo
Does that mean he won’t support the Sky Domo?

The last one’s name is Robert Ford
In that movie he was a coward

It starred Brad Pitt, the hottest dude
Rob Ford is so fat he’s Medusa when nude

Vote this year for your favourite one
Or Rob Ford will eat you without a bun

Summer Woman

(the first line of this poem is an actual quote from a middle-aged woman I saw in a meat store)

I’ve been to my girlfriend’s trailer three times in Wasaga and it’s been bomb
I had sex with Dom, he has a Ford Mustang, have you ever played cuss tag?

It’s a drinking game where you name swears and chug rum Bitch, shit, asshole, then I said bum, and I had to drink up We ran out of rum so I drank ketchup

So many stars up there unlike the city where I live with my pets I named my dog after my daughter…wait.. maybe I got that backward

Anyway, about the name, it’s not English It’s a Jap word They’re both named Sushi kind of like Susie, but more exotic The is name I chose is versatile it’s classy and erotic, my husband fought it, It doesn’t matter He’s out the picture because he has a taste for young women I can’t blame him my hair is thinnin’ and my tits aren’t what they used to be But I still look good in a tie died shirt and a pair of Oakley shades

Next year we’re going to the Everglades my mom has a condo by the beach Her neighbor is tom, and last year I saw his dong, goddamn next year is going to be bomb.

INCEPTION

Warner Bros presents Inception
Have you even seen it?

It stars Leo DiCaprio
with hair like River Phoenix

In this one he can go through dreams
And there he meets batman

They team up to fight the Joker
And a villain named catman

Then there’s a part in outer space
And things get real funny

who cares if I haven’t seen it
movies cost tons of money

Instead I went to this cool stream
Close to the DVP

I pissed wherever I wanted
And wrote some Graffiti

Eat shit, cool tits and LSD
Were amongst the things I wrote

I brought some plums along for lunch
And tried to build a boat

A man named Flappy helped me out
We shared a beer or two

Then he got really mad at me
And hit me with his shoe

I went down fast and had a dream
About contraception

So in the end it was pretty good
That day I lived inception

Originally I was going to go up and just read them as me, but I added Summer Dude in at the 11th hour and as it turns out, he was probably the funniest part. Here's to Summer Dude, sturdy bed frames, and new phones and how about the sport of fishing for old time's sake?

MOTHER LOAD OF HINTS

DON'T FORGET, IT'S SUMMER

Eat the freshest fruit and throw away the core because the animals need a gourmet vacation too

Don't bug your mom about the money she owes you, she needs a new swimsuit and the ones she likes aren't exactly cheap

Sailing is expensive; just ride your bike to the pool, same thing man

Books? Sure, as long as they're read through the lenses of your favourite sunglasses, or read to you by your summer crush, Kelly

Winter corn? You might as well be eating old phone books. Summer corn? You might as well be eating the annual United Nations Outdoor Picnic and Flea Market with optional swimming and live entertainment from a band that sounds like your favourite.

Don't bother going to Toys R Us, summer garbage is highly playable

Grass - free carpets that grow in a very nice shade of green, one of the most popular colours I can think of.

HEY RED BARON, EAT CLOUDS!

I've been very busy lately tending to my pastures and watching the new Global Reality Channel, featuring some of your all-time faves - Survivor, Fear Factor, and even Snot Swap.

MID SUMMER REPORT CARD
The mind of a man created this

Is this even the middle of summer? What day is it? Who are you? I'm Glenn, a real guy from the well-planned roads of Toronto. This summer has been one hot mother fucker. My now deep black skin glistens like the Internet in January and I've eaten so many Creamsicles that Popsicle Pete is shaking in his frosty panties because he's scared he's going to run out I guess. The hot sun has drawn out a maximum amount of skin-baring babes like the cool round moon brings out werewolves and astro-dweebs. With that in mind, the summer already achieves an Eh Plus (OH CANADA, OUR HOME ON NATIVE LAND).

Maybe an A+ is a bit overboard, because I haven't played nearly as much tennis as I had planned to and I still think I should lay in grassy fields more. Also, I haven't been berry pickin' once! My mom used to take us all the time, but now that I'm an urban cosmopolitan yuppie type, I generally turn my nose up at leaving the confides of downtown to go bend over in the mud for a few hours. Just joking, I simply haven't the desire.



I think this rules?

What can we expect to see in Q2 summer 2010?

A new style of lady bathing wear that combines the sleek lines of a one-piece, with added flippers, a built in hood with goggle, and a thonged buttock.

LeBron James will take his talents to the Culinary Institute of America where he'll do some lovely things with tomatoes

Kids addicted to video games will finally go outside and get way into swings.

Waterworld

S'mores will replace roast beef on Sundays

This entry took me so damn long. My favourite part is the link to Tom Morello. What's yours this time?

GLENN
"Summer of 69s"

MAKE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BREAK YOURSELF (YOU HAVE TO)

Yesterday I was riding my bike across Queen St. here in Toronto and I swear, 85% of girls I passed were hot babes. I feel bad for the other 15% because it's not like they were trolls or anything, they just had big time competition.

Summer is season of skin and those who think their skin, valleys, peaks and nose are top of the pops want to show it off. It's not unlike New Zealand having the opportunity to show its tits throughout the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You see humans and the Earth aren't that different from one another:

Grass = Skin
Mountains = Boobs or Butts
Hills = Chins
Roads = Scabs
Oceans = Tears
Magnetic Hill = The Brain
Lakes = Sweat
National Parks = The Whole Face
Volcanoes = Diarrhea
Rain Forest = Pubes
Plains = That guy Powder I think
Stonehenge = Tattoos

What does all this mean? It doesn't mean anything, except that the most perfect moment in life would be to lie with a hot chick in a valley with a lake which will give your Magnetic Hill the most intense Yin Yang you've ever felt, from your Rain Forest to your Hill.

Let's see... what else is in the news?


"It's been a deadly summer for Canada geese south of the border as hundreds have been wiped out in mass killings."

Mayor Beaver has assigned Detective Bear to the case, while Mrs. Frog and Sir Sparrow have set up a crisis centre on the west bank of Lazy Oak Pond. Lawyer Mouse has released a statement persecuting Wise Wolf, who hasn't been seen since the Pumpkin Dance last harvest. Other suspects include Farmer Nick.

"Scientists wielding a powerful supercomputer have cracked the mystery of which came first, the chicken or the egg. The short answer: the chicken."

The team now moves on to their next project which is to scientifically determine exactly how much time and money was wasted on the previous study.

OR

The long answer is also the chicken.

"Apple Inc is likely to announce a fix for the iPhone 4’s reception problems, rather than a recall, at a surprise press conference on the device on Friday, analysts said."

Mel Gibson

See you guys on the trails!

SOP SOME TEARS WITH RYE BREAD AND SERVE OVER WARM SPINACH

Like most shit in life, the recent heat wave has had its positives, negatives and so-so's. Pants have been put on national "do not sport" lists while radish farmers have become the country's newest millionaires. But at the end of the day, summer is about kids because popsicles are about kids and popsicles are about summer.

Since most kids don't have a water slide in their backyard, the majority have to look for wet fun elsewhere, which is where your local recreation centre comes in. The jewel of my community is the Coach Neck Del Martino Memorial Rec Centre, and I'd like to take you on a little tour!

Right outside the main entrance is a statue of the late coach that was erected last year thanks to the generous support of local businesses. Special shout outs to Nick's Barber Shop whose hair eating contest raised $25,000 dollars and made the next day's charity Barf Off a whole lot more interesting.

Just inside the entrance is the main foyer that was designed by Ms. Harver's 2nd grade class. The kids got to vote on the statues at the end of the hall and they chose Robert Pattinson and popular Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman, Tomas Kaberle. The floors are polished every hour by a robot named Gregory who wants nothing more than to be a professional angler. We don't treat him very well because quite frankly, he's not a real guy.

Oh, and there he is! The best administrator in town, Mike Moon. He keeps things running smooth and even fills the pool with a special water he makes in his garage. I asked him to pose next to his Rec Centre of the Millennium Award, but he just couldn't pry himself away from his work, which on this day was sending one email a minute to world cannonball champion Splash "The Human SkyDome" Jordan with hopes of him attending this year's regatta.

Here we have one of our fabulous outdoor pools, with all the modern amenities. Since we're an environmentally concious facility, the pool doubles as a racoon trap at night. Everything that's caught doesn't go to waste and is used in our kitchen's famous ragout sauce. Bathers are cautioned not to drink the water because it contains cobra venom which gives it that special shine.

That does it for part one of our tour. Parts two through sixty-eight can be found in our year book which is available via trade only. Things we need are -- cars, gold, maybe like, some personalized sweatshirts for the staff, a new dart board, a football field and a good lawyer. Thanks for your time and I'll see you in the pool!

KNEE KNOB

The whole world is so hot right now that even those with bad butts are trading in their baggies for skin freeing bikinis and briefs. Doctors will tell you to "stay still and eat watermelon", but what if you can't sit still and consider watermelon the undisputed most overrated fruit of all time? Since I am one of those guys, I've come up with some cool tips to beat the heat. Some of them aren't real so use your better judgment.

1. Calm down!

Have you ever heard the term "hot head"? It means you get so pissed off at your chores that your body produces extra heat that spreads throughout your body and grows your finger and toe nails like crazy. Remember that man with the long nails who set records for nails? He lives in India, which is the hottest place in the world next to this really small attic in Texas, AND he hates his wife real bad, so he knew what he was doing. So if you're pissed off, just think of Christmas.

Here's the nails guy on an episode of "Grillin' with Bobby Flay"
during a US promotional tour

2. Wet your clothes

For some reason water likes to turn into steam. Don't ask me, ask whoever invented it. Anyway, when your body gets wet it steals your heat because it wants to get wild and you cool down in the process. So before leaving the house get your pants as wet as possible and let the water do the work. If this is too confusing just watch Star Wars Episode I, as Qui Gon Jin's explanation of the Force's "midichlorians" is basically him explaining what I just did but way stupider.

3. Use fire

Baseball players put extra weight on their bats in the on-deck circle so that when they actually step up to the plate, the bat feels as light as a model. Before you start your day get a little fire going and run on the spot until you're so hot that you smell your delicious skin start to roast. Feel free to grab a few nibbles before quickly extinguishing the fire and going about your day feeling as cool as a dude.

IT'S 9/9/09 - SUCH A COOL DAY MAN

I hate to break it to you "beach bums", but summer is pretty much over. Kids are back to school, bears are eating a lot of fish and honey, and Halloween has kicked off in retail outlets around the world. Thanks to the magic of the brain, and the phenomenon of "memory" I will now briefly reflect on the summer of 2009 in Toronto as it applied to me.

His favourite is DEFINITELY the one whose butt is pressing against his abdomen.

If summer '08 taught me anything, it's that weather in June, July and August is by no means obligated to be fantastic. I spent the majority of last fall, winter and spring (cold, cold and wet, cold and damp respectively) licking my chops and practicing various sports serves in preparation for summer '09, which statistically couldn't be any worse than its predecessor.

But just after summer officially started in late June, our outside workers union decided to go on strike because a bunch of rich garbage men got pissed that the mayor was threatening to make them slightly less rich, even though all they do all day is toss around the worst stuff that no one wants.

That means the other half will not be any better than standing on a ferry for 10 minutes.

The strike ended in late July, which didn't really matter at all because in a cruel twist of fate it pretty much rained all the time anyway. Explaining all this might be dumb because I think most of you are from around here. I'm having trouble with this entry man. It's Tuesday night and going back to work after a wonderful weekend is tougher than leather hats. Let's conclude:

I didn't let the bad weather and trash filled streets figuratively dampen my spirits. The theme of this summer can be summed up with our cottage '09 motto of "dip while the dippin' is good". I tried to make use of every sunny day and ended up with good outdoor experiences, including tennis matches, swims and raisin roasts . I think the only think I didn't really do was camp, which isn't too bad because camping is really just vintage sleeping. Total throwbacks guy.

Stay tuned tomorrow when I debut my new fall schedule, with flagship entertainment news program...
We play a couple named The Sandwiches and we go to events like the Calgary Stampede.

CAP GUN BY LOUIS VUITTON

WEEKEND FILL-IN - PART TWO - THE JEWEL OF GARNOK

Let's talk about Sunday for a second. Me, Liv and some good pals took the islands of Toronto for a day of relaxation and summer vibes. I bought a new cooler bag, six beers, six hot dogs, one bag of premium chips and a disposable grill for the occasion and all items teamed up to make for one great day. We started the festivities at the nude beach for a nice dip and some lakeside brews.

Liv was head of dong patrol and in this picture gives cheers to her favourite wiener of the day (not pictured)

Stein and Temple drink beer while a nude man in a sarong, which we all admitted we'd never seen before, discusses hunk sightings with a friend.

After baking like clay in the hot fireball sun, we took to the quiets of the island broads for a game of classic American style catch, and a hearty meal that feature the aforementioned hot dogs, as well as Mexican style corn, tomatoes and hamburgers. I guess we didn't bring enough food, because eventually we started eating bun tacos* featuring Diana Sauce and ketchup. But it didn't matter. It was probably the most relaxed I've been in a long time and we all vehemently agreed that the day was a success, capped off by a round of enthusiastic high fives outside of Union Station.

At night I was really hot and tired.

I'm really glad I was able to make use of the nicest weekend in forever by enjoying mother nature's huge summer boobs and surrounding myself with my friends who rule.

But it's too hot out. Way too hot.

* A "bun taco" is a folded half of a bun filled with whatever sauce is on hand.

MYTHBUSTERS SHOULD DO A SHOW ABOUT GHOSTS AND IT'LL BE THE BE ALL, END ALL

WEEKEND FILL IN - PART ONE - THE FIRST LITTLE BIT - NO SUNDAY FOR ALL YOU BEAN COUNTERS

Holy farts, I'm soooooo tired. It's Sunday night and I just had a heck of a weekend full of ups, downs, lefts, rights, ones and zeroes, Kool Aid and Tang and you get it, but it was mostly all fun and smooth things.

On Friday, some of us men took our good, to be married next week friend Julia out to Hamilton for a "Beeforette" party. We all went to univserity together in the anus of Ontario where we loved getting roast beef sandwiches from "Tally Ho", the restaurant. Roast beef, golden fries and gravy darker than grandma's stale basement.

The world famous "Beef Basket". It doesn't come with a soft drink but it does come with coleslaw which is a refreshing alternative.

Chocolate pudding? I wouldn't mind some, but I'm glad it's gravy. Thick enough that you for sure couldn't swim in it.

When I crave Tally Ho this is how it all goes down in my head.

Double beef basket

Bride to be cheats on her husband with Jacob Beef Sandwich. A sandwich, not a guy.

Then we wanted beers so we went to Hess Village, which is an area with a bunch of bars. Bars the business, not the construction material. We went to a very empty "Smooth Hermans" and found out why it was empty when they gave us re-used plastic cups to drink out of, complete with old beer residue.

Baseball action logos and speed letters were all the rage in the 1980's, but dirty plastic cups and shitty menus were never very popular.

So we headed back to Toronto and got smashed at Comedy Bar, where a big guy from Calgary kept buying everyone big drinks. He said I drink like a woman. I think I drink more like an inexperienced teenager.

On Saturday, a friend needed some cheering up and good company so we dudes went to go see that movie everyone loves, "District 9", which was dynamite for sure. That movie is just great. Before that though, Jon and I hit the public pool for a typical summer dip. The musty part was that we had to wait half an hour when we got there because they had just put some chemicals in. Everyone on the deck was so anxious, and then in a perfect summer moment, they announced it was open again and everyone screamed and cannonballed in, babes included.

Since this was such a jam packed weekend full of intrigue and ice cube trays, I'll continue tomorrow with part 2. I'll probably mention District 9 again and then gloat about how relaxed I was on Sunday. Plus, when you sit your family down for dinner tonight and your son asks about what's happening tomorrow you can tell him what to expect instead of lying to him like you usually do. You're still a cool parent though. Just keep the fresh chips and R rated comedies coming.