Every September, Toronto hosts a film festival and every year it seems to get bigger and bigger. Sure, this a big thing for people from Hollywood and for idiots and loose women who want to try to party with them, but does this mean for a guy like me? Or a girl like you!? Or that kid beside you who started school on Tuesday and is like "wawawawawa I just want a new cell phone, and a laptop. I hate my teacher Mrs. Mort. AHHHHHH let's have pizza forever, wwawawawa"? Do you really want to know? Of course you do, because you're a great person and everyone likes you.
Here's the guide. Do me a favour okay? Print it out, and go glue it to some car windshields. That's how US Weekly got so popular. Back then, they didn't even have pictures and most of the articles were recipes that were healthy, delicious and ready in 10 minutes.
TIFF '08 - The films
September rolls around and a regular man is in a bad mood because summer's almost over and he remembers that he hasn't gone swimming yet. Back to school frenzy begins and he's happy that all the little dicks have to go back to something most of them hate because he had to work all summer and his job stinks nuts. Local media starts reporting on the upcoming festival and we start to hear about the films, and subsequent stars, that will appear and litter Yorkville with million dollar haircuts, complicated coats and that rare.... fruit....that they always eat. You know? Like, small bananas. He may take a few minutes to check if there's any films he might want to see and may make a small list, because a regular man likes movies and must admit that the festival is kind of exciting. Tickets go on sale and a regular man tries to get them on the Internet. The website is too busy and he doesn't get tickets. He gets mad and says to himself, "fuck this. I'm not going". Then someone says, "just go to the box office." Then he says back, "fuck you. Whatever." Then he goes to see the same movies in the theatre a few months later for half the price.
TIFF '08 - The parties
A regular man notices that when the festival is on, the streets are busy with girls wearing dresses that wouldn't fit a hobbit and dudes that look so stupid that if they got mad at you and wanted to fight you, you know you could outsmart them and make them buy you Burger King somehow. The parties have begun to eclipse the films themselves, with local media and local clubs acting like a dweeb in high school who's parents are going away. This is his time to be cool and invites the most popular people in school who don't give a shit about the dweeb, because all they want to do is party and wreck things and are happy they have a place to do it. A regular man isn't invited to any of these parties and wouldn't dare try getting into one for fear of rejection and standing outside for two hours, when he could be at home baking or putting together cool models of boats or planes. He instead walks the streets en route to his friend's house where they'll play video games and when he gets there he goes on a rant about the morons he saw, like that girl that couldn't walk in her shoes and who's dress almost exposed her bare butt.
TIFF '08 - Conclusion
A regular man doesn't go to any films or any parties and gets mad because he realizes how silly it all is because all these rich people just hang out together and party for free, while journalists and bloggers try to get in and brag to each other and the general public as to how much fun they're having and how many free drinks they've been getting. All the while teachers start work and make barely anything in comparison and the police have to stop solving crimes and instead make sure normal people don't get anywhere near the rich people, while also getting paid a fraction of what the stars, publicists, producers, club owner's etc. get for doing the stupidest stuff.
That got heavy at the end huh? And guess what? The "regular man" is me! I'm regular! I have an idea for a new product called "The Beach Pillow" and if I ever sell it and make a million dollars, and if I get invited to fancy parties, I'll try to stay regular although I'll probably be draped in gold and women wearing snakeskin thingies. I went to a Just for Laughs party once that was fancy and I spent the whole time giggling and trying to find more free mini burgers. I will never change you guys. NEVER. NEVER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHWHOAHAHAHAFRIESHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHASPIDERMANHAHAHAHOH YWEAH
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