MAKE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BREAK YOURSELF (YOU HAVE TO)

Yesterday I was riding my bike across Queen St. here in Toronto and I swear, 85% of girls I passed were hot babes. I feel bad for the other 15% because it's not like they were trolls or anything, they just had big time competition.

Summer is season of skin and those who think their skin, valleys, peaks and nose are top of the pops want to show it off. It's not unlike New Zealand having the opportunity to show its tits throughout the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You see humans and the Earth aren't that different from one another:

Grass = Skin
Mountains = Boobs or Butts
Hills = Chins
Roads = Scabs
Oceans = Tears
Magnetic Hill = The Brain
Lakes = Sweat
National Parks = The Whole Face
Volcanoes = Diarrhea
Rain Forest = Pubes
Plains = That guy Powder I think
Stonehenge = Tattoos

What does all this mean? It doesn't mean anything, except that the most perfect moment in life would be to lie with a hot chick in a valley with a lake which will give your Magnetic Hill the most intense Yin Yang you've ever felt, from your Rain Forest to your Hill.

Let's see... what else is in the news?


"It's been a deadly summer for Canada geese south of the border as hundreds have been wiped out in mass killings."

Mayor Beaver has assigned Detective Bear to the case, while Mrs. Frog and Sir Sparrow have set up a crisis centre on the west bank of Lazy Oak Pond. Lawyer Mouse has released a statement persecuting Wise Wolf, who hasn't been seen since the Pumpkin Dance last harvest. Other suspects include Farmer Nick.

"Scientists wielding a powerful supercomputer have cracked the mystery of which came first, the chicken or the egg. The short answer: the chicken."

The team now moves on to their next project which is to scientifically determine exactly how much time and money was wasted on the previous study.

OR

The long answer is also the chicken.

"Apple Inc is likely to announce a fix for the iPhone 4’s reception problems, rather than a recall, at a surprise press conference on the device on Friday, analysts said."

Mel Gibson

See you guys on the trails!

GUMBO DINGER AND HIS GATOR BAND

This is the best weekend to go to the Canadian National Exhibition because this weekend is the Canadian International Airshow.

A shark plane with a gun in its mouth -- ladies in gentlemen, I give you my favourite thing

Unfortunately for me, an avid fan of awesome things, I'll be out of town, but I still get to enjoy seeing the planes practice from my window at work, which overlooks the Island Airport. I've heard a few people on various social networking sites complain cynically about the noise of the jets flying around, to which I respond -- fuck you.

There's plenty of room for cynicism in this world. Oh shit, just as I wrote that I giant bomber just flew over my building. If you think that a bunch of gigantic steel birds and supersonic flying guns zipping around at mach speeds isn't the coolest, then I think you probably have trouble with cool things in general, because my friends, jets rule. And now a jet fighter is doing spins while flying straight up. And now there are four jets in perfect formation and one is totally upside down. Not cool? Go back to grandma's pantry and slow cook me some beans.

HEADLINE NEWS WITH JOKES

One man bit off part of another man's finger when a health care reform demonstration turned violent in Thousand Oaks, California.
When reached for comment, the victim was in a surprisingly good mood, stating, "I came here to give the current health care system the finger and that's exactly what I did."

The Lingerie Football League and the Chicago Bliss make their local debut at the Sears Centre in Hoffman Estates Friday, and an announcement regarding possible Mike Ditka ownership is planned for before the game.
The announcement is expected to be brief, as Ditka feels no obligation to justify buying a LINGERIE FOOTBALL team.

Michael Vick will be reinstated into the NFL in week 3, when his Eagles face the Kansas City Chiefs.
The decision was a deliberate one, as the NFL wanted to avoid having Vick play during the dog days of summer.

Barry Shell, who won $4.4 million dollars in a Lotto 6/49 game, was unable to reach a deal in court yesterday to resolve an outstanding theft charge.
The frustrated judge spent most of the proceedings attempting to explain what a bribe was without actually saying it.

A Florida man who cracked open an ice cold can of Pepsi "indeed" found dismembered remains of a frog, the US Food and Drug Administration said on Thursday.
Despite the strange taste and texture, the man finished the can because it reminded him of his other favourite drink, Mountain Dew.

Michael Jackson was unable to father children after a painful operation to improve his sperm count failed.
If his other surgeries are considered "successes" then this one must have been really bad.