TRUCK WITH SLINKY SHOCK ABSORBERS, FUNNEST TRUCK, MOST DANGEROUS TRUCK

I used to do this fun feature called "This Day in LiveJournal History" where I'd post a LiveJournal entry from my younger days then either scrutinize my former self or look back fondly on my naivete. Now that this 'journal' has entered its 4th year or so, I can start doing the same thing only with these posts, get it? This will also give new readers the opportunity to experience some classic articles without wasting their recess scrolling through everything, while imdb.com is waiting, just bursting at the seams with all things big and small screen. So, gather your belongings, go find your friend who has the best and crispest computer, bring along so Nibs to chew, and load up this brand new feature called...

"This Day in WIDAHIA History"

From June 28th, 2010, I gave readers an eyewitness account of the G20 riots here in Toronto.That was when world leaders from 20 raDiCal countries gathered in Southern Ontario to talk about money and whether or not seagulls could be turned into an affordable, nutritious jerky. Some citizens of Toronto took this as an opportunity to politely walk the streets with signs talking about how poor everyone is, while others took it as an opportunity to dress like Raiders fans, light cars on fire and smash the windows of banks and successful retail chains. The police couldn't handle it so they started arresting anyone with a backpack and a fondness for quinoa, and locking them up in an old movie studio that served plain cheese sandwiches and from what I hear, some pretty decent, yet scarce water.

Hindsight is 20. 20!


Looking back on that weekend I don't feel any different about what went down because I had nothing to do with any of it. In fact, I remember frequently switching my support between the police and the protestors probably because my old man is Head of Bushes at Greenpeace, while my mom is a Jedi. Just joking, I'm just neutral all the time because if you support something too much it probably means there's a bunch of people on the other side who hate you and don't invite you to their banquets.

The other day I saw this bike riding guy wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that said "Fuck Cars" on the front and on the back there were McDonald's logos but instead of McDonald's it said "McDollars". I don't want to stereotype this human statement but I'd imagine he was ass-deep in G20.  I got thinking that even had the police not turned into a bunch of 'pre-vacation Buzz from Home Alones', the protest wouldn't have done anything to change that guy's shirt. Because I feel I'm getting too political it's time for the THURSDAY THICKET.

In the the thicket today I found:

An old soother attached to a chain that was wrapped around a tree that had had an arrow pointing up carved into its trunk that pointed to a large bird's nest that contained a bunch of fresh chicks. I guess this is the beginning of hunting season.

YOUR WORD VERSUS THE WORLD

Get a roof!

If last weekend in Toronto was a second rate AC/DC song, it'd be "All Screwed Up":

Take you out to kick some butt
Work you over screw you nuts
And when you can't take no more
Then she push you out that door
And things go hard
Like a dog gone mad
She can pack some punch
Then you're out to lunch, back at one

It's all screwed up
All screwed up
It's all screwed up
All screwed up

I think that pretty much says it all.

I make my home at Queen and McCaul, so a lot of the action that happened when "the yogurt went sour" was right in front of my very windows. Incredibly, I managed to be absent for most of the heavy duty rock n roll because I can't sit still. Here's my time line:

Saturday - I was at home when the peaceful protest made its way across Queen St. I made a few Twitter jokes and then got bored because it was like watching the Pride Parade without topless lesbians. I then decided to go to a friend's house and eat popsicles while the USA Yankee Steaks played the Ghana Talking Parrots in soccer. Here's a good joke based on the famous "ketchup and liquor" joke of schoolyard lore:

Answer every question with "soccer"

What's your favourite sport? Soccer
What's your favourite ball? Soccer
Which celebrity is your favourite? Soccer
What do you do to your baby girl when her feet be cold? Soccer, but like "Sock Her", you know?

These two spray painted "Fuck Lunch" on a Harvey's

Anyway, as soon as I arrived at friend's house a mere 20 minutes later, we turned on the news and saw that major businesses in my area were being disrespected by a group called "The Black Diamonds", whose eXistenZ is based on a very good KISS song:

Darkness will fall on the city
It seems to follow you too
And though you don't ask for pity
There's nothin' that you can do, no, no

Whoo, black diamond
Whoo, black diamond

I eventually decided to ride my bike into the beehive, but I didn't see anything that would be described as "worth describing", so I went home, picked up some extra socks and went to my softball game where a dog got on the field!

By the time I got to the bar for post game beers and analysis where we talk about how bullshit the other team was, I found out from Liv back at home base that there was a kop kar on fire down the street from us. Another near miss.

On Sunday all was quiet during the day when we cleaned our whole house, even the toilet. At around 5:20pm I walked over to my siblings' house, passing by Queen & Spadina, which, minutes after my passing, apparently turned into a historical event where passerbys were wrangled like grade nines in the hydro fields on the first day of school. Instead of getting egged and paddled they got wet and upset.

When I came back home around 8:30pm I couldn't get through the intersection, but had no problem going across Adelaide where I passed by hundreds of police who apparently didn't find my baby blue shirt, bird legs and jungle umbrella very threatening.

I can't wait for Christmas this year!

I HATE CAKE BUT I LOVE HOT SUGAR

Dear Current Events,

I'm not that interested in you right now. Your World Cup of sports doesn't feature my favourite countries (Canada and Toronto) and I generally prefer those sports whose participants don't look like the line outside ___________ Nightclub/Supper Club/Hair Club/North Mississauga Catholic High School.

Your G20 summit is the lava to our summertime fun's small mountainside village, even though I'm lucky enough to have escaped the hot mud, coming at you live from Montreal thanks to my work who thought it important to protect its most valuable asset. Don't worry though mom, I'll be back on Friday just as Greenpeace is chopping down the CN Tower to protest outdoor pissings, and right before Mothers Against Drunk Driving explode the Eaton Centre using only the tastiest cocktails to literally show how alcohol can destroy the teen dream.

I'm just paranoid though. All this is coming from the guy who doesn't trust babes and strippers because he feels they're only out to trick you. Best thing about Montreal so far? Good bananas. Me and my friends once put on a play here and for three weeks 9 of us slept in a 2 bedroom apartment and ate a lot of beans and bread. Trivia question - name the baseball team that used to play here...

Answer - The Montreal Detectives

They were led by the great pitcher Reek Priest (#6), who once pitched an entire game with half a beard.

Do you guys have that thing where whenever you think of Right Said Fred you picture Drop Dead Fred? And it's SO FUNNY because Right Said Fred were known for being baldos while Drop Dead Fred was known for a truly outrageous mop! What a crazy world it is that we vacation in.