WHEN I GO TO A RESTAURANT I LOVE A GOOD LIST OF TONICS

Despite the current economy and my penchant for pinching pennies and hating IKEA, I turned over two new leaves and obtained a new phone and bought a new bed frame from IKEA. My old phone (let's call him Nunzio for no particular reason), was sturdy as a half decent oak tree, but it didn't reflect the "Thug Life", which I strive for every day. Admittedly I didn't have to pay for this new phone (Cory, his actual name), but for me to put aside my loyalty to Nunzio is rare because I tend to create emotional attachments to my life accessories that I can fully rely on.

The picture is here merely for spruce

I was never a big fan of our old bed frame, which kind of reminded me of an old crib you'd find at a garage sale and think to yourself "they don't make them like this anymore". Its fate was sealed last week when I did a huge air mount and broke the shit out of it. We slept on a broken, slanty bed for a couple of days before I gathered enough courage and ignorance to actually go to IKEA, where every visit is its own worst day of the year. This time, everything was going fine until we reach the cash registers, where yet again the person in front of me couldn't grasp the concept of the pricing of goods. In this case, this scab of a human being, refused to accept that a pillow cost $12.99 and failed to notice the people (us) behind her scowling like a teen at dinner time. 20 minutes later, we payed for our pieces of bed and then spent another 20 in the hottest parking lot in the Milky Way Galaxy trying to fit these pieces into the car. It didn't work so we had to get it all delivered, meaning the trip was a total waste when you take the Internet and its e-commerce into consideration.

Then I of course had to put the thing together, which was going alright until one step that baffled logic. Luckily, I had to leave to perform summer poems at the Loner Show presented by Laugh Sabbath by a character named "Summer Dude", which I'll now give you for free:

The Weather this summer

Holy shit it’s been hot
Imagine you were a bear?

Those guys have body beards
And sweat their fair share

Hairy men suffer too
But enough with the gents

Are tits like insulators?
Are vaginas like vents?

Maybe women are like camels
Their humps keep them icy

But hot milk goes sour
Does heat make tits smell not nicey?

Picture a bear with big tits
she’d be in summer hell

Full circle poem huh?
Hot, bear, tits, milk, camels

This one is all wrapped up
So feel the damn heat

And men just remember boys
Chill out your wife’s teats

THE RACE TO BE MAYOR

Mayor Miller’s stepping down
Who the hell’s going to run this town?

Two Italians vie for the crown
So grab a calzone and I’ll run them down

First there’s Giorgio and of course little Joe
Which one’s the best? Who the hell knows?

Then there’s chick, her name is Sar-ah
I don’t care about her, only the colour of her bra

George Smitherman is openly homo
Does that mean he won’t support the Sky Domo?

The last one’s name is Robert Ford
In that movie he was a coward

It starred Brad Pitt, the hottest dude
Rob Ford is so fat he’s Medusa when nude

Vote this year for your favourite one
Or Rob Ford will eat you without a bun

Summer Woman

(the first line of this poem is an actual quote from a middle-aged woman I saw in a meat store)

I’ve been to my girlfriend’s trailer three times in Wasaga and it’s been bomb
I had sex with Dom, he has a Ford Mustang, have you ever played cuss tag?

It’s a drinking game where you name swears and chug rum Bitch, shit, asshole, then I said bum, and I had to drink up We ran out of rum so I drank ketchup

So many stars up there unlike the city where I live with my pets I named my dog after my daughter…wait.. maybe I got that backward

Anyway, about the name, it’s not English It’s a Jap word They’re both named Sushi kind of like Susie, but more exotic The is name I chose is versatile it’s classy and erotic, my husband fought it, It doesn’t matter He’s out the picture because he has a taste for young women I can’t blame him my hair is thinnin’ and my tits aren’t what they used to be But I still look good in a tie died shirt and a pair of Oakley shades

Next year we’re going to the Everglades my mom has a condo by the beach Her neighbor is tom, and last year I saw his dong, goddamn next year is going to be bomb.

INCEPTION

Warner Bros presents Inception
Have you even seen it?

It stars Leo DiCaprio
with hair like River Phoenix

In this one he can go through dreams
And there he meets batman

They team up to fight the Joker
And a villain named catman

Then there’s a part in outer space
And things get real funny

who cares if I haven’t seen it
movies cost tons of money

Instead I went to this cool stream
Close to the DVP

I pissed wherever I wanted
And wrote some Graffiti

Eat shit, cool tits and LSD
Were amongst the things I wrote

I brought some plums along for lunch
And tried to build a boat

A man named Flappy helped me out
We shared a beer or two

Then he got really mad at me
And hit me with his shoe

I went down fast and had a dream
About contraception

So in the end it was pretty good
That day I lived inception

Originally I was going to go up and just read them as me, but I added Summer Dude in at the 11th hour and as it turns out, he was probably the funniest part. Here's to Summer Dude, sturdy bed frames, and new phones and how about the sport of fishing for old time's sake?