CRUISE THE NEWS

Remember when you were a teenager and all you wanted to do was be cool? I don't think I was cool. When I got to high school I was way into Star Wars and every piece of clothing I owned was branded with sports. In grade 9 all the rude dudes wore skateboarding clothes, which posed an issue for a guy like me who was trying to fit in because in order to dress like a skateboard dude you basically had to skateboard, which took time and money. It's sort of like if skydiving fashions became trendy and be to authentic you had to go jump out of a plane every once and a while, otherwise you'd be considered a poser.

Imagine policeman clothes became trendy and the REAL trendsetters started to obey the law 100%? Maybe that's how world peace can be achieved - make police clothes the coolest. Or make the coolest dudes in the world into police officers and give them all skateboards and neat hairdos. I ACTUALLY think that would work.

Hunk and babe cool cops fighting crime,
hunk and babe cool cops all the time.
Hunk and babe cool cops world peace,
hunk and babe cool cops calm the Middle East.
baby baby ohhh yeah honey honey, motherfuckers better stop doin' all the silly cri-ee-yime!!

^
That's the theme song of the future world police force.

Back to business...

I think I got the short end of the stick man. These days hobbies aren't attached to style as much. All you have to do is go buy some clothes. Back then even if you showed up to school wearing the latest "threads" you weren't cool until you proved you could do the "cool moves" on your "sticky doodle". If you only had the clothes you were a poser and you looked worse than you did before when you wore your yellow overalls and Disney hat. So listen up teen of today - you have it pretty good. Except that you're pressured to have sex earlier. I didn't have that.

Last night I watched this documentary called "The Recruiter". First off, it was a pretty good movie. It's about the U.S. Army trying to recruit youths and it's basically for liberals so they can say "ooooooooo this is dumb" which is what I was saying the whole time.



I'm no Roger Ebert because I'm not from Chicago and I don't weigh that much and I don't write movie reviews professionally so I'll spare you a full review and instead get down to the reason why I mentioned this in the first place - I could never be in the Army! The last part of the film shows some of the recruited teens in basic training, which is like opposite fun land for guys like me. All day long you do push ups while men who aren't your dad yell at you. You have to wrestle one another and eat shitty food. When you do finally get out it's pretty much guaranteed you're going to Iraq to the hornet's nest where there's a good chance you'll totally die or at least see someone die. No wonder no one wants to join!

It's like, "hey man, want money for college?"

"'Course I do!"

"All you have to do is sign your life away, leave your family and friends, go to hell camp, go to hell, maybe die, see your friends die, come back, go crazy, go back to hell probably and then you can have some money for college."

"I don't want to do that you idiot."

"All your favourite rock n roll stars did it."

"Like who?"

"uhhhhhhhhh..... Meetrallica?"

"Fuck you general."

"General? I wish."

Go see that movie if you want to yell at the screen and feel better about your life. I went to bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. And visions of cool airplanes with TV's in 'em. It's Friday, go see a movie.