SANG FOR THE BIRD, IT SANG BACK BUT I STILL DON'T WANT TO EAT IT

Welcome to "Hollywood Movie Pitch Minute" where we give screenwriters the chance to pitch their scripts to Hollywood executives. Thanks to the Internet, Hollywood executives will probably see this because this is on the Internet and they're all so rich that they all have the Internet. If not for Hollywood Movie Pitch Minute the public might have never seen Gerby Productions' underappreciated VHS tape Shovels for Jamie. Okay boys your minute starts now, pitch away!

 Adam & Eve Vs. Cavemen & Dinosaurs

Tagline -- In the battle for rocks and meat, there are no winners, only champions...


Dream Cast

Tom Hardy as Caveman Donf
Jennifer Lawrence as Cavewoman Barp
Andy Serkis as Dinosaur Bib Boib
Andrew Garfield as Adam
Elizabeth Olsen as Eve
Ted Danson as Christian God
William H. Macy as Caveman Lord
and Martin Short as the Story Teller

"They're dumb, but strong"
- Adam (Andrew Garfield) after first encounter Cavemen

The United States in America is currently a nation deeply divided. There are those religious traditionalists who believe the Earth was actually created by God with a snap of the fingers and wink of the eye. Then there are the so-called intellectuals who have synthesized years of human study to surmise the Earth began in space and that humans were created low and slow. But what if they were both right?

The screenwriting duo of Theo Spores and Fernando (Come Scream With Me, Ding Dong! It's You, @rmy W@rs) attempt to answer this question in their new script Adam & Eve Vs. Cavemen & Dinosaurs.

When Adam and Eve decide to take a vacation for a couple of weeks (pre-snake) leaving their paradise and nest made of old birds, they stumble upon a primitive society of neanderthals and their domestic dinos. Adam goes to take a shower under a waterfall leaving Eve alone to be hunted by the cavemen's greatest warrior and sexiest chef, Donf. It's a lot like Dances with Wolves for awhile over at caveman HQ. Meanwhile, Adam begins to enjoy the new single life and learns how to ride cheetahs. But then he falls off one and is taken in by the beautiful cavewoman Barp, who also happens to be Donf's fourth girlfriend!

With action you'd call "just right", humour that's pretty good and a love story instead of too much drama, Adam & Eve Vs. Cavemen & Dinosaurs is sure to garner critical praise and box office success. Please buy this script and let's have some fun, shall we?

Here are some promotional images our friend whipped up:

HYPERLINKS ARE THE COLOUR "INTERNET BLUE"

BIG GIG THIS WEEKEND

On Saturday, my friends Hayden and Julia are getting married and Andy and I are booked to be the MCs. As far as I know, a good wedding MC should:

• make the meal taste better
• make all the singles fall in love
• get everyone the perfect amount of drunk, based on personal tolerances - a true master can do this on the fly. All you really need to be able to do is tell the difference between man and woman, young and old, and big and small. Lucky for me, I have the eyes of a scorpion.
  
• make everyone cry. The kind of crying you do when you watch the end of
  Shawshank Redemption
• have a song ready to sing, just in case something goes wrong and a song is needed for some reason. Imagine there was an emergency and I belted out "Danny Boy"? Two birds with one stone. See point above. I'm the hero.
  
• look cooler and sexier than everyone but the bride and groom

I think that's all we have to do. That and just basically rock the party, but people should be striving to do that day in and day out, MC or not.

HOLLYWOOD HOT PLATE WITH:






Just kidding, it's me still.

Whenever I hear about new public images of naked celebrities, I gotta check it them out because I've spent a lot of money on entertainment throughout my life, so the least they can do is give a little something back and show butt every now and then.

So when I heard that there was another Hollywood sex romp CAUGHT ON TAPE I had to see it. I'm talking of course about the one featuring Leonardo DiCaprio's older brother, Eric Dane, his 1990's wife Rebecca Gayheart and some other woman who has bigger cans than her. I'd describe this video as "everyday naked" because they don't do anything but hang out nude and have an idiotic conversation. I wouldn't bother checking it out unless you're a real horn dog - but if you're a real horn dog you've probably already seen it. Or you didn't bother because you don't waste your time with grainy nude romps featuring c-list celebrities.

THOUGHTS

My office gives me a sore throat every day. It goes away and then I go back to work and it shows up again. Science or wizardry?

MORE ON BABIES, LESS ON PUDDINGS

If you read gossip magazines and love celebrity culture, then you must have noticed how many stars are having kids these days. People are saying that having sex and then birthing the product (babies) is now trendy amongst the Hollywood elite, just as magnetic rope necklaces are popular amongst pitchers in the big leagues because they apparently make you better, albeit at the cost of looking like a complete turd. In both cases there's something sinister and magical going on, as somehow half of these new celebrity parents seem to be having twins. Am I the only one that finds this strange? Probably not. You've thought about it right? Now you're reading this and skipping to the bottom becuase you've gone over the Hollywood twin debate a million times with your friends during nights of Cheetos and Balderdash. Well whatever. Some people need to know this stuff. Some people still don't know who Seth Rogen is. These are the people we need to reach, so shut up, sit there and deal with this twin stuff until I move on to something you'll enjoy. Do you like fables? No? Okay, later I'll talk about something good, but not fables.

Let's get back to it. I remember a time when twins were as rare as a picture of James Tolkan with hair. According to wikipedia, "The current rate in the United States is 31 twin births per 1,000 women", and yet the rate in Hollywood is more like 1 in 3. This must mean that doctors in L.A. know how to give you twins. I'll bet they can also cure baldness and zits no problem. You think some starlets go in to the doctor and are like, "I'll take some new tits, a pair of twins, some new hair, a new butt and..... do you guys have subs? Turkey? Yeah two of those and a cranberry juice. How much? 5 million? Okay make it three subs."

The doctor then says, "No problem at all. What are you going to name the twins once you pop 'em?"

"Football Jesus Horse Phalp Johnson for the boy and Stiletto Handbag Swiffer Wet Jet Lisa Johnson for my baby girl."

"Will she want new tits?"

"Yeah I'd better get her those. Babies don't have big ones do they?"

"Some do."

"Really?"

"No you idiot."

The star's last name is "Johnson" in this case. I made it up. Insert your favourite star's last name for it to be more effective. I didn't want to name names.

Everyone's trying to cash in on this trend including those guys from TLC with their hit show about these two lunatics with 8 kids called Jon and Kate Plus 8, a show that's on about 9 times a day. The funny thing is that you watch the show and you're like "ohhh man these people are dumb." But the last two times I've watched it, TLC follows it up with different shows about multiples like "Livin' with 16" or "Doin' it with 20" and all of a sudden 8 kids doesn't seem like that many.

That concludes the section on Hollywood twins. For the people that didn't like that, here's my review of Big Top Pee-Wee, a film I haven't seen since I was twelve:

In this movie, Pee-Wee has this blond girlfriend and they eat a picnic lunch one day and he throws his egg salad sandwich away that she makes him but he still loves her. Then the circus comes to town and Pee-Wee and his pig let the circus stay at his farm that has a futuristic greenhouse where he grows hot dogs. Pee-Wee falls for that chick from Hot Shots, and his girlfriend finds out because she sees the sandwich he threw away floating in a river. To get revenge she starts dating the Pickalapookala brothers. Then they put on a performance and Pee-Wee does his funny dance on the tightrope. A great sequel to Pee-Wee's first film. I give it two bum-bums in the air.

That's all from memory. Let's see how much I got right:

In the sequel to "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", Pee-Wee Herman is a simple farmer in a small town. But soon a big storm blows their way. A circus ends up at Pee Wee's farm. So he let's the circus stay at his farm for a while. The circus decides to put on a show with one lovable star - Pee-Wee!

I was spot on (sort of)! I almost got those guys' last name right too. Apparently it's "Piccolapupula".

I have a really good memory and if you tell me your name and favourite waterslide I'll never forget.

Regards,

Glenn William Macaulay

A REGULAR MAN'S GUIDE TO TIFF 08

The title is true this time!

Every September, Toronto hosts a film festival and every year it seems to get bigger and bigger. Sure, this a big thing for people from Hollywood and for idiots and loose women who want to try to party with them, but does this mean for a guy like me? Or a girl like you!? Or that kid beside you who started school on Tuesday and is like "wawawawawa I just want a new cell phone, and a laptop. I hate my teacher Mrs. Mort. AHHHHHH let's have pizza forever, wwawawawa"? Do you really want to know? Of course you do, because you're a great person and everyone likes you.

Here's the guide. Do me a favour okay? Print it out, and go glue it to some car windshields. That's how US Weekly got so popular. Back then, they didn't even have pictures and most of the articles were recipes that were healthy, delicious and ready in 10 minutes.

TIFF '08 - The films

September rolls around and a regular man is in a bad mood because summer's almost over and he remembers that he hasn't gone swimming yet. Back to school frenzy begins and he's happy that all the little dicks have to go back to something most of them hate because he had to work all summer and his job stinks nuts. Local media starts reporting on the upcoming festival and we start to hear about the films, and subsequent stars, that will appear and litter Yorkville with million dollar haircuts, complicated coats and that rare.... fruit....that they always eat. You know? Like, small bananas. He may take a few minutes to check if there's any films he might want to see and may make a small list, because a regular man likes movies and must admit that the festival is kind of exciting. Tickets go on sale and a regular man tries to get them on the Internet. The website is too busy and he doesn't get tickets. He gets mad and says to himself, "fuck this. I'm not going". Then someone says, "just go to the box office." Then he says back, "fuck you. Whatever." Then he goes to see the same movies in the theatre a few months later for half the price.

TIFF '08 - The parties

A regular man notices that when the festival is on, the streets are busy with girls wearing dresses that wouldn't fit a hobbit and dudes that look so stupid that if they got mad at you and wanted to fight you, you know you could outsmart them and make them buy you Burger King somehow. The parties have begun to eclipse the films themselves, with local media and local clubs acting like a dweeb in high school who's parents are going away. This is his time to be cool and invites the most popular people in school who don't give a shit about the dweeb, because all they want to do is party and wreck things and are happy they have a place to do it. A regular man isn't invited to any of these parties and wouldn't dare try getting into one for fear of rejection and standing outside for two hours, when he could be at home baking or putting together cool models of boats or planes. He instead walks the streets en route to his friend's house where they'll play video games and when he gets there he goes on a rant about the morons he saw, like that girl that couldn't walk in her shoes and who's dress almost exposed her bare butt.

TIFF '08 - Conclusion

A regular man doesn't go to any films or any parties and gets mad because he realizes how silly it all is because all these rich people just hang out together and party for free, while journalists and bloggers try to get in and brag to each other and the general public as to how much fun they're having and how many free drinks they've been getting. All the while teachers start work and make barely anything in comparison and the police have to stop solving crimes and instead make sure normal people don't get anywhere near the rich people, while also getting paid a fraction of what the stars, publicists, producers, club owner's etc. get for doing the stupidest stuff.

That got heavy at the end huh? And guess what? The "regular man" is me! I'm regular! I have an idea for a new product called "The Beach Pillow" and if I ever sell it and make a million dollars, and if I get invited to fancy parties, I'll try to stay regular although I'll probably be draped in gold and women wearing snakeskin thingies. I went to a Just for Laughs party once that was fancy and I spent the whole time giggling and trying to find more free mini burgers. I will never change you guys. NEVER. NEVER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHWHOAHAHAHAFRIESHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHASPIDERMANHAHAHAHOH YWEAH