HAVE A NICE TIME AT THE SANDING

Baywatch could've/should've been called Broad Daylight for its sunny depiction of broads. I don't normally call women broads unless I'm in the presence of construction workers or writing a post on Baywatch. I don't normally hang out with construction workers unless I'm in a crowded food court and I go to food courts every time I go to the mall.

"My beach-side bathing suit biz continued to thrive even after my model Mary died."

Food courts are some of the best places in the world because they're like little towns where fries are found on every corner. No matter how bad your mall is, its food court usually can't lose. If it doesn't have the major players it usually has some form of popular mall cuisine, like if you can't find a Manchu Wok, you'll probably be able to find a Tiki Ming etc., or if you can't find an Edo Japan you'll be able to find Lou's Teriyak etc.

The best food court was Sherway Gardens'. I haven't been there since I mistakenly bought bras for every broad on my Christmas list in '06, but I'll assume that its still filled with all-stars. It used to have Taco Bell, New York Fries, KFC, some Creole place, Arby's, Subway and many more. A lot of these places didn't exist in Mississauga when I was boy because Mississauga's meat standards were greater than the surrounding area according to school-yard lore, so going to a place just outside our borders where you could get everything was truly fantastic. Also nestled within this food court was a Grade A movie store and an arcade complete with a virtual reality machine. Best place in the world? It needed a water slide.

I was so damn busy this past weekend that I barely had enough time to check out my nose in the mirror. I finally got some time Sunday night and everything is okay, including my award-winning nostrils, that were the basis for Benjamin Button's age 56 prosthesis from last year's hit film. First up was a surprise curling birthday party. Here's me and my team:

We all did surprisingly well considering curling is a sport that only Scottish grandmas excel out. Just kidding, I'm not ignorant, just silly and there IS a difference despite what Robin Williams says or does. We all decided that we're going to curl again, even though we run the risk of being labeled either "dweeboids" by the hipsters or "hipsters" be the dweeboids. Now I know how singer/actress Jennifer Lopez feels. Two celeb references in one paragraph, geez, who am I, Joel McHale? THREE.

On Sunday we got up early for our annual outing to Buffalo (who's new motto per my friend Scott is "Grey Skies, Wet Ground") for a Buffalo Bills game. The weather couldn't have been any shittier. It rained the whole time, and even though I wore three layers I was still very damp by the time we headed home, allowing border guards to detain me, just in case the dampness was smuggled American simple syrup. It was also cold, but not quite cold enough that the rain turned into beautiful Buffasnow. Despite all this, I think we all had a good time because we're not babies and normally if you have beer and sausages a day is good by default.

SERIOUSLY TERRIBLE

Hey hound dogs, Big Hunk here coming at you live from my parent's house. Why am I here and how do I feel? Our journey begins at 5:00am, Sunday November 29.

As some of you sleuths know, I was to attend a footballs game in Buffalo and the forecast was sports action and fun with friends. Everything went just perfectly, with a great pre-game tailgate, lovely weather and a semi-exciting match between the Bills and the Dolphins. I drank a bunch of beers, ate a bunch of objects, smoked a cigar and generally had a fantastic time.

We left the stadium around 4:30 and kind of got lost until a man in a white van said we could follow him to the Peace Bridge where we were to retreat to our home country of Ontario. I was pretty much asleep in the car at this point, but apparently the Peace Bridge was closed so everyone proceeded to the Lewiston Bridge, and when I say everyone I mean a million cars because I swear to you friend, we were at the border for seven hours.


People were getting out of their cars and peeing all over, and walking up the road to see if they were getting any closer, but it was all futile. The four of us in the car each went crazy a few times and most of us felt like barfing at least once, but we finally made it back to Mississauga at 1:15 am, almost 10 hours after we left and when I got naked to get into my old bed, my clothes smelled like the air freshener from the car.

Photo courtesy of Post Cereals.

So whenever I think back to going to see the Bills in '09, I'll always think of sitting in a car barely moving instead of all the good stuff that happened, and I'll probably laugh. But not yet. I still feel like utter garbojosa so I'm not going to work and instead will fill my body with much needed vitamins, minerals and chocolate milk. Whenever something like this happens to me that's shitty but not really that bad, I think about people in Botswana who eat mud all day to remind myself that things could be worse. But I still whine because I was raised a middle class North American. Until my next non-tragic but still frustrating tale, I've been a guy.