September 9, 2008


If you read gossip magazines and love celebrity culture, then you must have noticed how many stars are having kids these days. People are saying that having sex and then birthing the product (babies) is now trendy amongst the Hollywood elite, just as magnetic rope necklaces are popular amongst pitchers in the big leagues because they apparently make you better, albeit at the cost of looking like a complete turd. In both cases there's something sinister and magical going on, as somehow half of these new celebrity parents seem to be having twins. Am I the only one that finds this strange? Probably not. You've thought about it right? Now you're reading this and skipping to the bottom becuase you've gone over the Hollywood twin debate a million times with your friends during nights of Cheetos and Balderdash. Well whatever. Some people need to know this stuff. Some people still don't know who Seth Rogen is. These are the people we need to reach, so shut up, sit there and deal with this twin stuff until I move on to something you'll enjoy. Do you like fables? No? Okay, later I'll talk about something good, but not fables.

Let's get back to it. I remember a time when twins were as rare as a picture of James Tolkan with hair. According to wikipedia, "The current rate in the United States is 31 twin births per 1,000 women", and yet the rate in Hollywood is more like 1 in 3. This must mean that doctors in L.A. know how to give you twins. I'll bet they can also cure baldness and zits no problem. You think some starlets go in to the doctor and are like, "I'll take some new tits, a pair of twins, some new hair, a new butt and..... do you guys have subs? Turkey? Yeah two of those and a cranberry juice. How much? 5 million? Okay make it three subs."

The doctor then says, "No problem at all. What are you going to name the twins once you pop 'em?"

"Football Jesus Horse Phalp Johnson for the boy and Stiletto Handbag Swiffer Wet Jet Lisa Johnson for my baby girl."

"Will she want new tits?"

"Yeah I'd better get her those. Babies don't have big ones do they?"

"Some do."


"No you idiot."

The star's last name is "Johnson" in this case. I made it up. Insert your favourite star's last name for it to be more effective. I didn't want to name names.

Everyone's trying to cash in on this trend including those guys from TLC with their hit show about these two lunatics with 8 kids called Jon and Kate Plus 8, a show that's on about 9 times a day. The funny thing is that you watch the show and you're like "ohhh man these people are dumb." But the last two times I've watched it, TLC follows it up with different shows about multiples like "Livin' with 16" or "Doin' it with 20" and all of a sudden 8 kids doesn't seem like that many.

That concludes the section on Hollywood twins. For the people that didn't like that, here's my review of Big Top Pee-Wee, a film I haven't seen since I was twelve:

In this movie, Pee-Wee has this blond girlfriend and they eat a picnic lunch one day and he throws his egg salad sandwich away that she makes him but he still loves her. Then the circus comes to town and Pee-Wee and his pig let the circus stay at his farm that has a futuristic greenhouse where he grows hot dogs. Pee-Wee falls for that chick from Hot Shots, and his girlfriend finds out because she sees the sandwich he threw away floating in a river. To get revenge she starts dating the Pickalapookala brothers. Then they put on a performance and Pee-Wee does his funny dance on the tightrope. A great sequel to Pee-Wee's first film. I give it two bum-bums in the air.

That's all from memory. Let's see how much I got right:

In the sequel to "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", Pee-Wee Herman is a simple farmer in a small town. But soon a big storm blows their way. A circus ends up at Pee Wee's farm. So he let's the circus stay at his farm for a while. The circus decides to put on a show with one lovable star - Pee-Wee!

I was spot on (sort of)! I almost got those guys' last name right too. Apparently it's "Piccolapupula".

I have a really good memory and if you tell me your name and favourite waterslide I'll never forget.


Glenn William Macaulay

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